All Reviews

This is a very literary art film, the kind of drama that could garner award-winning performances and stunning visual effects. Some of the descriptive scenes are a bit overwritten, more in the style of a novel, with much attention paid to directing on the page.

The story has a unique perspective on life and death, faithfullness and infidelity. The San Francisco settings are beautifully done.

The toughest thing about a film like this is that the pacing tends to be rather slow and may not appeal to a wide popcorn eating audience.

The dialogue is on-the-nose and expository, especially in the first act where everybody seems to be explaining their situations and describing the relationship and what is going to happen next.

I would prefer a different, more Hollywood ending, where the moral premise reigns supreme. In other words, infidelity leads to despair, faithfulness leads to happiness. Of course, I'm not going to suggest that you rewrite the story for Hollywood, but it might be the reason you're here.

Ultimately, this could make a great cinematic presentation, along the lines of What Dreams May Come.

Bogdan,

The very best thing about this script is its mood. I couldn't help thinking this must have been inspired by The Fall of the House of Usher. (Correct me if I'm way off base.) You manage to construct and keep inflated a dark and threatening tone from the first to the last page. In this script, nothing is sacred, nothing is fully illuminated, even the cat is black.

The second best thing is the description. I agree with one of your other reviewers that, in places, it is too much like a novel. BUT, the scenes you describe are alive and dripping with menace. You have a knack for directing the readers gaze without being obtrusive with camera angles. I find that what you led me to was as often beautiful as it was terrible. And I loved the way you came up with unique places to begin your scenes.

Having complimented the description, let me also critique it. Some of your description paragraphs are run ons, and I think a fine toothed revision could fix that while also removing a few extra words.

The dialogue stutters a little. (The scene between Aunt DeeDee and Aryana when they discuss ordering the medicine, is the example I remember most clearly.) Overall, however, I think the dialogue rings true.

I was deeply invested in Aryana's character, and I was pulling for her "to win" until the very end, when she lost. The other main character (and I love this by the way), to me, is the house. I love it's characteristics; the disrepair, the leaky roof, the lack of electric, the blood spitting sink. All these things make the house a more than adequate antagonist.

Which brings us to the ending. I don't think you need to change it. What would life be like, ontologically speaking, if the protagonist always won.

Sorry about the times in the notes that follow, when I was only pointing out differences in usage from across the pond. I was going to delete them, but I thought they might give you a laugh,

Trevor

Pg. 1 Now you're telling me?! (I’m not sure what Aryana is referring to here.) ((I just got it. I think if you add an "about this" it might be clearer. Then again, maybe my mind is just muddy.))

Pg. 5 I don’t think you should use the transitions, cut to, fade to, etc.

Pg. 10 her side, and it (and he)

Pg. 10 the centrifugal power (I like centrifugal force rather than power)

Pg. 11 Where are you going with this not seeing the characters faces? I’m curious.

Pg. 11 Int. ARYANA'S eye – cONTINUOUS--- Now, that is a BRILLIANT scene location.

Pg. 12 I don’t understand the Doctor’s repeated line with the slight variation. I see you’re using it again later on with the echo parenthetical—perhaps, add it to the top of page 12 dialogue also?

Pg. 15 That's how you'll know. (The line is creepier without this.)

Pg. 15 Aryana sits-up (x the dash)

Pg. 16 One after another, slides of different houses shine on Aryana's face as they are being projected onto a wall. (I love the places you are choosing to tell your story from. It’s unusual and inventive.)

Pg. 17 Where’s the baby?

Pg. 18 while the visions of the loft as she knew it dissolves (dissolve)

Pg. 18 As the car drives by, the old man lowers his eyes in a sign of respect, and as if it was none of his business who are the people in the car. (This is a bit of an awkward construction. Also, a tad run on. Probably break the sentence at respect and then: It is as if it were none of his business who is in the car.) ((I hope you don’t mind the grammar stuff. Grammar is my personal kryptonite, but I try hard.))

Pg. 19 is just a blink thick (Easily, the best one word fog metaphor I’ve ever read.)

Pg. 19-20 Yes. You see, one strike means hello, good morning, or good night. Two strikes call me to their shore. Then we have danger, when one can strike the bell over and over again. We all respond, to make it known of help being on its way. (Almost all of this line is confusing.)

Pg. 20 The place is idyllic. (The previous description told me as much. I would x this.)

Pg. 22 engulfed in semi-obscurity (Obscurity doesn’t seem like the right word.) ((I see you use it again later. See next two notes on JK Rowling and the great divide.))

Pg. 23 but seems good enough. (x this)

Pg. 23 a second blow of wind (gust, unless it’s different in England, that whole Philosopher vs. Sorcerer thing)

Pg. 27 I see that blow is a Philospher’s thing. I’ll leave the previous comment. Maybe, you’ll get a laugh.

Pg. 28 They all stop from what they are (x the from)

Pg. 28 never want to leave here... (x the here?)

Pg. 29 That's how you'll know. (I had a feeling that Doctor’s line was going to keep showing up. It works here. See if you can fit it in more naturally earlier. )

Pg. 30 The big, shinny cities (shiny)

Pg. 30 Where’s the baby part deux? You got me hooked now.

Pg. 36 cross the waters until nightfall (the net draws tighter)

Pg. 42 Other paintings reveal part of the house behind the trees, a wooden table prepared for a picnic, while one last one continues the remaining of the house with it's dock by the lake. (I would make this two sentences also.)

Pg. 43 I love this puzzle room with the missing painting. (Any tighter with this net, and I won’t be able to breathe.)

Pg. 45 Worried about the prescription. It seems a straw man. When reading the description of the approach to the house, I didn’t get the feeling that it was so far out that, in a prescription emergency, you couldn’t travel to a pharmacy. I mean, where do all the old people get the meds for their rheumatoid issues. Maybe, I’m overthinking it though.

Pg. 46 her hand stretch out (stretched)

Pg. 46 then turning into the (turns)

Pg. 47 along an invisible (with)

Pg. 49 SOMETIMES LATER (x the s)

Pg. 55 Holding the bottle of Scotch (I thought Patrick meant Isopropyl ha!)

Pg. 60 That he's French! (never quite resolved that 100 years thing, eh?)

Pg. 62 What do you mean trespassed? (too much dialogue in between this and the line it references, I think)

Pg. 62-63 Game, set, and match on the prescription. I concede.

Pg. 66 is now an all (on)

Pg. 75 Where’s the baby part three.

Pg. 84 Aryana bursts in tears (into?)

Pg. 84 I though(t) you knew

Pg. 90 his head unconscious (rendering him?)

Pg. 91 they're all shot (shut

I thought this was good, What would make it better would be if Aryana survives at the end, and if the struggle is not just about her saving her soul, but her finding away to fight her way back to the land of the living, where she can be the one to raise her baby. Having the cheating husband raise the baby sucks. It seems like her husband paid no price for cheating on his wife, and he and his girlfriend will probably raise the baby while he has his wife out of the way, happy ending for him.