0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Improvements making it better
3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
A success, in the end
I can’t deny that you got me. This is a good story, but you almost lost me around page 80. Your script comes very close to being unreadable for a minute there in the 80’s. The fact that you pull it out in the end is a miracle. I’m still not sure if I liked being subjected to it. But, I can not deny that you got me. I can’t deny that I consider myself a skilled and careful reader AND you still got me. The thing that makes me nervous is that people are going to think you’re making structural mistakes. People are going to think that you’re not a very good judge of human character. People are going to think you ARE JUST MAKING mistakes, and they’re not going to read until the end to watch you turn the tables on them. The other thing that concerns me is that they’re going to be pissed at you for tricking them into thinking you didn’t know how to structure a story when all along you were just messing with them. They’re gonna feel like a mouse beneath a cat paw. People don’t like that feeling. I liked it, and I’m still a little bit annoyed with you for doing it to me.
There are a couple things I think you need to do if you want to trick the reader like this. You’ve got to go through the dialogue a whole bunch. Much of it is good. You have a style for each character, like you should. The problem is that sometimes you lapse out of the individual characters voice. I also think you have to make SOME concession to what Alex’s story would be like if it weren’t just Ian’s dream. The part that almost make me quit was Phyllis not telling Alex that his parents were KILLED. I’m not saying she needs to tell him that his parents died in a train crash, but she can’t be as nice as she is AND let him think for 14 years that his parents just abandoned him.
But, I did read to the end, and you did get me.
Below are the notes I made while reading.
Trevor
Pg. 3 Tanya’s goober putdown rings false. I have a 17 year old daughter, I’ve never heard her say goober.
Pg. 4 –There’s need for an errand boy… I don’t know if you meant the sentence to be like this because there’s a way to read line so that it is grammatically correct, but I would add the “a” in between there’s and need.
Pg. 4 Only on page 4 and I already love Alex’s eccentricity.
Pg. 5 Don’t think you need to tell us “that figure” after IAN CROCKER.
Pg. 6 Atta a boy. –x the a
Pg. 7 The people who write the books say not to use the smash cut anymore, but I’m sure you’ve read the books too. I get that you are matching the high sustained whining sound, so I, personally, don’t have a problem with it.
Pg. 8 Not sure why you capitalize EYES. Been seeing that a lot lately though. Maybe it’s something new I don’t know about.
Pg. 8 slow(ly)
Pg. 9 I think you can x “…to reveal it for the first time.” But you got me with this plot point. I DID NOT see it coming.
Pg. 18 He eats perfunctor(ily)
Pg. 20 paneled
Pg. 23 As far as I know, INSERT is only used for objects, like a clock, or a book. You’d almost have to use INTERCUT for this.
Pg. 23 Again, as far as I know, if you want to add emphasis, you underline. Perhaps, this is an rtf issue.
Pg. 27 I think Ian’s line has more force if it ends before “with abandon”.
Pg. 28 never sass back or c(r)ap on you…
Pg. 33 Although true, Ian’s line about war feels out of place given the context.
Pg. 36 I don’t like “the French resistance of love”, because it makes Ian the Nazi element in the equation.
Pg. 43 I think “conquers half a step is a little awkward.
Pg. 49 Female Passenger’s lines are becoming rote. I think you are dramatizing Ian’s lack of attention to her, but, in that case, it almost doesn’t matter what she says.
Pg. 52 I don’t get the ham after the bro in Alex’s line.
Pg. 53 the reflection in the bourbon glass is a beautiful image.
Pg. 54 gourd doesn’t sound like Alex
Pg. 66 –that song, that line, make no sense- song and line join together to make a plural subject.
Pg. 67 the new fire safe cigarettes won’t do that-
Pg. 70 I would like to see some emotion from Phyllis about Alex’s obsession with his “real” mom. It has to be hurting her feelings.
Pg. 72 Alex’(s) POV
Pg. 80 This is very big news. I am worried that this makes Phyllis a monster, which she clearly isn’t. She’s one of my favorite characters.
Pg. 84 The Phyllis ian Phyllis dialogue here is not enough. Phyllis is handling it way too well.
Pg. 90 all the he has…
Pg. 94 Rutledge’s…
Pg. 98 ExT
Pg. 100 THROUGh
There are a couple things I think you need to do if you want to trick the reader like this. You’ve got to go through the dialogue a whole bunch. Much of it is good. You have a style for each character, like you should. The problem is that sometimes you lapse out of the individual characters voice. I also think you have to make SOME concession to what Alex’s story would be like if it weren’t just Ian’s dream. The part that almost make me quit was Phyllis not telling Alex that his parents were KILLED. I’m not saying she needs to tell him that his parents died in a train crash, but she can’t be as nice as she is AND let him think for 14 years that his parents just abandoned him.
But, I did read to the end, and you did get me.
Below are the notes I made while reading.
Trevor
Pg. 3 Tanya’s goober putdown rings false. I have a 17 year old daughter, I’ve never heard her say goober.
Pg. 4 –There’s need for an errand boy… I don’t know if you meant the sentence to be like this because there’s a way to read line so that it is grammatically correct, but I would add the “a” in between there’s and need.
Pg. 4 Only on page 4 and I already love Alex’s eccentricity.
Pg. 5 Don’t think you need to tell us “that figure” after IAN CROCKER.
Pg. 6 Atta a boy. –x the a
Pg. 7 The people who write the books say not to use the smash cut anymore, but I’m sure you’ve read the books too. I get that you are matching the high sustained whining sound, so I, personally, don’t have a problem with it.
Pg. 8 Not sure why you capitalize EYES. Been seeing that a lot lately though. Maybe it’s something new I don’t know about.
Pg. 8 slow(ly)
Pg. 9 I think you can x “…to reveal it for the first time.” But you got me with this plot point. I DID NOT see it coming.
Pg. 18 He eats perfunctor(ily)
Pg. 20 paneled
Pg. 23 As far as I know, INSERT is only used for objects, like a clock, or a book. You’d almost have to use INTERCUT for this.
Pg. 23 Again, as far as I know, if you want to add emphasis, you underline. Perhaps, this is an rtf issue.
Pg. 27 I think Ian’s line has more force if it ends before “with abandon”.
Pg. 28 never sass back or c(r)ap on you…
Pg. 33 Although true, Ian’s line about war feels out of place given the context.
Pg. 36 I don’t like “the French resistance of love”, because it makes Ian the Nazi element in the equation.
Pg. 43 I think “conquers half a step is a little awkward.
Pg. 49 Female Passenger’s lines are becoming rote. I think you are dramatizing Ian’s lack of attention to her, but, in that case, it almost doesn’t matter what she says.
Pg. 52 I don’t get the ham after the bro in Alex’s line.
Pg. 53 the reflection in the bourbon glass is a beautiful image.
Pg. 54 gourd doesn’t sound like Alex
Pg. 66 –that song, that line, make no sense- song and line join together to make a plural subject.
Pg. 67 the new fire safe cigarettes won’t do that-
Pg. 70 I would like to see some emotion from Phyllis about Alex’s obsession with his “real” mom. It has to be hurting her feelings.
Pg. 72 Alex’(s) POV
Pg. 80 This is very big news. I am worried that this makes Phyllis a monster, which she clearly isn’t. She’s one of my favorite characters.
Pg. 84 The Phyllis ian Phyllis dialogue here is not enough. Phyllis is handling it way too well.
Pg. 90 all the he has…
Pg. 94 Rutledge’s…
Pg. 98 ExT
Pg. 100 THROUGh
3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
slight adjustments to characters
I enjoyed the little flashback daydreams that Ian has.
To improve this, I think you need to reevaluate Alex's characterization. At times, he's over-the-top speaking like a 17-year-old. the next sentence, he's sounding more adult. maybe look at balancing this out. possibly he needs to be more withdrawn than talkative. but, that's your choice.
I'm keying on the final revelation = it was all a daydream. This is the most cliche'd way to end the story. It kinda fits in with the whole story you've written. I'm just not sure it's satisfying to use this technique. I'm only one opinion, so see what everyone has to say before making major changes.
To improve this, I think you need to reevaluate Alex's characterization. At times, he's over-the-top speaking like a 17-year-old. the next sentence, he's sounding more adult. maybe look at balancing this out. possibly he needs to be more withdrawn than talkative. but, that's your choice.
I'm keying on the final revelation = it was all a daydream. This is the most cliche'd way to end the story. It kinda fits in with the whole story you've written. I'm just not sure it's satisfying to use this technique. I'm only one opinion, so see what everyone has to say before making major changes.
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