Overall: I love the premise of this story and how it was executed. Essentially it’s not unique in that we find a passage to a different time – it has been done. What sets this story apart from others is the atmosphere, tone and artistic potential. It was an engaging read with a lot of style and vision from the writer’s perspective that drew me in.
Premise: Again, love it. Not totally unique but, imho, definitely marketable.
Structure: Very good pace, although I felt overall the script could be cut a few pages.
Character: Hunter is very likable despite his flaws. Some elements of his background story were not completely clear to me such as the impact of his sister’s disapproval or his father’s death. I feel that clarifying those elements a little more could help make his arc even stronger.
Dialogue: I liked the clashing of the time periods through the dialogue – well done. Overall, I felt now and then it got a bit chatty and could be cut back a bit.
Emotion: Here, I feel there is still some room for development. The stakes came across in theory but in action and dialogue they didn’t quite live up to the potential.
I love the overall atmosphere of this piece the most. You have Hunter – rugged type of guy who’s trying to find himself and then this “magical” parallel world he gets lured into through the old photographs. There is something special about old pictures, even if we don’t know the people we’re looking at. We tend to wonder who these people were and what kinds of lives they lived. Hunter gets to meet them! It’s beautiful.
Essentially, this is a romance story in my opinion, wrapped in somewhat of a fairy tale. In some strange way I am reminded of Sleeping Beauty (although I can certainly see the Peter Pan comparison as well!). Now, Samantha is not asleep, but for her (and the children) time has come to a halt… and Hunter is her prince. They learn from one another… although Hunter learns a great deal more than Samantha. There is a very positive aura about the entire story and I wonder if it could use a little bit more spark here and there. I would expect a level of frustration from Samantha and the kids but they are quite serene. Perhaps you need to enlighten your readers a little more as to why that is OR draw them a tad bit “darker”. These kids… although their bodies remain those of children, wouldn’t they be ahead a lot more mentally?
One thing I didn’t understand was the relationship between the grandfather and Ginny. And on that note, I felt that Hunter’s reaction to his grandfather’s sudden re-appearance was a little weak. I would have expected a bigger reaction, considering the time he was gone and what Hunter has found and they now share in common – the discovery of Samantha and the kids.
There are some technical things: Watch out for the use of “glancing”. You use it a lot ☺ Also, I would break up action lines after 4 lines.
I think this could make for a very successful family film. Enjoyed it.
I love the premise of this story and how it was executed. Essentially it’s not unique in that we find a passage to a different time – it has been done. What sets this story apart from others is the atmosphere, tone and artistic potential. It was an engaging read with a lot of style and vision from the writer’s perspective that drew me in.
Premise:
Again, love it. Not totally unique but, imho, definitely marketable.
Structure:
Very good pace, although I felt overall the script could be cut a few pages.
Character:
Hunter is very likable despite his flaws. Some elements of his background story were not completely clear to me such as the impact of his sister’s disapproval or his father’s death. I feel that clarifying those elements a little more could help make his arc even stronger.
Dialogue:
I liked the clashing of the time periods through the dialogue – well done. Overall, I felt now and then it got a bit chatty and could be cut back a bit.
Emotion:
Here, I feel there is still some room for development. The stakes came across in theory but in action and dialogue they didn’t quite live up to the potential.
I love the overall atmosphere of this piece the most. You have Hunter – rugged type of guy who’s trying to find himself and then this “magical” parallel world he gets lured into through the old photographs. There is something special about old pictures, even if we don’t know the people we’re looking at. We tend to wonder who these people were and what kinds of lives they lived. Hunter gets to meet them! It’s beautiful.
Essentially, this is a romance story in my opinion, wrapped in somewhat of a fairy tale. In some strange way I am reminded of Sleeping Beauty (although I can certainly see the Peter Pan comparison as well!). Now, Samantha is not asleep, but for her (and the children) time has come to a halt… and Hunter is her prince. They learn from one another… although Hunter learns a great deal more than Samantha.
There is a very positive aura about the entire story and I wonder if it could use a little bit more spark here and there. I would expect a level of frustration from Samantha and the kids but they are quite serene. Perhaps you need to enlighten your readers a little more as to why that is OR draw them a tad bit “darker”. These kids… although their bodies remain those of children, wouldn’t they be ahead a lot more mentally?
One thing I didn’t understand was the relationship between the grandfather and Ginny. And on that note, I felt that Hunter’s reaction to his grandfather’s sudden re-appearance was a little weak. I would have expected a bigger reaction, considering the time he was gone and what Hunter has found and they now share in common – the discovery of Samantha and the kids.
There are some technical things: Watch out for the use of “glancing”. You use it a lot ☺ Also, I would break up action lines after 4 lines.
I think this could make for a very successful family film. Enjoyed it.
Best of luck!