3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
A Well Written Thriller, With Good Action Set Pieces
3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
MIXED GENRE GEM
Thrillomedy, actionomedy, thrillactomedy, mystomedy… What ever you want to call this mixed genre screenplay, Frame-up is damned funny and a page turner—great fun to read.
Mixed genre stories can be a trial to write, it takes a steady hand to mix the genres evenly, and Taylor Carmichael does an outstanding job mixing laughs with tension. The scenes jumped off the page, the same way they will jump off the screen—this screenplay should and, I predict, will be made into a movie.
The writer kept me enthralled; there was never a dull moment. I liked the gutsy young heroine, Kari, and how she handled the conflicts that she faced at every turn—and this story took her down one-hell-of-a twisted path. Talk about put your protagonist up a tree and throw rocks at her: She wakes up with a dead guy she doesn’t know, holding a bloody knife, then finds out she’s been poisoned, the cops are after her, a bunch of killer bad guys are on her trail, and they’ve kidnapped her brother, whom she has to rescue. That’s a tall job for any college girl.
I think this screenplay needs one more polish, I agree with Richard Taylor, there are spots it could be grittier, and there are a few typos and omissions. But all and all, this one is a winner.
Wally Lane
Mixed genre stories can be a trial to write, it takes a steady hand to mix the genres evenly, and Taylor Carmichael does an outstanding job mixing laughs with tension. The scenes jumped off the page, the same way they will jump off the screen—this screenplay should and, I predict, will be made into a movie.
The writer kept me enthralled; there was never a dull moment. I liked the gutsy young heroine, Kari, and how she handled the conflicts that she faced at every turn—and this story took her down one-hell-of-a twisted path. Talk about put your protagonist up a tree and throw rocks at her: She wakes up with a dead guy she doesn’t know, holding a bloody knife, then finds out she’s been poisoned, the cops are after her, a bunch of killer bad guys are on her trail, and they’ve kidnapped her brother, whom she has to rescue. That’s a tall job for any college girl.
I think this screenplay needs one more polish, I agree with Richard Taylor, there are spots it could be grittier, and there are a few typos and omissions. But all and all, this one is a winner.
Wally Lane
2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Hitchcock is smiling on this one. And if Cary Grant was a woman he would own Kari Sparks.
Finalist: Best Test Movie
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie
Tiverton, Rhode Island
March 25, 2011
The set-up hits you on page one and keeps moving like a freight train with plenty of surprises. Our lead Kari Sparks grows on you, but it would be nice to know a little more back story about her life. Maybe something that would reveal her abilities/resourcefulness that she clearly shows through the script how to beat the bad guys. She handles a bow and a bike fairly well, almost too well. She could almost be a female spy herself.
There are a number of excellent, funny lines that crackle. (The virgin dialogues. Ivan is a hoot. Stupid tie, etc. )
On the virgin issue: It was funny, but I briefly wondered if someone who is about to die would truly be occupied with getting laid. (Then again, maybe I would:-)))) Anyway, probably a small point.
Page 31, Linda was a nice, big surprise.
By page 92, I believe there were something like 49 characters (give or take) and one dog. It is a little overwhelming with those many characters.
On the tattoo issue, it might be better if it was done in a magic marker. Getting a tattoo (the right way)is a little tricky with the needle and assorted equipment. Kari will now go through life with this tattoo, unless she has it removed:-)))) (Just a thought.)
I also thought that the cops shooting (early on) at her was a little bit of a stretch; after all, she was just a suspect or maybe I missed something.
The airplane scene was a little unbelievable, but hell it is a movie. It also went on a little too long, I thought, but that's just me.
The script had plenty of white on the pages and appeared without mistakes, and if I missed any, it was because I was enjoying the read too much.
All in all, a very good job. By the way, as a former deep-sea lobsterman, how do they make Lobster Colorado?
Good luck,
Richard Guimond
There are a number of excellent, funny lines that crackle. (The virgin dialogues. Ivan is a hoot. Stupid tie, etc. )
On the virgin issue: It was funny, but I briefly wondered if someone who is about to die would truly be occupied with getting laid. (Then again, maybe I would:-)))) Anyway, probably a small point.
Page 31, Linda was a nice, big surprise.
By page 92, I believe there were something like 49 characters (give or take) and one dog. It is a little overwhelming with those many characters.
On the tattoo issue, it might be better if it was done in a magic marker. Getting a tattoo (the right way)is a little tricky with the needle and assorted equipment. Kari will now go through life with this tattoo, unless she has it removed:-)))) (Just a thought.)
I also thought that the cops shooting (early on) at her was a little bit of a stretch; after all, she was just a suspect or maybe I missed something.
The airplane scene was a little unbelievable, but hell it is a movie. It also went on a little too long, I thought, but that's just me.
The script had plenty of white on the pages and appeared without mistakes, and if I missed any, it was because I was enjoying the read too much.
All in all, a very good job. By the way, as a former deep-sea lobsterman, how do they make Lobster Colorado?
Good luck,
Richard Guimond
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Nice ride
Winner: Best Test Movie, Best Script
Finalist: Best Test Movie, Best Script, Best Comedy Script
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie, Best Script, Best Comedy Script
Columbus
August 04, 2011
What a nice little ride this is. You keep and maintain the chase piece swimmingly from page 1 to page 110. You have a strong mix of characters, a nice plot, and strong writing to support it.
For me my issues are few, which makes it harder to give good notes. However there are a few things that can help elevate it to another level.
Tone: I had a hard time getting a read on the tone you were going for. Perhaps after the strong opening I was expecting to be a straight thriller so once some of the light hearted moments began happening it rocked me a bit. Now these lighter moments are good. The first Ivan scene was really good. The bow and arrow stuff was good. I think it just swings very wide on the tone scale. Waking up next to a stabbed dead guy vs. 2 different guy naked scenes. In the middle of a life or death situation and bantering about losing her virginity.
Here’s a few examples of tone issues I made note of…
When the sniper takes out Simon right in front of her the “Are you dead? Oh, great. Another one.” Doesn’t strike me as the right reaction. She would be freaking out. Hysterical. In fact this leads to my next issue.
When we remeet Sara, she just had some sex. Considering the events of the day, this strikes me as off.
The sexy banter between Kari and Josh for me was weird. I know you want some sexual tension here, but I think it might better be unspoken interactions.
Kari’s Comfort Level: She a young college virgin, but she seemed awful adept and comfortable in different situations. In other situations she just didn’t seem to react like a normal person. In particular this is important to get right because you’re making the right choice to start with the dead guy in the bed. The only downside to that is you never get to know normal, regular Kari. For the duration of the movie, we only see what should be freaked-out Kari. Her sense of humor shines through, but she’s just so strangely good and avoiding these men.
I suppose the problem is that a college student who is obsessed with dying a virgin doesn’t strike me as someone who’d be very good at escaping. It’s almost feels like your trying to get the best of both world here (virgin comedy / cool action), but I’m not sure that world exists.
Given her comfort level and skill I was actually expecting a “Kari is really a [spy]” midpoint twist.
The Poison: I dug the poison and really the entire villain set up. It changed the vantage point from a more familiar movie which is a strong choice. Typically this movie from the perspective of Bobby’s character, so going this way is pretty cool. However the poison I thought was a promising. I liked Ivan a lot but thought the idea that he could get come up with a cure I thought was a bit ridiculous. Sure he’s a smart guy, but he’s not a doctor. Being able to do it quickly was kind of meh. I’m afraid to say I think it might have just been an excuse to get another Ivan scene. As I’ve been told many times, maybe save that for the sequel :-) I think the stronger way to go would be that the poison actually start to affect her. The extent to the effect was lines like “only six hours left and I’m going to be a virgin.”
This all comes back to tone. I think a darker tone in general is a stronger play here with this set up.
Logic: The only big logical problem I had an issue with was when the point was escaping and being safe she ends up going after the bad guys. Well rather the FBI agent brings her along, which actually makes it more logically skewed.
Overall these are issues that probably won’t take much work to improve. My final thought is tone, tone, tone. :-)
Best of luck with it.
For me my issues are few, which makes it harder to give good notes. However there are a few things that can help elevate it to another level.
Tone: I had a hard time getting a read on the tone you were going for. Perhaps after the strong opening I was expecting to be a straight thriller so once some of the light hearted moments began happening it rocked me a bit. Now these lighter moments are good. The first Ivan scene was really good. The bow and arrow stuff was good. I think it just swings very wide on the tone scale. Waking up next to a stabbed dead guy vs. 2 different guy naked scenes. In the middle of a life or death situation and bantering about losing her virginity.
Here’s a few examples of tone issues I made note of…
When the sniper takes out Simon right in front of her the “Are you dead? Oh, great. Another one.” Doesn’t strike me as the right reaction. She would be freaking out. Hysterical. In fact this leads to my next issue.
When we remeet Sara, she just had some sex. Considering the events of the day, this strikes me as off.
The sexy banter between Kari and Josh for me was weird. I know you want some sexual tension here, but I think it might better be unspoken interactions.
Kari’s Comfort Level: She a young college virgin, but she seemed awful adept and comfortable in different situations. In other situations she just didn’t seem to react like a normal person. In particular this is important to get right because you’re making the right choice to start with the dead guy in the bed. The only downside to that is you never get to know normal, regular Kari. For the duration of the movie, we only see what should be freaked-out Kari. Her sense of humor shines through, but she’s just so strangely good and avoiding these men.
I suppose the problem is that a college student who is obsessed with dying a virgin doesn’t strike me as someone who’d be very good at escaping. It’s almost feels like your trying to get the best of both world here (virgin comedy / cool action), but I’m not sure that world exists.
Given her comfort level and skill I was actually expecting a “Kari is really a [spy]” midpoint twist.
The Poison: I dug the poison and really the entire villain set up. It changed the vantage point from a more familiar movie which is a strong choice. Typically this movie from the perspective of Bobby’s character, so going this way is pretty cool. However the poison I thought was a promising. I liked Ivan a lot but thought the idea that he could get come up with a cure I thought was a bit ridiculous. Sure he’s a smart guy, but he’s not a doctor. Being able to do it quickly was kind of meh. I’m afraid to say I think it might have just been an excuse to get another Ivan scene. As I’ve been told many times, maybe save that for the sequel :-) I think the stronger way to go would be that the poison actually start to affect her. The extent to the effect was lines like “only six hours left and I’m going to be a virgin.”
This all comes back to tone. I think a darker tone in general is a stronger play here with this set up.
Logic: The only big logical problem I had an issue with was when the point was escaping and being safe she ends up going after the bad guys. Well rather the FBI agent brings her along, which actually makes it more logically skewed.
Overall these are issues that probably won’t take much work to improve. My final thought is tone, tone, tone. :-)
Best of luck with it.
3
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
My M&Ms Melted in My Hand
My M&Ms melted in my hand and not in my mouth because I was too busy reading this script (and watching the movie on the back of my eyelids) and not snacking. (Okay, I know, that’s contrived and overly cute, but I do like FRAME-UP).
As a Hollywood script reader (as opposed to an Orange County script reader, say) for more than twenty years, I’ve read my share of crap. Crap flakes. Crap toasties. Crapmeal. One of my reviews (which almost got me fired) was, “Kill the writer.” I would not say that about FRAME-UP. No.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Taylor Carmichael read my screenplay CRACKING WISE and liked it enough to contribute two revisions and record a table reading. I should also note that when I went on to do another draft myself, I dropped his revisions. The script knows no favorites and the play is always the thing.
Here’s the thing with this play: FRAME-UP starts with the same device as THE MORNING AFTER, the Jane Fonda/Jeff Bridges/Raul Julia suspense thriller of two decades ago — the star, Kari, here, wakes up beside a corpse with a kitchen knife in her hand and blood everywhere. She has no memory of the previous night. She might have killed this guy. In fact, it looks like she did. Here is where THE MORNING AFTER and FRAME-UP diverge. Where the Fonda movie skewed older with a has-been actress set up to take the fall, FRAME-UP skews young with a college background and a dorm room as the crime scene. THE MORNING AFTER was straight suspense; FRAME-UP is an action-comedy with many delightful twists and some plot points that are fresh enough to surprise even an old hand like me.
What’s wrong with it? Small things. Kari’s response to a sniper killing a man beside her is to say, “Not another one!” No, I think Kari would be scared crapmealless. In the final analysis the story needs a tad more grit to keep the audience honest, to render the theater seats cheek-clingy. If the story tellers don’t take it seriously, why should we?
These are minor issues easily corrected with a polish. I like this script very much. If I were still a script reader I might even recommend it, although the first order given to any recruit script reader is, “hate everything” because to like something is to place yourself in jeopardy.
Not me. Not anymore.
This writer is a “stick”. He can hit the long ball. Okay, that's it, I've used up my quota of euphemisms.
As a Hollywood script reader (as opposed to an Orange County script reader, say) for more than twenty years, I’ve read my share of crap. Crap flakes. Crap toasties. Crapmeal. One of my reviews (which almost got me fired) was, “Kill the writer.” I would not say that about FRAME-UP. No.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Taylor Carmichael read my screenplay CRACKING WISE and liked it enough to contribute two revisions and record a table reading. I should also note that when I went on to do another draft myself, I dropped his revisions. The script knows no favorites and the play is always the thing.
Here’s the thing with this play: FRAME-UP starts with the same device as THE MORNING AFTER, the Jane Fonda/Jeff Bridges/Raul Julia suspense thriller of two decades ago — the star, Kari, here, wakes up beside a corpse with a kitchen knife in her hand and blood everywhere. She has no memory of the previous night. She might have killed this guy. In fact, it looks like she did. Here is where THE MORNING AFTER and FRAME-UP diverge. Where the Fonda movie skewed older with a has-been actress set up to take the fall, FRAME-UP skews young with a college background and a dorm room as the crime scene. THE MORNING AFTER was straight suspense; FRAME-UP is an action-comedy with many delightful twists and some plot points that are fresh enough to surprise even an old hand like me.
What’s wrong with it? Small things. Kari’s response to a sniper killing a man beside her is to say, “Not another one!” No, I think Kari would be scared crapmealless. In the final analysis the story needs a tad more grit to keep the audience honest, to render the theater seats cheek-clingy. If the story tellers don’t take it seriously, why should we?
These are minor issues easily corrected with a polish. I like this script very much. If I were still a script reader I might even recommend it, although the first order given to any recruit script reader is, “hate everything” because to like something is to place yourself in jeopardy.
Not me. Not anymore.
This writer is a “stick”. He can hit the long ball. Okay, that's it, I've used up my quota of euphemisms.
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
The synopsis is pretty bad, but the script is excellent
After reading the synopsis I was prepared to not like this script. In fact, the script itself was great. A LOT of really good scenes. Like the reviewer before me, I was "watching the movie" as I read it.
Some notes:
The sumo wrestler "surfing" down the inside of the plane. (I couldn't help but apply the same verb to the alligator, sliding into the cockpit. Hilarious.)
The Vespa scenes were a lot of fun, particularly when she drives it out the back of the grocery store off the loading dock.
I love the Russian student. Great characterization.
The woman stopping just short of the plane door and then getting shot was a little jarring. Maybe change to her throwing something, knocking her over ... maybe pulling something (a parachute) out from under her? Not sure.
The arrow through the hand is great. "Who shoots a bow and arrow??" "The doctor says they have to report any arrow victims." Hilarious.
The brother seems a bit hapless, doesn't really save the day, does he. Doesn't get a chance to show some spunk, unconscious during the key scene. I'd like to see that added somewhere, and least a little more ingenuity or backbone. And the "I love you" dialog didn't ring true. Big bro would show it, but probably not say it.
The premise is a bit ridiculous, but we get that right away. That's your suspension of disbelief, so that's fine, and it's easy to just go with it.
The diner scene with the killer, the friend, and Zack was fantastic. I could pretty much "see" that entire scene, and it flowed really well.
All in, I would love to see this movie.
Some notes:
The sumo wrestler "surfing" down the inside of the plane. (I couldn't help but apply the same verb to the alligator, sliding into the cockpit. Hilarious.)
The Vespa scenes were a lot of fun, particularly when she drives it out the back of the grocery store off the loading dock.
I love the Russian student. Great characterization.
The woman stopping just short of the plane door and then getting shot was a little jarring. Maybe change to her throwing something, knocking her over ... maybe pulling something (a parachute) out from under her? Not sure.
The arrow through the hand is great. "Who shoots a bow and arrow??" "The doctor says they have to report any arrow victims." Hilarious.
The brother seems a bit hapless, doesn't really save the day, does he. Doesn't get a chance to show some spunk, unconscious during the key scene. I'd like to see that added somewhere, and least a little more ingenuity or backbone. And the "I love you" dialog didn't ring true. Big bro would show it, but probably not say it.
The premise is a bit ridiculous, but we get that right away. That's your suspension of disbelief, so that's fine, and it's easy to just go with it.
The diner scene with the killer, the friend, and Zack was fantastic. I could pretty much "see" that entire scene, and it flowed really well.
All in, I would love to see this movie.
3
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
Taylor the Assassin will make you die laughing
"Frame-Up" is a fast paced, very entertaining mash-up of a thriller in the Hitchcock vein and a comedy like "Legally Blonde" (seemingly ditzy female protagonist gets into a situation and becomes surprisingly resourceful.) The action started on the very first page and didn't let up until the end. Although the premise is similar to other movies, the delivery, the characters, the humor, make it all very fresh and enjoyable.
Weak points? I really didn't detect any, but when I enjoy something this much, my critical brain just shuts down. Maybe the scene in the airplane went on a bit too long and made the story lose momentum. Minor issue.
This screenplay is a masterpiece. If I were to do a rewrite, I would just give it a little trim.
Weak points? I really didn't detect any, but when I enjoy something this much, my critical brain just shuts down. Maybe the scene in the airplane went on a bit too long and made the story lose momentum. Minor issue.
This screenplay is a masterpiece. If I were to do a rewrite, I would just give it a little trim.
3
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
A must read!
Okay now I’m actually a bit upset! I was supposed to read half of your script this morning and the rest tomorrow. This after noon I was supposed to work on my new script but it turns out that I couldn’t stop reading your script (Lol).
A great mix between suspense, action, comedy and romance and mystery. This script is full of nice and original dialogue. The dynamism and the interest of the reader is well kept all along, the dialogues are dynamics and effective even if sometimes a little weird. The action lines are short and direct which makes it a nice read. You don’t get lost into too many details and it helps us staying in the momentum. Also LOVED the romance between Kari and Jay and the ending is really good! So this is a great job, I’m glad I read it and I definitely recommend it.
Sometimes in the script there are things that seemed weird and I noted a few of them but I suggest you go through the whole screenplay and fixes these. It’s just small details really no need for a big rewrite, just details that would make it much more realistic. Something that would indicates a changes is when you write it yourself (out of nowhere, or awkwardly or that kind of word) when you have to write this, tell yourself that you should find a way to make it logical instead of awkwardly.
When Kari calls peoples in the beginning when she wakes up, their reaction is a little weird. For example :
SARA
Are you okay?
KARI
No. No, I'm not.
Sara sits up, alarmed.
SARA
Oh my God, what happened?
Sarra freaks out and she doesn’t know anything that is going on. I think that just what happened would be enough.
KARI
And I woke up in a strange bed. And
the guy next to me...is dead.
BOBBY
Oh. Wow. What...
KARI
And I'm really scared.
Bobby stands up and starts walking down the beach.
BOBBY
Okay. It’s okay. How, how did he die?
His reaction isn’t strong enough to me.
After this, how can she say she didn’t kill him if she doesn’t remember anything?
It was way too weird for me that Zack said I love you to Sara after one night and that he tells her in front of Kari that it’s private because she hasn’t said it back. I thought the whole love story between those two was moving too fast, but they were funny though. Especially when he comes out of the shower, hihi.
When Kari comes out of the room, considering there’s a body full of blood inside, I would avoid being seen from anyone. Perhaps she could try to escape by the window instead of the front door and ``the walk of shame`` that by the way every girl would avoid at any cost.
DR. YOMOAKI
Well, your hymen's still intact.
That indicates...virginity. (That last sentence isn’t necessary we know what it means already) But I have a hard time believing that she is still a virgin, if there is no specific reason for her to be I suggest you find another way to say that she haven’t been raped (if that’s what you wanted to state here) Because a 19 years old women hanging out with fraternity guy that doesn’t scream virgin to me.
KARI
He's dead, Sara. He can't hurt you.
SARA
But the killer might still be here. How did you know it was a guy?
KARI
What?
SARA
You said, "he's dead."
(That’s a good one, didn’t see it coming! Guess I was too wrapped up in the story) Just right after that, why would Sara immediately suspected she killed him? After all she doesn’t know Sara spent the night with him, no reason for her to believe that.
KARI
No. It's important. Somebody put a tattoo on me while I was passed out.
SARA
What? That is so weird.
Till now all Sara knew is that Kari doesn’t remember anything, but she doesn’t know she passed out. She should react to this.
P.24 It was too weird to me that Kari asks the guy who’s just been shut and is lying in a pool of blood if he’s dead. Moreover, I think she should freak out more than this.
P.32 Out of nowhere, Zack tackles Juan. You said it yourself, out of nowhere. I think if you could add a scene or a line explaining what he’s doing there or where does he come from would make it more realistic. Now it just seems that you needed someone to knock Juan out and sp you made him appear.
FREDDIE
Wait, wait!
Kari stops.
FREDDIE (CONT’D)
Did you eat our pizza?
(Hihi that’s a funny one!)
Just a suggestion, as Kari is followed by the bad guys who know her every moves, maybe there could be a scene where Ivan fights against the bad guy that doesn’t want him to cure her? Maybe he could hide a vial of the cure somewhere but Kari will find it just when she’s about to die (Or maybe even Jay can find it and saves her life?) Just a thought.
KARI (CONT’D)
You remember that time you borrowed my I.D. and I was arrested?
(Haha! Love the way she’s introducing the wreck of the scooter)
P.64 Die as a virgin might be a concern for a guy but I doubt that it’s the first thing that would come to the mind of a girl when she thinks she’s about to die.
KARI
But I only got six hours. And I shot him with an arrow.
(Hihi, what a way to talk about the guy she loves to her friend, made me laugh)
Howie walks up to Kari and Jay.
KARI
You killed Nanow. Shot Simon.
Howie grins.
HOWIE
Undressed you.
With the heel of his left hand, Jay smacks Howie right on the nose.
(Hihi loved that too) Okay now I’m gonna stop to put all the moment that I loved because it’s gonna be too long, lol.
So overall, great job, would definitely go see the movie and I will root for you when you’ll make it to the finals ;) hihi
A great mix between suspense, action, comedy and romance and mystery. This script is full of nice and original dialogue. The dynamism and the interest of the reader is well kept all along, the dialogues are dynamics and effective even if sometimes a little weird. The action lines are short and direct which makes it a nice read. You don’t get lost into too many details and it helps us staying in the momentum. Also LOVED the romance between Kari and Jay and the ending is really good! So this is a great job, I’m glad I read it and I definitely recommend it.
Sometimes in the script there are things that seemed weird and I noted a few of them but I suggest you go through the whole screenplay and fixes these. It’s just small details really no need for a big rewrite, just details that would make it much more realistic. Something that would indicates a changes is when you write it yourself (out of nowhere, or awkwardly or that kind of word) when you have to write this, tell yourself that you should find a way to make it logical instead of awkwardly.
When Kari calls peoples in the beginning when she wakes up, their reaction is a little weird. For example :
SARA
Are you okay?
KARI
No. No, I'm not.
Sara sits up, alarmed.
SARA
Oh my God, what happened?
Sarra freaks out and she doesn’t know anything that is going on. I think that just what happened would be enough.
KARI
And I woke up in a strange bed. And
the guy next to me...is dead.
BOBBY
Oh. Wow. What...
KARI
And I'm really scared.
Bobby stands up and starts walking down the beach.
BOBBY
Okay. It’s okay. How, how did he die?
His reaction isn’t strong enough to me.
After this, how can she say she didn’t kill him if she doesn’t remember anything?
It was way too weird for me that Zack said I love you to Sara after one night and that he tells her in front of Kari that it’s private because she hasn’t said it back. I thought the whole love story between those two was moving too fast, but they were funny though. Especially when he comes out of the shower, hihi.
When Kari comes out of the room, considering there’s a body full of blood inside, I would avoid being seen from anyone. Perhaps she could try to escape by the window instead of the front door and ``the walk of shame`` that by the way every girl would avoid at any cost.
DR. YOMOAKI
Well, your hymen's still intact.
That indicates...virginity. (That last sentence isn’t necessary we know what it means already) But I have a hard time believing that she is still a virgin, if there is no specific reason for her to be I suggest you find another way to say that she haven’t been raped (if that’s what you wanted to state here) Because a 19 years old women hanging out with fraternity guy that doesn’t scream virgin to me.
KARI
He's dead, Sara. He can't hurt you.
SARA
But the killer might still be here. How did you know it was a guy?
KARI
What?
SARA
You said, "he's dead."
(That’s a good one, didn’t see it coming! Guess I was too wrapped up in the story) Just right after that, why would Sara immediately suspected she killed him? After all she doesn’t know Sara spent the night with him, no reason for her to believe that.
KARI
No. It's important. Somebody put a tattoo on me while I was passed out.
SARA
What? That is so weird.
Till now all Sara knew is that Kari doesn’t remember anything, but she doesn’t know she passed out. She should react to this.
P.24 It was too weird to me that Kari asks the guy who’s just been shut and is lying in a pool of blood if he’s dead. Moreover, I think she should freak out more than this.
P.32 Out of nowhere, Zack tackles Juan. You said it yourself, out of nowhere. I think if you could add a scene or a line explaining what he’s doing there or where does he come from would make it more realistic. Now it just seems that you needed someone to knock Juan out and sp you made him appear.
FREDDIE
Wait, wait!
Kari stops.
FREDDIE (CONT’D)
Did you eat our pizza?
(Hihi that’s a funny one!)
Just a suggestion, as Kari is followed by the bad guys who know her every moves, maybe there could be a scene where Ivan fights against the bad guy that doesn’t want him to cure her? Maybe he could hide a vial of the cure somewhere but Kari will find it just when she’s about to die (Or maybe even Jay can find it and saves her life?) Just a thought.
KARI (CONT’D)
You remember that time you borrowed my I.D. and I was arrested?
(Haha! Love the way she’s introducing the wreck of the scooter)
P.64 Die as a virgin might be a concern for a guy but I doubt that it’s the first thing that would come to the mind of a girl when she thinks she’s about to die.
KARI
But I only got six hours. And I shot him with an arrow.
(Hihi, what a way to talk about the guy she loves to her friend, made me laugh)
Howie walks up to Kari and Jay.
KARI
You killed Nanow. Shot Simon.
Howie grins.
HOWIE
Undressed you.
With the heel of his left hand, Jay smacks Howie right on the nose.
(Hihi loved that too) Okay now I’m gonna stop to put all the moment that I loved because it’s gonna be too long, lol.
So overall, great job, would definitely go see the movie and I will root for you when you’ll make it to the finals ;) hihi
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Can't wait to see this in a theater!
This is an exciting film, that has that true-story feel to it. I couldn't put the script down once I started it. Each event is plausible, and pulls you along into the next situation. You can't help but get caught up in the protagonist's plight, and struggle with her. This has a definite Hollywood feel, and I'd love to see it in a theater.
2
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people found the following review helpful:
Couldn't put it down.
My husband started reading it before me, I booted him off when I noticed his intense concentration (doesn't do that for my script). I now understand why. It's good, a fast and easy read. I chuckled at some parts.
As I was reading, I did see the film play before my eyes, but I could not picture any "known" actors, for Kari, and this is only because she didn't seem too real for me. Kari should be scared, and frantic about all that's happening, but she seems too calm. She wakes up with a dead man, another one gets shot in front of her, I'd be screaming bloody murder. Also, when she calls Ivan and he tells her that he may have a cure her response is "that's so sweet". She could be a little more grateful, happy?
Having said that, I could not stop reading it. I can certainly see it on the big screen, but with a little more "I'm so scared" Kari.
Right on Taylor!
As I was reading, I did see the film play before my eyes, but I could not picture any "known" actors, for Kari, and this is only because she didn't seem too real for me. Kari should be scared, and frantic about all that's happening, but she seems too calm. She wakes up with a dead man, another one gets shot in front of her, I'd be screaming bloody murder. Also, when she calls Ivan and he tells her that he may have a cure her response is "that's so sweet". She could be a little more grateful, happy?
Having said that, I could not stop reading it. I can certainly see it on the big screen, but with a little more "I'm so scared" Kari.
Right on Taylor!
Some notes:
I don't think the first flashback (p2) is needed.
(p14) Kari finds a tattoo of a chemical formula on her back. Good. This ties in well with Bobby (Kari's brother) being blackmailed for a formula he has created.
(p22) "They put poison in you?" The plot thickens.
I like the bit about Ivan getting turned on when Kari wants him to read her tattoo.
(p24) Simon being shot and spraying Kari with blood is a nice touch.
(p26) The Frankie Says Relax t-shirt reminds me of Brian DePalma's Hitchcock tribute film Body Double that featured that song.
(p32) Bobby's girlfriend poisoned. Good, this ratchets up the tension.
(p37) I like the cops' names. :)
(p37) I like the pot smokers in the apartment.
(p42) The cops noticing a "second" pizza delivery is a nice touch.
(p54) INT. ALLIGATOR PIT I'm confused. Is the alligator pit inside a building?
(p59) Funny scene with Ivan.
(p60-61) Maybe you should label this as a dream sequence? We don't know how careful Amazon's readers are.
(p73) Jay and Kari handcuffed together. I like it.
(p107) I like the gator on a plane bit. Where's Sameuel L. Jackson?
All in all, a very well done script.