2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Very strong concept that can be developed.
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Far too many major problems...
Lauren,
First off, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to read your script. I appreciate that you posted it here; the more scripts uploaded, the more we can learn from each other.
Secondly, I would like to say kudos for finishing a script. It's not an easy task, and though I think the end result needs a lot of work, you've clearly shown that you are tenacious enough to give this a major rewrite.
All that said, on with the review:
I want you to know that I believe in being brutally honest, as I feel it's the only way for us to improve. Please know that I've even been rather harsh to a really good script on the development slate! It's not that I'm trying to be a jerk at all-- I promise I'm not. It's just that there is always room for better!
Put simply, this just didn't work for me. The script is marred with major formatting and grammar errors, and in the end, it just seems like not much happens. I would say this script has a bad case of TPMS (The Phantom Menace Syndrome). In other words, you've got a sci-fi story that should be action-packed, but instead, it's loaded with tons of scenes of people just standing around spewing stilted dialogue. Another major problem is that you often show instead of tell.
As I read, I took notes for the first 50 pages or so. I've posted them below:
Moment in Time notes:
Right off the bat, you have grammar errors and typos. For example, “The explosion expands rapidly the original BIG BANG starts” is a run-on. You should have a period or a semicolon after rapidly, or maybe just throw in “and.” There’s more like this on the first page alone. Trust me—I make my share of typos too, but when you make mistakes like this so frequently, it’s hard to take your work seriously. At any rate, a producer certainly won’t take the work seriously.
At the bottom of page one, you have “TOM ANSEN: (57) Radio Astronomer works for SETI.” There’s a lot wrong with this, but the biggest problem is that you are showing, not telling. You need to show me something that lets me know that he works for SETI—you can’t just tell me that in the script. I might need to see him working near some sort of satellite array, listening to signals (or something along those lines). But no matter what, you can’t just tell me.
The same goes for the rest of your character intros. At the risk of being mean, I think that if I happened to be a producer, I might be finished by page 2. Just too many egregious errors.
Pet peeve: nouns of direct address. If you are addressing someone by name, you must use a comma. For example: “Not as much fun as you had last night, Professor.” I know I’m sounding like a crusty old English teacher here, and I know that scripts aren’t necessarily known for their perfect grammar, but this kind of mistake really starts to pile up.
On page 3, you immediately have another “show vs. tell” moment. You can’t just tell me they are SETI’s best sponsors. If that’s an important detail, you must show it.
At this point—and I’m still only on page 3—I’m going to have to stop addressing all the grammar errors if I’m going to finish this. Lauren, there is simply no way anyone will take this seriously until you clean up the writing. This needs a major overhaul. If grammar is something you really struggle with, it might be worth your time to ask for some outside help to clean it up some.
From this point on, I’ll try to focus on other issues:
Page 5: “He slowly washes, shuts off the water, and grabs the towel hanging next to
the door.” Why give so much detail to the simple act of stepping out of the shower? You could just say that "He steps from the shower." The script is only 86 pages, and you have a lot of extraneous writing already. It makes me think there might not be much room for a story if the whole script focuses on long explanations of mundane things.
Page 6: Does Night Eyes actually say “A low haunting chant”? I’m doubting it. Take that out of the dialogue line.
Page 6: A lot of really bad “tells.” Show me who these people are by having them do interesting things that define their character. Don’t just tell me in action lines!
Page 7: Aaron says “You did it Dr. Weston, they gave you six hours, shit it says.” That makes no sense it all. Please clarify.
Page 8: Try to avoid “POV” and “RETURN TO FULL SCENE,” (which I don’t believe is a real command). Your job is to tell the story, not to direct it. When you read the scene, you don’t really need the commands anyway.
Page 11: You are really trying to milk the joke about Jacob staring at Juliann. Don’t overstay your welcome on a joke like that. Really, the moment should be over after her dialogue at the bottom of page 10.
Page 12: Introduction of Christine. If this moment is supposed to be serious, and I think it is, why would an astronomer wear a leather jumpsuit to work? Is she also one of Charlie’s Angels?
Page 14: I know that writing dialogue for a sci-fi script isn’t easy, but this dialogue is stilted to say the least. It’s all very robotic.
Page 15: When Jacob goes outside, you need a slug line that indicates that he’s now outdoors.
Page 20: All the humor about guys checking out the girls is getting really repetitive. It’s not that funny. If you want to include humor in this story, try to broaden the spectrum of joke topics. So far, each lighter moment has been about some guy staring at some girl’s butt or boobs. Don’t get me wrong—I, too, and a pretty big fan of butts and boobs, but that single gag won’t carry the script for 86 pages if you are trying to make people giggle.
Page 21: STORY STRUCTURE. Consider this, Lauren: I’m now on page 21, which is bout 25% of the way through your script, and essentially NOTHING has happened. A bunch of people have talked about satellites and some sort of collider, a couple of guys have been caught staring at butts, and one guy might have died as the result of a total coincidence that really has nothing to do with moving the story forward. At this point, what reason do I have to continue reading? You’ve given me nothing to worry about or anyone to root for.
Page 24: If he’s ok, then what was the point of Jacob falling? That moment is completely unnecessary.
Page 26: A beat belongs in a parenthetical.
Page 31: More of the staring at girls humor. Has there even been ONE attempt at another kind of joke?
Page 32: The characters are still going on about Jacob falling. Why is it relevant?
Page 35: We’re now very close to the midway point of the script, and nothing has happened yet. Where is the conflict? Where are the plot points that push the story forward? You’ve mentioned a machine that can open a blackhole, right? Why not use it? For a script this short, act I should have ended around… maybe page 25 or so. Where’s your end-of-act I event? The big moment that propels us into act II? You can’t just have people standing around talking for an entire script!
Page 40: More sexual tension jokes. The humor does not work in this script at all.
Page 40: I’ve noticed you keep using the word “yap” in your dialogue. I’m assuming you’re shooting for “yep,” unless the characters have some sort of strange accents.
Page 43: I’m at the halfway point of the script, and still, virtually nothing has happened. Just a lot of talk.
Page 47: You’ve labeled this as a sci-fi suspense thriller, but you keep forcing the really unfunny jokes. Aside from cleaning up the myriad of editing errors, you might consider dropping the humor and focusing more on the story.
Page 55: Only 30 pages to go and the only event has been with the protestors. Essentially, there is still really nothing happening. I only see people talking about the potential for things to happen.
That's where I stopped taking notes. Even though I clearly think the script needs a major rewrite, I want to thank you again for the chance to read it.
First off, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to read your script. I appreciate that you posted it here; the more scripts uploaded, the more we can learn from each other.
Secondly, I would like to say kudos for finishing a script. It's not an easy task, and though I think the end result needs a lot of work, you've clearly shown that you are tenacious enough to give this a major rewrite.
All that said, on with the review:
I want you to know that I believe in being brutally honest, as I feel it's the only way for us to improve. Please know that I've even been rather harsh to a really good script on the development slate! It's not that I'm trying to be a jerk at all-- I promise I'm not. It's just that there is always room for better!
Put simply, this just didn't work for me. The script is marred with major formatting and grammar errors, and in the end, it just seems like not much happens. I would say this script has a bad case of TPMS (The Phantom Menace Syndrome). In other words, you've got a sci-fi story that should be action-packed, but instead, it's loaded with tons of scenes of people just standing around spewing stilted dialogue. Another major problem is that you often show instead of tell.
As I read, I took notes for the first 50 pages or so. I've posted them below:
Moment in Time notes:
Right off the bat, you have grammar errors and typos. For example, “The explosion expands rapidly the original BIG BANG starts” is a run-on. You should have a period or a semicolon after rapidly, or maybe just throw in “and.” There’s more like this on the first page alone. Trust me—I make my share of typos too, but when you make mistakes like this so frequently, it’s hard to take your work seriously. At any rate, a producer certainly won’t take the work seriously.
At the bottom of page one, you have “TOM ANSEN: (57) Radio Astronomer works for SETI.” There’s a lot wrong with this, but the biggest problem is that you are showing, not telling. You need to show me something that lets me know that he works for SETI—you can’t just tell me that in the script. I might need to see him working near some sort of satellite array, listening to signals (or something along those lines). But no matter what, you can’t just tell me.
The same goes for the rest of your character intros. At the risk of being mean, I think that if I happened to be a producer, I might be finished by page 2. Just too many egregious errors.
Pet peeve: nouns of direct address. If you are addressing someone by name, you must use a comma. For example: “Not as much fun as you had last night, Professor.” I know I’m sounding like a crusty old English teacher here, and I know that scripts aren’t necessarily known for their perfect grammar, but this kind of mistake really starts to pile up.
On page 3, you immediately have another “show vs. tell” moment. You can’t just tell me they are SETI’s best sponsors. If that’s an important detail, you must show it.
At this point—and I’m still only on page 3—I’m going to have to stop addressing all the grammar errors if I’m going to finish this. Lauren, there is simply no way anyone will take this seriously until you clean up the writing. This needs a major overhaul. If grammar is something you really struggle with, it might be worth your time to ask for some outside help to clean it up some.
From this point on, I’ll try to focus on other issues:
Page 5: “He slowly washes, shuts off the water, and grabs the towel hanging next to
the door.” Why give so much detail to the simple act of stepping out of the shower? You could just say that "He steps from the shower." The script is only 86 pages, and you have a lot of extraneous writing already. It makes me think there might not be much room for a story if the whole script focuses on long explanations of mundane things.
Page 6: Does Night Eyes actually say “A low haunting chant”? I’m doubting it. Take that out of the dialogue line.
Page 6: A lot of really bad “tells.” Show me who these people are by having them do interesting things that define their character. Don’t just tell me in action lines!
Page 7: Aaron says “You did it Dr. Weston, they gave you six hours, shit it says.” That makes no sense it all. Please clarify.
Page 8: Try to avoid “POV” and “RETURN TO FULL SCENE,” (which I don’t believe is a real command). Your job is to tell the story, not to direct it. When you read the scene, you don’t really need the commands anyway.
Page 11: You are really trying to milk the joke about Jacob staring at Juliann. Don’t overstay your welcome on a joke like that. Really, the moment should be over after her dialogue at the bottom of page 10.
Page 12: Introduction of Christine. If this moment is supposed to be serious, and I think it is, why would an astronomer wear a leather jumpsuit to work? Is she also one of Charlie’s Angels?
Page 14: I know that writing dialogue for a sci-fi script isn’t easy, but this dialogue is stilted to say the least. It’s all very robotic.
Page 15: When Jacob goes outside, you need a slug line that indicates that he’s now outdoors.
Page 20: All the humor about guys checking out the girls is getting really repetitive. It’s not that funny. If you want to include humor in this story, try to broaden the spectrum of joke topics. So far, each lighter moment has been about some guy staring at some girl’s butt or boobs. Don’t get me wrong—I, too, and a pretty big fan of butts and boobs, but that single gag won’t carry the script for 86 pages if you are trying to make people giggle.
Page 21: STORY STRUCTURE. Consider this, Lauren: I’m now on page 21, which is bout 25% of the way through your script, and essentially NOTHING has happened. A bunch of people have talked about satellites and some sort of collider, a couple of guys have been caught staring at butts, and one guy might have died as the result of a total coincidence that really has nothing to do with moving the story forward. At this point, what reason do I have to continue reading? You’ve given me nothing to worry about or anyone to root for.
Page 24: If he’s ok, then what was the point of Jacob falling? That moment is completely unnecessary.
Page 26: A beat belongs in a parenthetical.
Page 31: More of the staring at girls humor. Has there even been ONE attempt at another kind of joke?
Page 32: The characters are still going on about Jacob falling. Why is it relevant?
Page 35: We’re now very close to the midway point of the script, and nothing has happened yet. Where is the conflict? Where are the plot points that push the story forward? You’ve mentioned a machine that can open a blackhole, right? Why not use it? For a script this short, act I should have ended around… maybe page 25 or so. Where’s your end-of-act I event? The big moment that propels us into act II? You can’t just have people standing around talking for an entire script!
Page 40: More sexual tension jokes. The humor does not work in this script at all.
Page 40: I’ve noticed you keep using the word “yap” in your dialogue. I’m assuming you’re shooting for “yep,” unless the characters have some sort of strange accents.
Page 43: I’m at the halfway point of the script, and still, virtually nothing has happened. Just a lot of talk.
Page 47: You’ve labeled this as a sci-fi suspense thriller, but you keep forcing the really unfunny jokes. Aside from cleaning up the myriad of editing errors, you might consider dropping the humor and focusing more on the story.
Page 55: Only 30 pages to go and the only event has been with the protestors. Essentially, there is still really nothing happening. I only see people talking about the potential for things to happen.
That's where I stopped taking notes. Even though I clearly think the script needs a major rewrite, I want to thank you again for the chance to read it.
< Previous | Page: 1 | Next >
In screenplays, the most important thing is the idea. Your concept that one world's actions may have devastating effects on other parallel worlds is a very interesting one and could be developed into a fine screenplay.
I know you are aware that you will need to work on correcting grammar errors as your drafts continue. I agree with your last reviewer that a professional reader will not tolerate errors for long, but unlike that reviewer I feel just a mention is adequate. Personally, I think it a good idea for a reviewer to receive several reviews before attempting to give their own.
As many of us do, you could consider having the grammar checked by someone proficient in grammar. I will say though that as I mentioned in my past reviews, you're not using contractions does make the dialogue seem much too proper. It should sound the way you would normally speak.
Example - "I will see you later," would be better used as "I'll see you later."
Your concept, if left open for others to contribute or even add their own versions, could be a good direction to go.
Good luck
Anthony Ingoglioa