I've read many scripts in my lifetime from produced hollywood films to scripts from aspiring writers. I'm no expert, but in my opinion this script is a couple of drafts away from being great. The good far outweighed the bad in this script.
Premise: A very bold idea with a cult of evil fraternity brothers as villians could've come off silly, and truth be told felt silly at first, but then I settled into the type of world you created and went along with the characters on their adventure.
Story Structure: I felt as though the story flowed well. There was one scene that seemed to have no importance (EXT. CAMPUS page 21 & 22 with Candace and Dani), but you kept it short and it wasn't problematic.
Character: Q was a great character. A very appropriate character for this story. I enjoyed every moment he was on the page. Dani was pretty much as you say in the script a "damsel in distress" and nothing more. She only ceases to be so in the final moments of the climax, but there was nothing before to indicate that change. She didn't grow as a character. The supporting characters were very distinct. Each one having their own personality which made them easy to follow. Also, what happened to Purefoy? It was set up like the cops were after Q, even Dani had the dream of Purefoy gunning Q down, but then Purefoy never appeared again. It felt like he was a wasted character.
Dialogue: This is my only major grievance with this script. The dialogue seemed unnatural at many times throughout the script. The words were all there and you got your point across, but it just didn't feel like it's the way people talk. It was awkward. But that's what rewrites are for. I saw you posted a second draft of your script. I didn't read the second draft, but I did skim it and noticed that the dialogue seemed to flow better. But this review is for the draft I read.
Emotion: I did completely care for what happens to the characters. As I said before, Q is a great character and I wanted to see him and Dani get together in the end. Kudos to you for not conceding to a "Hollywood ending".
In conclusion: I've read some scripts that were so poorly done the made me want to pull my hair out. This script did not make me feel that way. I was interested the entire time and Q seems like a franchise character to me. You could base alot of good stories around him. I think you've really got something here. A bit more polish, specifically with the dialogue and it'll be ready to go.
I've read many scripts in my lifetime from produced hollywood films to scripts from aspiring writers. I'm no expert, but in my opinion this script is a couple of drafts away from being great. The good far outweighed the bad in this script.
Premise: A very bold idea with a cult of evil fraternity brothers as villians could've come off silly, and truth be told felt silly at first, but then I settled into the type of world you created and went along with the characters on their adventure.
Story Structure: I felt as though the story flowed well. There was one scene that seemed to have no importance (EXT. CAMPUS page 21 & 22 with Candace and Dani), but you kept it short and it wasn't problematic.
Character: Q was a great character. A very appropriate character for this story. I enjoyed every moment he was on the page. Dani was pretty much as you say in the script a "damsel in distress" and nothing more. She only ceases to be so in the final moments of the climax, but there was nothing before to indicate that change. She didn't grow as a character. The supporting characters were very distinct. Each one having their own personality which made them easy to follow. Also, what happened to Purefoy? It was set up like the cops were after Q, even Dani had the dream of Purefoy gunning Q down, but then Purefoy never appeared again. It felt like he was a wasted character.
Dialogue: This is my only major grievance with this script. The dialogue seemed unnatural at many times throughout the script. The words were all there and you got your point across, but it just didn't feel like it's the way people talk. It was awkward. But that's what rewrites are for. I saw you posted a second draft of your script. I didn't read the second draft, but I did skim it and noticed that the dialogue seemed to flow better. But this review is for the draft I read.
Emotion: I did completely care for what happens to the characters. As I said before, Q is a great character and I wanted to see him and Dani get together in the end. Kudos to you for not conceding to a "Hollywood ending".
In conclusion: I've read some scripts that were so poorly done the made me want to pull my hair out. This script did not make me feel that way. I was interested the entire time and Q seems like a franchise character to me. You could base alot of good stories around him. I think you've really got something here. A bit more polish, specifically with the dialogue and it'll be ready to go.