9
out of
10
people found the following review helpful:
Characters so unmotivated and plot so contrived that it feels like one long SNL skit
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Shakespeared in the Heart -- And in the Funny Bone!
You have created something wonderfully inventive, enchanting and funny. Thank you for both writing it and allowing me to read it.
You have a problem with page 83 of the PDF, most of the page is missing.
There is so much right about this “Knight’s Tale” meets “Shakespeare In Love” explosion. You’ve done 95 percent of the work but I have a few “clean up” suggestions, as well as a new title idea.
My SUGGESTIONS below are preceded by “++“ to set them off from your writing.
Page 5:
Two households, both alike in
dignity, In fair Verona, where we
lay our scene, From ancient grudge
break to new mutiny, Where civil
blood makes civil hands unclean.
NEED PERIODS…
++ Two households, both alike in
++ dignity. In fair Verona, where we
++ lay our scene. From ancient grudge
++ break to new mutiny. Where civil
++ blood makes civil hands unclean.
Page 33:
Romeo is hanging out under a grove of sycamore trees. Tears
drip onto the page as he writes sad poetry in his journal.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo sits in the shade from the trees. Tears drip onto the page as he writes.
PAGE 34:
is lighting candles by the altar.
SUGGEST…
++ lights candles by the altar.
PAGE 36:
Tybalt is standing outside the Capulet Manor smoking, his
hand shaking.
SUGGEST…
++ Tybalt stands outside the Capulet Manor smoking, his
hand shaking.
PAGE 41:
Mercutio is speaking to Paris’ distinguished looking PAGE.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio speaks with Paris’ distinguished looking PAGE.
PAGE 43:
++ GREAT ++ SINGER sounds like Marvin Gaye.
PAGE 44:
Lord Montague is lecturing his son.
SUGGEST ACTION…
++ Lord Montague marches in place, gesticulating.
He runs out of the room.
SUGGEST…
++ He runs from the room.
Tybalt enters to check in on her. One look at Rosaline is
enough to make him leave in a huff.
SUGGEST…
++ Tybalt enters. One look at Rosaline. Leaves in a huff.
PAGE 45:
A beat later, Lord and Lady Montague arrive as well.
SUGGEST A SEPARATE ACTION LINE…
++ Lord and Lady Montague arrive.
(talking to both Lord
Capulet and Lord
Montague)
Three brawls in two days, started
by a meaningless comment, By you,
old Capulet, and you, Montague,
Have three times disturbed the
quiet of our streets, If ever you
disturb our streets again, You will
suffer the death penalty for
breaking the peace. Now, - everyone
leave this place.
When he is done, Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet leave with
Prince Escalus and everyone else disperses.
Lord and Lady Montague and Benvolio remain behind to talk.
SUGGEST…
++ (to both Lords)
++Three brawls in two days, started
++by a meaningless comment.
++Old Capulet, and you, Montague,
++three times have you disturbed the
++quiet of our streets. You will
++suffer the direst penalty if ever you
++defile this fair city again. Everyone --
++leave this place.
++ Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet leave with Prince Escalus.
++ Lord and Lady Montague with Benvolio remain behind to talk. ++ All others disperse.
PAGE 47:
(motioning toward where
Lady Capulet was
standing)
SUGGEST…
++ (off departing Lady)
PAGE 48:
++ TYPO ++ I have plan. And I need your help.
It occurs to Mercutio that Rosaline IS the kind of person who
would follow through with such a threat.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio expression melts as he digests the threat.
PAGE 49:
Mercutio doesn’t believe her.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio can’t keep from rolling his eyes.
PAGE 50:
Rosaline is in a confessional booth with Friar Lawrence on
the other side.
SUGGEST…
++ Friar Lawrence sits in the booth waiting for Rosaline to give her confession.
PAGE 52:
Rosaline is in her room when she hears a KNOCK on her balcony
door. She looks up and sees Mercutio, looking more like his
old self.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline hears a KNOCK on her balcony door. Looks up and sees Mercutio, looking ++ more like his old self.
PAGES 53 & 54:
ROSALINE
(ignores him)
I plan to put it in Romeo and in my
cousin Juliet’s drinks tonight at
the masquerade party.
And the first people they see, they
will fall madly in love.
(beat)
We will make sure they see each
other first.
SUGGEST...
++ ROSALINE
++Romeo and my cousin Juliet’s
++drinks will be topped off tonight
++at the masquerade party.
++They will fall madly in love,
++with the first person each sees.
++(fluttering eyes)
++We will make sure they...
++connect.
PAGE 55:
Rosaline is touched by Mercutio’s words.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline’s eyes widen. A sincere smile.
Romeo, Benvolio, and Mercutio (all in costumes) are on their
way to the Capulet masquerade party.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo, Benvolio, and Mercutio march in costume to the Capulet masquerade party.
Rosaline puts her make up on in front of her mirror by
herself. When she finishes, she takes off her robe.
She is wearing a very revealing harlot costume that shows off
her body.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline sits alone applying make-up, finishes with an appraising glance. Stands, drops ++ her robe, reveals a tasty harlot costume. It really shows off her body.
The Nurse puts the finishing touches on Juliet’s make up and
costume. Juliet is wearing an angel outfit.
SUGGEST…
++ Nurse puts the finishing touches on Juliet’s make up and
++ winged costume. Juliet’s radiant like the angel she portrays.
PAGE 56:
It is noisy even outside -- people are TALKING and there is
loud MUSIC coming from inside the house.
SUGGEST…
++ Noisy even outside -- People TALKING -- Loud MUSIC comes from inside the house.
PAGE 58:
Lord Capulet stops him from confronting the Montague and they
argue for a couple of beats before Tybalt storms off.
SUGGEST…
++ Lord Capulet stops him. They exchange unheard but brusque remarks. Tybalt storms off.
PAGES 59&60:
Paris doesn’t answer.
ROSALINE
(pointing across the room
at Romeo and Juliet
kissing)
There’s your precious Juliet.
SUGGEST…
++ Paris doesn’t answer. Rosaline points across the room
++ at Romeo and Juliet kissing.
++ ROSALINE
++ There’s your precious Juliet.
Benvolio (pulling Romeo behind him) finds Mercutio still
talking to Julius. He pulls him away and they quickly leave
the party.
SUGGEST…
++ Benvolio pulls Romeo behind him. They find Mercutio and Julius transfixed on one ++ another. Romeo grabs Mercutio and they quickly leave the party.
Rosaline walks around the garden tearing flowers off their
stems.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline walks the garden ripping each peddle from a flower.
PAGE 61:
Juliet is standing on her balcony, staring at the stars.
Romeo peers around and watches her.
SUGGEST…
++ Juliet stands on her balcony, staring at the stars.
++ Romeo peers around, watches her, talking to himself…
Rosaline is still walking around the garden tearing flowers
off their stems.
SUGGEST…
++ GARDEN
++ Rosaline continues her systematic deflowering.
PAGE 62:
(shaking her fist at the
sky)
SUGGEST…
++ (fist shaken on high)
She continues on her walk when she sees Romeo talking to
himself and listens.
SUGGEST…
++ She stumbles onto Romeo talking to himself...
Rosaline follows his gaze and sees Juliet on her balcony. She
looks at Romeo with surprise.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline follows his gaze, sees Juliet, looks at Romeo with surprise as he licks his lips.
It should have worn off by now.
SUGGEST…
++ Potion keeps a licken, ast well’as sticken…
PAGE 63:
Romeo gives Rosaline an “I don’t believe you” look.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo gives Rosaline a disbelieving look.
Oh me!
SUGGEST…
++ My heart…
(putting her finger to her
lips)
Shhhhh! I can’t believe she’s
actually talking.
SUGGEST…
++ (finger to lips)
++ Shh. Can’t believe she
++ actually speaks.
PAGE 64:
Rosaline shakes her head to indicate that he shouldn’t say
anything just yet. We can hear Juliet’s voice in the
background as Rosaline pulls Romeo close and whispers
something in his ear.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline shakes No. Pulls Romeo close and whispers something unheard into his ear.
Rosaline whispers in Romeo’s ear again. He looks as though he
doesn’t want to say what Rosaline wants him to say. But he
repeats her words anyway.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline whispers again. Romeo looks unconvinced but repeats her words...
PAGE 65:
Romeo jumps up on the balcony and speaks to Juliet. We hear
only snippets of their conversation.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo jumps up on the balcony. Only snippets of their conversation are heard.
Romeo raises his eyebrow asking permission if he can try to
get Juliet into bed. Rosaline shakes her head no and then
whispers to him.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo raises his eyebrow, sexual appetite rears its head. Rosaline shakes No. Her ++ whispers cannot be heard. Romeo reacts with a shocked look.
Romeo climbs back up the balcony and we hear him.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo climbs back up and tells Juliet...
PAGE 66:
On his way out, he passes Romeo who has just entered. They
exchange quick greetings. Mercutio points to Rosaline’s
table. Romeo makes his way over.
ROMEO
(holding out his hand)
Come with me.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio tries to exit, runs into Romeo entering. Exchange of ++ quick greetings. Mercutio points to Rosaline’s table. Romeo ++ makes his way over and hold out his hand.
++ ROMEO
++ Come with me.
PAGE 67:
Rosaline and Romeo enter the small villa. The Romeo Rejects
are there. When they see Romeo, they begin to HISS like cats.
ROMEO
I’ve come here to beg for all of
your forgiveness.
The room becomes SILENT -- not what they expected to hear.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline and Romeo enter to find the Romeo Rejects
++ are there -- they HISS like cats.
++ ROMEO
++ I’ve come here to beg all for
++ undeserved forgiveness.
++ Room becomes SILENT -- clearly this was unexpected.
PAGE 68:
Rosaline pulls him out of the way as a fruit comes flying at
his head.
More fruit is thrown as they make their escape. The Romeo
Rejects chase after them.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline pulls –- a plum just misses Romeo’s head. Fruit flies passed as they make ++ their escape. Romeo Rejects chase after them.
Rosaline and Romeo are at the grove of sycamore trees. Both
are out of breath.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline and Romeo come to a stop, out of breath.
PAGE 70:
INT. CAPULET MANOR (SITTING ROOM) – DAY
Rosaline sews with the other Capulet ladies when Tybalt (with
Gregory and Sampson behind him) enter.
TYBALT
(trying to contain his
anger)
Cousin, may I have a word with you?
SUGGEST…
++ INT. CAPULET MANOR SITTING ROOM – DAY
++ Rosaline sews with the other Capulet ladies. Tybalt,
++ Gregory and Sampson enter. Tybalt’s face is red with anger.
++ TYBALT
++ Cousin, may I have a word with you?
Friar Lawrence mixes different glowing liquids together. As
he does, he LAUGHS like a mad scientist.
Romeo enters.
SUGGEST…
++ Friar Lawrence mixes different glowing liquids together,
++ LAUGHING like a mad scientist as Romeo enters.
PAGE 76:
Romeo and Benvolio are chasing Tybalt and his men, who split
up.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo and Benvolio chase Tybalt and his men. Tybalt’s men split off and run.
PAGE 78:
++ TYPO ++ They argue about happened.
PAGE 79:
++ TYPO ++ They two men turn and see
PAGE 81:
They continue their conversation in private as Rosaline
closes her bedroom door to make sure no one overhears them.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline walks over and closes the bedroom door.
Rosaline is KNOCKING on Friar Lawrence's cell.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline KNOCKS on Friar Lawrence's half opened cell door.
PAGE 82:
Romeo sits and tells Rosaline what happened.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo sits, readies himself to tell Rosaline what happened.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – NIGHT
Rosaline tells Juliet everything Romeo had told her.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM – NIGHT
++ Rosaline tells the sad tale...
++ MOST OF PAGE 83 IS MISSING ++
PAGE 85:
The friar has no idea what she is talking about.
SUGGEST…
++ Friar stands in bewildered silence.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – NIGHT
Romeo and Juliet are in the middle of making love.
JULIET
You’re the best, baby! You’re the
best!
The artist (from the wedding) is painting them as they make
love.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM – SAME
++ Romeo and Juliet make mad, passionate, ludicrous love.
++ JULIET
++ Give me your all… LORD!
++ Un-Gild mine lily.
++ The ARTIST from the wedding flamboyantly swaths a canvas; creating a painting A-La ++ coitus.
PAGE 86:
I heard about a potion that will
make people look like their dead.
SUGGEST…
++ I heard about a potion that will
++ make people appear as if dead.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – DAY
A light KNOCK on the door.
ROSALINE (O.S.)
Your mother is coming.
Romeo and Juliet embrace one last time before Romeo escapes
out the balcony.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM – MORNING
++ Romeo and Juliet embrace in a lingering kiss.
++ HEAVY STEPS scale the stairs just outside the room.
++ JULIET
++ Mother.
++ Romeo escapes out the balcony.
INT. CAPULET MANOR – DAY
Later, Rosaline walks down the hallway. Outside of Juliet’s
room she hears Lady Capulet YELLING at her daughter, who is
sobbing.
As Rosaline is about to listen at the door, Lady Capulet
storms out past her -- slamming the door behind her.
Rosaline stands there with a bewildered look. Inside the room
we can hear Juliet and the Nurse ARGUING.
A beat later a frustrated Nurse leaves. And a moment after
that, Juliet exits.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. CAPULET MANOR – LATER
++ Rosaline walks down a hallway -- VOICE SCREECHES -- stops outside Juliet’s room. ++ SOBBING. Rosaline steps closer…
++ CRASH. Lady Capulet throws the door wide and hard, storms out. SLAMS the door ++ behind her.
++ Rosaline stands bewildered. ARGUING VOICES. Juliet’s frustrated Nurse escapes the ++ room in a huff. Juliet exits; tears flowing and in a stumble.
PAGES 86 & 87:
JULIET
(turning around)
What?
JULIET (cont'd)
(realizing it’s her
cousin)
Rosaline, I’m so sorry.
SUGGEST…
++ JULIET
++ What!
++ Juliet turns and sees Rosaline.
++ JULIET
++ Rosaline, I’m so sorry.
PAGE 87:
INT. FRIAR LAWRENCE’S CELL – DAY
Paris and the friar are talking when Juliet enters Friar
Lawrence's cell. Paris and Juliet speak before he kisses her
on the cheek and leaves.
The friar shuts the door behind him. A little while later,
Juliet exits carrying the skull and bones potion.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE FRIAR’S CELL – DAY
++ Juliet walks through Friar’s open cell door and interrupts Paris and the Friar. Paris ++ stops short, looks a question to ++ the good Friar, kisses Juliet on the cheek and ++ leaves.
++ Friar shuts the door cutting off the view. MOMENTS PASS, nothing to look at but the ++ closed door, till Juliet exits carrying the skull and bones potion.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (ROSALINE’S ROOM) – NIGHT
Rosaline is getting ready for bed when there is a quiet
KNOCK. Juliet enters.
ROSALINE
Is everything okay? Did you get the
potion?
Juliet pats her pocket; the top of the potion the friar had
given her is sticking out.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. ROSALINE’S ROOM – NIGHT
++ Rosaline undresses for bed. A quiet KNOCK. Juliet enters.
++ ROSALINE
++ Is everything set? Did you get the
++ potion?
++ The Friar’s potion sticks out from Juliet’s pocket. She gently pats it with a look of ++ concern and thanks.
PAGE 88:
INT. CAPULET MANOR (ROSALINE’S ROOM) – DAY
Rosaline just finishes packing her things when she hears
SCREAMING and a bustle of commotion coming from Juliet’s
room.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – DAY
The Nurse and Lady Capulet are weeping over Juliet in her bed
where she lies deathly still.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. ROSALINE’S ROOM – DAY
++ Rosaline packs her things. SCREAMING and a BUSTLE of commotion comes from down ++ the hall.
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM - SAME
++ Lady Capulet and Juliet’s Nurse weep over Juliet laying deathly still in her bed.
PAGE 88:
EXT. MANTUA – DAY
Romeo is hanging out in the desolate Mantua (tumbleweeds and
spaghetti western music), bored out of his mind when
Balthazar and Rosaline find him.
SUGGEST…
++ EXT. MANTUA – DAY
++ Romeo walks the desolate streets of Mantua -- tumbleweeds and
++ SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC -- bored out of his mind.
++ Balthazar and Rosaline turn a corner and run into Romeo.
EXT. CHURCHYARD – NIGHT
Paris and his page (the same one from his manor) are outside
the Capulet’s vault, carrying flowers.
PARIS
Go over to the trees and whistle if
anyone comes.
The page hands his master the flowers and does as he is told.
Right as Paris is about to enter the tomb, the page WHISTLES.
A moment later, Rosaline arrives.
Rosaline and Paris are surprised to see each other. Neither
seems to like the other very much.
SUGGEST…
++ EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT
++ Paris and his Page, holding flowers, stand just outside the ++ Capulet crypt.
++ PARIS
++ Go over to the trees and whistle if
++ anyone comes.
++ Paris snatches the flowers and pushes his Page away. Turns to enter the crypt. ++ WHISTLE. Paris turns back with surprise to find Rosaline approaches.
PAGE 89:
The page, thinking his master is in trouble, runs away to
tell the authorities.
Rosaline waves someone over. It is Friar Lawrence (carrying a
crowbar) and Romeo.
SUGGEST…
++ Paris’ Page runs off with an urgentcy.
++ Rosaline waves. Romeo and Friar Lawrence, carrying a crowbar, come into view.
INT. CHURCHYARD (CAPULET’S TOMB) – CONTINUOUS
Romeo, Rosaline, and Friar Lawrence enter the tomb together.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. CAPULET CRYPT – CONTINUOUS
++ Romeo, Rosaline, and Friar Lawrence stare at Juliet.
PAGE 90:
There are loud VOICES coming from outside the tomb.
SUGGEST…
++ LOUD VOICES come from outside the tomb.
A beat later, Prince Escalus and his constables arrive. They
find the friar crying over Juliet and Romeo’s still bodies.
SUGGEST…
++ Prince Escalus and his CONSTABLES arrive to find Friar crying over Juliet and Romeo’s ++ still bodies.
PAGE 91:
The constables exit with the bodies and put them in a
carriage.
Friar Lawrence is speaking to Prince Escalus, Lord and Lady
Capulet, and Lord and Lady Montague.
SUGGEST…
++ Constables set the lifeless Romeo and Juliet in a carriage.
++ Prince Escalus, Lord and Lady Capulet, and Lord and Lady Montague face Friar ++ Lawrence.
PAGE 91:
Rosaline has a huge grin on her face.
ROSALINE
(looks at the sky)
Thank you, Jesus.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline’s face melts into a huge grin, looks up to the sky.
++ ROSALINE
++ Thank you, Jesus.
++ Very nice ending but I suggest one addition. I feel no one should die in an anachronism and came up with a new title…
++ The FOLLOWING IS MY SUGGESTED NEW PAGE 92 ++
ROSALINE
I can get used to this.
CREDITS ROLL OVER SCENE.
INSERT TITLE: “SWEET SORROW – A Romantic Anachronism”
A dinghy hits the sand rowed by Friar Lawrence.
Friar leads a shirtless, unidentifiable man with his torso wrapped in bandages from of the dinghy. They see Romeo, Juliet, Mercutio and Julius smile and lustfully embrace.
Tybalt, bandages oozing a bit, shows his lost, despondent reaction –- YES HE LIVES! Turns to a strange site in the surf…
Bright reflected light obscures -- surf scene in “From Here To Eternity” or a lout netted and struggling in the sea weed.
TYBALT
What light on yonder
weirdo breaks?
Tybalt nearly hurls in disgust as he recognizes…
Rosaline and TWO HUNKY NATIVES roll passionately in the waves.
FADE OUT.
++ This additional scene gives you one more reveal and strong laugh, I think it helps complete the story. ++
I hope these notes help you make this film a great one. CONGRATULATIONS! Great Script!
Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com
(SORRY FOR THE "++" ALIGNMENT -- COULDN'T FIX IT)
You have a problem with page 83 of the PDF, most of the page is missing.
There is so much right about this “Knight’s Tale” meets “Shakespeare In Love” explosion. You’ve done 95 percent of the work but I have a few “clean up” suggestions, as well as a new title idea.
My SUGGESTIONS below are preceded by “++“ to set them off from your writing.
Page 5:
Two households, both alike in
dignity, In fair Verona, where we
lay our scene, From ancient grudge
break to new mutiny, Where civil
blood makes civil hands unclean.
NEED PERIODS…
++ Two households, both alike in
++ dignity. In fair Verona, where we
++ lay our scene. From ancient grudge
++ break to new mutiny. Where civil
++ blood makes civil hands unclean.
Page 33:
Romeo is hanging out under a grove of sycamore trees. Tears
drip onto the page as he writes sad poetry in his journal.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo sits in the shade from the trees. Tears drip onto the page as he writes.
PAGE 34:
is lighting candles by the altar.
SUGGEST…
++ lights candles by the altar.
PAGE 36:
Tybalt is standing outside the Capulet Manor smoking, his
hand shaking.
SUGGEST…
++ Tybalt stands outside the Capulet Manor smoking, his
hand shaking.
PAGE 41:
Mercutio is speaking to Paris’ distinguished looking PAGE.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio speaks with Paris’ distinguished looking PAGE.
PAGE 43:
++ GREAT ++ SINGER sounds like Marvin Gaye.
PAGE 44:
Lord Montague is lecturing his son.
SUGGEST ACTION…
++ Lord Montague marches in place, gesticulating.
He runs out of the room.
SUGGEST…
++ He runs from the room.
Tybalt enters to check in on her. One look at Rosaline is
enough to make him leave in a huff.
SUGGEST…
++ Tybalt enters. One look at Rosaline. Leaves in a huff.
PAGE 45:
A beat later, Lord and Lady Montague arrive as well.
SUGGEST A SEPARATE ACTION LINE…
++ Lord and Lady Montague arrive.
(talking to both Lord
Capulet and Lord
Montague)
Three brawls in two days, started
by a meaningless comment, By you,
old Capulet, and you, Montague,
Have three times disturbed the
quiet of our streets, If ever you
disturb our streets again, You will
suffer the death penalty for
breaking the peace. Now, - everyone
leave this place.
When he is done, Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet leave with
Prince Escalus and everyone else disperses.
Lord and Lady Montague and Benvolio remain behind to talk.
SUGGEST…
++ (to both Lords)
++Three brawls in two days, started
++by a meaningless comment.
++Old Capulet, and you, Montague,
++three times have you disturbed the
++quiet of our streets. You will
++suffer the direst penalty if ever you
++defile this fair city again. Everyone --
++leave this place.
++ Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet leave with Prince Escalus.
++ Lord and Lady Montague with Benvolio remain behind to talk. ++ All others disperse.
PAGE 47:
(motioning toward where
Lady Capulet was
standing)
SUGGEST…
++ (off departing Lady)
PAGE 48:
++ TYPO ++ I have plan. And I need your help.
It occurs to Mercutio that Rosaline IS the kind of person who
would follow through with such a threat.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio expression melts as he digests the threat.
PAGE 49:
Mercutio doesn’t believe her.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio can’t keep from rolling his eyes.
PAGE 50:
Rosaline is in a confessional booth with Friar Lawrence on
the other side.
SUGGEST…
++ Friar Lawrence sits in the booth waiting for Rosaline to give her confession.
PAGE 52:
Rosaline is in her room when she hears a KNOCK on her balcony
door. She looks up and sees Mercutio, looking more like his
old self.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline hears a KNOCK on her balcony door. Looks up and sees Mercutio, looking ++ more like his old self.
PAGES 53 & 54:
ROSALINE
(ignores him)
I plan to put it in Romeo and in my
cousin Juliet’s drinks tonight at
the masquerade party.
And the first people they see, they
will fall madly in love.
(beat)
We will make sure they see each
other first.
SUGGEST...
++ ROSALINE
++Romeo and my cousin Juliet’s
++drinks will be topped off tonight
++at the masquerade party.
++They will fall madly in love,
++with the first person each sees.
++(fluttering eyes)
++We will make sure they...
++connect.
PAGE 55:
Rosaline is touched by Mercutio’s words.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline’s eyes widen. A sincere smile.
Romeo, Benvolio, and Mercutio (all in costumes) are on their
way to the Capulet masquerade party.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo, Benvolio, and Mercutio march in costume to the Capulet masquerade party.
Rosaline puts her make up on in front of her mirror by
herself. When she finishes, she takes off her robe.
She is wearing a very revealing harlot costume that shows off
her body.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline sits alone applying make-up, finishes with an appraising glance. Stands, drops ++ her robe, reveals a tasty harlot costume. It really shows off her body.
The Nurse puts the finishing touches on Juliet’s make up and
costume. Juliet is wearing an angel outfit.
SUGGEST…
++ Nurse puts the finishing touches on Juliet’s make up and
++ winged costume. Juliet’s radiant like the angel she portrays.
PAGE 56:
It is noisy even outside -- people are TALKING and there is
loud MUSIC coming from inside the house.
SUGGEST…
++ Noisy even outside -- People TALKING -- Loud MUSIC comes from inside the house.
PAGE 58:
Lord Capulet stops him from confronting the Montague and they
argue for a couple of beats before Tybalt storms off.
SUGGEST…
++ Lord Capulet stops him. They exchange unheard but brusque remarks. Tybalt storms off.
PAGES 59&60:
Paris doesn’t answer.
ROSALINE
(pointing across the room
at Romeo and Juliet
kissing)
There’s your precious Juliet.
SUGGEST…
++ Paris doesn’t answer. Rosaline points across the room
++ at Romeo and Juliet kissing.
++ ROSALINE
++ There’s your precious Juliet.
Benvolio (pulling Romeo behind him) finds Mercutio still
talking to Julius. He pulls him away and they quickly leave
the party.
SUGGEST…
++ Benvolio pulls Romeo behind him. They find Mercutio and Julius transfixed on one ++ another. Romeo grabs Mercutio and they quickly leave the party.
Rosaline walks around the garden tearing flowers off their
stems.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline walks the garden ripping each peddle from a flower.
PAGE 61:
Juliet is standing on her balcony, staring at the stars.
Romeo peers around and watches her.
SUGGEST…
++ Juliet stands on her balcony, staring at the stars.
++ Romeo peers around, watches her, talking to himself…
Rosaline is still walking around the garden tearing flowers
off their stems.
SUGGEST…
++ GARDEN
++ Rosaline continues her systematic deflowering.
PAGE 62:
(shaking her fist at the
sky)
SUGGEST…
++ (fist shaken on high)
She continues on her walk when she sees Romeo talking to
himself and listens.
SUGGEST…
++ She stumbles onto Romeo talking to himself...
Rosaline follows his gaze and sees Juliet on her balcony. She
looks at Romeo with surprise.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline follows his gaze, sees Juliet, looks at Romeo with surprise as he licks his lips.
It should have worn off by now.
SUGGEST…
++ Potion keeps a licken, ast well’as sticken…
PAGE 63:
Romeo gives Rosaline an “I don’t believe you” look.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo gives Rosaline a disbelieving look.
Oh me!
SUGGEST…
++ My heart…
(putting her finger to her
lips)
Shhhhh! I can’t believe she’s
actually talking.
SUGGEST…
++ (finger to lips)
++ Shh. Can’t believe she
++ actually speaks.
PAGE 64:
Rosaline shakes her head to indicate that he shouldn’t say
anything just yet. We can hear Juliet’s voice in the
background as Rosaline pulls Romeo close and whispers
something in his ear.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline shakes No. Pulls Romeo close and whispers something unheard into his ear.
Rosaline whispers in Romeo’s ear again. He looks as though he
doesn’t want to say what Rosaline wants him to say. But he
repeats her words anyway.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline whispers again. Romeo looks unconvinced but repeats her words...
PAGE 65:
Romeo jumps up on the balcony and speaks to Juliet. We hear
only snippets of their conversation.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo jumps up on the balcony. Only snippets of their conversation are heard.
Romeo raises his eyebrow asking permission if he can try to
get Juliet into bed. Rosaline shakes her head no and then
whispers to him.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo raises his eyebrow, sexual appetite rears its head. Rosaline shakes No. Her ++ whispers cannot be heard. Romeo reacts with a shocked look.
Romeo climbs back up the balcony and we hear him.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo climbs back up and tells Juliet...
PAGE 66:
On his way out, he passes Romeo who has just entered. They
exchange quick greetings. Mercutio points to Rosaline’s
table. Romeo makes his way over.
ROMEO
(holding out his hand)
Come with me.
SUGGEST…
++ Mercutio tries to exit, runs into Romeo entering. Exchange of ++ quick greetings. Mercutio points to Rosaline’s table. Romeo ++ makes his way over and hold out his hand.
++ ROMEO
++ Come with me.
PAGE 67:
Rosaline and Romeo enter the small villa. The Romeo Rejects
are there. When they see Romeo, they begin to HISS like cats.
ROMEO
I’ve come here to beg for all of
your forgiveness.
The room becomes SILENT -- not what they expected to hear.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline and Romeo enter to find the Romeo Rejects
++ are there -- they HISS like cats.
++ ROMEO
++ I’ve come here to beg all for
++ undeserved forgiveness.
++ Room becomes SILENT -- clearly this was unexpected.
PAGE 68:
Rosaline pulls him out of the way as a fruit comes flying at
his head.
More fruit is thrown as they make their escape. The Romeo
Rejects chase after them.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline pulls –- a plum just misses Romeo’s head. Fruit flies passed as they make ++ their escape. Romeo Rejects chase after them.
Rosaline and Romeo are at the grove of sycamore trees. Both
are out of breath.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline and Romeo come to a stop, out of breath.
PAGE 70:
INT. CAPULET MANOR (SITTING ROOM) – DAY
Rosaline sews with the other Capulet ladies when Tybalt (with
Gregory and Sampson behind him) enter.
TYBALT
(trying to contain his
anger)
Cousin, may I have a word with you?
SUGGEST…
++ INT. CAPULET MANOR SITTING ROOM – DAY
++ Rosaline sews with the other Capulet ladies. Tybalt,
++ Gregory and Sampson enter. Tybalt’s face is red with anger.
++ TYBALT
++ Cousin, may I have a word with you?
Friar Lawrence mixes different glowing liquids together. As
he does, he LAUGHS like a mad scientist.
Romeo enters.
SUGGEST…
++ Friar Lawrence mixes different glowing liquids together,
++ LAUGHING like a mad scientist as Romeo enters.
PAGE 76:
Romeo and Benvolio are chasing Tybalt and his men, who split
up.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo and Benvolio chase Tybalt and his men. Tybalt’s men split off and run.
PAGE 78:
++ TYPO ++ They argue about happened.
PAGE 79:
++ TYPO ++ They two men turn and see
PAGE 81:
They continue their conversation in private as Rosaline
closes her bedroom door to make sure no one overhears them.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline walks over and closes the bedroom door.
Rosaline is KNOCKING on Friar Lawrence's cell.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline KNOCKS on Friar Lawrence's half opened cell door.
PAGE 82:
Romeo sits and tells Rosaline what happened.
SUGGEST…
++ Romeo sits, readies himself to tell Rosaline what happened.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – NIGHT
Rosaline tells Juliet everything Romeo had told her.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM – NIGHT
++ Rosaline tells the sad tale...
++ MOST OF PAGE 83 IS MISSING ++
PAGE 85:
The friar has no idea what she is talking about.
SUGGEST…
++ Friar stands in bewildered silence.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – NIGHT
Romeo and Juliet are in the middle of making love.
JULIET
You’re the best, baby! You’re the
best!
The artist (from the wedding) is painting them as they make
love.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM – SAME
++ Romeo and Juliet make mad, passionate, ludicrous love.
++ JULIET
++ Give me your all… LORD!
++ Un-Gild mine lily.
++ The ARTIST from the wedding flamboyantly swaths a canvas; creating a painting A-La ++ coitus.
PAGE 86:
I heard about a potion that will
make people look like their dead.
SUGGEST…
++ I heard about a potion that will
++ make people appear as if dead.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – DAY
A light KNOCK on the door.
ROSALINE (O.S.)
Your mother is coming.
Romeo and Juliet embrace one last time before Romeo escapes
out the balcony.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM – MORNING
++ Romeo and Juliet embrace in a lingering kiss.
++ HEAVY STEPS scale the stairs just outside the room.
++ JULIET
++ Mother.
++ Romeo escapes out the balcony.
INT. CAPULET MANOR – DAY
Later, Rosaline walks down the hallway. Outside of Juliet’s
room she hears Lady Capulet YELLING at her daughter, who is
sobbing.
As Rosaline is about to listen at the door, Lady Capulet
storms out past her -- slamming the door behind her.
Rosaline stands there with a bewildered look. Inside the room
we can hear Juliet and the Nurse ARGUING.
A beat later a frustrated Nurse leaves. And a moment after
that, Juliet exits.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. CAPULET MANOR – LATER
++ Rosaline walks down a hallway -- VOICE SCREECHES -- stops outside Juliet’s room. ++ SOBBING. Rosaline steps closer…
++ CRASH. Lady Capulet throws the door wide and hard, storms out. SLAMS the door ++ behind her.
++ Rosaline stands bewildered. ARGUING VOICES. Juliet’s frustrated Nurse escapes the ++ room in a huff. Juliet exits; tears flowing and in a stumble.
PAGES 86 & 87:
JULIET
(turning around)
What?
JULIET (cont'd)
(realizing it’s her
cousin)
Rosaline, I’m so sorry.
SUGGEST…
++ JULIET
++ What!
++ Juliet turns and sees Rosaline.
++ JULIET
++ Rosaline, I’m so sorry.
PAGE 87:
INT. FRIAR LAWRENCE’S CELL – DAY
Paris and the friar are talking when Juliet enters Friar
Lawrence's cell. Paris and Juliet speak before he kisses her
on the cheek and leaves.
The friar shuts the door behind him. A little while later,
Juliet exits carrying the skull and bones potion.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE FRIAR’S CELL – DAY
++ Juliet walks through Friar’s open cell door and interrupts Paris and the Friar. Paris ++ stops short, looks a question to ++ the good Friar, kisses Juliet on the cheek and ++ leaves.
++ Friar shuts the door cutting off the view. MOMENTS PASS, nothing to look at but the ++ closed door, till Juliet exits carrying the skull and bones potion.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (ROSALINE’S ROOM) – NIGHT
Rosaline is getting ready for bed when there is a quiet
KNOCK. Juliet enters.
ROSALINE
Is everything okay? Did you get the
potion?
Juliet pats her pocket; the top of the potion the friar had
given her is sticking out.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. ROSALINE’S ROOM – NIGHT
++ Rosaline undresses for bed. A quiet KNOCK. Juliet enters.
++ ROSALINE
++ Is everything set? Did you get the
++ potion?
++ The Friar’s potion sticks out from Juliet’s pocket. She gently pats it with a look of ++ concern and thanks.
PAGE 88:
INT. CAPULET MANOR (ROSALINE’S ROOM) – DAY
Rosaline just finishes packing her things when she hears
SCREAMING and a bustle of commotion coming from Juliet’s
room.
INT. CAPULET MANOR (JULIET’S ROOM) – DAY
The Nurse and Lady Capulet are weeping over Juliet in her bed
where she lies deathly still.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. ROSALINE’S ROOM – DAY
++ Rosaline packs her things. SCREAMING and a BUSTLE of commotion comes from down ++ the hall.
++ INT. JULIET’S ROOM - SAME
++ Lady Capulet and Juliet’s Nurse weep over Juliet laying deathly still in her bed.
PAGE 88:
EXT. MANTUA – DAY
Romeo is hanging out in the desolate Mantua (tumbleweeds and
spaghetti western music), bored out of his mind when
Balthazar and Rosaline find him.
SUGGEST…
++ EXT. MANTUA – DAY
++ Romeo walks the desolate streets of Mantua -- tumbleweeds and
++ SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC -- bored out of his mind.
++ Balthazar and Rosaline turn a corner and run into Romeo.
EXT. CHURCHYARD – NIGHT
Paris and his page (the same one from his manor) are outside
the Capulet’s vault, carrying flowers.
PARIS
Go over to the trees and whistle if
anyone comes.
The page hands his master the flowers and does as he is told.
Right as Paris is about to enter the tomb, the page WHISTLES.
A moment later, Rosaline arrives.
Rosaline and Paris are surprised to see each other. Neither
seems to like the other very much.
SUGGEST…
++ EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT
++ Paris and his Page, holding flowers, stand just outside the ++ Capulet crypt.
++ PARIS
++ Go over to the trees and whistle if
++ anyone comes.
++ Paris snatches the flowers and pushes his Page away. Turns to enter the crypt. ++ WHISTLE. Paris turns back with surprise to find Rosaline approaches.
PAGE 89:
The page, thinking his master is in trouble, runs away to
tell the authorities.
Rosaline waves someone over. It is Friar Lawrence (carrying a
crowbar) and Romeo.
SUGGEST…
++ Paris’ Page runs off with an urgentcy.
++ Rosaline waves. Romeo and Friar Lawrence, carrying a crowbar, come into view.
INT. CHURCHYARD (CAPULET’S TOMB) – CONTINUOUS
Romeo, Rosaline, and Friar Lawrence enter the tomb together.
SUGGEST…
++ INT. CAPULET CRYPT – CONTINUOUS
++ Romeo, Rosaline, and Friar Lawrence stare at Juliet.
PAGE 90:
There are loud VOICES coming from outside the tomb.
SUGGEST…
++ LOUD VOICES come from outside the tomb.
A beat later, Prince Escalus and his constables arrive. They
find the friar crying over Juliet and Romeo’s still bodies.
SUGGEST…
++ Prince Escalus and his CONSTABLES arrive to find Friar crying over Juliet and Romeo’s ++ still bodies.
PAGE 91:
The constables exit with the bodies and put them in a
carriage.
Friar Lawrence is speaking to Prince Escalus, Lord and Lady
Capulet, and Lord and Lady Montague.
SUGGEST…
++ Constables set the lifeless Romeo and Juliet in a carriage.
++ Prince Escalus, Lord and Lady Capulet, and Lord and Lady Montague face Friar ++ Lawrence.
PAGE 91:
Rosaline has a huge grin on her face.
ROSALINE
(looks at the sky)
Thank you, Jesus.
SUGGEST…
++ Rosaline’s face melts into a huge grin, looks up to the sky.
++ ROSALINE
++ Thank you, Jesus.
++ Very nice ending but I suggest one addition. I feel no one should die in an anachronism and came up with a new title…
++ The FOLLOWING IS MY SUGGESTED NEW PAGE 92 ++
ROSALINE
I can get used to this.
CREDITS ROLL OVER SCENE.
INSERT TITLE: “SWEET SORROW – A Romantic Anachronism”
A dinghy hits the sand rowed by Friar Lawrence.
Friar leads a shirtless, unidentifiable man with his torso wrapped in bandages from of the dinghy. They see Romeo, Juliet, Mercutio and Julius smile and lustfully embrace.
Tybalt, bandages oozing a bit, shows his lost, despondent reaction –- YES HE LIVES! Turns to a strange site in the surf…
Bright reflected light obscures -- surf scene in “From Here To Eternity” or a lout netted and struggling in the sea weed.
TYBALT
What light on yonder
weirdo breaks?
Tybalt nearly hurls in disgust as he recognizes…
Rosaline and TWO HUNKY NATIVES roll passionately in the waves.
FADE OUT.
++ This additional scene gives you one more reveal and strong laugh, I think it helps complete the story. ++
I hope these notes help you make this film a great one. CONGRATULATIONS! Great Script!
Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com
(SORRY FOR THE "++" ALIGNMENT -- COULDN'T FIX IT)
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Funny dialog but the Story is lacking and I am not feeling love for the characters.
Premise. Is the concept of the story unique or original? -- Possibly not unique or original in that lots of tried to do this.
Compelling Hook?-- No, but maybe for Shakespeare fans a Yes.
Structure. Does the story have a clear three act structure?--Not yet.
Is it well-paced? -- It is jittery with starts and stops as it goes.
Are there enough reversals and twists to keep it interesting? -- Nope
Do you clearly understand what world you’re in, and what the story is about? Yes even too much physical world description given at times.
Character. Is the lead character sympathetic? -- Yes to sympathetic but no to having a purpose.
Does he or she grow and change over the course of the story? -- No, just a busy body.
Are the character’s wants and needs clearly defined? -- Not really.
Stakes. Is it clear what is at stake for the main character?--No.
Do the stakes increase over the course of the movie? -- No.
Dialogue. Do the characters each have a distinct voice? -- No
Does the dialogue sound natural and real? -- Yes and no. It is funny but very Television like dialog.
Genre Conventions. If the movie is a genre story, does it effectively and artfully fulfill the conventions of its genre? -- It is a good comedy but it needs work to be great comedy of historical proportions.
Cinematic Value. Does the script lend itself to visual storytelling? -- It does but it reeks of something shot on a cheap painted studio set some how.
Are there directorial set pieces within the story?
Could this screenplay just as easily be a play? -- It has been a play before.
Special Qualities. Does the script or test movie have a special quality to it, like the adroit use of theme, unique style and tone or an indefinable magic that permeates the storytelling? Not yet.
I like this because I like Shakespeare's works. Would someone unfamiliar with William understand this movie? -- I don’t think so. The movie does not work without knowing the play of Romeo and Juliet. It is not yet a stand alone movie.
None of the characters in this screenplay really stand out for anything other than being funny and or sex starved. There is no growth by the characters. There is story arc for them to rise and fall with as they speak.
This is a good clone of a Mel Brooke’s type ‘History’ picture. It is funny but the weak ‘Story’ is not allowing it to be watched by non-Shakespeare movie goers.
What seems to be missing is that I just don’t really care about what happens to Rosaline in this screenplay; or the other characters.
Note to reader: These comments are done while reading the screenplay for the first time as if I was ‘viewing’ the film.
page 1.
A horse pulls a carriage along the dirt roads, down the hill, and into the heart of Verona.
Stop! Do not tell the Director, cameraman, cinematographer or production designer how to do their job.
A carriage on a road.
We know it is a dirt road of sorts because we see the horse carriage and they are usually not on a paved road if the characters are in period costumes.
The DRIVER, a wise elderly gentleman, grits his teeth and continues to drive. The voice yells louder.
ROSALINE (O.S.)
I demand you to stop!
The driver shakes his head and CRACKS his whip to get the horse to go faster.
Do not tell the actors how to act. You are not writing a novel; this is a screenplay.
The carriage DRIVER, elderly, ignores her and drives on. vs. The DRIVER whips the horse to go faster.
There are all the elements of the action without telling anyone what to do. You find out about the driver, he ignores her and makes the cart go faster. Let the actors and Director work out the rest.
The owner of the voice, ROSALINE, a brash and drop dead beautiful sixteen-year-old, opens the door to the carriage and climbs out towards the driver.
ROSALINE, Italian Beauty (16), climbs out of the carriage to get to the driver.
Page 2
EXT. CAPULET MANOR - DAY
The Capulet Manor sits perched on a hill, regal and pretentious. The gardens lead to a patio and then to open french doors that lead to the dining room.
You are calling camera establishing shots here. Job of Director and Production Designer.
Always near Juliet is her NURSE, who sits by her side cutting her food and sometimes even pre-chewing it.
While eating, Tybalt stares at Juliet, who intentionally ignores him as she sips her tea daintily.
LORD CAPULET
Tybalt.
TYBALT
Yes, sir?
LORD CAPULET She’s your responsibility once she arrives.
Tybalt nods.
LORD CAPULET I don’t want her embarrassing our family here in Verona. (beat)
If you can do that, there may be a way I can make a
good marriage match for you, my boy.
Good opening but you are telling actors how to act here. Tybalt should not ‘nods’ but let the actor react. “Tybalt agrees”.
Tybalt smiles at Juliet. It’s creepy.
Lady Capulet smiles at Tybalt. It’s creepier.
You are telling and now showing here. How is the actor and audiences suppose to “know” the smile is creepy?
Tybalt gives Juliet a creepy smile.
Lady Capulet gives Tybalt a creepier smile.
Lord Capulet doesn’t notice his wife leering at her nephew or his nephew ogling his daughter; he’s too busy stuffing a roll in his mouth.
Lord Capulet eats while everyone else leers or ogles the others.
Page 3
The owner of the brown eyes, MERCUTIO (Romeo’s friend and Count Paris’ cousin) steps out in front of Rosaline.
MERCUTIO And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?
ROSALINE (looking him up and down)
No one. Rosaline walks away, but Mercutio follows behind.
Shakespeare usually put his characters in groups for introductions. To me 16th Century city dwellers would not be out alone but in groups. Rosaline is fine alone because of how she got their. I would have given here a companion servant to trail her.
Mercutio should have 1-2 others with him to allow for better conversation elements, conflict and someone to bounce her ignoring him off of and too laugh at him.
Page 4
MERCUTIO
Lord and Lady Montague, from one of the two warring families.
WARRING? Show don’t tell us.
This is where you get paid as the writer to show us these warring families. Think of Business Posters like your Uncle Sam poster. Think of arguments in the crowd. Think of Minstrels singing the news of the war but think.
Page 6.
MERCUTIO So when do I get to know your name?
ROSALINE I’m Rosaline.
MERCUTIO Cousin to the beautiful Juliet?
Yeah.
How the... did he conclude she was Juliet’s cousin?
OPHELIA
Tell me that you weren’t with her!
ROMEO
I wasn’t.
OPHELIA
I saw you!
Romeo lowers his voice to compensate.
ROMEO
I was only holding her hand.
OPHELIA
Naked?
Romeo tries to take Ophelia’s hand.
ROMEO
If I profane with my unworthiest
hand...
Ophelia pulls her hand away and SLAPS Romeo in the face.
OPHELIA
’ve heard that one before.
The jokes work better if done straight for the characters POV. Romeo is not staying true to his current character in this exchange.
EXT. VERONA - DAY
Mercutio escorts Rosaline through Verona.
Think limits here. “Verona” is a non-limit. Put them in a part of a city. The market, the baths, the business district. Limit them so their can be a reason for their being there and not just standing in a house or warehouse having the same conversation.
Page 24
Still no turning point or setup or something after 24 minutes. Count Paris is wanting to marry Juliet is not enough of a Spark or change in the events to warrant a good Story.
Montage; not a good thing in a screenplay. leave to editor.
You Introduce Count Paris here but you don’t give him anything other than a swordsman. Again your character is alone which would be strange for a man of means on a horse.
I am going to skip to comment on page 44 now but I wanted to say that so far the good is that your dialog is funny but the movie seems like a remake of George Hamilton’s Zorro.
Page 45.
INT. CAPULET MANOR - DAY
Tybalt, Sampson, and Gregory arm themselves. They leave the manor together.
Why? Why is this scene here?
Please stop with ‘(beat)’s
When he is done, Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet leave with Prince Escalus and everyone else disperses.
Watch your verb tenses as this is not a novel.
Prince Escalus leave with Lord and Lady Capulet. The crowd disperse.
An angry Rosaline grabs the servant’s collar.
ROSALINE
Just do it.
She should be grabbing his nose or ear or crotch because this is Shakespeare.
Page 64.
You might want to put Romeo and Juliet in Shakespeare voice the entire movie as the both crazy would be fun.
And FADE OUT.
Okay it is pretty funny stuff but the Story Arc is not really there. I do like it and I can see the film in my head but I feel I am getting bored while reading it. It just does not have a rhythm of some kind.
It is short. if you take out the 20 pages of unneeded stuff and cleaned it up as is yo would only have about 70 pages of screen play.
The dialog while witty and funny is too much about talking and telling versus showing us the story. Seems almost Television to me.
I do like it. I would pay to see it as a movie or at least rent it as a DVD or download.
Compelling Hook?-- No, but maybe for Shakespeare fans a Yes.
Structure. Does the story have a clear three act structure?--Not yet.
Is it well-paced? -- It is jittery with starts and stops as it goes.
Are there enough reversals and twists to keep it interesting? -- Nope
Do you clearly understand what world you’re in, and what the story is about? Yes even too much physical world description given at times.
Character. Is the lead character sympathetic? -- Yes to sympathetic but no to having a purpose.
Does he or she grow and change over the course of the story? -- No, just a busy body.
Are the character’s wants and needs clearly defined? -- Not really.
Stakes. Is it clear what is at stake for the main character?--No.
Do the stakes increase over the course of the movie? -- No.
Dialogue. Do the characters each have a distinct voice? -- No
Does the dialogue sound natural and real? -- Yes and no. It is funny but very Television like dialog.
Genre Conventions. If the movie is a genre story, does it effectively and artfully fulfill the conventions of its genre? -- It is a good comedy but it needs work to be great comedy of historical proportions.
Cinematic Value. Does the script lend itself to visual storytelling? -- It does but it reeks of something shot on a cheap painted studio set some how.
Are there directorial set pieces within the story?
Could this screenplay just as easily be a play? -- It has been a play before.
Special Qualities. Does the script or test movie have a special quality to it, like the adroit use of theme, unique style and tone or an indefinable magic that permeates the storytelling? Not yet.
I like this because I like Shakespeare's works. Would someone unfamiliar with William understand this movie? -- I don’t think so. The movie does not work without knowing the play of Romeo and Juliet. It is not yet a stand alone movie.
None of the characters in this screenplay really stand out for anything other than being funny and or sex starved. There is no growth by the characters. There is story arc for them to rise and fall with as they speak.
This is a good clone of a Mel Brooke’s type ‘History’ picture. It is funny but the weak ‘Story’ is not allowing it to be watched by non-Shakespeare movie goers.
What seems to be missing is that I just don’t really care about what happens to Rosaline in this screenplay; or the other characters.
Note to reader: These comments are done while reading the screenplay for the first time as if I was ‘viewing’ the film.
page 1.
A horse pulls a carriage along the dirt roads, down the hill, and into the heart of Verona.
Stop! Do not tell the Director, cameraman, cinematographer or production designer how to do their job.
A carriage on a road.
We know it is a dirt road of sorts because we see the horse carriage and they are usually not on a paved road if the characters are in period costumes.
The DRIVER, a wise elderly gentleman, grits his teeth and continues to drive. The voice yells louder.
ROSALINE (O.S.)
I demand you to stop!
The driver shakes his head and CRACKS his whip to get the horse to go faster.
Do not tell the actors how to act. You are not writing a novel; this is a screenplay.
The carriage DRIVER, elderly, ignores her and drives on. vs. The DRIVER whips the horse to go faster.
There are all the elements of the action without telling anyone what to do. You find out about the driver, he ignores her and makes the cart go faster. Let the actors and Director work out the rest.
The owner of the voice, ROSALINE, a brash and drop dead beautiful sixteen-year-old, opens the door to the carriage and climbs out towards the driver.
ROSALINE, Italian Beauty (16), climbs out of the carriage to get to the driver.
Page 2
EXT. CAPULET MANOR - DAY
The Capulet Manor sits perched on a hill, regal and pretentious. The gardens lead to a patio and then to open french doors that lead to the dining room.
You are calling camera establishing shots here. Job of Director and Production Designer.
Always near Juliet is her NURSE, who sits by her side cutting her food and sometimes even pre-chewing it.
While eating, Tybalt stares at Juliet, who intentionally ignores him as she sips her tea daintily.
LORD CAPULET
Tybalt.
TYBALT
Yes, sir?
LORD CAPULET She’s your responsibility once she arrives.
Tybalt nods.
LORD CAPULET I don’t want her embarrassing our family here in Verona. (beat)
If you can do that, there may be a way I can make a
good marriage match for you, my boy.
Good opening but you are telling actors how to act here. Tybalt should not ‘nods’ but let the actor react. “Tybalt agrees”.
Tybalt smiles at Juliet. It’s creepy.
Lady Capulet smiles at Tybalt. It’s creepier.
You are telling and now showing here. How is the actor and audiences suppose to “know” the smile is creepy?
Tybalt gives Juliet a creepy smile.
Lady Capulet gives Tybalt a creepier smile.
Lord Capulet doesn’t notice his wife leering at her nephew or his nephew ogling his daughter; he’s too busy stuffing a roll in his mouth.
Lord Capulet eats while everyone else leers or ogles the others.
Page 3
The owner of the brown eyes, MERCUTIO (Romeo’s friend and Count Paris’ cousin) steps out in front of Rosaline.
MERCUTIO And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?
ROSALINE (looking him up and down)
No one. Rosaline walks away, but Mercutio follows behind.
Shakespeare usually put his characters in groups for introductions. To me 16th Century city dwellers would not be out alone but in groups. Rosaline is fine alone because of how she got their. I would have given here a companion servant to trail her.
Mercutio should have 1-2 others with him to allow for better conversation elements, conflict and someone to bounce her ignoring him off of and too laugh at him.
Page 4
MERCUTIO
Lord and Lady Montague, from one of the two warring families.
WARRING? Show don’t tell us.
This is where you get paid as the writer to show us these warring families. Think of Business Posters like your Uncle Sam poster. Think of arguments in the crowd. Think of Minstrels singing the news of the war but think.
Page 6.
MERCUTIO So when do I get to know your name?
ROSALINE I’m Rosaline.
MERCUTIO Cousin to the beautiful Juliet?
Yeah.
How the... did he conclude she was Juliet’s cousin?
OPHELIA
Tell me that you weren’t with her!
ROMEO
I wasn’t.
OPHELIA
I saw you!
Romeo lowers his voice to compensate.
ROMEO
I was only holding her hand.
OPHELIA
Naked?
Romeo tries to take Ophelia’s hand.
ROMEO
If I profane with my unworthiest
hand...
Ophelia pulls her hand away and SLAPS Romeo in the face.
OPHELIA
’ve heard that one before.
The jokes work better if done straight for the characters POV. Romeo is not staying true to his current character in this exchange.
EXT. VERONA - DAY
Mercutio escorts Rosaline through Verona.
Think limits here. “Verona” is a non-limit. Put them in a part of a city. The market, the baths, the business district. Limit them so their can be a reason for their being there and not just standing in a house or warehouse having the same conversation.
Page 24
Still no turning point or setup or something after 24 minutes. Count Paris is wanting to marry Juliet is not enough of a Spark or change in the events to warrant a good Story.
Montage; not a good thing in a screenplay. leave to editor.
You Introduce Count Paris here but you don’t give him anything other than a swordsman. Again your character is alone which would be strange for a man of means on a horse.
I am going to skip to comment on page 44 now but I wanted to say that so far the good is that your dialog is funny but the movie seems like a remake of George Hamilton’s Zorro.
Page 45.
INT. CAPULET MANOR - DAY
Tybalt, Sampson, and Gregory arm themselves. They leave the manor together.
Why? Why is this scene here?
Please stop with ‘(beat)’s
When he is done, Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet leave with Prince Escalus and everyone else disperses.
Watch your verb tenses as this is not a novel.
Prince Escalus leave with Lord and Lady Capulet. The crowd disperse.
An angry Rosaline grabs the servant’s collar.
ROSALINE
Just do it.
She should be grabbing his nose or ear or crotch because this is Shakespeare.
Page 64.
You might want to put Romeo and Juliet in Shakespeare voice the entire movie as the both crazy would be fun.
And FADE OUT.
Okay it is pretty funny stuff but the Story Arc is not really there. I do like it and I can see the film in my head but I feel I am getting bored while reading it. It just does not have a rhythm of some kind.
It is short. if you take out the 20 pages of unneeded stuff and cleaned it up as is yo would only have about 70 pages of screen play.
The dialog while witty and funny is too much about talking and telling versus showing us the story. Seems almost Television to me.
I do like it. I would pay to see it as a movie or at least rent it as a DVD or download.
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P.2 – creepy smiles go around. The audience won’t know how creepy they are because we have no idea that tybalt is juliet’s cousin and lady capulet’s nephew. Throw in an indicator in the dialogue.
p.3 – unless you’re going for an anachronistic historical movie like A Knight’s Tale, then you should change the fruit. Banana’s would’ve been all but unknown in Europe at this time and certainly wouldn’t be in a street vendor’s possession. (update: after finishing the script I realize you ARE going for the anachronism, but that leads to problems in itself later in the script)
The flashback for Rosaline’s exposition is so on the nose. Is it even necessary? Can we tease out her motivations as the story moves along? It doesn't really motivate why she want to waste her time hurting Romeo or why it's important enough that she'd use her body and what's left of her reputation to do it.
What is Rosaline hoping to gain by meeting with Romeo? If it’s boredom then she’s not really trying to entertain herself. If it’s because she likes him then she’s sure not showing it. If it’s because he reminds her of someone that she wants to get back at then she should be acting as if that’s the plan (e.g. seducing him to lead him on and crush him or purposefully prolonging her taunting and torturing of him). Right now it feels unmotivated and plotted.
p.17 – things that fly in olden days don’t work when viewed by a modern audience without context. It’s going to be hard to sell a 16 year old playboy getting other teenage girls pregnant all over town. Especially if you’re playing up anachronism/modernism in the historical setting. It wasn’t unusual to have cousins marry but you make it gross because of our modern context. You can’t have it both ways by having 16 year old Romeo be a man that is impregnating teen women in that same modern context because by today’s standards he’s considered a kid and teen pregnancy is a stigmatism. I don’t think you have to be that obvious. Why do they need to have children? They could be just ruined women that he fooled around with, without being as explicit as showing a 16 year old is fathering lots of uncared for offspring.
You make familial connections almost entirely through description. Great for the reader but not practical on screen. Throw some of the associations into the dialogue.
p.20 – So Mercutio thinks he can turn Romeo, the greatest lothario of the city, gay? What?
p.24 – love montage: we don’t know what was in the letter Mercutio had her write, we don’t know what the plan is. Why the sudden change of heart. The audience will be confused as to whether they are really falling in love or if she’s just setting him up or if she intended to set him up but now she’s actually falling in love. Either which way it’s confusing and unmotivated to suddenly go from cold to kissing to love montage with no transition or motivation for the sudden change. I don’t know what she wants or hopes to get.
p.30 – Rosaline is supposed to be empowered but she doesn’t value her body (let alone her reputation) if she’s willing to have sex with Romeo, a guy she doesn’t even like, just to get a different, much older man. It’s all kind of gross. If she needed Paris as motivation to ruin Romeo then why did she start the plan in the first place? Why would the audience want her to succeed with hurting Romeo or getting Paris? There’s nothing about her that is very likable and nothing about her goals that are very worthy.
p. 34 – What could possibly be the Friar’s motivation for (seemingly) always helping out a kid that is creating bastards all over town? I’m pretty sure he would frown upon sex out of wedlock not to mention multiple partners and bastard children. Most characters seem unmotivated in this script and are bent one way by the original story of Romeo and Juliet and then bent another way to fit them into this plot. In the original the Friar is helping true love unite for the purpose of marriage and Romeo wasn’t a complete dog. In this version if you drastically change Romeo’s character you can’t have the Friar behave the same without drastically changing his character.
p. 38 – why make up a Romeo rape story??? Is this part of the plan? We don’t know the plan so we have no idea. Would Rosaline or Mercutio really want Romeo killed? Can the audience be expected to care about Rosaline if she lies and puts Romeo’s life in danger? Why should we care about a person like that?
p.44 – convenient and awful cheat on the audience. How exactly did Romeo’s dad talk Lord Capulet out of letting the guy that raped his niece off scott free? Prince Escalus hands out death penalties for simply disturbing the peace but rape can be brushed off?
p.47 - sending out invites on the day of the party???
p. 48 – servant’s motivation for following Rosaline’s orders? Apparently she has a bad rep. Probably everyone in the house knows she’s getting kicked out, and Lord Capulet is the servant’s actual boss and a person that would personally kill whoever invited a Montague. It’s so contrived and unmotivated. At the very least, Rosaline has nothing to lose and could easily invite Romeo herself. If the servant knows who Romeo is then the servant also knows he will be in deep trouble for inviting him. You’re telling us that servant is willing to risk the hell that breaks loose if Romeo shows up (and Lord Capulet only gave the invite list to one person so there’s no shifting the blame) just so Rosaline won’t ruffle his collar anymore?
By page 50 we still have no reason to care about Rosaline and what she wants. She seems like an evil schemer with no heart, no morals and a superiority complex. You could make her much more sympathetic if the rumors about her were untrue. Or if she wasn’t trying to destroy Romeo just so she can get something selfish for herself. She behaves like a villain more than a heroine. She also tells Mercutio to get over Romeo and that there are other men out there. But isn’t the same also true for her infatuation with Paris? Why go through some elaborate scheme to try and get an older man that rejects he because she’s not a virgin? Even if we liked Rosaline we wouldn’t want her to end up with a guy like that.
I believe Mercutio’s love for Romeo more than I believe any other love connection put forth in the entire script. I would want to see Mercutio use the potion to make Romeo fall in love with him. If Mercutio wants him as much as we believe, then why wouldn’t he try this one last thing before giving up on the love of his life? Why not steal the potion from Rosaline or change the plan at the last minute so that Romeo sees him first? You’re making Mercutio the selfless and most interesting character but he’s not the protagonist and it just makes Rosaline seem all the more shallow and selfish.
P.64 – Rosaline is engineering Romeo’s great speech, but that only works if you set Romeo up to be a not very charming or eloquent guy. However, most of the script Romeo speaks poetically and Rosaline speaks like a girl from modern times that never learned elocution. Yet, he needs her help thinking up flowery things to say??
Romeo is given a greater character arc than Rosaline. Her only insight and change seems to be that she recognizes that she needs friends?
p.79 – the trouble with trying to fold too much of Romeo and Juliet into this story is that you’re folding tragedy into a very broad comedy. There’s a serious tone shift once you kill Tybalt, but then it shifts right back into comedy. Very jarring.
Rosaline keeps asking people to trust her when no one really has any reason to trust her at all. She didn’t have a single scene in which she wasn’t deceiving someone.
p.86 – Rosaline has already used the “faking your death” trick to help Mercutio. It’s boring to re-use the same solution to a problem. Why couldn’t she just help them run away? You’re bending over backwards trying to fit the original story points into the new structure with Rosaline as the architect and it just doesn’t work.
It seems like your thread for Rosaline is “Rosaline wants a man” so then she tries to get Romeo for reasons unknown till Paris comes along and she tries to get him but then there are pages and pages where she gets sidetracked and instead helps Mercutio get a man and Juliet get a man and then finally she goes to another country where she gets a native American man. That shows how convoluted and unclear the story gets by trying to merge too much of Romeo and Juliet into the plot. If the major dramatic question is “will Rosaline ever find love?” then too much time and too many pages are wasted with a relationship with Romeo that she knows isn’t going anywhere and then helping Mercutio and Romeo find love. If the major dramatic question is “Can Rosaline bring Romeo and Juliet together before their families destroy one another?” Then there are too many pages wasted on trying to get Paris, trying to seduce Romeo to break his heart, etc. The script lacks focus, a clear goal, a likeable protagonist and motivated characters. In the end, I don’t think Rosaline is a changed person or has really learned much. Romeo and Mercutio go through much more dramatic life transformations. Make Rosaline likeable if she’s the hero. Give her a clear goal that the audience cares about (not winning over some shallow old man). Make sure all character actions are motivated by what they want and need whether it fits the original Romeo and Juliet or not.