2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Very good scifi action script
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
High-Stakes Science Fiction Thriller with Disaster Movie elements
I’m a fan of science fiction and thrillers, but so many of the movies I see fail to pull me in because of their disregard for common sense and the laws of physics. I’m never fully involved in the movie because I never fully believe it.
Here, we have the opposite: a piece of science fiction that has been meticulously researched and (for the most part) obeys the laws of physics and, as a result, had me engrossed as soon as the trouble starts (about page 20). But even before then I was rooting for it because the writing is so good.
It also has a well-structured story and plenty of action. Part of it relies on a cliché, the bringing-in-the-crippled (or unfueled)-plane-for-a-landing climax. But there’s a reason some clichés exist—they work. And in my opinion, this is one of them. I love that Sharon lands the plane safely because of her brainwave of following the signal from a commercial radio station. It’s a solution nicely complicated by the broadcast tower being moved.
The one aspect of the plot that could use some improvement is the link between destroying the laser satellite and saving the flying aircraft. Once the three GPS satellites are taken out, the commercial air traffic network fails—which is all good. What I missed was a building of suspense with re-positioning a couple of GPS satellites to plug the hole and get GPS back on line with the ticking clock of destroying the killer satellite before they come into its range. I think it's all there, it just needs to be pushed to the forefront.
Of course, it's fine if their best efforts fail. They destroy the killer satellite, but not quite in time to save Sharon and her planeload of passengers. In other words, I think I would like to have the efforts of the shuttle crew save most of those planes in the air rather than Sharon showing them all the way home with her AM radio station trick. I think it would tie the two story lines together even more strongly than they are now.
What this script doesn’t have is original or particularly well-rounded characters or character arcs. However, the characters are distinctive and well-motivated enough that you can believe everything they do and distinguish one from another, which is all you really need in a techno-thriller like this. Good casting will give us all of the characterization the story requires. In that sense, I’d put it in a similar category to the Andromeda Strain or 2001: A Space Odyssey.
I also think it makes just enough of a point about the problem of U.S. military superiority and the military industrial complex without getting heavy handed about it. And the problem of being so dependent on one technology—GPS—is frightening.
I see this script has been recognized in plenty of contests (including one run by Amazon), but why it isn’t on Amazon’s development slate is somewhat baffling to me. There are many scripts on the slate with great potential, but almost all have serious flaws. Here’s one that’s pretty much there.
You want to get into the movie business? Why don’t you pry open your bulging wallets and shoot this one already?
Small Notes:
Okay, the Canadarm moves so slowly I doubt it could pitch anything as quickly as it appears to in this story, but I give you this one for dramatic license. I think it works.
Love the 2001 Reference “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Rod: “You mean one of ours?” I’m pretty sure all 24 GPS satellites are “ours.”
Here, we have the opposite: a piece of science fiction that has been meticulously researched and (for the most part) obeys the laws of physics and, as a result, had me engrossed as soon as the trouble starts (about page 20). But even before then I was rooting for it because the writing is so good.
It also has a well-structured story and plenty of action. Part of it relies on a cliché, the bringing-in-the-crippled (or unfueled)-plane-for-a-landing climax. But there’s a reason some clichés exist—they work. And in my opinion, this is one of them. I love that Sharon lands the plane safely because of her brainwave of following the signal from a commercial radio station. It’s a solution nicely complicated by the broadcast tower being moved.
The one aspect of the plot that could use some improvement is the link between destroying the laser satellite and saving the flying aircraft. Once the three GPS satellites are taken out, the commercial air traffic network fails—which is all good. What I missed was a building of suspense with re-positioning a couple of GPS satellites to plug the hole and get GPS back on line with the ticking clock of destroying the killer satellite before they come into its range. I think it's all there, it just needs to be pushed to the forefront.
Of course, it's fine if their best efforts fail. They destroy the killer satellite, but not quite in time to save Sharon and her planeload of passengers. In other words, I think I would like to have the efforts of the shuttle crew save most of those planes in the air rather than Sharon showing them all the way home with her AM radio station trick. I think it would tie the two story lines together even more strongly than they are now.
What this script doesn’t have is original or particularly well-rounded characters or character arcs. However, the characters are distinctive and well-motivated enough that you can believe everything they do and distinguish one from another, which is all you really need in a techno-thriller like this. Good casting will give us all of the characterization the story requires. In that sense, I’d put it in a similar category to the Andromeda Strain or 2001: A Space Odyssey.
I also think it makes just enough of a point about the problem of U.S. military superiority and the military industrial complex without getting heavy handed about it. And the problem of being so dependent on one technology—GPS—is frightening.
I see this script has been recognized in plenty of contests (including one run by Amazon), but why it isn’t on Amazon’s development slate is somewhat baffling to me. There are many scripts on the slate with great potential, but almost all have serious flaws. Here’s one that’s pretty much there.
You want to get into the movie business? Why don’t you pry open your bulging wallets and shoot this one already?
Small Notes:
Okay, the Canadarm moves so slowly I doubt it could pitch anything as quickly as it appears to in this story, but I give you this one for dramatic license. I think it works.
Love the 2001 Reference “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Rod: “You mean one of ours?” I’m pretty sure all 24 GPS satellites are “ours.”
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Who is the target audience?
Very nicely written! I didn't have any problems following along, especially since there's so much going on in this script. So I applaud you for keeping everything in line.
Admittedly, maybe there's a little too much going on? It almost feels like a History Channel reenactment of a historical (or future) event, which isn't a bad thing! But it made me wonder who the target audience of this film would be? We've got a love story, an FAA story, a political story, and a scifi story all wrapped into one.
I appreciate the scope of the story, but it was difficult for me to really latch onto any one thing. I think once its established who this film is targeted at, some of the elements could be paired back, giving more breathing room for other scenes.
Is it more for the older crowd? Then perhaps make the politics and FAA disaster story the core of the script? Maybe even Ben and the President could be the leads?
Is it more for the younger crowd? Then the scifi and love story could be the core?
Of course, this is just a suggestion. Right now, everything seems to be fairly evenly distributed, which had me not getting emotionally attached to any one thing.
As for these elements...
The Love Story: I gotta say I wasn't feeling it. I think this stems from the scene in the hotel room. The one place where David and Sharon should shine. Right now, it's pretty drab. David is so in love with Sharon, but he comes across more as a puppy wanting her attention than an air force pilot. And Sharon obviously has deep feelings for him. It seems to me he should draw some kind of emotional reaction out of her. Anger? Fear? Frustration? Something other than her just blowing him off could really liven their relationship up.
The FAA Story: I like how it's handled. How Ben has to solve all these problems and try to keep a level head about him. My only nitpick would be all the jargon. I can't imagine the research that went into writing this, but I must admit, what some of those guys were saying just flew over my head. I had no idea what they were trying to do exactly, but I figured it would work. Perhaps if there was a way to fit in some layman way to describe their actions?
The Political Story: If the Pakistani plane goes down its world war 3. As the story stands now, this sub plot needs to be stressed harder. Like, the President standing to her feet demanding that plane land safely. Like, Ben sweating his position because he's gonna have to make that plane a priority, which could mean the lives of other innocent people. Something to ramp up the tension. Right now, no one seems all too concerned. And even in that one scene with Ben on the phone with Sharon, he seemed rather stoic. I mean, if the killer satellite doesn't get us, world war 3 will!
The Scifi Story: My first nitpick is how a bunch of characters are all introduced in one great lump sum. This is the only part that made my brain hurt a little. I had to struggle to keep track of who was who. Maybe if there was some interaction with the individuals? Maybe they do something, say something...something to give the reader to chew on and let the character sink in, before moving to the next.
My second nitpick is that no great great sacrifices were made. The one death was an accident? Everyone else lives. It's kinda blah. There's great bits of action, well written and easy to follow, but not once did I feel the true pangs of desperation. Even at the end, where they just decide to sit and wait for death. And the scene with Canadarm wrestling. Scenes like that, especially in space, should get my heart racing, but things are resolved fairly easy. The more tension the better. And in my humble opinion, someone, maybe even two or three people, should die saving the day. But, that's just my opinion. I'm just like that.
All in all, I enjoyed the elements of the story, but as it stands now, too much of a good thing might be distracting the core of the story. Finding a focus might flesh out certain elements and give the story greater impact.
It is of course just the opinion of one guy, so take from it what you will.
Admittedly, maybe there's a little too much going on? It almost feels like a History Channel reenactment of a historical (or future) event, which isn't a bad thing! But it made me wonder who the target audience of this film would be? We've got a love story, an FAA story, a political story, and a scifi story all wrapped into one.
I appreciate the scope of the story, but it was difficult for me to really latch onto any one thing. I think once its established who this film is targeted at, some of the elements could be paired back, giving more breathing room for other scenes.
Is it more for the older crowd? Then perhaps make the politics and FAA disaster story the core of the script? Maybe even Ben and the President could be the leads?
Is it more for the younger crowd? Then the scifi and love story could be the core?
Of course, this is just a suggestion. Right now, everything seems to be fairly evenly distributed, which had me not getting emotionally attached to any one thing.
As for these elements...
The Love Story: I gotta say I wasn't feeling it. I think this stems from the scene in the hotel room. The one place where David and Sharon should shine. Right now, it's pretty drab. David is so in love with Sharon, but he comes across more as a puppy wanting her attention than an air force pilot. And Sharon obviously has deep feelings for him. It seems to me he should draw some kind of emotional reaction out of her. Anger? Fear? Frustration? Something other than her just blowing him off could really liven their relationship up.
The FAA Story: I like how it's handled. How Ben has to solve all these problems and try to keep a level head about him. My only nitpick would be all the jargon. I can't imagine the research that went into writing this, but I must admit, what some of those guys were saying just flew over my head. I had no idea what they were trying to do exactly, but I figured it would work. Perhaps if there was a way to fit in some layman way to describe their actions?
The Political Story: If the Pakistani plane goes down its world war 3. As the story stands now, this sub plot needs to be stressed harder. Like, the President standing to her feet demanding that plane land safely. Like, Ben sweating his position because he's gonna have to make that plane a priority, which could mean the lives of other innocent people. Something to ramp up the tension. Right now, no one seems all too concerned. And even in that one scene with Ben on the phone with Sharon, he seemed rather stoic. I mean, if the killer satellite doesn't get us, world war 3 will!
The Scifi Story: My first nitpick is how a bunch of characters are all introduced in one great lump sum. This is the only part that made my brain hurt a little. I had to struggle to keep track of who was who. Maybe if there was some interaction with the individuals? Maybe they do something, say something...something to give the reader to chew on and let the character sink in, before moving to the next.
My second nitpick is that no great great sacrifices were made. The one death was an accident? Everyone else lives. It's kinda blah. There's great bits of action, well written and easy to follow, but not once did I feel the true pangs of desperation. Even at the end, where they just decide to sit and wait for death. And the scene with Canadarm wrestling. Scenes like that, especially in space, should get my heart racing, but things are resolved fairly easy. The more tension the better. And in my humble opinion, someone, maybe even two or three people, should die saving the day. But, that's just my opinion. I'm just like that.
All in all, I enjoyed the elements of the story, but as it stands now, too much of a good thing might be distracting the core of the story. Finding a focus might flesh out certain elements and give the story greater impact.
It is of course just the opinion of one guy, so take from it what you will.
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General notes:
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I agree with David's review that the two story lines are a little disconnected at the end. If the heroic efforts of David (the character, not the reviewer ;) ) and the shuttle crew were interlinked with saving most of the aeroplanes in flight, then their sacrifices are not in vain. It's a tweak, not a flaw, but a good tweak nonetheless, and I've confidence in your writing to be able to weave that into the existing elements seamlessly.
The twist that Lucero didn't come back alive after all the effort expended trying to save him surprised me. It's a brave move to kill him off a good few pages after his heroic sacrifice attempt and all the efforts expended to recover him and save him. I think you could focus a bit more on this, rather than cutting away during the efforts to save him and back to the post-failure situation.
Having the scientist go loopy and start zatting the GPS satellites seems to me a little 'convenient'. If he's got a big powerful laser with pinpoint accuracy, why hit a satellite system that's primarily used for civilian purposes these days? Why not just carve up some military airbases or something. His reasoning for picking on GPS satellites is nonexistent, he just references Oppenheimer. GPS is a proven and established benefit to society, nuclear bombs not so much. I feel the "bad guy" motivation is somewhat contrived and his actions could do with firmer foundations.
I very much liked the setup with the Pakistan president. Not only did it increase tensions and up the stakes but suddenly it all became personal when Ben had to choose between him and his daughter. Brilliant :)
I also liked that Sharon and David didn't have a cliche'd 'estranged' relationship that was miraculously mended by surviving the crisis. They were already close and just needed a reminder that there were more important things in life than career progression.
Page specific notes:
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P22 - Regarding "one of ours?", there are about four Galileo Euro GPS sattelites in orbit now, so not all GPS sats are USA owned. They are kind of in beta test at the moment, but are designed to be compatible with USA GPS, so you may want to pass a nod to them to avoid invoking the wrath and ire of the nerdier europeans :D Also, there are 24 GPS sattelites in active service but 3 backups as well - no mention of trying to bring them online.
P104 - David should be gasping for air or at least breathing heavily at "Rod -- wait for me." to up the tension a bit :)
Also, David just sitting in the airlock seems a bit simple to me, it lacks heroism and dramatic tension. It's more of a "duh, why didn't I think of that" moment and deflates his heroic self-sacrificial offer of staying behind. I was thinking during the start of that scene that he was going to hold on to the outside of the Soyuz capsule and hitch a ride back, maybe swapping air supplies as he goes. You could have dramatic tension all the way as he holds his breath, fumbling with the air tank or whatever, hampered by the chunky suit gloves (as already demonstrated earlier with the wirecutters), desperately trying to get the air hooked up as he is towed along by the Soyuz back to the station. A near miss where he lets go of the tank and it drifts away, he frantically claws it back towards him, then a frustrating moment as he is going red in the face trying to hook up a connecter once, twice, three, FOUR times - you'd be in the audience going "COME ON FFS!" as we've all been there with some annoying zipper/plug/connection at some point in our lives :)