First off, well done, this is solidly done sci-fi. More importantly than that, the screenplay is well organized, well written, and very readable. The characters are interesting, distinct, and very likeable (I really enjoyed the Electon/MIPS relationship; it’ll work well on film). I’ve got a couple of suggestions, but they’re all minor.
I find it really hard to believe that the governments of the world wouldn’t stop everything to negotiate before trying to attack the vastly superior ship directly. Maybe they tried, but it got lost in my reading, but you really have impress that any negotiations have failed and that the attack is the last resort (otherwise, if we turn to violence first, are we worth saving?). This could even be a small line from one of the generals. Something like, “We’ve tried contacting them, nothing’s getting through,” or “It’s clear diplomacy won’t work here, you’re all we’ve got,” would work fine, and wouldn’t require a big change.
In the scene after the first assault, going over why the new computers failed: Even today, basic satellites’ computers are calibrated for relativistic effects (the gps satellites, for example). So the fact that the RAM computers don’t have this factor programmed in shouldn’t be treated as a simple oversight, but rather as a serious mistake in programming, or the product of a rushed production period. Also, E=mc2 doesn’t really apply to this use of relativity, and should only be used if MIPS is toying with the astronauts, trying to feed them the answer of “relativity.”
What happened to Mike, from the beginning? I’m assuming that he lives, but after that initial scene, nothing is really done with him. Perhaps if he’d died in the plane crash, that event would resonate more strongly with Captain Andrews, maybe even taken him away from flying for a bit. I really like the opening scene, and how you call back to it during the climax, but I think it could be even stronger.
You’ve got a really cool concept here, and the potential for an exciting movie. Good luck with the project.
I find it really hard to believe that the governments of the world wouldn’t stop everything to negotiate before trying to attack the vastly superior ship directly. Maybe they tried, but it got lost in my reading, but you really have impress that any negotiations have failed and that the attack is the last resort (otherwise, if we turn to violence first, are we worth saving?). This could even be a small line from one of the generals. Something like, “We’ve tried contacting them, nothing’s getting through,” or “It’s clear diplomacy won’t work here, you’re all we’ve got,” would work fine, and wouldn’t require a big change.
In the scene after the first assault, going over why the new computers failed: Even today, basic satellites’ computers are calibrated for relativistic effects (the gps satellites, for example). So the fact that the RAM computers don’t have this factor programmed in shouldn’t be treated as a simple oversight, but rather as a serious mistake in programming, or the product of a rushed production period. Also, E=mc2 doesn’t really apply to this use of relativity, and should only be used if MIPS is toying with the astronauts, trying to feed them the answer of “relativity.”
What happened to Mike, from the beginning? I’m assuming that he lives, but after that initial scene, nothing is really done with him. Perhaps if he’d died in the plane crash, that event would resonate more strongly with Captain Andrews, maybe even taken him away from flying for a bit. I really like the opening scene, and how you call back to it during the climax, but I think it could be even stronger.
You’ve got a really cool concept here, and the potential for an exciting movie. Good luck with the project.