3
out of
5
people found the following review helpful:
Very good Premise
Finalist: Best Sci-Fi/Action Script
Semifinalist: Best Script, Best Sci-Fi/Action Script
New Jersey
March 06, 2011
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Those reading SPOILERS may be below be careful.
First, Here are some errors I found while reading.
Page1 Bottom third. Extra space before period.
Page 9,26,29,30,31,41,43,68,73,80,85 there seems to be a number of places where your dialogue is split by an extra line. I am not sure if this is done on purpose or not, but I would double check this. It was a little distracting.
Page 15 Allen is not a name so shouldn’t be capitalized. (nit picking I know but anything helps)
Page 20 half way down. It looks like part of Mark's dialogue should be formatted to be Action.
Page 53 were you a romance novelist in previous life? Woo hot stuff.
Page 61 Half way where Fran’s dialogue is cutoff by Jake. Instead of “…” use “--“ That is the indication of abruptly stopping. “…” usually means trailing off or pausing.
Page 64 Top Jeremy’s dialogue. I am not sure that was supposed to be removed or what. It doesn’t make any sense in relation to previous dialogue.
71 bottom half. Olison – Olsen.
Ok, now my subjective ramblings. You can take these suggestions or not. It’s totally up to you. I will start with specific examples and then go into general observations.
Page 32 when Mark promises he will be there and nothing can stop him. I found this to be a bit obvious that in fact he will not be there and sure enough later on he didn’t make it. I think situations like this are way over used nowadays so maybe try to switch it up. Your whole point of this is to show the practical need for the device while at the same time finding a way to allow Jake to meet Fran and sweep her off her feet. I think this can still be done without introducing clichéd scenarios.
Page 33 Jake's whole world has just crashed. I think this needs a bit of expansion. Maybe have a scene in the hospital with his test subjects to show the gravity of the situation.
Page 42 When Mark explains that Tom is going to investigate the sabotage. I think you need to follow up with this. It kind of disappears.
Page 46 “Fringing”? I think Jake would use the actual word don’t you?
Page 62 Mark is in Jake’s apartment and he is reading the notes. I think this is a little contrived. I don’t think Jake would need to write himself a note reminding him to kill someone or to sabotage his project. Have Mark find actual evidence. I know you have a great imagination you can come up with something.
Page 71 Olsen can just say “Thanks for the call” no need to explain Cell phone etc.
Page 74 Jail escape scenario. These are really tough to do. It almost always needs to involve an inept guard and I find it really hard to believe any guard would be so dumb to give a prisoner an unknown device like that even if he says it’s a radio. I would work to clean this up a bit. Can be a bit contrived.
Ok here are my general observations.
You have a very good writing structure. When it comes to your descriptions and actions. I felt it read well and easily. Not too much, not too little. Just enough to get an understanding of what’s happening. Great job here.
Your premise is very interesting. I like it and you certainly have taken a lot of time setting up your world. This is very good. It puts a certain believability factor to your story. I believed that this device could allow people to travel through walls. Good job here. But calling it “a device” got a little boring. Give it a name. Have Jake and Jeremy start to get a little cocky and come up with a snazzy name for it. This will allow the device itself become a character in your story. When it comes to your story, It’s not what I was expecting. I think that with a breakthrough like this, Mark would have to protect his invention from people stealing it to use for evil rather than a single guy trying to sabotage it. I think the story needs to be spiced up a bit. Maybe expand more on the mob wanting the device for robbing banks etc. have Jake be more of a part of that. Your main characters, for the most part, are well defined. Although, reading your previous logline I think you decided to make a change to Jake's character. Instead of being a demented serial killer, you decided to just make him jealous colleague. Which is OK, I would just maybe add a little more background to him. i.e. Why he is so desperate to sabotage Mark? Expand more on his debt etc…
All in all a very nice SP. Still needs some toning up a bit. Keep at it.
Suggested Logline:
After making a major scientific breakthrough for mankind, a brilliant scientists must protect his work and the love of his life from a jealous colleague out to sabotage him and his reputation.