All Reviews

The overall premise of this story is good, even though I am not really into love stories.

I marked the dialogue as fair, in that there were far too many what I would call incomplete comments.

I hate being critical of someone else's work, because I hate hurting other's feelings.

I rated this version as needing work because it does. I didn't mark every error I found down, but in the first six pages alone I found three

Page one - The last line
page four - Jake is talking should be (I am NOT like 25)
page six - Alisa is talking to Emma, not to Alisa

These are the things that will kill a screenplay when viewed by a producer

Don't give up. Your premise is good, the overall story structure is good, your characters are realtively good. Strengthen your dialogue. And the emotion is good.

Great idea to set a Romeo and Juliet romance in a contained thriller setting as a killer closes in on the inhabitants of an office building. The characters are well defined and the plot is reasonably structured. However the dialogue needs a lot of work as it is mostly nondescript. Look at this example:

NICK
So?
JAKE
What?
NICK
Oh c'mon. What happened with that
chick from your gym?

JAKE
Oh well.
NICK
You went out with her, right?

JAKE
Yeah. I just don't know.
NICK
Dude. She was hot.

JAKE
I know, I just didn't feel anything.
NICK
So?
JAKE
I'm like 25 anymore.
NICK
Yeah but you're divorced. You need to get out there again.
JAKE shakes his head.
JAKE
It needs to feel right. I can't
just spring someone on Molly who'll leave.
NICK
But you need some...you know.

JAKE
Alright, that's enough.
NICK
I've got a really hot neighbor. Let me give you her number.
JAKE
I'm really okay.

NICK
Damn, old people are boring.
JAKE
And young people are so delightful.

NICK
Thanks, boss man.


I would cut out these long dialogue sequences and focus on moving the action forward. The script needs to be rewritten without the passive voice in the scene descriptions. Also the character names do not need to be capitalized at every mention. Only capitalize the character names when they are first introduced and during dialogue sequences.

The story should start out with more action and a quick pace to get the audience hooked in the first ten pages. The ending works and the structure moves the story forward.

The idea has great potential for a big screen thriller. I would focus more on the thriller aspects and less on the melodrama.

Look forward to seeing a revised version.

You've got a very solid screenplay here. The script gets your attention right away and moves at a fast pace. The structure is very good, with the flashbacks intertwined at the right moments. Not only do I think this would make a good movie, but with the right marketing campaign, I think it could be a very successful one. Good job!

There are only a few minor problems: I think the scene where the police arrive at the building, only to leave without checking on things, is too unbelievable. It is the kind of plot point that would make audiences groan. And it can be easily fixed by having Jake and Emma not being able to make the call at that time. I also found a minor plot hole: You say the flashbacks took place a year ago, and yet you have Eric showing up to get his final paycheck during the shooting. Jake said he was gonna fire him a year ago, so having him collect his check one year later doesn't make sense. There was also a scene where you say the shooter aims at Jake and fires the gun, but when you come back to the present, the shooter has not fired at Jake. It kind of makes it a cheat, so I would change that too. There are some formatting problems, where you describe scenes too much like you would in a novel, as opposed to a screenplay. And don't forget to write things as "Emma walks" and not "Emma is walking."

In all, these are some pretty minor problems that could be easily fixed. Do a quick rewrite and you will have a script that has a great shot at winning the contests on here. Well done!

Hi, sorry for the delay. I thought this was over all pretty good. I like the pace and the fact that you built the story by showing the events that preceded them being trapped at work. My work here has been criticized for using back story to develop it but i like it. so cudos...lol I wont pick your work apart here but you might want to check the upload. The format is slightly askew. I liked the quirky little encounters between jake and emma, and i like the way u tried to build their relationship. the dialogue needs a little work be cause sometimes it didn't make much sense like here: ALISA
Alisa. So why're you here? You look
far too pretty to work in a place like this.
EMMA
It's my first day.
It would be apparent that alisa would know it's her first day.

In some scenes it was nearly entirely dialogue. so you might want to add a little action or trim the dialogue. I think the premise might be a bit cliche' you know, disgruntled employee decides to kill everybody in their place of work. I think there were holes in the story like. "Why didn't they do something like maybe bang on the window or break it to get the attention of the two police officers in the parking lot? and maybe I missed this but i went back looking for it. Why did Nick turn away the police? and why didn't they just "CALL THEM AGAIN, right away?" and then Alisha has a crush on Jake, she's over working because of it, her husbands leaving her because he thinks she having an affair, so she snaps and kills everybody, Jake blurts out he loves her and she dares him to prove it with a kiss or she'll kill him too.

I'm picking it apart aren't I? OH MY GOD I'M BECOMING ONE OF THEM...LOL :-)
Anyways, Good job best of luck here
-Will

While I found it hard to keep track of many of the sub characters, I found it to be an interesting read. With some more work this could turn out to be a great script. Just got lost in what the other characters jobs, looks, ages and so fourth were. It's always a good point to describe every character main or sub. Hope to read a revised version of this.

I believe what you have done here is a piece of Art, i had to read it twice just to make sure I captered everything the first time, not in a bad way but reading it just once didnt seem to be enough it was that good it called me back for more. I think there will come a day when I'm sitting at home watching tv and I'll hear your name, I'll think back to when I first heard it right here on Amazon Studios...Great work, The Author of "The Diary Of Destiny And The Siren's Mirror"Jeremy Emling

This is a touching drama about two co-workers, Jake and Emma, who through the course of events fall in love with one another. The script starts with an unknown killer terrifying and slaying workers in Jake and Emma's office. The two do what they can to survive.

In the midst of that the story goes on to explain how their lives intertwine. From the onset a believable chemistry between the two starts. The dialogue between Jake and Emma is playful and leads the reader to believe that something romantic is going to escalate between the two.

Both Jake and Emma are in relationships of sorts. Though Jake is divorced he is wary of relationships; Emma is engaged to a disengaged boyfriend, Will. The story successfully and believably places the characters into intimate moments where a romance does thrive. Problems arise though including the above mentioned office hold-up scene.

At times the office terror in which an unnamed surprise killer with a gun slays co-workers is out of sync with the romance between Jake and Emma. Possibly even melodramatic. However, it is well-written and not to mention well-paced enough to keep your attention.

The way Jake and Emma deal with their other relationships and find each other is the most interesting. I'd like to see more how the office crisis tests that relationship even to give the crisis more of streamline with the romance. Yes, the unnamed killer brings the crisis in sync with the main story line.

Format is an issue here! Elizabeth look up how to format better.

Other than that I think this can definitely be a sleeper hit with some A list actors taking on the lead roles.

Good Luck to You, Elizabeth

Michael Navarro

I agree with some of the other reviewers regarding the dialogue. At times it seemed a bit stiff and I'd think "people don't really talk that way" or "that doesn't make sense". I suggest just going back over and rereading, rereading, rereading the dialogue and cut out what doesn't work, or what isn't essential to the story. Read it out loud to yourself, or get someone to read it to you. I find that helps when I'm going over dialogue in my scripts.

The scene where the police turn up and get sent away, I think needs a bit more work. If they can hear the police conversation, Jake and Emma should be able to draw attention to themselves. There needs to be more of a reason why they don't. Why don't they throw something out the window? Why don't they call the police back right away? Most conference rooms have a phone in them, even if their mobiles don't work why can't they use a landline?

Those are the two biggest things I think you can work on. In saying all that though, I really enjoyed reading your script. I'm a huge fan of using flashbacks to tell a story and found the placement of them here to be perfect. Just as I was getting into a scene...*flashback*, LOVED it.

Great work and I hope it gets optioned for you.