All Reviews

Cool Script - my first I read on this site. I really enjoyed it, this has great potential. I think it can be fleshed out here and there, but overall it was a very enjoyable read - well done

The idea of a gang of criminals getting trapped in LA during the King Riots is a great start, but the script needs a fair amount of work.

First of all, there are a ton of typos and mistakes in the script. Have someone proof read your work.

Also, the dialogue is too direct and on the nose. Some of these characters seem like they are speaking their thoughts, rather than talking.

Flashbacks are a cheap story telling device. The next to last scene is just silly. We already know that Arron took the fall for Dillon, there is no reason for the flashback.

Lastly, the sluglines are a little confusing.
Rather than stating INT- Upscale Beach house.
use INT - Arron's house, and then describe it.

Arron is a great character and a terrific villain, but I was confused as to his role in the script. Is he the protag or is it Shaw? I found myself rooting for Arron at times. You give plenty of backstory for Arron and none for Shaw.

Shaw's role in the story is unfocused. Is he a front line cop? I dont buy that he's working narcotics and doing his own investigations on the side. Is he a detective? There is a clear protocol in the police hierarchy, and Shaw seems to be outside of it.
Also, during the riots, I'm fairly certain that all criminal investigations were put on the back burner. the ATF might continue to look for Dillon, but Shaw would have been recalled to headquarters. If they did continue to hunt Arron, I doubt that Shaw would be the one to walk up and make the arrest.

Dillon's death is totally not believable. A shotgun is not a high powered rifle. It's not going to pierce a bulletproof vest. If a pellet did manage to find the seam, he's not going to die instantly. It takes a while for people that are gutshot to die. You need to re-think your options here.

Finally, the ending was cheap and unrealistic. Are we expected to believe that while the entire world is falling apart, Arron decides to go surfing? Is he that disconnected from reality? And what exactly gives Shaw and the LAPD the idea that he would be surfing at that point in time? I seriously doubt that the LAPD would re-direct resources during the riots, and if someone was going to arrest Arron at that point, it would not be the LAPD.

It's a good idea, but it needs some work. Good luck.

test re

Congratulations on getting selected. I really enjoyed reading your script and was so hooked I read it straight through, not wanting to put it down. Reminded me of the Navy SEAL who was recently busted for smuggling and selling weapons in San Diego/Las Vegas only with the twist of placing during the time of the LA riots.

I agree with one of the other reviewers who said the characters could be more intertwined (in fact I felt this was going to happen during the reading, but it never did). I expected their weapons to show up or play some role in the way the LA riots were unfolding.

Perhaps Dillon could have been killed by a gang member who had bought one of the guns Dillon and his friends sold on the street, and that moment of realization by Aaron and others. Perhaps Dillon or Aaron could have a teenage son who was killed by one of the guns they sold to thugs. Bringing a realization that their rich yuppie life is DIRECTLY connected to what they do for a living, which they have compartmentalized as something separate.
Great movie.

First, I must congratulate you guys on making the development slate - well done.

Overall I enjoyed the read - plenty of nice licks and dialogue, you certainly can write.

My main concern being your use of 'flashbacks' - especially the first at the beginning I found totally unnecessary and took me out of the story before it had a chance to get going.

I also found it difficult to follow a protagonist - as it seemed split and quite unfocused at times.

I also felt that the final sequence and denouement needed more work in order to pay it off - for instance you could have incorporated more of the times as the riot did die down once Rodney King pleaded: "can't we all just get along".

Which If used - with irony - will add some much needed pathos and increase the sympathy for Aaron - which is sadly missing at the moment.

But as I say - I did enjoy the ride and I notice that it is marked as: 'with permission' which, if granted I will be pleased to 'show' you the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Either way, in closing I wish you all the best with your project moving forward -

Respectfully, Jim.

Extremely well-written. Sharp dialogue. Tense, visual action. I love the LA riots setting, especially the fact that it involves characters running guns. Here's my concern:

It's really hard for me to see the film getting made with Aaron as your protagonist. He's believable, I don't hate him, but it's hard to feel for him and relate when he's clearly reaped what he's sown. I would consider making Shaw more prominent in the story. Perhaps make Kyle Shaw's son? This script will become more and more interesting the more intertwined these characters' lives become. I see it evolving like 'Traffic' or 'Crash.' Aaron becomes one of a number of characters we're following so that if we don't relate to him, we'll certainly relate to one of the characters. I'd develop multiple storylines, each one featuring archetypal characters (the cop, the gun runner, Kyle the young innocent taken in by the lifestyle) with a different perspective on the city in flames all around them.

I docked you a star on 'structure' simply because it seemed to take a long time for the heat to get turned up. The script's halfway over before the adrenaline starts pumping. And the hesitation on 'character' only comes from the fact that I think you're putting all your chips on the wrong guy (it has nothing to do with inept characertizations which are acually quite good).

Congratulations on your option!