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Review:
Electric Sunset,
Kris's 2nd Draft (Script 2)
11/17/2010

Author's logline: "A burnt out international spy returns to his hometown and finds it overrun with human trafficking and prostitution."

Summary: A man we don't know is killed in the first scene, and this tale is told in flashback a la Sunset Boulevard. It turns out he's a cartoon caricature of white boy fantasies about being a tough guy lady's man.

Recommend script: no
Entertainment Value: 1.5 out of 5 stars

REVIEW:

The Plot:

The very first scene calls for an "aerial shot," which may indicate the writer intends this to be a large budget production from square one.

The lead character "Nick" is introduced memorably, although I don't know the song referenced, or if it may need rights cleared.

Oddly the writer has introduced "Bodyguard #2" although no "Bodyguard #1" has materialized first. Similarly, the label "Cowboy" is substituted for a named character, "Jackson", leading to confusion and a loss of some confidence.

The band AC "fucking" DC may have some say about their participation in this project, as stands. The author comes off as a newbie, with little experience in the realities of spec features. This flashback supposedly provides the birth story of Nick the main character, but adds very little to the plot.

The fourth wall is demolished finally, with dialogue such as: "she's like ten, come on. Just forget I said that. Thought that. Fuck, now you think I'm an asshole."

Somewhat prescient.

The beginning lacks story focus. This is clearly evident with events such as:

"Student #3 turns to the crowd and puts his hands up in the air victorious."

We should care about this kid's game why? "Student #3" passes for a credible villain?

Later that day: "For some reason, I was always getting yelled at."

This over him being yelled at by his father. It's not adding, it's redundant.

Then suddenly Nick is in his twenties in the Ukraine, and he's in the middle of the Bourne Redundancy. One can't help but notice that most of what preceded did NOT lead up to this, and was seemingly irrelevant.

Lines like this, however, are designed to have us forget all that:

"Fat Man takes off his jacket getting ready to fight.
NICK (CONT'D)
What, you're gonna sit on me?"

Yes, it's that kind of film. Nick does blatantly unlikely things, because we must assume he's such a badass that the laws of physics and common sense do not apply. Again, lines like this should distract us from the unlikely gun snatchings and escacpes:

"LAURA DIAZ, a curvy Spanish woman wearing a neon thong walks between them. Bill stares shamelessly.

NICK
Seriously? It's a wonder Bin Laden's still alive."

Here we learn that Nick has been shot, but is far too macho to have even noticed:

"Despite all the blood he shows no sign of pain."

The writer has most likely never been shot.

Nick, the desire of all Ukrainian prostitutes, is far too unbelievable and arrogant to be taken seriously on any level. Perhaps that will pass with an immature audience.

"KATE SCOTT, now in her 20's and as beautiful as ever..." brings us up to date with little Kate, except there's no way for the movie audience to know this actress is supposed to be the same character.

Then Nick is elsewhere, and the reasons are unclear. He's in a barfight with lots of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

On page 35 (of 128) we finally run into the Cowboy character who supposedly kills Nick, the main character in scene one. As arbitrary as that initial scene is the circumstance of this meeting. This script has thus far lacked any discernible plan by the antagonist, nor much clarity to the protagonist's actions. It has rambled across the world, across ages, and with gratuitous sex and violence.

The story seems to begin here at a US brothel where the Cowboy Jackson is one of the hired help muscle who make sure big strong heroes like Nick don't walk off with the Ukrainian girls. This doesn't seem to jibe with Nick's earlier womanizing character, unless I missed some previous chivalrous rescuing. This is glaringly inconsistent, and the script would be better if pages 1-34 were simply deleted. It would also improve if this scene particularly was taken seriously, given some gravitas, and not treated like a series of inconsequential one-liners and posturing for the camera. It's hard to take anything in this script seriously, and if so -- what's the point?

So now, at first sight, the heroic Nick has adopted prostitute Alexsandra. Why? I don't know. They get away (rolls eyes at how).

Nick explains in a nutshell his version of the white slave trade. This is awkward and ill timed. Perhaps an opening sequence to the film would be more appropriate. Also, with no prior motivation shown, Nick's actions at the brothel don't make a lick of sense. What is it exactly that makes him turn into anti-prostitution man?

As the script is still only 1/3 of the way through, I have the feeling the author may get to some of these logical steps eventually. Will I still be reading, though?

Then Nick has just happened to drive his truck into a lake in exactly the right spot to ifnd an underwater graveyard of beautiful dead prostitutes. The mind boggles at the probability.

In good conscience, to myself, I refuse to continue.


Characters:

The characters, even Aleksandra, are so unreal that one feels as if it's a spoof parody along the lines of Airplane, but not funny. These people are not modeled on real living people, but on movie cliches that don't really think and breathe on their own.

Thoughts

This adolescent male fantasy nonsense is reminiscent of cheesy 80's sex comedies mixed with a ridiculous spy tie-in. Purely exploitative, and without much other purpose. Women are treated primarily as sex objects, and many females will likely find this offensive.

Dialogue:
Much of it at the start is exposition, and some of the scenes are superfluous. The short nature of the scenes almost distracts from the reality that they are unnecessary and not telling the main story -- who is the main antagonist here?

Lines like these make me wish I had chosen a different script:

"KATE
Look who decided to be my knight in shining armor."

First the format should be that of a spec script, not a shooting one. Second, slug lines are not seen by the audience so entries like "1985" or "Podunk, AZ" need to be added as a SUPER. Third, too many things are assumed and not explained for the audience, so there is a feeling of incompleteness/ sketchiness.

I think the main character is memorable, and I love the concept of a young government assassin returning home (Grosse Point Blank). Nick is fun to follow, and the dialogue is often very clever. Given that the violence is not super graphic, I think this script would stand a better chance as a PG-13. Since the writer obviously has a knack for dialogue, he could easily get rid of the F bombs and still display his wit and humor. It would also make the romantic lead more engaging, because as it stands, there's not much to like about her. It's good that she's tough and has a strong personality, but her verbal skills could stand to be improved to make her more emotionally attractive. Some of the action lines could stand to be a bit cleaner and more visual, and the scene where the girl dies in the snuff film could be more detailed (without necessarily being all gory). But on the whole, this was a very enjoyable read, in a genre that will most undoubtedly always find an audience if the casting is right.

The description of the town needs to better match what is described in the premise, i.e. that the whole place has changed for the worst since Nick left. This is a good opportunity to create a strong sense of mood and place with visuals.

Electric Sunset is an interesting premise, especially with it's loyalty to ACDC; however, it follows in the footsteps of others without excelling at any one area. It has style, but never manages to use it effectively enough to forgive it of it's lack of bland dialogue and two dimensional characters. While some characters thrive on personality, most of the characters suffer from painful dialogue. For every one witty remark there are several that suffer from bland writing and an overuse of expletives.

The story is no more better or worse than most modern action movies, and this script lacks any emotional depth. I realize this is not the focus of the story, but without memorable characters (except the main character Nick) there is little to become attached too.

Electric Sunset may turn out to be a very entertaining script if it can work out its characters and dialogue. It has style, but it is not enough to compensate for it's weaknesses. Electric Sunset may only need a revision or two to get off the ground, but until then, Electric Sunset will not rise above the sea of other action movies.

why exactly is this popular -- i just dont get it.

Reading Kris' script felt like watching a movie in my head. Everything I read, I could visualize. The story is like Taken meets Die Hard meets James Bond. From funny dialogue, to action pumped scenes; this movie is a definite top choice to get picked up by amazon studios.

- Pete

Dialogue needs work and story structure could be stronger.

Nick is definitely a likable main character as is his dad. The the main issues I had with the story were the V.O., the lack of threat, and the survival of the main character.

When there is V.O. in a story, I expect to only experience what the narrator experiences. When we break outside of that it breaks the continuity for me. There are exceptions, such as True Romance, but with this story it is told through Nicks eyes and I don't think we should know much outside of what he sees and experiences.

The lack of threat I mention is that the main characters never seem to feel the gravity of the situations they are in. Even when Nick thinks Kate is in mortal and physical danger, he jokes about how "fun" the adventure is.

I also missed how Nick survived the shot to the head. I will have to go back and see what I missed, as there has to be an explanation somewhere.

Overall, it was a fun read with interesting characters and lots of action. the bad guys were despicable and the good guys were heroes.

Good luck with the script.

Premise:
The concept of a rock star secret agent is a truly fun idea. The script, however, needs to foreground that concept more in order to exploit its potential and make this the unique take on the spy/action genre it could easily be.

Story Structure:
The script follows a fairly standard action movie formula, moving quickly from one fight scene to the next. My problem with this structure is that it doesn't leave much room for us to get to know Nick and connect with him, which is crucial to selling him as a different kind of spy. The story synopsis references "In Bruges" as an influence; there are a couple of great scenes in "In Bruges" that do little more than build up the Colin Farrell character as an individual. It would be great to see Nick do some small, simple things unrelated to a mission so we get more of a sense of his personality and approach to life.

That said, I do feel the script is too long at 125 pages. It flagged for me in places because of how heavy the description is and because there is some directing on paper (e.g., camera shots specified). Tighten it up to keep it moving.

Characters:
The supporting characters work nicely within the confines of the genre. I believe we need to see more of Nick being a rock star agent, though. The initial secret agent scene in Odessa could be ramped up to include more character-defining moments because, as it stands now, Nick comes across as an "average" spy. What does it mean for him to think of himself as a rock star? How does this come out in his behavior (beyond how he looks)? He also lacks an arc; he's kick-ass and successful to start with, and he's kick-ass and successful in the end. Of course, he faces some challenges, but he doesn't grow as a result of them. What changes about Nick in the course of this story?

Dialogue:
The dialgoue is solid. I like the inclusion of song lyrics because they play up the rock star angle.

Emotion:
For me, the stakes simply aren't high enough for most of the script. I didn't really care if Nick saved the girls or not - it didn't seem like a mission worthy of an international spy. My instinct is that it would help for Nick and Kate to realize their romantic feelings for each other sooner, and for Kate to be placed in jeopardy earlier. That would allow Nick to be more obviously invested in the situation.