This script has an unusual and entirely original structure, dictated by its two-pronged premise. This weakens the story in some ways, but also gives the story its best feature: a surprising, third-act twist. This is why I have left your story's structure "unrated" in the star ratings above.
I say this unusual structure weakens the story because as I was reading, I was never quite sure whom to root for: the biochemist struggling to increase human longevity, or the time cops attempting to avert disasters before they happen. I found myself rooting for both, actually. The problem is, because you only have two hours in which to tell your story, neither of these lines is developed as well as it should be. And yet, when you bring the two lines together at the end with your twist, it’s quite satisfying.
You also take a great deal of time to demonstrate the science behind the time “travel” (or more correctly, sending messages back in time). I found this explanation quite clear, convincing, and interesting in its own right–but then, I’m a sucker for science. Unfortunately, your lengthy explanation means that entire scenes are given over to exposition–which is not a good thing. Although I if David Koepp (Jurassic Park) can get away with it then I suppose that you can, too.
In general, I would spend less time explaining how the time-messaging works, and more time showing us the consequences of it in your world.
I also enjoyed a lot of the banter between the time-cop scientists, and having them take the most serious job in the world so lightly was a nice bit of characterization (at least, it worked for me) even if it undercuts the suspense to some degree.
I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to recommend you do with this script. It isn’t quite working for me because of the two-part premise. The cutting back and forth between present and future means that it never gains the momentum that a thriller or any story of suspense needs. And while we’re told that the development of very long-lived human beings will have dire consequences for the human race, we never see or experience those consequences, so it’s all somewhat academic.
My first thought was that you should tell the story almost entirely from (past) Karl’s point of view to increase the level of suspense. But then, when the time-travel aspect of the story is introduced, I fear it will come off as being out of the blue and something of a cheat. That was certainly how I felt about Deja Vu, when halfway through the story it was revealed that not only can the researchers look back in time, they can also send objects back, too! Felt like a real cheat to me.
Also, I was a bit puzzled by the ending with regard to the problem of great longevity sending human civilization back into the dark ages. Did Karl find a way around this problem? Are we, the audience, supposed to consider this a triumph or a loss? Is Karl just confident that he will find away around the problems of overpopulation and resource exhaustion? Or was he so obsessed with his research that he just didn’t care about the consequences?
Also, being a scientist, would it not be reasonable for the time police to explain to Karl that his invention would end up doing more harm than good (much like Sarah Conner and Arnold going back in time to explain to the guy who was inventing Skynet in Terminator 2 that it was a bad idea? Okay, I guess they tried to kill him, first.)
In conclusion, I don’t feel this script is quite working, and yet I hesitate to recommend changes that would destroy its originality. Wish I could be more helpful. All I can say is, I think you'll have more success marketing this script in a place like the UK rather than Hollywood, where conventional formula is king!
Smaller things:
● The one part of your story I never bought was this notion that because of the intelligence or genotype of some people, they could think outside their current timeline, realizing that history had been changed. Just didn’t buy it.
● I find it hard to believe that the world’s most advanced DNA sequencer wouldn’t be booked 24/7, although I loved the scene of Chas dancing around Karl to sabotage the machine unseen. You definitely don’t want to lose that scene, which is among the script’s strongest.
● You only have to capitalize a character’s name within the action text the FIRST time it appears in the script, when you introduce the character.
● You have some really nice transitions between scenes.
I say this unusual structure weakens the story because as I was reading, I was never quite sure whom to root for: the biochemist struggling to increase human longevity, or the time cops attempting to avert disasters before they happen. I found myself rooting for both, actually. The problem is, because you only have two hours in which to tell your story, neither of these lines is developed as well as it should be. And yet, when you bring the two lines together at the end with your twist, it’s quite satisfying.
You also take a great deal of time to demonstrate the science behind the time “travel” (or more correctly, sending messages back in time). I found this explanation quite clear, convincing, and interesting in its own right–but then, I’m a sucker for science. Unfortunately, your lengthy explanation means that entire scenes are given over to exposition–which is not a good thing. Although I if David Koepp (Jurassic Park) can get away with it then I suppose that you can, too.
In general, I would spend less time explaining how the time-messaging works, and more time showing us the consequences of it in your world.
I also enjoyed a lot of the banter between the time-cop scientists, and having them take the most serious job in the world so lightly was a nice bit of characterization (at least, it worked for me) even if it undercuts the suspense to some degree.
I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to recommend you do with this script. It isn’t quite working for me because of the two-part premise. The cutting back and forth between present and future means that it never gains the momentum that a thriller or any story of suspense needs. And while we’re told that the development of very long-lived human beings will have dire consequences for the human race, we never see or experience those consequences, so it’s all somewhat academic.
My first thought was that you should tell the story almost entirely from (past) Karl’s point of view to increase the level of suspense. But then, when the time-travel aspect of the story is introduced, I fear it will come off as being out of the blue and something of a cheat. That was certainly how I felt about Deja Vu, when halfway through the story it was revealed that not only can the researchers look back in time, they can also send objects back, too! Felt like a real cheat to me.
Also, I was a bit puzzled by the ending with regard to the problem of great longevity sending human civilization back into the dark ages. Did Karl find a way around this problem? Are we, the audience, supposed to consider this a triumph or a loss? Is Karl just confident that he will find away around the problems of overpopulation and resource exhaustion? Or was he so obsessed with his research that he just didn’t care about the consequences?
Also, being a scientist, would it not be reasonable for the time police to explain to Karl that his invention would end up doing more harm than good (much like Sarah Conner and Arnold going back in time to explain to the guy who was inventing Skynet in Terminator 2 that it was a bad idea? Okay, I guess they tried to kill him, first.)
In conclusion, I don’t feel this script is quite working, and yet I hesitate to recommend changes that would destroy its originality. Wish I could be more helpful. All I can say is, I think you'll have more success marketing this script in a place like the UK rather than Hollywood, where conventional formula is king!
Smaller things:
● The one part of your story I never bought was this notion that because of the intelligence or genotype of some people, they could think outside their current timeline, realizing that history had been changed. Just didn’t buy it.
● I find it hard to believe that the world’s most advanced DNA sequencer wouldn’t be booked 24/7, although I loved the scene of Chas dancing around Karl to sabotage the machine unseen. You definitely don’t want to lose that scene, which is among the script’s strongest.
● You only have to capitalize a character’s name within the action text the FIRST time it appears in the script, when you introduce the character.
● You have some really nice transitions between scenes.
● For crying out loud, get some page numbers!