7
out of
7
people found the following review helpful:
Condense it all to twenty pages, and build from there.
6
out of
6
people found the following review helpful:
LYBARGER St is not as scary (or happening) as I had hoped...
/begin random notes while reading
For a first draft SPEC screenplay, I would remove all of the “SCENE 1”, “DISSOLVE TO”, “camera shot” etc camera directions. Those all get added later for the shooting script.
Avoid long description paragraphs. You need to break these up. I would keep them to about 4 to 6 lines MAX. Break it up with some dialogue. Also, you don’t need to be too descriptive. Just give us a basic to get a mental image. If you don’t need it to drive the story, don’t include it. For example, in the opening scene, why do we need to know Mike was wearing a plaid shirt and blue jeans? Your description of Elizabeth is much better. Instead of telling us what she’s wearing, you give us a mental image of HER. Could have been an ex playboy playmate, yet homely at the same time is good. Let the wardrobe department worry about what she’s wearing.
Page 2: Elizabeth “So you[re] here…”
Page 3: “…he notices that it is dimly [l]it…”
Page 3: There is no way for you to SHOW that the other roommates left the door unlocked. Unless she states this to make it known, just describe that the door was unlocked. Maybe she just immediately turns the knob, Mike notices, and then inquires about it being unlocked. If the fact that there are roommates is significant, maybe she could say something about it.
Page 4: “For Elizabeth it is a bad memory.” Again, you need to SHOW this. Maybe a split-second flashback? Maybe she shutters in her demeanor? Maybe a slight change in her tone?
Without having read any further then page 4 so far, it seems as though Elizabeth had a bad experience here, if so, she needs not be so calm and smiley. Maybe a fake smile with fake enthusiasm. If she was rushing to get out of the garage, then she should be rushing to get out of that house in the first place.
Page 5: “Mike is silent as they turn the corner into the next room.” Is the next room the Television Room where Clint is? If so, try “Mike is silent as they turn the corner into the…” INT. TELEVISION ROOM – DAY
Page 6: “Clint…begins to [stare]…”
Page 8: you never gave Kristi a description.
There are too many pages of meaningless conversation. The conversation between Mike, Kristi, and Amanda need to be more meaningful. Use dialogue to teach us something other than where Mike is from. Some kind of look from one of them. Something shocking someone says. Something. Otherwise it’s just a 3 page boring conversation. Use your pages wisely.
I’m pausing to talk about the Hook. There isn’t one. In the first 10 to 15 pages you need a hook. Think of most movies you’ve seen. There’s always some kind of blockbuster scene that draws you in and makes you say, “I’m so glad I paid money to see this!” Think of the first 10 pages as not only something to interest your viewers, but to keep them (and hopefully a potential producer) interested. In the first 14 pages, the only interesting thing I read was Clint having some sort of hallucination and Elizabeth scared of the laundry room door in the garage. Other than that, it’s kind of boring. I know that Mike is from Minnesota, going to school, and needs a place to stay. He’s renting from Elizabeth a room in a house with about 4 others. Make these first 10 to 15 pages exciting and gripping.
End of page 13: that entire last paragraph needs to be properly formatted with scene headings. Or you need to make it a montage of sorts. The way you presented it is incorrect.
Page 14: split up the extremely LARGE paragraphs of description. Also, if you can’t SHOW it, don’t write it. For example, SHOW that Mike gets a weird feeling.
By page 26, there’s still NO ACTION. For ten pages you have a group of friends discussing about and then having dinner. Then finally on page 26 we see a glimpse of this mysterious being. In 26 pages, we’ve seen this being only 3 times. Think of it this way, would you be disappointed if you were already almost a half hour into a movie and all that’s happened is someone moving into a house and some friends having a dinner?
Page 41: Again you have these very LONG descriptive paragraphs that do nothing for your STORY. Why do you need to be so descriptive of getting glasses of water, boiling water, or brushing teeth?
FINALLY on page 42 there’s some action! Something grabbing Mike’s leg should have happened a lot earlier than 42 minutes into your movie.
From page 51 until page 65, it’s really much ado about nothing. There is just a lot of “Hi, how are you?” “I’m good. How about you?” “I’m good.” “Let’s eat” “Okay” “Yeah” “Thanks” “Bye” “Bye” None of your dialogue is telling a story. None of it is helping your plot. What IS the plot by the way? (more on that later)
Page 65: we first hear of someone referring to the house as haunted…and the best advice that’s given is “ignore it”. In the first few pages, Clint saw someone with a gun, and John says, “You’ll be fine”…..??? Really?
Finally on page 76 they actually DO something. Because this is their first mission, the would be considered your plot point. So basically, your first ACT is 76 pages long.
I was hoping it was going to get good…but up to page 86 and its died down again. More talking about this and that and nothing really about your plot or story.
Stops abruptly on page 91. ??? Is this the end?
/end random notes while reading
PREMISE: The premise is nothing new. People live in a house that might be haunted. You need to make it more interesting. Maybe Mike, the protagonist, discovers that the ghost of the girl is his sister and the killer lives there. But a haunted house is nothing new. You need to put a spin on it to make it worth watching. Without reading the story and based on the premise alone, “Mike and his roommates discover that they aren’t the only ones living in the house” doesn’t really grab me. Maybe the house could be a halfway house. Maybe a fraternity house. WHAT is haunting them? Why? You need to work on the premise.
STORY STRUCTURE: The whole screenplay needs work, but here is where you need the most work. You need three defined ACTS. You need a hook, plot points, a turning point, a climax, and an end. You didn’t really have a hook and it seemed like ACT II started on page 76 of a 91 page script. For 90+ pages, you need ACT II to start around page 20 and ACT III to start around page 65 or 70. There needs to be conflict. There is no conflict among your characters other than Kristi or Amanda (I can’t remember) breaking up with someone. No one is angry at anyone. They aren’t faced with any challenges. As such, the story suffers. What IS the story? We only learn a handful of times about a mysterious being holding a gun, some bones of a kid, and then a news article about a little girl. How does all this tie in? And where is the ending? Did you forget to include that? Is this a rough draft? If so, you need to tell us that. I was expecting a full screenplay.
Also, your descriptions are way too long. Page 14 had two paragraphs! If you leave it like this, no reviewer is going to promote this. You need to learn how screenplays are structured and how they are put together. Do an outline. Make an outline of each point and give it a reason. This is mostly just a bunch of random talking and wordy descriptions of getting drinks of water and brushing teeth and “Hi”, “hi”…”bye”, “bye”. Drive the story along…don’t let it just sit there and be stagnant.
CHARACTER: None of them have arcs. Elizabeth has the most emotion. She at least smiled and got scared. Mike just seemed to be walking around doing…stuff. We never really anything about Clint and why he is so tired. Kristi just seems to be hungry, tired, and following Mike around. Amanda went on a trip…what else? Chris is getting guitar lessons. What are all the characters for? What role do they play in the overall story? Are they all victims? Are they puppets to this mysterious person? Will they plot to kill or convert Mike to a puppet? What is the mysterious person’s role? What’s its motivation? Who is it? Why is there a dead little girl, a shadow, and a being holding a gun? Where is the conflict between the characters? Where is their motivation? What personal trials does Mike have to go through? What transition does he make? On that note, none of them really have a personality – other than they’re students.
DIALOGUE: boring. Sorry to be so blunt – but it was very boring just reading everyone give random speak. There’s too much of it. You can’t tell their personalities in the dialogue. The dialogue actually slows things down because they greet and thank each other so much. Precious space is wasted on too many Hi’s, Thank You’s, Bye’s, and What’s Up’s. Use the dialogue to tell us the story. Use it to form personalities. Use it to get emotion across. But it all has to drive the story.
EMOTION: there wasn’t really any. No conflict. No passion. The story lacks emotion too. I don’t really feel for anyone – not even the box of bones of the little girl. I can’t hate the mysterious being because the worst thing it does is point a gun at Clint and grab Mike’s leg. Other than that – it’s non-existent.
This needs a lot of work…like, back to the drawing board work. Come up with a gripping premise. Outline your story. And then work on a hook. THEN you’ll have the start of something. Get rid of the very lengthy, unneeded description paragraphs, and then work on your dialogue. Remember, it’s all about the story…not how well Mike can brush his teeth. Unless that’s your story.
Please don’t take offense to any of my comments. This is merely my opinion and someone else may have a different one. But if you read books like “Save The Cat”, you’ll understand that most of what I said is accurate. Best of luck!
For a first draft SPEC screenplay, I would remove all of the “SCENE 1”, “DISSOLVE TO”, “camera shot” etc camera directions. Those all get added later for the shooting script.
Avoid long description paragraphs. You need to break these up. I would keep them to about 4 to 6 lines MAX. Break it up with some dialogue. Also, you don’t need to be too descriptive. Just give us a basic to get a mental image. If you don’t need it to drive the story, don’t include it. For example, in the opening scene, why do we need to know Mike was wearing a plaid shirt and blue jeans? Your description of Elizabeth is much better. Instead of telling us what she’s wearing, you give us a mental image of HER. Could have been an ex playboy playmate, yet homely at the same time is good. Let the wardrobe department worry about what she’s wearing.
Page 2: Elizabeth “So you[re] here…”
Page 3: “…he notices that it is dimly [l]it…”
Page 3: There is no way for you to SHOW that the other roommates left the door unlocked. Unless she states this to make it known, just describe that the door was unlocked. Maybe she just immediately turns the knob, Mike notices, and then inquires about it being unlocked. If the fact that there are roommates is significant, maybe she could say something about it.
Page 4: “For Elizabeth it is a bad memory.” Again, you need to SHOW this. Maybe a split-second flashback? Maybe she shutters in her demeanor? Maybe a slight change in her tone?
Without having read any further then page 4 so far, it seems as though Elizabeth had a bad experience here, if so, she needs not be so calm and smiley. Maybe a fake smile with fake enthusiasm. If she was rushing to get out of the garage, then she should be rushing to get out of that house in the first place.
Page 5: “Mike is silent as they turn the corner into the next room.” Is the next room the Television Room where Clint is? If so, try “Mike is silent as they turn the corner into the…” INT. TELEVISION ROOM – DAY
Page 6: “Clint…begins to [stare]…”
Page 8: you never gave Kristi a description.
There are too many pages of meaningless conversation. The conversation between Mike, Kristi, and Amanda need to be more meaningful. Use dialogue to teach us something other than where Mike is from. Some kind of look from one of them. Something shocking someone says. Something. Otherwise it’s just a 3 page boring conversation. Use your pages wisely.
I’m pausing to talk about the Hook. There isn’t one. In the first 10 to 15 pages you need a hook. Think of most movies you’ve seen. There’s always some kind of blockbuster scene that draws you in and makes you say, “I’m so glad I paid money to see this!” Think of the first 10 pages as not only something to interest your viewers, but to keep them (and hopefully a potential producer) interested. In the first 14 pages, the only interesting thing I read was Clint having some sort of hallucination and Elizabeth scared of the laundry room door in the garage. Other than that, it’s kind of boring. I know that Mike is from Minnesota, going to school, and needs a place to stay. He’s renting from Elizabeth a room in a house with about 4 others. Make these first 10 to 15 pages exciting and gripping.
End of page 13: that entire last paragraph needs to be properly formatted with scene headings. Or you need to make it a montage of sorts. The way you presented it is incorrect.
Page 14: split up the extremely LARGE paragraphs of description. Also, if you can’t SHOW it, don’t write it. For example, SHOW that Mike gets a weird feeling.
By page 26, there’s still NO ACTION. For ten pages you have a group of friends discussing about and then having dinner. Then finally on page 26 we see a glimpse of this mysterious being. In 26 pages, we’ve seen this being only 3 times. Think of it this way, would you be disappointed if you were already almost a half hour into a movie and all that’s happened is someone moving into a house and some friends having a dinner?
Page 41: Again you have these very LONG descriptive paragraphs that do nothing for your STORY. Why do you need to be so descriptive of getting glasses of water, boiling water, or brushing teeth?
FINALLY on page 42 there’s some action! Something grabbing Mike’s leg should have happened a lot earlier than 42 minutes into your movie.
From page 51 until page 65, it’s really much ado about nothing. There is just a lot of “Hi, how are you?” “I’m good. How about you?” “I’m good.” “Let’s eat” “Okay” “Yeah” “Thanks” “Bye” “Bye” None of your dialogue is telling a story. None of it is helping your plot. What IS the plot by the way? (more on that later)
Page 65: we first hear of someone referring to the house as haunted…and the best advice that’s given is “ignore it”. In the first few pages, Clint saw someone with a gun, and John says, “You’ll be fine”…..??? Really?
Finally on page 76 they actually DO something. Because this is their first mission, the would be considered your plot point. So basically, your first ACT is 76 pages long.
I was hoping it was going to get good…but up to page 86 and its died down again. More talking about this and that and nothing really about your plot or story.
Stops abruptly on page 91. ??? Is this the end?
/end random notes while reading
PREMISE: The premise is nothing new. People live in a house that might be haunted. You need to make it more interesting. Maybe Mike, the protagonist, discovers that the ghost of the girl is his sister and the killer lives there. But a haunted house is nothing new. You need to put a spin on it to make it worth watching. Without reading the story and based on the premise alone, “Mike and his roommates discover that they aren’t the only ones living in the house” doesn’t really grab me. Maybe the house could be a halfway house. Maybe a fraternity house. WHAT is haunting them? Why? You need to work on the premise.
STORY STRUCTURE: The whole screenplay needs work, but here is where you need the most work. You need three defined ACTS. You need a hook, plot points, a turning point, a climax, and an end. You didn’t really have a hook and it seemed like ACT II started on page 76 of a 91 page script. For 90+ pages, you need ACT II to start around page 20 and ACT III to start around page 65 or 70. There needs to be conflict. There is no conflict among your characters other than Kristi or Amanda (I can’t remember) breaking up with someone. No one is angry at anyone. They aren’t faced with any challenges. As such, the story suffers. What IS the story? We only learn a handful of times about a mysterious being holding a gun, some bones of a kid, and then a news article about a little girl. How does all this tie in? And where is the ending? Did you forget to include that? Is this a rough draft? If so, you need to tell us that. I was expecting a full screenplay.
Also, your descriptions are way too long. Page 14 had two paragraphs! If you leave it like this, no reviewer is going to promote this. You need to learn how screenplays are structured and how they are put together. Do an outline. Make an outline of each point and give it a reason. This is mostly just a bunch of random talking and wordy descriptions of getting drinks of water and brushing teeth and “Hi”, “hi”…”bye”, “bye”. Drive the story along…don’t let it just sit there and be stagnant.
CHARACTER: None of them have arcs. Elizabeth has the most emotion. She at least smiled and got scared. Mike just seemed to be walking around doing…stuff. We never really anything about Clint and why he is so tired. Kristi just seems to be hungry, tired, and following Mike around. Amanda went on a trip…what else? Chris is getting guitar lessons. What are all the characters for? What role do they play in the overall story? Are they all victims? Are they puppets to this mysterious person? Will they plot to kill or convert Mike to a puppet? What is the mysterious person’s role? What’s its motivation? Who is it? Why is there a dead little girl, a shadow, and a being holding a gun? Where is the conflict between the characters? Where is their motivation? What personal trials does Mike have to go through? What transition does he make? On that note, none of them really have a personality – other than they’re students.
DIALOGUE: boring. Sorry to be so blunt – but it was very boring just reading everyone give random speak. There’s too much of it. You can’t tell their personalities in the dialogue. The dialogue actually slows things down because they greet and thank each other so much. Precious space is wasted on too many Hi’s, Thank You’s, Bye’s, and What’s Up’s. Use the dialogue to tell us the story. Use it to form personalities. Use it to get emotion across. But it all has to drive the story.
EMOTION: there wasn’t really any. No conflict. No passion. The story lacks emotion too. I don’t really feel for anyone – not even the box of bones of the little girl. I can’t hate the mysterious being because the worst thing it does is point a gun at Clint and grab Mike’s leg. Other than that – it’s non-existent.
This needs a lot of work…like, back to the drawing board work. Come up with a gripping premise. Outline your story. And then work on a hook. THEN you’ll have the start of something. Get rid of the very lengthy, unneeded description paragraphs, and then work on your dialogue. Remember, it’s all about the story…not how well Mike can brush his teeth. Unless that’s your story.
Please don’t take offense to any of my comments. This is merely my opinion and someone else may have a different one. But if you read books like “Save The Cat”, you’ll understand that most of what I said is accurate. Best of luck!
4
out of
5
people found the following review helpful:
Gee Cristina... How childish to drop your review of my work from 5 stars to 1 star because you couldn't accept constructive advice from a Film Pro (ME) with 30+ years of film production experience???
Well, I was going to give this TWO Stars for effort, but seeing how this spoiled little girl has a big problem with being given any constructive criticism, ONE Star is being very generous.
It takes a certain type of personality to succeed in Hollywood; whether as an Actor or in any of the "below the line" capacities as a Crew Member working in Produciton... very few make it
The old joke is... Bob: "So, what do you do?" Tom: "I'm an Actor." Bob: "Oh really? What restaurant do you work at?"
With multiple tens of thousands of "wanna-be" ____________ (Fill in the Blank) coming to LA every year after year; all of them armed with their diplomas & degrees from Film Schools & Junior Colleges from Alaska to Florida... LA is now overflowing with countless young people desperately seeking an opportunity to get a job (any job) in production... BUT with such a staggering number of people here that have ZERO production experience, it has created a unique situation like never before...
Today many Producers (non-union) are exploiting this situation by using Interns... Meaning, taking in someone with little or NO experience and having them do "jobs" & non-film related task for NO pay in exchange for the "experience" that they can add to their resume.
But the caveat/catalyst for this kind of work is the willingness of the Intern/PA to swallow their Pride... and accept the fact that in spite of posting a dozen YouTubes; watching countless B&W films on TCM or starring in a production of South Pacific in their Jr College back home... they really haven't got a clue about what's involved in making a Film; TV Show or a Commercial.
Wanna-be Actors have the possibility of getting some "face time" on screen by working as an Extra... those non-descript people that populate the out-of-focus backgrounds in Film, TV & Commercials.
But it's not so easy for the tens of thousands of wanna-be Writers... and even far more difficult for the wanna-be "multi-hyphenate" (Writer-Director).
First off... The ladder for a Writer requires a ruthless dedication to reading & studying Scripts; No, I did not say studying Films... But Scripts... the carefully crafted Blueprint that outlines the making of a Film. Anyone serious about becoming a screenwriter had better start reading every script they can get their hands on to see & learn how it's done.... Because...
In the Disipline of the Writer's Craft... it is ESSENTIAL to Learn certain traditional and correct Formatting Rules that separate all the Amateurs & Dilitants from those who know... otherwise, the "less than Pro" Spec Script ends up in the Circular File (meaning the trash can).
Big Dreams & Blind Ambition alone will get the wanna-be (multi-hyphenate) nowhere... And Talent will not always open doors either. More often than not, Luck AND being in the right place at the right time are the keys to success.
"Lybarger Street" is clearly the first draft of a story by someone who really wants to write; but has not yet learned the professional techniques of this disciplined craft.
Scene numbers on a Spec script scream Amatuer (they're ONLY used on Shooting Scripts; once a Script has been broken down by the 1st AD (First Assistant Director) and PM (Production Manager).
And Scripts are NOT short stories punctuated by indented Charater & Dialogue slugs; nor have descriptions of things or information that can not be seen by or shown to the Audience.
In its present format, Lysbarger Street may have a good story buried in there somewhere... but until the Author makes the effort to read & study a bunch of Scripts & reads some books on Screenwriting... no matter how many dozen copies are sent out, this will only collect pink rejection slips until it is thoroughly reworked, edited & rewritten in the proper professional format.
Good Luck Cristine, and I really mean it... But consider this... If you can't take or accept constructive (meaning helpful) criticism or sound advice without taking it personally, you're going to be in for a very rude awakening...
It takes a certain type of personality to succeed in Hollywood; whether as an Actor or in any of the "below the line" capacities as a Crew Member working in Produciton... very few make it
The old joke is... Bob: "So, what do you do?" Tom: "I'm an Actor." Bob: "Oh really? What restaurant do you work at?"
With multiple tens of thousands of "wanna-be" ____________ (Fill in the Blank) coming to LA every year after year; all of them armed with their diplomas & degrees from Film Schools & Junior Colleges from Alaska to Florida... LA is now overflowing with countless young people desperately seeking an opportunity to get a job (any job) in production... BUT with such a staggering number of people here that have ZERO production experience, it has created a unique situation like never before...
Today many Producers (non-union) are exploiting this situation by using Interns... Meaning, taking in someone with little or NO experience and having them do "jobs" & non-film related task for NO pay in exchange for the "experience" that they can add to their resume.
But the caveat/catalyst for this kind of work is the willingness of the Intern/PA to swallow their Pride... and accept the fact that in spite of posting a dozen YouTubes; watching countless B&W films on TCM or starring in a production of South Pacific in their Jr College back home... they really haven't got a clue about what's involved in making a Film; TV Show or a Commercial.
Wanna-be Actors have the possibility of getting some "face time" on screen by working as an Extra... those non-descript people that populate the out-of-focus backgrounds in Film, TV & Commercials.
But it's not so easy for the tens of thousands of wanna-be Writers... and even far more difficult for the wanna-be "multi-hyphenate" (Writer-Director).
First off... The ladder for a Writer requires a ruthless dedication to reading & studying Scripts; No, I did not say studying Films... But Scripts... the carefully crafted Blueprint that outlines the making of a Film. Anyone serious about becoming a screenwriter had better start reading every script they can get their hands on to see & learn how it's done.... Because...
In the Disipline of the Writer's Craft... it is ESSENTIAL to Learn certain traditional and correct Formatting Rules that separate all the Amateurs & Dilitants from those who know... otherwise, the "less than Pro" Spec Script ends up in the Circular File (meaning the trash can).
Big Dreams & Blind Ambition alone will get the wanna-be (multi-hyphenate) nowhere... And Talent will not always open doors either. More often than not, Luck AND being in the right place at the right time are the keys to success.
"Lybarger Street" is clearly the first draft of a story by someone who really wants to write; but has not yet learned the professional techniques of this disciplined craft.
Scene numbers on a Spec script scream Amatuer (they're ONLY used on Shooting Scripts; once a Script has been broken down by the 1st AD (First Assistant Director) and PM (Production Manager).
And Scripts are NOT short stories punctuated by indented Charater & Dialogue slugs; nor have descriptions of things or information that can not be seen by or shown to the Audience.
In its present format, Lysbarger Street may have a good story buried in there somewhere... but until the Author makes the effort to read & study a bunch of Scripts & reads some books on Screenwriting... no matter how many dozen copies are sent out, this will only collect pink rejection slips until it is thoroughly reworked, edited & rewritten in the proper professional format.
Good Luck Cristine, and I really mean it... But consider this... If you can't take or accept constructive (meaning helpful) criticism or sound advice without taking it personally, you're going to be in for a very rude awakening...
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It's not enough to sustain reader interest, but you can build on it. My first recommendation - condense everything to twenty pages, because you almost have enough for a first act here. After you do this, try to think about subtext. Get rid of all the on-the-nose dialogue. You have only one scene with any real, identifiable subtext - the day after the night Kristi and Mike get drunk and almost have sex. The awkwardness in that scene felt real. Most of the rest of the scenes in the whole script feel like the mundane stuff of life that real people do when they're busy making other plans. Since we get no sense of those other plans from the script, we're left with the mundane.
A few technical observations. Try to avoid the passive voice, and reduce the emphasis on progressive. In the first case, this means try not to use the verb "is" and in the second, try to reduce the number of sentences that start with words that end in "ing". When first introducing characters capitalize their NAME (30) and put their age in brackets. Use only one additional sentence for character description. We don't need all the minutiae on what people do from moment to moment. Simpler, broader strokes would improve the flow of the script. As a general rule with any dialogue - enter late and leave early. We rarely need to hear anybody say hello or goodbye unless you want to bring out something dramatic in a first meeting, such as when a character meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time, for instance.
I think in reworking this script, and focusing on dialogue and subtext, you need to first give every character a goal and make sure these goals are all different, and figure out what stands in the way of each goal. With all the logistics out of the way, your (apparently) natural inclination to focus on this stuff can evolve toward more compelling story-telling. One more note - don't tell us what anyone is thinking. You can tell us what they're feeling, but only if we can visualize it.