All Reviews

Overall, I think the script works as it is, especially for a made-for-TV movie, but if you want it to be anything more, I think you need to work on a couple of things.

First off, I think the premise is great because it brings a new spin on the romantic-comedy where you are allowed to let the girl live out her princess-like dreams because she is in fact a princess.
The story structure resembles the very basic formula that works for the genre, but I couldn't help looking for something unique within the script that set it apart from other romantic-comedies I have seen. I kept waiting for something to happen that disrupted the typical storyline, but was disappointed that it ended in the usual cliche.

Your characters are fairly well written, and possess a lot of potential to do something more with them. I found them to be kind of vague, without anything defining them other than their professions (except Emma's paintings). I wanted to know more about her father, wanted to see her more in action at the park. I wanted to see more of Jake's charm and wit that was so different from his cocky start. As it is, there isn't much drawing these two together other than their obvious attractiveness.

I think there needs to be more dialogue between Jake and Emma that justifies his decision to leave the show. I personally don't believe that only a photoshopped picture on the set would bring him to his senses, but maybe a painting that resembles her previous works. Other than that, I think the dialogue is well-done, save for a few spots where there are typos and formatting issues.

The emotion works for the most part, but I think there needs to be more of it. As it is, Emma and Jake are kind of dry characters that don't necessarily seem worthy of my time. Nonetheless, if you give them more attention and make their emotions unique to their character rather than cliched, I think you have a better script here.

Going off of that, I think the best advice I can give you is to add more... everywhere. And when I say that, I don't think that there needs to be additional scenes, but just more details and nuances sprinkled in throughout. Your story structure works for a romantic-comedy, but it just feels too rushed. Sounds weird to say because so many screenplays are bogged down by unnecessary details, but I think you need to bog it down more and make it worthwhile. Overall, good job, look forward to your revisions!

Fun fall from grace story. Always wondered what the real lives of "happy" "on" fun park
characters are like behind the scenes- great choice of subject matter.

Great voice for Jake- you can hear how much of a pompous ass he is. Would like to see more about how he changes- add scenes where he gets nicer to kids, is more humble.

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Emma has some fun quips -

"Last time the huge favor ended up with me in the backseat of a cab with your creepy uncle".

"This would be so much sexier if you were in tights."

"He lived in his mother's basement and has a rather sizable doll collection."

"KFC does some pretty tremendous work."

You give her some awesome lines. LOL
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Nice backstory on Emma.

Harry's a nice foil to Jake- frugal, real dude like.

Watch tense in action descriptions-

Ex. She walks, instead of she is walking.

You can use more contractions too if you like.

Could reduce/drop bits at the beginning of sentences like well, hey, so, aw.

p. 25

Emma : You being going here long. been?

p. 27

James: need "the" in front of Yogo set
Jake: need question mark at end of: What do you mean you don't know

I agree with the above reviewer about the scene when Jake is on set- perhaps he could pick up a photo of a little blonde girl in pigtails at the beach with her dad or something more like that.

Great last line- play on words- paws! I want to know what happens to the now :)
Would like to see Emma get re-inspired to finish her paintings, pursue art as a career?

Very, very cute story- underlying message- it's nice to be kind to kids.

I agree that this is a solid premise and would work well as a Movie of the Week, maybe on Lifetime or Hallmark.

The tone is a solid PG with a few unexpected PG-13 moments. I'm not a huge follower of the genre, but I definitely appreciate the formula. I think this needs to be a little more PG-13 for what I understand romcoms to be.

This script, especially in the first half, is extremely dialog heavy. You need to set the scene for the reader a little more. Movies are "show, don't tell" but scripts need to tell a little more. What's her apartment look like? What's the night club like? Help me picture it. This issue clears up a bit later in the script.

I find the characters kind of cliché and flat. Everyone, like in the parade, has their part to play and that's all they're there for. They don't feel like real people sometimes. They do have their moments and I find your dialog pretty darn funny in places.

Emma is not very likable to me. She's a nitpicky, emotionally stunted, fearful, perfectionist. And that's okay -- everyone deserves a shot at love, right? But my problem here is that she doesn't really change. Is she our protagonist? If so, she needs to change in a meaningful and permanent way. You show her accepting imperfections (her father's painting) and then she gets beat up (Jake leaves) almost immediately after. If she is our protagonist, she needs to travel Campbell's journey and emerge a different person.

The only person that changes is Jake and that's because Emma bends him to her pink, fluffy, iron will (she unfortunately reminds me of a young, hot Dolores Umbridge). The movie ends and she's learned nothing about love, only that she can get what she wants if she pouts hard enough.

I believe that this is a great premise, even feature-worthy. But us formula junkies need the arc. I need to see her failings and how they are stopping her from getting what she wants. Then I need to see her try to overcome them the wrong way and fail. Then I need to see her try the right way (which we knew all along and isn't she silly for not having tried it before now) and start to succeed, almost fail catastrophically, then win!

Hooray!