Read your recent sitcom reviews and you seem to be a solid reader, so I thought I’d give your script a read first. Bear in mind I’ve never written a movie personally, but free thoughts are never free. You are very solid and taut in the writing, it’s not a genre that I have talent in but when it’s really zipping it feels like an Elmore Leonard thing. A farce disguised as a thriller. There are some things though that when I got to them they just felt out of place, your mileage as always may vary. The song choice of ‘Girl from Impanena’ (sp?) feels overdone to me. Marie as a whole feels flat to me, but it may be a necessary issue to use her as a tether to a reality that spins further and further off center. The Donkey Kong runner between Jim and James falls flat for me, something has to be there due to the payoff with the old phone later but there may be another choice for you. Mark’s VO on 104 feels too similar to ‘The Usual Suspects’ line to me and it feels too late to be a first homage. The start / beginning conclusion is good : I’m the good guy, the people chasing me are the bad guy is executed well, the final conclusion gets a bit harried, I feel like you really want that final moment to be this emotional payoff towards his enduring love towards Marie, but I don’t feel like that was foreshadowed enough in their relationship, they seemed on too rough footing throughout, I feel like a note that just said ‘I tried’ would be more accurate. All things considered the bulk of the work is done on this. There is tinkering to do but could watch it in current form but I think there might be another gear yet to get to.
You are very solid and taut in the writing, it’s not a genre that I have talent in but when it’s really zipping it feels like an Elmore Leonard thing. A farce disguised as a thriller. There are some things though that when I got to them they just felt out of place, your mileage as always may vary. The song choice of ‘Girl from Impanena’ (sp?) feels overdone to me. Marie as a whole feels flat to me, but it may be a necessary issue to use her as a tether to a reality that spins further and further off center. The Donkey Kong runner between Jim and James falls flat for me, something has to be there due to the payoff with the old phone later but there may be another choice for you. Mark’s VO on 104 feels too similar to ‘The Usual Suspects’ line to me and it feels too late to be a first homage. The start / beginning conclusion is good : I’m the good guy, the people chasing me are the bad guy is executed well, the final conclusion gets a bit harried, I feel like you really want that final moment to be this emotional payoff towards his enduring love towards Marie, but I don’t feel like that was foreshadowed enough in their relationship, they seemed on too rough footing throughout, I feel like a note that just said ‘I tried’ would be more accurate.
All things considered the bulk of the work is done on this. There is tinkering to do but could watch it in current form but I think there might be another gear yet to get to.