All Reviews

I really, really like your protagonist. Quirky insane fun. I could see maybe Jeff Bridges having a lot of fun with this. (Or Lloyd Bridges back in the day). I was a little unhappy with your opening because I didn’t quite get why the hell he was driving from Caddy to Caddy to Caddy. Couldn’t he just drop coins in the meter? Is this what he does every day? Why doesn’t he park them where there aren’t any meters? Or pay for long-term parking? I know long-term parking isn’t as quirky and cinematic. But wouldn’t it be cheaper?

Once I accepted that he was just a crazy old coot, I was a lot happier. Maybe you can clue us in that he’s a crazy old coot right from the beginning? Maybe he backs into a car on purpose or something.

I really like that he drives homeless people around, and his relationship with the church is cool, too. I truly like this guy.

I do not like Dapper Dan at all. In particular I do not like him running around doing theatrical recitals. Oh my God I do not like that. I think you should go the other way with Dan. He should be normal for sure, maybe even uptight. I would really work on Dan, and the Dan-A.B. relationship. His character is a mess, the backstory is clunky as hell, and the flashbacks are horrible.

I really like the scene where the train hits the Caddy. Funny.

“Oh what a fool and errant knave am I.” I want to shoot him. Seriously. He’s annoying me on the page. If he’s like this on the DVD I’m going to throw my shoes at the television. Start over with this guy.

Right now your relationships are really awkward. I didn’t believe the meter maid driving one of his Caddy’s, and Dapper Dan driving the other one. That really seemed like a plot device. I didn’t believe A.B. spending the day hanging out with Spec. She’s in uniform and she’s just sitting in a Caddy, telling her life story? I didn’t believe that at all. And that flashback is so bad you actually have a character complaining about it. (“This story does have a payoff, right?”) Quit filming the backstory. Figure out a way to make it a part of our story, or drop it.

On page 55, Spec is mad about A.B. losing her baby (abortion?) You haven’t set this up very well so it’s out of the blue. How does he know that A.B. is Hilly’s daughter? Because he looked at a picture of a 3-year-old girl? Right now this is pretty awkward. A.B. and Spec just roll right into a father-daughter conversation (“Were you there when I was growing up?”). She’s seen a tattoo that might be like the one her father had, maybe. He’s seen a photograph of a 3-year-old child. Why do they think they’re related? Do they think it?

The discussion on pages 56-58 is really strong writing. Great stuff. But how does he know this is Hilly’s daughter? Maybe she should look like her mom. But if so wouldn’t he notice and stare at her when he meets her? I just don’t get all this knowledge he has from looking at a photograph of a 3-year-old girl. The conversation is great, but how do the characters know what they know? I think we need some definite beats in here where knowledge is gained and characters figure out things (and we figure it out along with them). Right now the awkwardness of the information discovery is distracting me from the emotions of the moment.

For instance, maybe Dan could refer to A.B. as “Anapurna.” That would be a far stronger clue.

I feel like we need a scene or two with A.B. and Dan early in the screenplay. Spec’s in every scene and Dan disappears for pages and pages and pages. Which is a good thing, as I hate him. But if he’s the love interest, you need to a) fix his character and please dear God get him off the stage and b) give him more screen time earlier in the story. As cool as Spec is, I think the A.B.-Dan relationship needs some sunshine, too. (And having her recite the backstory does not do this job at all).

Instead of an abortion (miscarriage?), maybe A.B. could be a single mom, like her mom? That would be a nice midpoint surprise. A baby would give this story a far happier vibe and it would really motivate Spec’s desire to bring Dan and A.B. together. You end with a baby but it might be more powerful if there was a baby all along.

I think you can and should lose the entire courtroom scene. It derails your story and basically is an excuse for a massive amount of after-the-fact exposition. Now we're supposed to believe that Spec knew this was his daughter all along? But we never got any hint of that from the early scenes. I would jettison this, and have Spec run into Anapurna by accident. He should discover his daughter, and we should be along with him on his discovery.

I would be interested who they would cast for this off the wall story -- either way I'd buy a ticket to see the movie.

I think this would be a very good film. The visual qualities are obvious.