All Reviews

I enjoyed this script :) The characterisations are strong, I especially liked Coughin' Bob, close attention was paid to the way the character spoke despite them being a minor element. Cass has a character evolution throughout and everyone generally acts consistently. The star ratings show I've liked the script, so while everything below is hopefully constructive criticism, it shouldn't be inferred that I didn't like it :)

General notes:
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There is a big Chekov's gun setup at the start, in the most expensive scene of the film, where Cass predicts the massive earthquake. This isn't really used or referred to again, a real missed opportunity. It could seriously reinforce Cass's decision to take the fight back to Eris on page 77, as she knows how much devastation the next test will (inadvertantly I presume?) cause. She has to stop it to save everyone in the city. You can flash back to the scenes of destruction to make more use of the expensive shots, and Cass can use it as a convincing argument to Marty, pushing him to trust her word on the matter and risk his life for her.

Sam disappears from the film on page 48, less than an hour in. I've made a suggestion based around this anomaly in the page notes below.

The motivation for Eris is a bit weak. Why are these people so evil and doing what they do? You can make lots of money being a normal weapons manufacturer, so why chance this? Mr Black is utterly one dimensional, a cliche. Does he have personal reasons to perfect this technology? Maybe he thinks it'll help intercept suicide bombers or screen for them or something?

And why develop the earthquake technology? What's the target market/effect? Cass's initial seizure dream seemed like a prediction of a test going horribly wrong, is this the case? Do the people involved at Eris understand these risks and yet are pushing ahead anyway? You could beef up Mr Black and Dr Green bigtime by having some discussion around these matters.

Page notes:
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P42 - I don't know what military application the chap is referring to here as so far it's been a hospital-inducing siezure and a couple of strange lucid dreams :) No remote viewing or mind reading or anything, so it's hard to infer a military application worth all the risks of a massively illegal kidnapping and torturing ring.

P45 - Typo - "Bob Fett" should be "Boba Fett"

P48 - It doesn't seem in keeping with her relationship with her mother to put her down as the emergency contact. She obviously hasn't spoken to her for a long time and also, she lives a long distance away, so wouldn't be much use in an emergency anyway. This stands out as a contrivance just to get Sam to Cass.

P75 - Mr Black says "I’m making recapturing her our top priority." and 6 lines of dialogue later "We’re not recapturing her.". Pick a lane, Mr Black :)

P76 - The Mr Black dialogue just screams out to me to be replaced with a simple "Power is nothing without control" statement :)

P81 - This seems to me to be an ideal spot for a simple but powerful bonding moment between the sister and brother. A point of no return, risking it all moment. It just needs a pause, and then perhaps something simple like Cass saying "Thank you" to Marty.

P84 to P86 - There is a lot I don't get on with in this scene. The whole thing seems much more like a surprise attack and doesn't gel with Dr Green advising extra security (and Mr Black agreeing), and Dr Green surmising that she'll be back specifically because of the seismic induction testing. It seem odd they wouldn't have units on standby or guarding the most sensitive areas already - the seismic generator and the power plant.
If they have blindsided Mr Black and the security forces, it should be made much more clear that's what's occured.

Also, the security guard is very slow in calling for "backup", and I don't think he'd say "backup" as it's more of a deployment than a reinforcement. Cass and Marty get to the point where they are rigging explosives in full view of the guard before he contacts security.

P87 - The dialogue for military personnel is unconvincing in this scene. They wouldn't be asking "what's in your hand", they'd be screaming at her to not move, get down, drop whatever she had or get shot - that sort of thing. Also, this behaviour doesn't really match up with Mr Black's termination order. They could have dropped them both many times over by now.

The dialogue around the phone is unneccessary anyway, a simple closeup of her hitting Send on the phone would link the action to the detonation, especially with some simple setup shots earlier of her rigging another phone to the explosive charges.

P92 Typo - "her" instead of "he"

P94 - By now Cass's ribcage has taken a serious kicking. It might be a sign of her future character to ransack Dr Green's corpse and find some painkiller about his person, and stick it in herself so she can carry on. Otherwise she's gone all action hero on us and is running around with fractured ribs. Breathing hurts under those circumstances, never mind a fracture :)

P99 - Cass's dialogue that starts "From time to time..." seems unconvincing to me. Less would be more I think, she'd be more interested in "There are others like me?!" - it's quite the revelation and personal to her, so she'd latch onto that and react to it rather than reiterate what the Doctor said.

P100 - I like this scene, but I think it could do with a couple more things to complete the protagonists' journey. One, she should be armed in some way. Harder, more dangerous. It'd be a good nod to show the swiss army knife she took her first life with, perhaps her making sure it's in a hip pouch on her belt. Maybe a small concealed firearm, maybe not.

The other thing I think it's missing is a sign that she's got responsibility now, taking us back to her "Ambition is overrated. No stress, no commitments, that’s what I say." attitude at the start and how far she's moved on - more "protagonist journey" completion. As Sam disappears off the face of the planet after the second act, showing Cass leaving him both for betraying him and because she's outgrown him would be a powerful character evolution.

I can see why this is on the Consider slate. The writing is professional-level and the story zips right along. There are a series of engaging dramatic questions, rising stakes, and exciting action sequences. Characters are well drawn, and the dialogue is solid.

So what’s not to like?

The main problem I have here is that the basic premise and story elements – the secret evil government lab, the person with special powers due to a secret experiment, the super weapon, the escape from the lab – are so tired and so familiar. And I didn’t feel like this version offered a fresh take on these tropes.

On the other hand, movies recycling these elements keep getting made over and over… ‘

Also, I found the “rules” of the receiver technology unclear, as detailed below.

If I had to guess, I’d say that the strong writing was what got this on the Consider list, and that the tired premise is what’s keeping it off the Development slate.

Specific comments:

Pg. 1. Consider adding a super telling us this is 20 years later. And/or maybe indicate a cut right from Cass’s 6-year-old face to her 26-year-old face to tell us this is the same person.

Also, I like that you start with the dramatic questions right on page one: who are these guys and what’s the “profile” that Cass matches? You have more dramatic questions on pgs. 7, 9, 14, 17-18, 23, etc. and these all set up suspense and pay off nicely.

3. The ketchup “drools” all over the counter. One of many example of strong and vivid writing.

7. I felt like the first 7 pages spent too much time setting the scene. I think you could cut right from the funeral to Cass working as a waitress on pg 7 and reacting to the earthquake.

9. Nice image on the El. The following scene is expensive, but (except for the big explosion near the end) the rest of this could be done on a modest budget.

18. I’d like to see those commandos show up by pg. 10-12.

25. Cass says the commandos “said they were” police, but they don’t actually say anything to her.

26-27. This felt like exposition on a plate.

28. Typo “jsut.”

31. This is starting to feel overly familiar. Every crazy paranoid person in the movies always has walls covered with scribblings like this.

39. I wondered how Sam would know to find Cass’s mom, but you explain that well a little later.

45-46. I liked the nerd negotiation. This was fun and fresh and I’d like to see more scenes like this. However, I did wonder why Marty would have to “pay” so much for this information. Don’t conspiracy theorists love to share this stuff with everyone?

This also raises the issue of WHY Marty is living off the grid, and what he lives on in general.

48. I liked the betrayal by Sam. I didn’t see that coming.

53. An anesthetic is for pain, and doesn’t necessarily knock people out. There are drugs that dull pain but let people stay conscious. Might want to specify that any of those would interfere with Cass’s abilities.

58. I liked how Cass used her powers to escape… Except that this sudden boost in her powers comes out of nowhere. Before, “all” she could do is see the future. Now she can see through walls and “read” electrical systems. What triggered this? What are the “rules” for how her powers work? What limits does she face? (This is partially answered on pg. 99, but the explanation isn’t entirely satisfactory.)

Also, why didn’t the guard notice any of this? Seems like a lucky coincidence…

73-74. Maybe Cass and Marty could at least discuss notifying the police or some other authorities, rather than taking down the bad guys themselves? There are good reasons to dismiss this solution, but I think it should at least be raised.

Also, this raises the question of why there doesn’t seem to be any oversight over these guys making earthquakes on a government budget. Who are they planning to sic those earthquakes on?

75. Good raise-the-stakes moment.

78. Per above, Cass keeps getting more and more powers. Why? And what are her limits?

89. Good “all is lost” moment.

98. Gas station set is fun.

99. This explains where Cass got her new “powers” from, but it raises lots of questions about the “rules” of this technology.

In order for Cass to get exactly the info she needed exactly when she needs it, she’d need to be transmitting to Dr. White as well as receiving from him – unless the idea is that he downloaded everything he knows to her. And HE would have to have intimate knowledge of things like the wiring system of the Eris facility, which seems somewhat unlikely. It also feels like something of a let down – she’s only a recipient of information from someone else. So she’s basically his puppet, taking risks so he doesn’t have to. Maybe explore this angle?

Also, this all started with her “seeing” the future – except it appears that she changed the future. So she was seeing only one possible future? And what are the implications of that?

100-101: Obvious sequel set up makes this story lack closure and feel more like a series pilot than a feature.

I read the script and played it as a little movie in my head. This film would be excellent! The plot is interesting, the script is well written. It might have a few familiar elements here and there, but not where you feel it's overdone or unoriginal. This didn't give me the feeling of, "Oh, I've seen this before." But it's definitely got that "something" that will give movie-goers a lot to enjoy! If no one makes this, I'd say....opportunity missed.