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A Refreshing Throwback Comedy for sure to the days of Leslie Nielsen and Steve Martin
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Space for an Office Memento
Glen,
This is a seriously idiosyncratic script. It can’t be pinned to a single genre. In places it is comedy, farce, caper, detective story, black comedy, and romantic comedy. That sort of buckshot approach to writing is normally confusing, but you manage to hold it all together and produce a very enjoyable, and easy, read. There is a sort of constant buzz of enjoyment which permeates the script without ever shutting off.
The detective/caper storyline needs more work than the comedy elements. It feels like it just ends rather than explains itself. And, I’m confused how to interpret Valentino’s biography- was he a legitimate businessman who turned to crime after Vertigo squeezed his market share, or was he always crooked and kinked up even more after Vertigo squeezed him. I say go with the idea that he WASN’T always a crooked insurance salesman, it would add to the farcical elements of your script. A Who’s Afraid of Willie Loman kind of thing. But if this is his biography, play it up more. Have the FBI agents make fun of Zach for being the only guy in the world who needs to fear a life insurance salesman. Also, you don’t tell us what actually led Zach to write the policy in the first place. For a while it seemed he was in on the caper, but by the end it did get muddled- which is okay if you stick more closely to farce. (Which is where I think you need to be considering things like the bullet being stopped by the papers and the magically magnetic dartboard.)
The writing quality is excellent. If it were a metric unto itself, I would give you five stars. The dialogue rings true and the characters sound like who they are. A perfect example is Marcus’ reference to the Calgon ad campaign of the 1980’s. That’s something HE would reference because of his age that someone younger wouldn’t. You match your characters to their colloquialisms with precision. (As an aside, I notice that you include a lot of “unfilmables” in your action descriptions. I’m not sure what to make of this, as it seems to be a rising trend. I’m beginning to wonder if the prohibition on unfilmables is in the process of being repealed. I could come down on either side of the critical divide on unfilmables. I think they probably reduce expositiory dialogue, while also maintaining that revision also reduces expository dialogue. My point in bringing this up is that, if the unfilmables are okay, yours are quite good.)
One thing I did not like was the ubiquity of the word retard. I’m not trying to go all “Sarah Palin” on you either (really, I’m not!). I think two things about its use in your script. First, Marcus’ use of it in the hospital scene DRAINS comedy from the scene and second, too many characters overall use it. I would confine it to Cooper. It fits his personality and in the context of a character like Cooper, it would be funny.
Great work, Glen. I look forward to reading more,
Trevor
which is where I was headed to do. (what for where?) ((lost the pg no. somehow))
pg. 17 Everyone happy now? You get your laughs for the day?
This came through rtf as an action line.
Pg. 22 might have amnesia (Too fast. Probably say something about a concussion before making the leap to amnesia.)
Pg. 23 Although. RTF error
pg. 23 Marcus should come up with a different word for Zach’s condition.
Pg. 27 we've deducted
Pg. 45 slobber on a retard (This marks the fourth character to use this word. I could hang with it for one character, maybe, but by the fourth it constitutes a character voice mistake I would say. I mean, it takes a special type of person to use this word and generally it involves a particular context etc etc. I don’t think a fraud investigator looking into a kickback on a fifty million dollar policy would be the type of person in the type of context that would qualify.)
Pg. 55 some retard (number five) ((I realize that this is used as code to let Marcus know Zach is the one playing darts, but I think, officially, it’s too much.))
Pg. 59 I've ran from
Pg. 65 Marcus hive fives
Pg. 88 who happens to be Valentino Lentini. (said the same thing on 86)
Pg. 98 I need a beer. (That may be the understatement of all time.)
Pg. 102 in a tub of Calgon (very good reference for Marcus to make!)
This is a seriously idiosyncratic script. It can’t be pinned to a single genre. In places it is comedy, farce, caper, detective story, black comedy, and romantic comedy. That sort of buckshot approach to writing is normally confusing, but you manage to hold it all together and produce a very enjoyable, and easy, read. There is a sort of constant buzz of enjoyment which permeates the script without ever shutting off.
The detective/caper storyline needs more work than the comedy elements. It feels like it just ends rather than explains itself. And, I’m confused how to interpret Valentino’s biography- was he a legitimate businessman who turned to crime after Vertigo squeezed his market share, or was he always crooked and kinked up even more after Vertigo squeezed him. I say go with the idea that he WASN’T always a crooked insurance salesman, it would add to the farcical elements of your script. A Who’s Afraid of Willie Loman kind of thing. But if this is his biography, play it up more. Have the FBI agents make fun of Zach for being the only guy in the world who needs to fear a life insurance salesman. Also, you don’t tell us what actually led Zach to write the policy in the first place. For a while it seemed he was in on the caper, but by the end it did get muddled- which is okay if you stick more closely to farce. (Which is where I think you need to be considering things like the bullet being stopped by the papers and the magically magnetic dartboard.)
The writing quality is excellent. If it were a metric unto itself, I would give you five stars. The dialogue rings true and the characters sound like who they are. A perfect example is Marcus’ reference to the Calgon ad campaign of the 1980’s. That’s something HE would reference because of his age that someone younger wouldn’t. You match your characters to their colloquialisms with precision. (As an aside, I notice that you include a lot of “unfilmables” in your action descriptions. I’m not sure what to make of this, as it seems to be a rising trend. I’m beginning to wonder if the prohibition on unfilmables is in the process of being repealed. I could come down on either side of the critical divide on unfilmables. I think they probably reduce expositiory dialogue, while also maintaining that revision also reduces expository dialogue. My point in bringing this up is that, if the unfilmables are okay, yours are quite good.)
One thing I did not like was the ubiquity of the word retard. I’m not trying to go all “Sarah Palin” on you either (really, I’m not!). I think two things about its use in your script. First, Marcus’ use of it in the hospital scene DRAINS comedy from the scene and second, too many characters overall use it. I would confine it to Cooper. It fits his personality and in the context of a character like Cooper, it would be funny.
Great work, Glen. I look forward to reading more,
Trevor
which is where I was headed to do. (what for where?) ((lost the pg no. somehow))
pg. 17 Everyone happy now? You get your laughs for the day?
This came through rtf as an action line.
Pg. 22 might have amnesia (Too fast. Probably say something about a concussion before making the leap to amnesia.)
Pg. 23 Although. RTF error
pg. 23 Marcus should come up with a different word for Zach’s condition.
Pg. 27 we've deducted
Pg. 45 slobber on a retard (This marks the fourth character to use this word. I could hang with it for one character, maybe, but by the fourth it constitutes a character voice mistake I would say. I mean, it takes a special type of person to use this word and generally it involves a particular context etc etc. I don’t think a fraud investigator looking into a kickback on a fifty million dollar policy would be the type of person in the type of context that would qualify.)
Pg. 55 some retard (number five) ((I realize that this is used as code to let Marcus know Zach is the one playing darts, but I think, officially, it’s too much.))
Pg. 59 I've ran from
Pg. 65 Marcus hive fives
Pg. 88 who happens to be Valentino Lentini. (said the same thing on 86)
Pg. 98 I need a beer. (That may be the understatement of all time.)
Pg. 102 in a tub of Calgon (very good reference for Marcus to make!)
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Hilarious
Page 1 “He keeps a watchful eye out for any cleavage revealing low cut shirts. His head sporadically turns from side to side so as not to miss a potential look. Nothing. Disappointed, he continues through the bathroom area on his way to the other side of the building.”
I don’t think this is needed, as it will not be conveyed to the viewer. The reader is aware that he is browsing for women but the viewer wont realize that.
Don’t say, “Cooper stops for a drink from the fountain between the men's and women's restrooms when something catches his attention coming from the men's room. Cooper opens the door slightly and hears LIGHT MOANS. Cooper looks around. Does anyone else notice this? ”
Try to write as concisely as you can. Maybe it could read like this:
“Cooper stops at the water fountain near the bathrooms when a light moan from the men’s room catches his attention. He looks around to see if anyone else notices before cracking the door open.”
Page 5: “Joey is always cracking something” You go on to show him cracking his fingers, etc. The viewer will know that Joey cracks stuff because you show it. The line is not needed.
Page 7: Joey checking his facebook is a good gag.
Page 9: (Opens Cell Phone) we can assume this.
Page 10: “It’s going to be one of those days.” Only the reader will find this valuable as it will never be conveyed to the viewer. The viewer already knows Zach is having a bad day because of what they have seen or heard. They will never be aware of that sentence. Trim the fat or show something. “Zach sighs in defeat” is showing that “it’s going to be one of those days”. I struggle with this also and it’s the only reason I am harking on it. 10 pages in and I like your story, I’m curious to see what happens.
Page 11: “Zach has been trying to get the courage to ask Angela out, but he always seems to back down.” He needs to say this to someone or the viewer will never know this and it is kind of shown with his calling himself stupid and banging his head.
Page 12: Jackson is awesome but I am really confused how they had a picture from a dream or did this really happen and Zach later dreamed about it? If that is the case then the opening scene does not need to be a dream sequence.
Page 24: MARCUS “Son, I hate to say this, but you're retarded.” This line really pays off and I laughed out loud.
DR. EBERSOLE
Yes. According to what your father has told me and what you've stated, we've deducted you're having trouble with about the last year and a half of your memory.
Maybe it could read:
Dr. Ebersole
Yes. It seems you have forgotten the last 18 months.
Page 27: Maybe try to give the Patrons a name or description. It’s funny that they rudely chime in on another person’s conversation but I think a quick description like “Old Lady” or “Truck Driver” would enhance the joke. The whole restaurant chiming in is a great comedic scene with many laughs.
It is hilarious how Marcus takes advantage of his own son for a free lunch.
Page 29: “all of that crap I’ve already done.” This line is hilarious and speaks a lot to Gilbert’s character. Never delete it.
Ok. This script is hilarious and I kind of stopped reviewing it and just enjoyed it. The only thing I could suggest is that you trim, trim, and trim. Show, don’t tell. Some of the dialogue is really blocky and a lot of it could be scrapped while still maintaining the joke. This is really good and I know that the jokes will only get better as you streamline the script. As I mentioned before, you have a lot of action lines that would work great in a novel but are not needed in a script. The action line should be shown on the screen and the dialogue, heard. If it doesn’t fall into one of those categories rewrite it so that it does. Thanks for a funny read and keep working on it because I would pay to see it.
I don’t think this is needed, as it will not be conveyed to the viewer. The reader is aware that he is browsing for women but the viewer wont realize that.
Don’t say, “Cooper stops for a drink from the fountain between the men's and women's restrooms when something catches his attention coming from the men's room. Cooper opens the door slightly and hears LIGHT MOANS. Cooper looks around. Does anyone else notice this? ”
Try to write as concisely as you can. Maybe it could read like this:
“Cooper stops at the water fountain near the bathrooms when a light moan from the men’s room catches his attention. He looks around to see if anyone else notices before cracking the door open.”
Page 5: “Joey is always cracking something” You go on to show him cracking his fingers, etc. The viewer will know that Joey cracks stuff because you show it. The line is not needed.
Page 7: Joey checking his facebook is a good gag.
Page 9: (Opens Cell Phone) we can assume this.
Page 10: “It’s going to be one of those days.” Only the reader will find this valuable as it will never be conveyed to the viewer. The viewer already knows Zach is having a bad day because of what they have seen or heard. They will never be aware of that sentence. Trim the fat or show something. “Zach sighs in defeat” is showing that “it’s going to be one of those days”. I struggle with this also and it’s the only reason I am harking on it. 10 pages in and I like your story, I’m curious to see what happens.
Page 11: “Zach has been trying to get the courage to ask Angela out, but he always seems to back down.” He needs to say this to someone or the viewer will never know this and it is kind of shown with his calling himself stupid and banging his head.
Page 12: Jackson is awesome but I am really confused how they had a picture from a dream or did this really happen and Zach later dreamed about it? If that is the case then the opening scene does not need to be a dream sequence.
Page 24: MARCUS “Son, I hate to say this, but you're retarded.” This line really pays off and I laughed out loud.
DR. EBERSOLE
Yes. According to what your father has told me and what you've stated, we've deducted you're having trouble with about the last year and a half of your memory.
Maybe it could read:
Dr. Ebersole
Yes. It seems you have forgotten the last 18 months.
Page 27: Maybe try to give the Patrons a name or description. It’s funny that they rudely chime in on another person’s conversation but I think a quick description like “Old Lady” or “Truck Driver” would enhance the joke. The whole restaurant chiming in is a great comedic scene with many laughs.
It is hilarious how Marcus takes advantage of his own son for a free lunch.
Page 29: “all of that crap I’ve already done.” This line is hilarious and speaks a lot to Gilbert’s character. Never delete it.
Ok. This script is hilarious and I kind of stopped reviewing it and just enjoyed it. The only thing I could suggest is that you trim, trim, and trim. Show, don’t tell. Some of the dialogue is really blocky and a lot of it could be scrapped while still maintaining the joke. This is really good and I know that the jokes will only get better as you streamline the script. As I mentioned before, you have a lot of action lines that would work great in a novel but are not needed in a script. The action line should be shown on the screen and the dialogue, heard. If it doesn’t fall into one of those categories rewrite it so that it does. Thanks for a funny read and keep working on it because I would pay to see it.
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people found the following review helpful:
Spot on!
I really enjoyed this screenplay. Neat twists and turns. I loved the ending with Mob boss.
Great Job. Glen, I have seen your exhaustive reviews and you would make a great editor too.
I finally got a PDF converter called Docsmartz that coverted the file as is and gave me a good download.
Rick Leverette
Good luck to you.
Great Job. Glen, I have seen your exhaustive reviews and you would make a great editor too.
I finally got a PDF converter called Docsmartz that coverted the file as is and gave me a good download.
Rick Leverette
Good luck to you.
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Pg. 1 The tone of the screenplay is set beautifully from go, this guy Zach has problems to say the least!
Pg. 5-6 the dialog between Zach and Rufus is spot on, to the point and short! Suggestion: Although Dialog is great this scene is way too long 6-9, that’s 3 mins of convo that can be shortened.
Pg. 10 period after…idea.
Pg. 11 the introduction of Angela, the commentary about Zach trying to get to know angela is telling language, just show by action that he is nervous around her.
Pg. 15 Giving Zach a hand action is totally hilarious! hehehehe
Pg. 13-16 Although the scene about Zach and the pic is funny, I would suggest shortening it, remember you have to move the scenes along and we just cannot watch on film this scene for 3 minutes!
Pg. 27 Marcus dialog about Zach being Retarded made me laugh for 2 minutes!lololololol
Pg. 40 by this page We need a little back story to this Mob Boss and the insurance policy and yes it’s a lot of money which is a motivation to be after it regardless but we need to have some scenes of Rufus and Jackson and what they are wanting to do with this money…what else is motivating them besides just the money, if there is something make it more clearer.
Pg. 42 Bottom where Zach Eerily Feels…I would suggest showing Eerily feels instead of telling, remember that we cannot see into the mind of characters on film. As with the next action piece…As he knows he needs to put on a great performance (Again asking us to see into the mind of the characters)
Pg. 45-46 Angela and Zach’s dialog is spot on!
Pg. 51 Not sure why there’s underlining?
Pg. 61 Great dialog when Angela asks Zach about deep dark secrets…None that I know of!lol
Pg. 71 I really suggest that the Agents be brought on the scene much sooner than this. Maybe in the very beginning of the screenplay as this could add more dramatics that you need regarding the involvement of this “mob family” up until this point other than being a mob family and wanting the money what else is driving them…(I’m just not buying the Set up to get back at the Insurance companies…no one in their right or insane mind would do that, add something a bit more dramatic than this and believable) Adding in those dramatic subplots (critical to comedies as well) are very important to keep the story moving.
Pg. 93 Love Love Valentino’s response, last action on the page where he states after all this time, he’s not in the business of killing anymore…I laughed for 3 mins on that one!
Pg. 112 Absolutely Love the Ending with Valentino trying to fake Amnesia now!
Overall: I liked this Screenplay, plenty of comedy and laughs. I think the comedic timing was good also, with any comedy the timing has to be spot on and I think this was the strongest aspect of the screenplay. The dialog was also good and not too forced. As far as the action scenes, there was a little too much telling instead of showing what we will see and hear, too much delving into the minds of the characters which just don’t translate onto film. Also I would have liked to have seen stronger more dramatic subplots, even slapstick comedies have to have believable dramatics and subplots as silly as they may be to keep the story moving. I think with some tweaks here and there this screenplay could be ready to go to screen! Great Job Glen
Miriam Adams-Washington