All Reviews

Some of the writing in this script is amateurish (it doesn't even have page numbers, for god's sake) but some of it is inspired. The setting is original and seems very real to me. Something about it grabbed me from the beginning and pulled me right through to the end. Despite the gritty setting and profane characters, at its heart is a very sweet story.

Others have complained that the characters are unlikeable, but I was drawn to them.

The structure of the story is sound, although recruiting more gang members to add to the original three-kid posse at the story's three-quarter mark is a misstep, in my opinion. Either introduce more kids at the story's beginning, or just make it the original three kids who storm Jack's house for the climax. Also, having Leo take peyote before the climax just seems dumb to me, and caused me to lose sympathy for him and his cause. This siege is supposed to be everything he's lived for since his brother's death. He's letting the girl he loves get away so that he can go to this final reckoning. By going in stoned (which never really pays off, anyway) he just seems reckless and completely inconsiderate of his friends, who are risking their lives to help him. Now, if he were to *accidentally* ingest peyote and have to carry out the raid anyway, that could be an interesting complication. But it has to actually interfere with the raid in some way.

There are a few places where the story stalls and it seems as if the writer is just killing time, but for the most part it moves along pretty well.

The climax is god awful. I believe the word one of the other reviewers here used to describe it is "inane" and I'd have to agree. The writer has no sense at all of how an action scene is staged, let alone written. All I can say is, "Go get help, girl!" Still, the basic idea of the kids tied up in the basement with a marauding albino alligator could be made to work by someone who knows how to write action.

Forgive me if I'm overstepping my bounds, here, but I'm guessing the writer is very young. But maybe that's also why the script is highly original and has a lot of heart. With a strong director, I think this could be the basis of a moving and absorbing film.

You got it good on some character descriptions. My favorite is “JUSTINE, 19, pretty, pale, huge glasses, American Apparel model style.” I might even edit it down to just “American Apparel model style with a nerdy edge,” or something. I think you could be more creative with the initial descriptions of Leo, Ray, and Chico.

One format issues, I’d add page numbers.

The flow is really nice and the dialogue feels natural. I REALLY like the funeral home description and I would build up the tension a little more in the scene where Jack enters the convenience store.

Dialogue note: LEO Wondering where her mind was. Five bucks
for that? I’d rather go on youporn.com.

I’d format it, “I’d rather go to ‘you porn’ dot com.”

Regarding the Fentanyl injection, if you just want the camera to zoom in on Fentanyl that’s fine, but only some people will get that (that’s fine if that’s what you want.)

Typo: “Bernie plays with a one dollar coin.” Should be: “Bernie PAYS with a one dollar coin.”

The story is excellent. In some way, it reminds of of “The Last Picture Show,” if you haven’t seen it, it’s this cool b&w flick. You’re at a point where you can look individually at each scene and really make sure it’s relevant.

Just my opinion, I’d soften the relationship between father and son.

The story is really, really good. Sex and violence make a story, and yours uses both well. In my humble opinion, you just need to keep trimming stuff. Trim everything and anything that isn’t absolutely essential. (I was taught that, and I have a horrible time actually doing that.)

It’s a long and convoluted review, I know, but I hope something/anything here helps.

Sweet story

Uh, really? This is the first Amazon in Development script I've read and was surprised at how bad it was. It comes across as a juvenile Tarantino-style knockoff. Did I care for this story and these characters? Barely. I really hate criticizing writers. God knows we've all written some crap in our lives. However, this is supposed to be good enough for Development and that is depressing. Who is it at Amazon who reads scripts and makes the big decisions?

On the plus side, I found Jack to be creepy fun. Especially loved the funeral scene where he yells at his mother's casket. Liked the fact he is an illegal animal trader. Feels weirder than if he were just your garden variety psycho. Nice job of writing the local whack job.

The other characters felt oddly interchangeable, even Leo. Lots of hip dialogue that tries to be Tarantino but mostly drags down the story's pace.

Other than that, I don't want to say much except the usual pearl of wisdom: "nobody knows anything" and that could be true of me. Cheers.

I can see how some people would find this a cool, edgy script, but cool and edgy don't always make for an entertaining film. The situations are strange and uncomfortable. The characters are thoroughly unlikeable. On a positive note, some of the dialogue is clever. This will NOT appeal to a wide audience. I read it all the way through only because it won an award and I wanted to know why. Now I want that hour of my life back.

Congratulations on winning for best script for February, 2011 and best of luck with the annual contest (*as Dr. Evil: “One-hundred-thousand-dollars!”)

I apologize in advance for this quick scan of a review–I just wanted to offer this as more of a “thank you” note than anything, because I was relieved to see that Amazon Studios chose a hard R-rated movie that dealt with adult themes.

Seriously.

THE FIRST TEN PAGES

I was hooked when the cougar seduces our hero and drains him, so to speak, on two levels. This was a fresh scene and it reminded me a bit of Nurse Ratched from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST in a bizarre way. Excellent work.

THE REST OF THE STORY

Not sure if I buy that our hero would hide his hard-earned (no pun intended) money inside his bike frame, but the setup does cause instant tension.

BTW–love the title. Reminds me of Frank Zappa.

Probably ought to capitalize coke to Coke (so no one thinks it’s nose candy.)

P40 Bit of a cheat in the visual exposition with “trying to remember where he’s hidden the gun.” Two things–we didn’t see him hide it–and it’s unfilmable. Not only that, it kills suspense.

Pp41-43 I like the riff on the word “mf.”

P49 great character intro here:

TARA, brunet, vulgar, hot, 25, Salvation Army t-shirt and
shorts, holds a small purse that women use to carry
menstrual pads. She seems cranky.

P55 Random note–I like how this story jumps around in time–like the bit where Tara blueballs Jack and he goes to find water so they can have sex. Really strange but feels very realistic–think it works because it’s so weird.

P58 I like the bit–using a metal detector to find a gun he lost–although this is a bit of a cheat, as written. It would be better if his actions were unexplained (meaning that what is written goes beyond what has been shown or what the camera can see.)

P59 Cool bit about dust gathering on body. This vibe reminds me of a movie I love called WAKING LIFE.

P61 cool sex scene (really relieved to read this–really glad this script won)

p62 I like this scene between Justine and Leo–particularly like this bit of dialogue

LEO
Tito, Mark and Nishita’s bro would do
the same for me. My brother would do
the same too. It all comes down to
friendship and brotherhood.
(beat)
Jus, that bastard took away simply
everything from my brother. He can’t
ride a bike, can’t smoke, can’t fuck
hot girls anymore. Do get how big this
is?

P70 Cool bit with gun jamming–nice setup with it being dirty.

P81 Cool bit with tattoo

p82 like the names for the weed

p93 Nice reversal–well done

pp103-104 Nice bit with Bernie’s death

p104 There are a few typos in this that give the script a kind-of alien feel, as if the writer were not a native speaker of English, but that’s not a knock, really, gives the read an exotic feel:

Bernie has a hard time to breath./Bernie has a hard time breathing.

P110 FWIW, in Leo’s dialogue, shotguns don’t fire bullets

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a praiseworthy script that rings true.

I was drawn into this weird story–with its flashbacks and odd characters. As far as mood/tone goes–it reminded me of PULP FICTION–which is an oft-lamented curse for specs–but it felt fresh here.

The downside–the only 4 STAR instead of 5–is to address some typos/errors in grammar, which detract from the read (but also make it oddly fascinating, too.)

Best of luck with this for the annual prize.

And thanks for posting a PDF.

Hints of Larry Clark, Harmony Korine, and Donnie Darko (I would use the director's name, but really that's the only good thing he's done). Reading the synopsis, I thought this film was going to be a mess. I mean, when you read a lot of spec screenplays, you realize that a lot of people who write these things are literally crazy. I was surprised to see this won an award, so I read it. Okay -- this film is not for most people--honestly, even a little too R for my tastes, but, if you like independent cinema, you'll probably like this movie. A stunningly VISUAL film -- it's gonna look great. The synopsis may seem a bit scatter-brained, but the movie didn't ramble. It took a bit to really get into the conflict, but it was interesting enough that I didn't mind. Fairly sound structurally. Nice job. My favorite AS piece so far. REWRITE THE SYNOPSIS--it's your weak link (keep it simple, stupid -- no need even to mention minor characters like Hannah).

I like it.
Good dialogues, good characters, good plot. Almost never predictable.

The only comment I can make is that some characters (like the Jack's ex-girlfriend or Hannah) could be developed better and better integrated into the story. Especially the character of Hannah does not understand where it comes from.

Anyway, well done :)

The basic premise of 3 young BMX riders avenging the murder of one of their brothers is interesting, but this script is bad on so many levels, I don't know where to begin.

The characters are flat and unlikable. I never wanted Leo to succeed. The three boys all sound the same. At points I had no idea which one was speaking.

The dialogue was childish and inane. The secondary characters were unless and the three new friends were introduced FAR too late in the story.

The scene in the diner was completely pointless and the explanation of the M/F definition was childish at best.

The idea of an illegal animal dealer is interesting and there was some tension built into the script, but it all falls apart quickly.

The final scene is just a hodgepodge of bad ideas.
1. Does a killer really tie up 5 boys and then not cover their mouths? Does he allow them to scream when they have 3 hookers upstairs?
2. Using Chico's braces to cut the ropes? Is this an episode of MacGuyver?
3. Putting an alligator in the basement with the boys is just silly. Without weapons, the gator would simply kill the first boy and that would be the end of it. Do a little research here.
4. The scene where everyone is pointing weapons at each other is beyond inane. It's also been used. See reservoir dogs for reference.
5. Why the hell would the 3rd hooker join the fray and not just beat it out of there?

These are just some of the problems I had with the script. Not to mention the endless flashbacks and montages which are cheap story telling devices.

The scene descriptions are vague and unclear. The camera directions and POV"s are for a director, not the writer. Just tell the story.

Not sure how this script made it to the finals, but it needs a MAJOR re-write.

Quirky and affecting, funny and original, this script is a pleasure to read and would make a fantastic film.