Technical stuff: The page border seems to be set at 1.5 inches with the Action and Slug paragraphs set to an additional 1.5 inches. Action and Slug paragraphs should start where the present page border is set. I like to set my templates to have one inch page borders with the Action and Slug paragraphs set an additional half inch from the left side page border.
Slug lines should be like: EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY
Notice the double space after EXT. Notice the space - space before DAY.
Character names should be centered above their dialog.
Slug lines should be on the same page as the first action paragraph in a scene. Action paragraphs should stay together and not be split across pages. There are good templates for Windows and for Open Office (free) that automatically do that for you. They also control page margins. You can download them from http://scripts.orkparts.com/format.html Download links are at the bottom of the page.
Most directors like short action paragraphs. Rule of thumb; maximum of two and a half lines of text. Remember, you are writing to the director and actors. The audience can not see the script, so colorful setups never get to the audience.
Page 3: Sentence seems a bit awkward. "JOHN’S FATHER WALKS out of the room, for a bit to, so JOHN can have time to get up."
Page 6: I notice a lot of this kind of motivational stuff that may be useful for the actor to know, but how can I film what is in John's head? "His father’s voice still in his head."
Page 7: We should stick to present tense and active voice. Here is progressive tense and passive voice. Also, ALL CAPS should be used sparingly. "JOHN’S DAD IS FALLING A SLEEP LISTENING TO AN OLD FRANK SINATRA RECORD;"
Action paragraphs can follow each other in a scene. No need for a new scene (SLUG LINE) unless there is a change in actors, location, or time.
Page 14: Maybe HEAVES "THE NUN COMES THROUGH the door; JOHN FINDS A TRASH CAN & DRY HEATHS."
Page 15: Contraction of sit is? "She sit’s the slacks down & looks in the closet, for the rest."
Also, how do I film what it is that she looks for in the closet?
Page 16: How do I show this on film? "PASTOR GETS A HEADACHE FROM ALL THE EXCITEMENT."
Page 33: Maybe feeling his way around? "Vincent uses the stick and pretends he’s blind, filling his way around."
Page 39: I notice that page numbers sometimes appear at the bottom of pages instead of in the header at the top of pages. A good template would fix that.
Page 40: How do I know John gets a headache? Action paragraphs should give the actor some clue about how to show this, even though the actor may ad-lib.
Page 46: Maybe THEY'RE instead of THEIR? "THE NEXT MORNING THEIR AT THE CORNER across the street from a chapel."
Page 55: Bow guards? I haven't heard that before. "The beat up goon bow guards through the isles past the hookers, and HE REALLY GETS DOWN DOING A SPIN MOVE."
I just skimmed on to the end. There is lots of slap-stick comedy that will be better realized when the technical problems are fixed. All through the script, Action depicts things that can not be filmed.
All in all, I liked the story. Good slapstick comedy with plenty of room for Hollywood hot chicks as extras.
Second Draft
Technical stuff:
The page border seems to be set at 1.5 inches with the Action and Slug paragraphs set to an additional 1.5 inches. Action and Slug paragraphs should start where the present page border is set. I like to set my templates to have one inch page borders with the Action and Slug paragraphs set an additional half inch from the left side page border.
Slug lines should be like:
EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY
Notice the double space after EXT. Notice the space - space before DAY.
Character names should be centered above their dialog.
Slug lines should be on the same page as the first action paragraph in a scene. Action paragraphs should stay together and not be split across pages. There are good templates for Windows and for Open Office (free) that automatically do that for you. They also control page margins. You can download them from
http://scripts.orkparts.com/format.html
Download links are at the bottom of the page.
Most directors like short action paragraphs. Rule of thumb; maximum of two and a half lines of text. Remember, you are writing to the director and actors. The audience can not see the script, so colorful setups never get to the audience.
Page 3: Sentence seems a bit awkward.
"JOHN’S FATHER WALKS out of the room, for a bit to, so JOHN can have time to get up."
Page 6: I notice a lot of this kind of motivational stuff that may be useful for the actor to know, but how can I film what is in John's head?
"His father’s voice still in his head."
Page 7: We should stick to present tense and active voice. Here is progressive tense and passive voice. Also, ALL CAPS should be used sparingly.
"JOHN’S DAD IS FALLING A SLEEP LISTENING TO AN OLD FRANK SINATRA RECORD;"
Action paragraphs can follow each other in a scene. No need for a new scene (SLUG LINE) unless there is a change in actors, location, or time.
Page 14: Maybe HEAVES
"THE NUN COMES THROUGH the door; JOHN FINDS A TRASH CAN & DRY HEATHS."
Page 15: Contraction of sit is?
"She sit’s the slacks down & looks in the closet, for the rest."
Also, how do I film what it is that she looks for in the closet?
Page 16: How do I show this on film?
"PASTOR GETS A HEADACHE FROM ALL THE EXCITEMENT."
Page 33: Maybe feeling his way around?
"Vincent uses the stick and pretends he’s blind, filling his way around."
Page 39: I notice that page numbers sometimes appear at the bottom of pages instead of in the header at the top of pages. A good template would fix that.
Page 40: How do I know John gets a headache? Action paragraphs should give the actor some clue about how to show this, even though the actor may ad-lib.
Page 46: Maybe THEY'RE instead of THEIR?
"THE NEXT MORNING THEIR AT THE CORNER across the street from a chapel."
Page 55: Bow guards? I haven't heard that before.
"The beat up goon bow guards through the isles past the hookers, and HE REALLY GETS DOWN DOING A SPIN MOVE."
I just skimmed on to the end. There is lots of slap-stick comedy that will be better realized when the technical problems are fixed. All through the script, Action depicts things that can not be filmed.
All in all, I liked the story. Good slapstick comedy with plenty of room for Hollywood hot chicks as extras.
Pages 102 through 111 are blank.