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Some notes on the script 1983
Winner: Best Test Movie
Finalist: Best Test Movie
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie
Las Vegas, NV
December 23, 2010
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Just some scattered thoughts, take them or leave them:
’Flight of Icarus’ Does this song tie back in SPECIFICALLY with your story? If not, it’s better to be general as music rights/licensing can be complicated.
That first block of action is very long. Generally speaking, action should be broken up, but much of this can be condensed. Also, I would capitalize my general characters the first time they are introduced as well, not just your main ones, i.e. YOUNG MAN and GOOFY GUYS.
How does the long V.O. benefit your story? As a matter of fact, for the next several pages, most of you story is comprised of V.O. Perhaps you should consider ways you can “show” us what is happening rather than “telling” us. In particular, having your main character converse with the audience blatantly reminds us that we are watching a movie, which can be undesirable if your intent is to draw the audience into your world.
That being said, consolidate. Your new first page could look something like:
FADE IN:
EXT. FANTASTICAL ROAD – NIGHT
METAL MUSIC plays. The heads of a YOUNG MAN with brown hair and THREE GOOFY GUYS hang out of a red GREMLIN. The Gremlin weaves through hovering, translucent images of pre-1983 nostalgia on a fantastical road.
The car disappears into a long tunnel. We pace from outside. At the other end, a SCOOBY DOO-TYPE VAN emerges.
INT. SCOOBY DOO VAN – NIGHT
The brown-haired young man, a pretty YOUNG GIRL, three TOUGH GUYS, a SKINNY MAN in workout attire and a MIDDLE-AGED MAN with a mustache pass a joint around. The brown-haired boy stares out the windshield at the translucent nostalgia.
Lindsay (V.O.)
It's funny how one minute you think you have your
life all figured out and the next your world gets turned
upside down.
It’s takes up less than half a page, and page space=money. Keep only what is necessary and avoid expositional dialogue. These principles can be taken and applied to the rest of your story, and you will have solid bones for which to build the meat of your story around.
Comedy is not only hard, but it is subjective. By saying some of the humor is bland, I am not trying to offend but just pointing out that it needs developed. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Consider for a moment the sheer number of movies and screenplays spun off one way or another from Star Wars. It’s an astronomical number. If you are to base humor off of such a popular trilogy, you must be extremely original and as polished as possible to avoid seeming stale. It may be funny, but what sets it apart from everything else out there? Strive to be exceptional.
Your character descriptions are bland, and coincidentally can also be compressed. They are your characters, describe them to us, but be economical. For example:
This:
LINDSAY early twenties sits at his desk in pink tighty-whiteys and writes in a composition notebook. He has a short brown hair and a fit build. There is comic books, STAR WARS action figures, and beer cans scattered on the desk. The room is messy and very clustered with comic books and clothes thrown on the floor and his bed. The walls are covered with band posters from PINK FLOYD, LED ZEPPELIN, JIMI Hendrix, and IRON MAIDEN.
Could read more like this:
LINDSAY, early twenties, short brown hair, pink briefs, fit build, writes in a composition notebook. His desk is cluttered with comics, STAR WARS action figures and beer cans.
Laundry piles form on the floor and Lindsay’s unmade bed. FLOYD, ZEPPELIN, HENDRIX and IRON MAIDEN posters decorate the walls.
A couple more slight suggestions would be to add page numbers and to capitalize the SOUNDS in your story.