1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
I like...
0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Financial Skullduggery in the Islands
Hey Marty,
I like your pacing a lot. We jump, we jump, we jump again. I tried reading your first draft a month or two ago and I bailed. This is a big improvement. Still a bit of a slog in the second act. I think you are one or two drafts away from an excellent screenplay.
I love the idea, "James Bond of Finance." I like Geoff, I like his brashness, his backstory, how he gets kicked out of the IRS. I like how he starts to work for a shadowy outfit called FinCEN. And they really exist! So that's cool. And I love how he's going undercover.
I'm disappointed in your bad guys. Thrillers like this live or die on the strength of your antagonist. Your bad guys have a lot of potential but right now they suck. I thought Rupert was going to be an excellent bad guy. Rich, arrogant, smug, I hated him. I thought he was great. But you did nothing with him. He was just a red herring to get us to the islands. You get rid of him in a total humiliating anti-climax.
Your real bad guy (I guess) is Marshall Shore and the CIA. I do not think you have handled them well at all. For instance, our introduction to the CIA. Why does the CIA care if somebody is on Rupert's boat? What the hell is Rupert to them? The CIA is tied in with Marshall Shore, not Rupert. And also the CIA would not identify themselves as CIA. They're acting like rent-a-cops. It was pretty absurd, I thought.
Geoff should discover they are CIA the hard way. Maybe he sees them talking with Marshall Shore and he photographs them. And IDs them from the photographs. Maybe he fights one of them, knocks them unconscious, and snags an ID. Something. You need to build suspense, really work our emotions.
For most of the second act, I never got the vibe that Geoff was in any danger. Even a little thing would help. For instance, he runs into Rupert, and Rupert stares at him. Any opportunity to increase suspense or excitement, you should take it. Maybe Rupert recognizes him? Why not?
There's very little suspense in your second act. You need to increase the danger to Geoff. For instance, when he breaks into the headquarters, make him a climb a wall, knock out a security guard, take out a security camera, something. Instead you've got him watching a 60 Minutes episode? And looking up his Dad?
I would cut out the entire cocaine subplot. And the Mafia subplot. You've got way too much plot and exposition as it is. You don't need to get us into drugs, too. Let's stay out of Mexico. He's a finance guy. Keep us dealing with finance. I think you should eliminate like 30% of your plot. Simplify, clarify, and increase the danger and suspense.
Maybe have your bad guys kill somebody early in the screenplay. So we know they are bad.
I was expecting some sort of financial plot, Geoff vs. Rupert. Like Geoff scams all his millions away from him. Outwits him. Instead he frames him with cocaine? Not only was it anti-climactic, it was really sleazy. Geoff's a likable guy, keep him likable.
I felt like the third act was really rushed. I hated the flashback with Robert. Can you imagine a James Bond where they have some flashback with M 30 years ago? Lame. I feel like the Marshall Shore reveal should be handled a completely different way. I'm not sure how, but a phone conversation with his boss is not the way to do this.
I like his romance with the bad girl. They had real conversations and flirting. It seemed like a real relationship. And I like how she pushed the security guy off the balcony. Nice visual.
In general I love your quick pacing. But your first couple of scenes left me confused. You introduce us to Geoff and then blow up the ship. I still don't know who he is! And then you introduce us to a bunch of characters and I don't know who they are. It's only when you say "James Bond of finance" that I actually get that Geoff is a good guy and I settle down.
But the big structural problems are in the second act. I would reduce, simplify, keep the exposition as minimal as you can without losing us, and ratchet up the suspense, danger, and intrigue.
I feel like this one has huge potential. You have all the parts in place, just need to work on the structure. Good luck with it.
I like your pacing a lot. We jump, we jump, we jump again. I tried reading your first draft a month or two ago and I bailed. This is a big improvement. Still a bit of a slog in the second act. I think you are one or two drafts away from an excellent screenplay.
I love the idea, "James Bond of Finance." I like Geoff, I like his brashness, his backstory, how he gets kicked out of the IRS. I like how he starts to work for a shadowy outfit called FinCEN. And they really exist! So that's cool. And I love how he's going undercover.
I'm disappointed in your bad guys. Thrillers like this live or die on the strength of your antagonist. Your bad guys have a lot of potential but right now they suck. I thought Rupert was going to be an excellent bad guy. Rich, arrogant, smug, I hated him. I thought he was great. But you did nothing with him. He was just a red herring to get us to the islands. You get rid of him in a total humiliating anti-climax.
Your real bad guy (I guess) is Marshall Shore and the CIA. I do not think you have handled them well at all. For instance, our introduction to the CIA. Why does the CIA care if somebody is on Rupert's boat? What the hell is Rupert to them? The CIA is tied in with Marshall Shore, not Rupert. And also the CIA would not identify themselves as CIA. They're acting like rent-a-cops. It was pretty absurd, I thought.
Geoff should discover they are CIA the hard way. Maybe he sees them talking with Marshall Shore and he photographs them. And IDs them from the photographs. Maybe he fights one of them, knocks them unconscious, and snags an ID. Something. You need to build suspense, really work our emotions.
For most of the second act, I never got the vibe that Geoff was in any danger. Even a little thing would help. For instance, he runs into Rupert, and Rupert stares at him. Any opportunity to increase suspense or excitement, you should take it. Maybe Rupert recognizes him? Why not?
There's very little suspense in your second act. You need to increase the danger to Geoff. For instance, when he breaks into the headquarters, make him a climb a wall, knock out a security guard, take out a security camera, something. Instead you've got him watching a 60 Minutes episode? And looking up his Dad?
I would cut out the entire cocaine subplot. And the Mafia subplot. You've got way too much plot and exposition as it is. You don't need to get us into drugs, too. Let's stay out of Mexico. He's a finance guy. Keep us dealing with finance. I think you should eliminate like 30% of your plot. Simplify, clarify, and increase the danger and suspense.
Maybe have your bad guys kill somebody early in the screenplay. So we know they are bad.
I was expecting some sort of financial plot, Geoff vs. Rupert. Like Geoff scams all his millions away from him. Outwits him. Instead he frames him with cocaine? Not only was it anti-climactic, it was really sleazy. Geoff's a likable guy, keep him likable.
I felt like the third act was really rushed. I hated the flashback with Robert. Can you imagine a James Bond where they have some flashback with M 30 years ago? Lame. I feel like the Marshall Shore reveal should be handled a completely different way. I'm not sure how, but a phone conversation with his boss is not the way to do this.
I like his romance with the bad girl. They had real conversations and flirting. It seemed like a real relationship. And I like how she pushed the security guy off the balcony. Nice visual.
In general I love your quick pacing. But your first couple of scenes left me confused. You introduce us to Geoff and then blow up the ship. I still don't know who he is! And then you introduce us to a bunch of characters and I don't know who they are. It's only when you say "James Bond of finance" that I actually get that Geoff is a good guy and I settle down.
But the big structural problems are in the second act. I would reduce, simplify, keep the exposition as minimal as you can without losing us, and ratchet up the suspense, danger, and intrigue.
I feel like this one has huge potential. You have all the parts in place, just need to work on the structure. Good luck with it.
< Previous | Page: 1 | Next >
- the protagonist is too skilled. He seems Bruce Willis in "The last boy scout" without his defects.
- there are too many flashbacks to not be a movie made of flashbacks. You might think of turning it into a flashbacks movie. I do not think it would lose the action and suspense.
Anyway, I like it. Well done!