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Premise:
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Story structure:
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Character:
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Dialogue:
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2 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Good Vampire Story

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
Main1290119102._sx60_sy80_
New York, NY
December 12, 2010
The format is good in this draft, but you have some minor errors like line of action appearing between the dialogue (and it wasn't in paranthesis, like it should be)

MERCY
Good, and to be honest

MERCY looks at Laura
you're not really vampire. You both
are much more.

The below action really isn't action, it could have been said in the dialogue (which it was mentioned earlier).

EXT: SAFE HOUSE ROOF TOP

Father John talks to Laura about Mark needing to be Vampori

The goal of victory is in threat if Mark stays human

This one has action in a place where its hard to differentiate it between dialogue. I think these types of errors were likely caused when you converted to rft. Its something you can deal with by going over the script line by line.

FATHER JOHN
I'm sure
he takes a drink of beer

As for the Premise, its a good one. This would definitely make a good vampire movie. The two heroes are destined to defeat the Vampires and their leader, Turel (who seems to be the fallen Angel, Satan). I like the fact the Angels are in the script mostly as advisors, but they do enter the fray when needed.

Upon finding his wife is a vampire, I don't think Mark could kiss and make love to her. I think he'd more concerned about curing her, if possible. Which he is, later on in the story.
 

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