2
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2
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The Creeps Next Door (New Title)
2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Review of The Mysteries of Surreptitious Forest
The Mysteries of Surreptitious Forest
I like the setting you are trying to develop; an environmentally-friendly city being in conflict with a mysterious forest. A stark contrast provides ample opportunity for conflict. Little details, like the elevator in the house and the father’s iPad-like device at the breakfast table give little hints at what this new world is like.
Another one of your strengths is a gift for describing things in great detail. It is a challenge to create a picture of such an environment. At times, your description goes into a bit too much detail; using five words when one will work. Brevity is key. But still, that is a good problem to have, as opposed to the writing being lifeless and stilted. Up until the end of the screenplay (where I started to have a hard time keeping track of all the characters and where they were in each scene), a lot of the description reads well.
Most of the issues I have with this script revolve around one central problem: I didn’t understand what the story is.
I will try my best to elaborate; hopefully my thoughts come out clearly enough!
Two main problems with this script:
The first is that very little of the action takes place in the forest itself. We go long periods of time with the four main characters talking about the story in very static settings, i.e. the girls’ house or the library. They talk a lot about what may/may not be going on in the woods, but we see very little of it actually happening.
Another issue I have is that the antagonist, (the Tall Man) isn’t introduced to us until page 99, if I remember correctly. He is shown in the shadows in the first few pages, but then disappears. He isn’t really a credible antagonist because I never see him, and don’t really know who or what is the opposition to the kids.
He should have more of a menacing aura. Introducing new characters in the third act throws me off. This is also the case with Iris; she is brought up by Mrs. Creeps towards the end of Act Two (through exposition, instead of visually), and then just appears at the end, and quickly explains her role in the whole situation. Everything is summed up in the end by characters I am just meeting for the first time.
Other issues:
The four main characters banter back and forth quite a bit, and it becomes redundant after a while. The parents are not characters at all; all four seem indistinguishable. I was also a little confused with the arrangement between Neon and Serena’s parents; they have different last names. Are they divorced or something? Some of the names threw me off a bit.
The connection of a great cataclysmic war is referenced throughout, but it doesn’t show us how this affects the story. The end of the story shows us that the disappearance of multiple children is the result of a child labor ring, which doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the other problems hinted at throughout the script. Who is the flying “creature” that looks like a half-man, half-bird? Is it Mrs. Creeps, like the kids originally thought? I was a little confused about that.
In terms of language, there are some grammatical errors throughout. There aren’t so many that they are a distraction, but it would be wise to clean them up.
A good deal of time is devoted to the children talking about creating a board game for the Halloween party. To me, that story is much less interesting than what’s going on with the potential murder in the forest.
A note about the technology in the script: at times it seems very inconsistent. The father has a tablet to read the news, and there are cable busses for environmentally-friendly transportation. But other times, the technology is way behind; cell phones still don’t work. And children still check out newspapers in the library.
And lastly, the final scene. It seems to want to hint towards a sequel, a new adventure for these four characters to embark on, seemingly in the forest. But the disappearance of a child’s cat is not nearly as interesting a story as the disappearance of a little girl, as was the inciting incident in this story.
Overall, your strong writing style and the germ of the idea of an environmentally-friendly, futuristic town having a conflict with a supernatural force in the woods is an interesting idea. It brings to mind movies like The Goonies or Super 8, or novels like Dan Simmons’ Summer of Night. Children investigating supernatural events. With continued work, I am sure that this script can be great!
I like the setting you are trying to develop; an environmentally-friendly city being in conflict with a mysterious forest. A stark contrast provides ample opportunity for conflict. Little details, like the elevator in the house and the father’s iPad-like device at the breakfast table give little hints at what this new world is like.
Another one of your strengths is a gift for describing things in great detail. It is a challenge to create a picture of such an environment. At times, your description goes into a bit too much detail; using five words when one will work. Brevity is key. But still, that is a good problem to have, as opposed to the writing being lifeless and stilted. Up until the end of the screenplay (where I started to have a hard time keeping track of all the characters and where they were in each scene), a lot of the description reads well.
Most of the issues I have with this script revolve around one central problem: I didn’t understand what the story is.
I will try my best to elaborate; hopefully my thoughts come out clearly enough!
Two main problems with this script:
The first is that very little of the action takes place in the forest itself. We go long periods of time with the four main characters talking about the story in very static settings, i.e. the girls’ house or the library. They talk a lot about what may/may not be going on in the woods, but we see very little of it actually happening.
Another issue I have is that the antagonist, (the Tall Man) isn’t introduced to us until page 99, if I remember correctly. He is shown in the shadows in the first few pages, but then disappears. He isn’t really a credible antagonist because I never see him, and don’t really know who or what is the opposition to the kids.
He should have more of a menacing aura. Introducing new characters in the third act throws me off. This is also the case with Iris; she is brought up by Mrs. Creeps towards the end of Act Two (through exposition, instead of visually), and then just appears at the end, and quickly explains her role in the whole situation. Everything is summed up in the end by characters I am just meeting for the first time.
Other issues:
The four main characters banter back and forth quite a bit, and it becomes redundant after a while. The parents are not characters at all; all four seem indistinguishable. I was also a little confused with the arrangement between Neon and Serena’s parents; they have different last names. Are they divorced or something? Some of the names threw me off a bit.
The connection of a great cataclysmic war is referenced throughout, but it doesn’t show us how this affects the story. The end of the story shows us that the disappearance of multiple children is the result of a child labor ring, which doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the other problems hinted at throughout the script. Who is the flying “creature” that looks like a half-man, half-bird? Is it Mrs. Creeps, like the kids originally thought? I was a little confused about that.
In terms of language, there are some grammatical errors throughout. There aren’t so many that they are a distraction, but it would be wise to clean them up.
A good deal of time is devoted to the children talking about creating a board game for the Halloween party. To me, that story is much less interesting than what’s going on with the potential murder in the forest.
A note about the technology in the script: at times it seems very inconsistent. The father has a tablet to read the news, and there are cable busses for environmentally-friendly transportation. But other times, the technology is way behind; cell phones still don’t work. And children still check out newspapers in the library.
And lastly, the final scene. It seems to want to hint towards a sequel, a new adventure for these four characters to embark on, seemingly in the forest. But the disappearance of a child’s cat is not nearly as interesting a story as the disappearance of a little girl, as was the inciting incident in this story.
Overall, your strong writing style and the germ of the idea of an environmentally-friendly, futuristic town having a conflict with a supernatural force in the woods is an interesting idea. It brings to mind movies like The Goonies or Super 8, or novels like Dan Simmons’ Summer of Night. Children investigating supernatural events. With continued work, I am sure that this script can be great!
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Halloween costumes bring visual interest. The songs add to the mood. These changes could make the script more commercial, especially toward a lower budget film.
Going this route, you should make the story clearly contemporary. Don't have expensive gondolas for a company to construct. Lose all references to World War V (five). The time period was never clarified.
Lose the kid drawing a circle from the runny nose. This is gross, and needlessly detracts to a lower level.
Using different last names for the mother and father in both sets of parents should go. It makes it sound like they're half-sisters/brother, born from previous marriages. Don't make readers keep up with names that don't matter. They won't like it. One last name per family is the norm--unless it's supposed to be a blended family.
Dialogue is usually good, but sometimes over-written, sounding stagey. You can shave off a lot of talk by simply showing them entering and leaving places. You don't need all that about the librarian. Just show the library, them walking, then the microfilm area. The mother getting the berries there could be skipped, as well. The kids are old enough to come and go home on their own.
"Enter each scene late, leave early" is an old saw that still works well. Cut hellos, goodbyes, etc. Start with them already at the breakfast table or in the woods.
Better to use slug line INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE than FADE IN.
It seems that being told it's their missing daughter spills the beans too early. This would be more surprising at the end. This would explain the woman's weird behavior came from her grief. If you have their name Creeps, it sounds like a writer's device. When Iris CREEPS is said, it sounds more funny than the drama you need here in reveal.
The missing children should be of mixed ethnic groups.
Since you call it Elbon City, why not also use Elbon Forest? Surreptitious has such a silly sound.
In order to show more how the experience changed the characters, you could emphasize that Violet first resents Luna's babyish ways, then cheers her rise to the rescue. When Neon gives Serena a kiss, she could respond by hugging him, instead of squirming away as before.
As you continue polishing, it makes a good non-slasher film for Halloween, which younger kids can enjoy.
Sales always depend on what producers are looking for at a given time. They'll redo it their own way, anyhow. Just present it as clean and tight as you can.
Best of luck!