Your script is very hard to hold on to for the first fifty pages or so. It keeps a secret from its reader which endangers the reader’s ability to keep going with the read. Until we get the first real idea what that secret is (page 56), ALL of Evan’s actions seem unbelievable. You give us the one hint (around page 10- with the flashback) and then you force march us through 45 pages of Evan’s increasingly bizarre (from the reader’s perspective) behavior.
So, I guess my question is: Do you think the dramatic payoff of withholding Evan’s sacrifice makes up for the strain on credulity that is the first 50? I didn’t begin to empathize with Evan until he told me about his Red Walk because I was wondering what his problem was. Why was he not mourning his brother’s death? How could he, in a split second, decide to switch places with his dead brother and not feel anything other than remorse, guilt, a limitless dirtiness?
My take on this question is that it is an unnecessary dilemma. It seems to me that Devan could die in the accident and Evan could mourn him, and then Evan could just show up at school in the fall and take his place. I realize that this would require some massive reformulating of the story in terms of plot points and timeframes- and it would cause problems in its own right. (Becky’s story arc being the most obvious example.) But I also think it would ease the reader into the story rather than drowning him/her in it.
The things I loved about this script were Ace’s story- that is a homerun (and somehow I missed it even after Becky said she was pregnant)- and the have's vs. the have’s not storyline. Evan may be Urban Poor and I may be born and raised Appalachia Poor- but believe me, I get it.
Trevor
Pg. 1 (breathes a big sigh)--- The parenthetical duplicates the previous action line.
Pg. 3 has a innocent
Pg. 4 He flicks light switch
Pg. 5 laps start
Pg. 6 of his friends past
Pg. 7 until they finally each
Pg. 7 bruise cover his chest
Pg. 8 louder into Juans
Pg. 8 She looks at the men wonder why she is on the floor. (Although technically correct, this sentence is hard to work out. I would recast.)
(This review is almost entirely spoilers.)
Your script is very hard to hold on to for the first fifty pages or so. It keeps a secret from its reader which endangers the reader’s ability to keep going with the read. Until we get the first real idea what that secret is (page 56), ALL of Evan’s actions seem unbelievable. You give us the one hint (around page 10- with the flashback) and then you force march us through 45 pages of Evan’s increasingly bizarre (from the reader’s perspective) behavior.
So, I guess my question is: Do you think the dramatic payoff of withholding Evan’s sacrifice makes up for the strain on credulity that is the first 50? I didn’t begin to empathize with Evan until he told me about his Red Walk because I was wondering what his problem was. Why was he not mourning his brother’s death? How could he, in a split second, decide to switch places with his dead brother and not feel anything other than remorse, guilt, a limitless dirtiness?
My take on this question is that it is an unnecessary dilemma. It seems to me that Devan could die in the accident and Evan could mourn him, and then Evan could just show up at school in the fall and take his place. I realize that this would require some massive reformulating of the story in terms of plot points and timeframes- and it would cause problems in its own right. (Becky’s story arc being the most obvious example.) But I also think it would ease the reader into the story rather than drowning him/her in it.
The things I loved about this script were Ace’s story- that is a homerun (and somehow I missed it even after Becky said she was pregnant)- and the have's vs. the have’s not storyline. Evan may be Urban Poor and I may be born and raised Appalachia Poor- but believe me, I get it.
Trevor
Pg. 1 (breathes a big sigh)--- The parenthetical duplicates the previous action line.
Pg. 3 has a innocent
Pg. 4 He flicks light switch
Pg. 5 laps start
Pg. 6 of his friends past
Pg. 7 until they finally each
Pg. 7 bruise cover his chest
Pg. 8 louder into Juans
Pg. 8 She looks at the men wonder why she is on the floor. (Although technically correct, this sentence is hard to work out. I would recast.)
Pg. 10 the Devan's face
Pg. 10 The cell phone thing is poignant.
Pg. 17 stairs toward exit.
Pg. 19 on his conversion
Pg. 22 He habitually walks down (wc)
Pg. 25 those weight a
Pg. 25 learn new things
Pg. 26 Devan, I think learned
Pg. 27 He turns to be facing a woman,
Pg. 28 He slides on to floor
Pg. 30 told me she watching
Pg. 31 but then look back
Pg. 33 one of principles your brother
Pg. 33 Turning off the car and he looks
Pg. 35 reads them intuitively (wc)
Pg. 40 wood expect to
Pg. 41 How are my they
Pg. 44 by the Lee's
Pg. 48 puts a smile
Pg. 48 They're obvious to
Pg. 54 Your (a great study…)
Pg. 55 They puts their arms over
Pg. 55 ever have to 10 page
Pg. 56 The story begins here.
Pg. 59 He stands up(.)
Pg. 59 at the ceiling referencing (wc)
Pg. 62 Well, one of reasons
Pg. 64 solitary all sudden
Pg. 64 box of Kripey Kreme
Pg. 65 her book bag (in)
Pg. 65 I got home safely
Pg. 67 believe we did well on
Pg. 68 He pulls younger Devan (? Twins???)
Pg. 68 brings Vanessa a close
Pg. 69 she looks Evan who
Pg. 69 He shield her
Pg. 71 kidding around
Pg. 71 his shirt to shows his
Pg. 73 While he eating he glimpses
Pg. 73 He stairs
Pg. 73 see that its
Pg. 76 black lights illuminate are all around
Pg. 81 her and playfully wrestle
Pg. 82 going to find out truth
Pg. 82 when your with me
Pg. 83 at a lost for
Pg. 86 He pats Evan on his the
Pg. 88 Everyone in the table stops
Pg. 91 I hope your not staying
Pg. 91 Thanks baby your
Pg. 92 He pauses when he read
Pg. 92 An empty dinner plates
Pg. 93 Becky's anger is subsided
Pg. 94 Starring proudly
Pg. 95 you knew most the board
Pg. 95 that gets application
Pg. 96 He hands on glass to
Pg. 99 Is there a Evan or Devan
Pg. 100 Your not giving me
Pg. 101 you're right
Pg. 108 and focus his attention