2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Great rewrite. It continues to improve. Can't wait to see the movie.
0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
I Love legends that reveal what we continually search for. It's as old as mankind.
Finalist: Best Test Movie
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie
Tiverton, Rhode Island
February 25, 2011
When I read something that has my total interest, it's difficult to find fault. Simply said,
everything about the script works. It's clean with a lot of white on the pages and still
tells the story well. It's the sign of a very good writer. Period.
For a film like this, it also reinforces the ageless history of storytelling. For me, it's very interesting (and maybe even profound) how writers can make something their own.
At its roots, this story is all about belief(s) and that quest mankind has always
searched for.
A few notes below:
I would have liked to seen Babe described a little more in first intro. (Age also)
(Incidentally, FLO was the name of one of my many commercial fishing boats when I was
starting out in the business:-)))
Page 5) Not sure if it was intentional or not. I saw it as subtext: Black Bronco. Nice.
Page 16) The collage of photos was great, as it told a lot about Babe and Mark's history.
Note: I liked the death wish of Poppy. It was touching, sad, and acceptance.
Page 29) IRENE, the Nanny, nice reversal. Surprise.
Page 54 & 55) I would suggest changing lure(s) to bait(s). I think it reads better and
sounds more Native American.
Page 88) I liked the Biker Choir. Made me smile. Certainly different.
Great job Patsy. Continue the dodge.
Richard Guimond
everything about the script works. It's clean with a lot of white on the pages and still
tells the story well. It's the sign of a very good writer. Period.
For a film like this, it also reinforces the ageless history of storytelling. For me, it's very interesting (and maybe even profound) how writers can make something their own.
At its roots, this story is all about belief(s) and that quest mankind has always
searched for.
A few notes below:
I would have liked to seen Babe described a little more in first intro. (Age also)
(Incidentally, FLO was the name of one of my many commercial fishing boats when I was
starting out in the business:-)))
Page 5) Not sure if it was intentional or not. I saw it as subtext: Black Bronco. Nice.
Page 16) The collage of photos was great, as it told a lot about Babe and Mark's history.
Note: I liked the death wish of Poppy. It was touching, sad, and acceptance.
Page 29) IRENE, the Nanny, nice reversal. Surprise.
Page 54 & 55) I would suggest changing lure(s) to bait(s). I think it reads better and
sounds more Native American.
Page 88) I liked the Biker Choir. Made me smile. Certainly different.
Great job Patsy. Continue the dodge.
Richard Guimond
< Previous | Page: 1 | Next >
Cochise Review.
I only do notes because I think you may be able to improve the story.
Would be better in active voice I think.
"The dead horse is lowered into the crevasse using ropes. A rifle and other Apache war weapons follow."
Passive voice?
"The noise is deafening. Jet airplanes in various states of disrepair fill the open room. Machinists work inside and outside the airplanes."
Great ! the way you reveal that Babe and Mark were lovers and Prom night hanky panky with Babe's sister upsets Babe's life.
That slow reveal over the course of a few scenes held my interest. Very good!
Good but how do we see on screen that Poppy's memorial ...
"Black limousines parked in front. Cars everywhere. Poppy's memorial service is over. People leave the church."
Very interesting story; now near the end. I think you can improve the feel of it if you avoid passive voice. Passive: Something is done to somebody by someone. Active: Somebody does something to somebody.
"Dlo's face registers shock and fear as he hangs onto the horse and the horse's front hooves slide precariously forward.
The horse's eyes are wide with fear. He jerks hard. Dlo is thrown forward off the horse. Dlo hangs onto the horse's mane and looks down into the hot lava."
I like the feeling that the spirits and magic happen in Babe's unconcious state.
Great ending!