This script was a very interesting read. From a pure story standpoint it's a great mix of drama with a small twist of the (potential) science fiction. I say potential, because of the new ending, which I'll get to later. But back to the story itself, I was very intrigued right off the bat. The simple setup of a man not showing up for work and then being found dead really worked for me. It's simple and realistic, which is why I liked it. From there, you throw just enough twists and turns, and mystery into the story to keep it intriguing to the very end.
I thought the characters of Dom and Lahnagan were very well developed. Some of the secondary characters (Celeste and Jennifer) were even developed more than some main characters I have read in other scripts, so good job with that too. When it comes to Dom though, you paint a really good picture of where he stands in life and his relationship with Calvin. Again, well done.
I really liked the quick discovery of Calvin's body in the first few pages. It really grabbed the attention. At first I thought the turnaround from it being a suicide to a murder investigation was a bit too quick, but after reading the rest of the script it worked. Why spend time thinking about it being a suicide when it's not, right? As it is now, it works as a sort of one-two punch. First the shock to Dom that Calvin is dead, then finding out someone killed him. Bam.
I do have a few questions/suggestions:
- I thought some of the opening scenes of Dom's search for Calvin were a bit too much. Do we really need to read about Dom go through every room of Calvin's house before finding him? I think it could be tightened up by simply saying that Dom took a quick look around the first floor, saw the unfinished meal, then headed upstairs when he didn't find Calvin downstairs.
Page 53 - "Kyle expresses shock." His reaction would probably be a little more than shock after getting stabbed in the neck. I think adding some more description here wouldn't hurt. After all, it is the first time we see Celeste in action. It's a big reveal, make it as big as possible on the page.
Why doesn't Dom ever ask Celeste what it is that she has to tell the people she's looking for? He goes along with helping her find the people, but never asks her what she is doing (unless I missed something.) This seems like a logical enough question for Dom to ask if he was going to help her.
Page 85 - The description of Dom and the phone on this page was a little heavy. Yes, we need to see that he's struggling with the decision to call the police, but do we need to see a step by step description of it?
I wouldn't mind there being at least one other mention of Manny earlier in the script. He seems to come out of nowhere when Jennifer finally talks about it. Yes, there's that short scene of him staring at Calvin's house, but I think adding in a quick mention of him by Jennifer earlier would help solidify his presence in the world of the story instead of having him just come in at the end to be the bad guy. It could even be a quick mention of 'my boyfriend' by Jennifer, just something to connect the reader back to this character.
I agree with your notes on this version of the script, the last two pages of the ending felt very tacked on. While it does add a further twist at the end, I think the story works just fine without those last two pages. In fact, it works even better without them because it allows for the mystery of Celeste to persist instead of trying to explain who she really is. Those last two pages felt like they came from a completely different script.
I think the original ending works as is, but I might even suggest losing a bit of the exposition by Jennifer and Lahnagan. Having them explain that the FBI found extra clothes in the woods and somehow knew Celeste was hiding in the house sort of takes away from her mystery. It shifts Celeste's origins more toward her just being a crazy person and not being from the future. I think leaving it even more ambiguous allows the reader more of an opportunity to make their own decision.
One other thought. Perhaps Celeste's story can end a little different. Does she have to die at the end? Maybe she tries, but is unsuccessful. She ends up in some psych ward but no one can get her to talk, so she's still there and available to Dom, Lahnagan, the FBI, whoever, but they can't get answers from her. She's just out of reach and remains a mystery. Just a thought anyway.
Overall, you have a great story here. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more.
I thought the characters of Dom and Lahnagan were very well developed. Some of the secondary characters (Celeste and Jennifer) were even developed more than some main characters I have read in other scripts, so good job with that too. When it comes to Dom though, you paint a really good picture of where he stands in life and his relationship with Calvin. Again, well done.
I really liked the quick discovery of Calvin's body in the first few pages. It really grabbed the attention. At first I thought the turnaround from it being a suicide to a murder investigation was a bit too quick, but after reading the rest of the script it worked. Why spend time thinking about it being a suicide when it's not, right? As it is now, it works as a sort of one-two punch. First the shock to Dom that Calvin is dead, then finding out someone killed him. Bam.
I do have a few questions/suggestions:
- I thought some of the opening scenes of Dom's search for Calvin were a bit too much. Do we really need to read about Dom go through every room of Calvin's house before finding him? I think it could be tightened up by simply saying that Dom took a quick look around the first floor, saw the unfinished meal, then headed upstairs when he didn't find Calvin downstairs.
Page 53 - "Kyle expresses shock." His reaction would probably be a little more than shock after getting stabbed in the neck. I think adding some more description here wouldn't hurt. After all, it is the first time we see Celeste in action. It's a big reveal, make it as big as possible on the page.
Why doesn't Dom ever ask Celeste what it is that she has to tell the people she's looking for? He goes along with helping her find the people, but never asks her what she is doing (unless I missed something.) This seems like a logical enough question for Dom to ask if he was going to help her.
Page 85 - The description of Dom and the phone on this page was a little heavy. Yes, we need to see that he's struggling with the decision to call the police, but do we need to see a step by step description of it?
I wouldn't mind there being at least one other mention of Manny earlier in the script. He seems to come out of nowhere when Jennifer finally talks about it. Yes, there's that short scene of him staring at Calvin's house, but I think adding in a quick mention of him by Jennifer earlier would help solidify his presence in the world of the story instead of having him just come in at the end to be the bad guy. It could even be a quick mention of 'my boyfriend' by Jennifer, just something to connect the reader back to this character.
I agree with your notes on this version of the script, the last two pages of the ending felt very tacked on. While it does add a further twist at the end, I think the story works just fine without those last two pages. In fact, it works even better without them because it allows for the mystery of Celeste to persist instead of trying to explain who she really is. Those last two pages felt like they came from a completely different script.
I think the original ending works as is, but I might even suggest losing a bit of the exposition by Jennifer and Lahnagan. Having them explain that the FBI found extra clothes in the woods and somehow knew Celeste was hiding in the house sort of takes away from her mystery. It shifts Celeste's origins more toward her just being a crazy person and not being from the future. I think leaving it even more ambiguous allows the reader more of an opportunity to make their own decision.
One other thought. Perhaps Celeste's story can end a little different. Does she have to die at the end? Maybe she tries, but is unsuccessful. She ends up in some psych ward but no one can get her to talk, so she's still there and available to Dom, Lahnagan, the FBI, whoever, but they can't get answers from her. She's just out of reach and remains a mystery. Just a thought anyway.
Overall, you have a great story here. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more.