2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
It's the start, but it's got a ways to go.
2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Great job at making us care, but writing needs work and is there a market for this?
On the whole, I enjoyed reading this script, Ms. Cauley. You have a knack for capturing feelings and making us really care about the characters. Cudos!!
You must have been in a hurry when you wrote this script, because you have quite a few clumsy passages like this example from page 30:
"Leo is sitting on his side of the soaked sock to his side. With the he's grower paler and weaker. The top of the backpack and the water"
You also give lots of instructions to the actors, telling them how their character thinks and feels. I think many directors feel that this is their job. Also, if some big name Hollywood actors ever do your script, they will have their own interpretation of the characters. I think your best bet is to reveal the character's feelings and personality by what they do and say. To quote a cliche, "show, don't tell".
I like the way you changed scenes after the wave crashed down on the raft. That was a truly suspenseful moment for me.
Is the talking dead guy real in any sense, or is it just the other guy going nuts? Or is the audience supposed to wonder about what's truly going on, like the "The Lady or the Tiger" story?
There's a lot of deep emotional content here, and you have some important things to say. That being said, does a modern movie audience have the sophistication and patience to spend about 90 minutes watching two guys talk at each other?
What you have here is a chick flick for guys -- except most guys hate chick flicks. Or maybe you are being truly fresh and creative by taking a bold new direction? If so, I wish you luck with this project!
-- Timothy Turnipseed "indeed"
You must have been in a hurry when you wrote this script, because you have quite a few clumsy passages like this example from page 30:
"Leo is sitting on his side of the soaked sock to his side. With the he's grower paler and weaker. The top of the backpack and the water"
You also give lots of instructions to the actors, telling them how their character thinks and feels. I think many directors feel that this is their job. Also, if some big name Hollywood actors ever do your script, they will have their own interpretation of the characters. I think your best bet is to reveal the character's feelings and personality by what they do and say. To quote a cliche, "show, don't tell".
I like the way you changed scenes after the wave crashed down on the raft. That was a truly suspenseful moment for me.
Is the talking dead guy real in any sense, or is it just the other guy going nuts? Or is the audience supposed to wonder about what's truly going on, like the "The Lady or the Tiger" story?
There's a lot of deep emotional content here, and you have some important things to say. That being said, does a modern movie audience have the sophistication and patience to spend about 90 minutes watching two guys talk at each other?
What you have here is a chick flick for guys -- except most guys hate chick flicks. Or maybe you are being truly fresh and creative by taking a bold new direction? If so, I wish you luck with this project!
-- Timothy Turnipseed "indeed"
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Far from ME
It’s a good classic story. At the beginning, it reads like a novel, It begins with 2 man in the middle of the ocean on a raft, then we get a flashback which develops the story back through that first scene!
So maybe more can be done at the beginning, maybe start with the university life and move forward. The story is littered with flashbacks, maybe it’s a good thing but I think that the best way to tell a story is the linear fashion, so that we don’t know what is going to happen until they happen.
Though most of the dialogue tasted natural, some parts seemed a little out of touch with the situation. Like when the 2 lead characters are talking about whether one of them could be a great dad or not, 24 hours into their survival mode, with no food, drinks or sleep I would image they would be talking about something else and not kids/future, it’s just my opinion. maybe its was time to talk about survival and later on when they were losing hope they could have all those other conversations about kids, family and regrets.
Some creative dialogues:
“He grabs him by the shoulder and rattles him like a broken
vending machine.”
and
“He knows that the person in front of him
isn't really his friend, but, as long as he can imagine, he will still be there.”
I also think that we should know little more about Jim’s fiancé Lisa, so maybe the story could start with that.
About the theme, it’s clear but I didn’t feel that the lead character or the survivor of the disaster learned a lesson, transformed or would help transform the viewers. Why do I say that? Because I know that stories are told for a purpose and even though the purpose is clear we still want that purpose of the story to be reflected in the character, actions or the words of the lead actors so they can show us how to change and deal with difficulties. The point is if you are going to tell a story with a sad ending like the this one, the benefits that I would imagine for watching this movie would be the lessons learned and the transformation. If it were a story with a good ending, the benefits would be the techniques that were acquired to deal with the types of challenges that are presented in the story which led to the good ending. So ,always there has to be some benefit in telling the story, some lessons learned or a kind transformation. This story has all the potential to do that but I just didn’t feel that it was there, it read well, but I am not sure which lesson I have most learned after reading it.
There were few but some minor grammatical errors and that is universal I guess for all the scripts.
It is a classic story, with a classic plot and there are many movies that have a similar line to it. So I am not sure if those studios will get excited about it.
Over all i would say that it was a very interesting story that can be developed into a decent movie if it gets the chance.
The format that Amazon asked for is 12, CourierNew and you got 11.5 so you might want to change that since it can effect the page numbers.
Cheers
F.Hashi
So maybe more can be done at the beginning, maybe start with the university life and move forward. The story is littered with flashbacks, maybe it’s a good thing but I think that the best way to tell a story is the linear fashion, so that we don’t know what is going to happen until they happen.
Though most of the dialogue tasted natural, some parts seemed a little out of touch with the situation. Like when the 2 lead characters are talking about whether one of them could be a great dad or not, 24 hours into their survival mode, with no food, drinks or sleep I would image they would be talking about something else and not kids/future, it’s just my opinion. maybe its was time to talk about survival and later on when they were losing hope they could have all those other conversations about kids, family and regrets.
Some creative dialogues:
“He grabs him by the shoulder and rattles him like a broken
vending machine.”
and
“He knows that the person in front of him
isn't really his friend, but, as long as he can imagine, he will still be there.”
I also think that we should know little more about Jim’s fiancé Lisa, so maybe the story could start with that.
About the theme, it’s clear but I didn’t feel that the lead character or the survivor of the disaster learned a lesson, transformed or would help transform the viewers. Why do I say that? Because I know that stories are told for a purpose and even though the purpose is clear we still want that purpose of the story to be reflected in the character, actions or the words of the lead actors so they can show us how to change and deal with difficulties. The point is if you are going to tell a story with a sad ending like the this one, the benefits that I would imagine for watching this movie would be the lessons learned and the transformation. If it were a story with a good ending, the benefits would be the techniques that were acquired to deal with the types of challenges that are presented in the story which led to the good ending. So ,always there has to be some benefit in telling the story, some lessons learned or a kind transformation. This story has all the potential to do that but I just didn’t feel that it was there, it read well, but I am not sure which lesson I have most learned after reading it.
There were few but some minor grammatical errors and that is universal I guess for all the scripts.
It is a classic story, with a classic plot and there are many movies that have a similar line to it. So I am not sure if those studios will get excited about it.
Over all i would say that it was a very interesting story that can be developed into a decent movie if it gets the chance.
The format that Amazon asked for is 12, CourierNew and you got 11.5 so you might want to change that since it can effect the page numbers.
Cheers
F.Hashi
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Far From Me -- Two Pals in Trouble -- Needs More Tension/Conflict
Winner: Best Test Movie
Finalist: Best Test Movie, Best Actor
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie, Best Actor
USA
December 23, 2010
Liz -
Hope the rewrite is going well for you.
I took down the previous review since it was so old and you were working on adjustments.
Good Luck!
Rob
Hope the rewrite is going well for you.
I took down the previous review since it was so old and you were working on adjustments.
Good Luck!
Rob
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
A well developed, intimate friendship study that feels more like made for TV material.
The writer has dramatic skill in creating meaningful emotion and characters that you care about. I certainly had no trouble reading it straight through as the character´s caught my interest. I liked the switching back and forth in time, which worked well.
The theme of the Conversation Never Had was not, in my opinion, sufficiently explored as presented in this story and this script is therefore not able to sustain a full-budget movie (T.V. yes). I think the theme needs to be developed further, perhaps with intersecting narratives to explore this from different perspectives, maybe in the style of Babel (which explores a similar theme).
Sorry if I have misunderstood the narrative, Elizabeth, but I did not feel the Conversation Never Had between the two protagonists was clearly enough demonstrated. Perhaps a more unexpected consequence of the Conversation Never Had between them would have added another dimension to the drama making its importance clearer.
Still, you have a thoroughly enjoyable writing style. I will take a look at The Glass Slippers when I get the chance.
:) steven
The theme of the Conversation Never Had was not, in my opinion, sufficiently explored as presented in this story and this script is therefore not able to sustain a full-budget movie (T.V. yes). I think the theme needs to be developed further, perhaps with intersecting narratives to explore this from different perspectives, maybe in the style of Babel (which explores a similar theme).
Sorry if I have misunderstood the narrative, Elizabeth, but I did not feel the Conversation Never Had between the two protagonists was clearly enough demonstrated. Perhaps a more unexpected consequence of the Conversation Never Had between them would have added another dimension to the drama making its importance clearer.
Still, you have a thoroughly enjoyable writing style. I will take a look at The Glass Slippers when I get the chance.
:) steven
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You have something here, but it's muddled. I'll start by asking what's this script about? Why is half the script spent clinging to life on a raft in the ocean, and the other half dealing with skipping an exam? The college aspect doesn't help except to cause a problem with them as friends, and on that note it's not dealt with in a big enough way to cause the rift in their friendship you seem to imply with the synopsis.
I really like the idea of the two on the raft, and that day one JIM dies, and then it's a slow decent into madness and giving up on life while a projection of your life long friend talks to you from the grave. Very cool concept. NOW, the trick will be finding a story that is equally interesting and thematically relevant to fill the flashback (right now it's not linking at all and the college story feels like filler)
Take a step back and ask yourself what you're trying to say and I'm sure it'll come to you.
SMALLER NOTES
I honestly kept getting lost as to which character was doing what. JIM and LEO are too similar in name and voice. Give them separate personalities that are distinct. It'll go a long way for the movie, and make the reading process more fun – as it stands they are interchangeable.
Check for spelling, grammar and exposition. There are lots of typos in there, which believe me I am no better at, but read through your dialogue and clean that up at a minimum, it's hard to get a flow when re-reading dialogue. Your description often tells me of something I can't see, but something I need to know to make the story stronger and believable – move those moments out of omnipotence and into character action or dialogue. IE: the rules of the world (Jim can't affect anything outside of Leo's mind)
When going back and forth between timelines make sure you put 7 years ago or Present. On this point, pick the moments with the most emotional impact to cut back and forth to keep the reader / viewer hooked. Think TV and commercials... When they first get on the raft, you have Jim come back to life, then have them chit chat and it's leo saying he doesn't want to eat a power bar that is the last moment before a flashback. Talk about anticlimactic. Pack a punch and it'll keep readers turning the page.
Everything to do with the college timeline feels rushed and not thought out. We're meeting the women these guys are going to marry, and I don't have the slightest idea as to who either of them are. I don't see any conflict in this story except that everyone wants Leo to party and he doesn’t want to and he succumbs to peer pressure and skips an exam and then lies about it... You have a man fighting for his life on a raft, and a college student skipping classes. I think this is going to be your biggest hurdle going forwards with this story, I know it would be mine.
When they crash, I got a little lost as to the logistics of how Leo is on the surface to start. That aside, having Jim be dead in the plane is a waste of some great emotional impact. Consider he's still alive when Leo gets to him – Now, you have a legitimate race against time to get your friend to the surface to save his life, and when you get up to the top and it wasn't fast enough and your best life long friend just died! WOW! I wouldn't even want to pull the raft cord, I couldn't, I'd be too in shock. BUT, human spirt overcomes and Leo pulls the cord, and brings his friend into the raft, out of respect, out of hope, out of love. When Jim comes back, now we're even more invested in the shock and surprise as we've gone through the loss WITH Leo, as opposed to watching it after the fact.