All Reviews

The premise hooked me enough to read through the script, and I did like it. I think it's a good "trapped" scenario.

**edited to say** I re-read this and it seems like one big moan, I didn't mean it to come across like that. I just focussed on the things that I'd change as quick-wins to make it better in my opinion. Also, I don't believe in dishing out 5 stars to everything just to be nice, as that renders the rating system pointless, so please don't be offended by the "good" ratings. I though it was good, so that's what I put :)

General notes:
Page 24 may be considered a little late to kick off the intrigue, under traditional scriptwriting guidelines. Personally I didn't mind, there is some good interplay in the office before that, but it's always worth considering if there are ways to hook the audience faster.

The timescales are a bit short - it's 12:15 when the Caller starts proceedings - Pamela is supposed to be starting her break at this point but takes the call instead. By page 49 we are seeing Grace complain that Pamela is cocking up the rotation and that she "normally takes lunch late", but by this time we've had the 18-wheeler scene and the whole emergency services response, the presentation of Cassie on the phone and Jeremy & Howard taking Williams' car. By now it's probably way past 1pm.

Pamela does a lot of texting, and that didn't quite add up for me. If the mystery Caller can see her, presumably over the video camera system at this point, and with enough detail to notice she is wearing a wedding ring suddenly (nice use of ring - wedding/ring - phonecall for tension by the way!) then there is no way the Caller wouldn't spot her texting. It's usually pretty obvious when someone is doing that, especially with the frequency and amount of text she is writing. Perhaps if Pamela used some other mechanism, like she connects an Instant Messenger system to her phone so she can type on the keyboard instead. The view of her screen would be out of shot of the security cameras but also blocked by her body so Richard couldn't see her. Something like that.

There were a couple of cliche's - Howard the buddy cop being a week from retirement being the big one. I understand that this is to give him motive to be involved in the crime, but it still made me roll my eyes :) The other is the old unlocking a door with a hairpin wheeze. It's not really that easy, and how would pamela know how to do it? Couldn't she just kick the door down or something - this is a woman with her child threatened by that man, she'd smash the door down with anything to hand.

Scene specific notes:
Page 46 - I didn't quite follow the exchange between Jeremy, Howard, and Williams. I understand it's a lighter comedy moment with some banter but the whole 'vacation' thing ending with "hey, Howard..." after they had left went over my head.

Page 48 - Howard wouldn't hold on for dear life just because of acceleration, it's an inappropriate response. Perhaps if Jeremy did some hairy overtaking move instead, that would emphasise his desperation and give Howard a reason to cling on.

Page 57 - What with this and the 18 wheeler incident, Howard is following a rather chancy plan. Both scenarios risk death or serious injury putting him out fo the game. Is there a way of making it look risky but Howard has convenient exits each time? Also, a hose and a tap under the sink to put out a fire? Wouldn't they simply go back to the cruiser to get the fire extinguisher? This whole scene doesn't quite work for me, it's unconvincing and a bit contrived. The idea that the police cause the explosion is good but the execution doesn't do it justice.

Page 97 - a tactical vest would not stop a rifle bullet, especially at close range.

Nitpicks:
There are a couple of "your you're" mixups, a random comma or two, and a typo here and there.

I hope this helps - I'm no industry mogul or script doctor, just some other schmuck trying to help tell good stories :)

The idea of a 911 operator being held hostage is interesting, but the script contains a lot of holes and falls apart in the end.

First of all. There are a lot of typos and mistakes in the script structure. There are too many parentheticals. Parentheticals are used to convey emotion and inflection. If action is taking place, then use a different line.

From page 95 on, you mix up Howard and Richard countless times. You need to proofread your script or have someone do it for you. In the cemetery, you have Jeremy leaning over Richard in the flashback.

The child with asthma is a tired vehicle. You can come up with a better idea than that.

There is too much exposition. The intercut scene where they tell the story of the fire is tedious. Show, don't tell.

The climax of the script just defies logic and explanation. Did you do enough research into the workings of a 911 office? I doubt that an operator could miss 213 calls and not have it raise red flags all over the place, regardless if the supervisor was the culprit.

How does Pamela know where they will be? And how does she race across town and smash into them in a Ford Focus? Did she race thru traffic? Did she fly? Why didn't she tell jeremy? Why didn't she call the cops? How did she manage to survive the crash? How did the asthmatic child survive any of this?

The use of leaking gasoline to create an explosion is a old movie stunt. It was poorly executed.

I printed this out before you posted your 2nd version. I look forward to seeing what updates you might have already made. You've got a decent idea here, see if you can clean it up. Good luck.