All Reviews

Michael,

I think you've got a solid premise, and a cast of workable characters here. I like the mood of the script. In my mind I see it filmed in washed out colors or, perhaps slightly grainy. Anyway, the point is, you have managed to do that which screenwriter's are paid to do, you told your story visually.

The areas I would work on are your plot and your dialogue.

The plot seems to have some weak spots. It is hard to understand why Dani doesn't go to the police, especially after the threatening note. I also wanted to really know who The Zebra is and what organization he's working for. Why is the Zebra involved in a college frat ritual? If it were me, I would look for some way to tie the father's of the frat members to The Zebra. Also, I don't understand why you withhold the information about why Q has come to know so much about Dani until the end. This information would make it easier for Dani to trust Q and, therefore, not go to the police.

The dialogue is rough in some places and very good in others. An example of a place where it's rough is in the scenes between Dani and her counselor. I don't think you've worked out a clear voice for the counselor yet. A place where it's good is the first scene between Terence and Q.

If it were me, I would read back through all your description and take out anything which an audience can't see in a theatre. If Dani is imaging Q, then come up with a way for the camera to see what Dani imagines.


Good luck with this project,

Trevor

Pg.1 … in a world you could never know… This part of Dani's VO is slightly awkward.
Pg. 2 It seems that you’re leaving out articles as a style choice. I don’t really think it’s a problem, but it is distracting me here, at the beginning. Ex. “down busy street”.
Pg. 3 I would x the “This is impossible” from Dani’s line.
Up to this point, I think there are too many parentheticals. I like them myself, but the conventional wisdom is: don’t step on the actor’s toes. Yadda yadda. Just ask Jessica Alba what she thinks about writer’s!
The seduction of Dani needs a little work.
Pg. 7 The end of Jason’s line that begins “What is the difference…” doesn’t quite make sense.
Pg. 9 and I admit I’m intrigued.
Pg. 10 Nitpicking issue: I’m not sure but I think the regular police would have jurisdiction over a homicide.
Pg. 10 …but did you know this man? If Dani’s already given a statement, shouldn’t Purefoy know this.
Pg. 11 Given pg 10, how does Purefoy know Q is obsessed with Dani?
Pg. 14 “So mote it be…” Thought this was a typo, then it happened again. Is this a secret society thing?
Pg. 14 if you want the audience to know it’s one week later, I think you have to use SUPERIMPOSE.
Pg. 15 If I’m watching this I won’t know it’s Friday night. Find a way to create a Friday night mood.
Pg. 15 Q appears unnoticing of her… awkward construction.
Pg. 16 Did Q not kill Jason? Q says he IS a bad man.
Pg. 17 So he is dead.
Pg. 18 Dani is mesmerized by him. Dani thinks. Neither one of these shows up for the audience. I would cut back on these kinds of “actions”.
Pg. 19 I think Dani would react a little more strongly to the idea that Q is a contract killer. It’s not that she can’t go to the diner with him and talk to him, it’s just that she needs a better motivation.
Pg. 22 INT. MEETING ROOM- Day or Night?
Pg. 25 … dropping her binder and book. More like knocking out her binder and book.
Pg. 30 I don’t like the conversation between Dani and Carrie. It seems to me that she would be required to report Dani’s behavior to the police. That whole you can’t be a danger to yourself kind of thing.
Pg 31 Haven’t read the Critias. My favorite is the Gorgias. Although it’s hard to go wrong with old “broad shoulders”.
Pg. 32 …unnoticing of the two- awkward construction
Pg 32 …standing walking…
Pg 33 The scene cuts--- Just start this sentence with, Dani wanders…
Pg. 35 maître dis?
Pg 36 (he moves close (to) her
Pg. 39 Dani’s dialogue with Steve et al needs some work. She sounds like she’s getting into a bad situation for the same reason she got into a bad situation with Jason at the beginning, because he’s going to be a lawyer. Is she this much of a gold digger?
Pg. 40 I’m surprised that they are doing this to her in a restaurant. I’m also surprised that she is letting them.
Pg. 40 in a strange awe---awkward construction
Pg. 41 There’s the explanation for my surprise. The customers don’t want to get involved.
Pg. 44 The problem with Q’s plan is that it seems far more likely that Dani would call the police. Those guys were actively threatening her. There were witnesses to the threatening. The police would take her home. So, you have to find a way to sell this. If she’s going to walk alone after what has happened to her, you have to find a reason. Listening to Q, here, is not the rational thing to do. I don’t buy her explanation that they were “just making fun”. It could be me though.
Pg. 49 …folded relents…
Pg. 51 his the revolver
Pg. 53 This note is evidence. Why doesn’t she immediately take it to the police.
Pg. 56 Q faces his firmly---I don’t understand this.
Pg. 59 …in the girl’s dormitory lounge--- it’s in the slugline, you can cut it from the description-
Pg. 62 reporter 2’s line--- the bar owner, and then you give two different descriptions I think you forgot to cut one of them during a revision. I like the fact that the bar owner is covering for Q.
Pg 68. Whistles loud(ly)
I think I would just leave his name at Q, especially since she keeps calling him that.
Pg. 72 …looks on admiring of him---awkward construction
Pg. 82 do’t point at me
Pg 86 love is not for you--- I think this should be a VO
Pg. 91 dani and Q both acknowledge she should have called the cops. Dani’s explanation for why she doesn’t isn’t sufficient.
Pg. 110 How does the audience know she sees Q in her mind.
Pg. 110 Int a dark bedroom--- no day night
Pg. 113 this one is in 45 colt
Pg. 121 I don’t get some of the dialogue in the Bea and Dani scene.
Pg. 130 Q glances Dani

Definitely one of the more unique scripts I have come across on Amazon Studios. I love the bad-ass character of Q! The story is solid with some good twists and turns. Even at 120 pages, you managed to hold my interest. And I could could actually see this thing as a movie in my head, and a damn good one. I think this script has a lot of potential, and with some fine-tuning, you will have something really solid.

Although I like the story, I found it a bit hard to follow at times, with the numerous characters and long portions of dialogue. I think you withheld Q's involvment with the Fraternity and Jason a little too long. I understand what you wanted to accomplish with it, but it just seems like the reader should have been given the information a little sooner. I would also like to see the fraternity explained more, along with Zebra. Also, while much of the dialogue was very good and snappy, other scenes were a bit clunky. Dani's (particularly earlier in the script) made her seem a little ditzy at times. I also felt her VO at the beginning was awkward, although it did tie in nicely with the VO at the end.

The biggest thing I think you need to do is streamline everything. Try to cut some of the dialogue down to fewer words. There were many times when characters repeated questions and answers to eachother. Also cut down on the exclamation points in the dialogue, as many felt out of place.

And don't forget that when writing a script, you can't write about what the characters are feeling internally. It works for a novel, but not a screenplay. We have to SEE how they are feeling through their actions. And even then, be careful not to give too much actor direction in there, since we have to give the actors the freedom to do their thing. The description and action lines in the script were good, but again, some of it read like a novel. Streamlining it will make for a faster and more exciting read.

Overall, I really enjoyed what you have created here. It is unique and stylish and very memorable. I think if you are able to streamline everything from top to bottom, you will really have something special. Thanks for the enjoyable read and good luck!