All Reviews

Congratulations to you on writing a funny and entertaining screenplay! However, I would like to take up the criticism expressed by some other reviewers about the flatness of some of your characters. Reading the screenplay, I often could not figure out why exactly your protagonists would act the way they do. They lack motivation.

In particular, I could not figure out why Hope, who indulges in her idealistic reverie about her first time, would put exactly this first time up to auction. What is the real basis of her anger? Of course, that Ben didn’t give her enough time. But why is Ben, who is first depicted as a sports star an ideal boyfriend, not enough for her? The script does not provide an answer to that (at least, no answer I could remember after reading it once). And how does Hope come to think she would get this ideal first time by selling her virginity? The problem is that Hope is characterized as a super-smart daughter of a school principal, but follows Fiona’s advice as stupidly as possible and then takes her (blind) revenge on Ben and her own ideals. I think the story would work better if she had about Janine’s IQ. Her often less-than-thought-through actions would make more sense that way.
Which leads us to the next problem of the script. Most characters are quite stereotypical. It is simply presumed that the appearance of the girls allows to draw conclusions on their sexual attitudes. This indeed makes for a funny conflict between (above all else) Janine and Hope’s attitudes, but unfortunately, no scene fully acts it out. Janine and Hope’s ride to college could be a fantastic setting for the two girls to debate the meaning of love and sex in the exposition.
In the same way, the attitudes of Gene and Steve need to be thought through more thoroughly. By focusing on the conflicts, you could make many scenes even more poignant and funny or find the subplots that are unnecessary and should be cut.

Maybe you can link the characters through the theme of sexual frustration. Gene and Steve could be hunting for a real virgin because they are frustrated in their private lives and need publicity and “clean love” to satisfy their needs. Ethan and Ben are frustrated because Hope delays their satisfaction, Fiona is frustrated because nobody wants her, Janine is frustrated because she only repeatedly becomes the hook-up of coed idiots. And Hope, who is the source of frustration for Ethan and Ben, could finally get frustrated herself if the script altered the conflict slightly: Ben could be more patient and try to meet Hope’s ideals by preparing an Ideal First Time in a hotel room with flowers etc., and then Ben fails to give her pleasure in this dream setting because he is only used to frat-room intercourse. This would turn the story against Hope, the ever-so-smart girl, include her in the circle of people frustrated with their sexual lives, and motivate her 180-degree turn to put up her (first wanted, then forced) virginity up to auction and to team up with Fiona.

Maybe my ideas can help you further improve an already great script! I enjoyed reading and reviewing it!

Flat is the best word to sum up this story. I gave it forty pages and a half hour of my time and I found no merit in it whatsoever. After about thirty pages in I realized that I was supposed to be reading a comedy, but had not laughed once.

I also found the subject matter itself to me not funny, that of a young girl trying to establish her own self worth by prostituting herself to the highest bidder.

Too boring for drama, too boring for a comedy.

I guess my review is a moot point, the script has already won the prize. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I don't get today's humor.

I enjoyed reading this script as it reminded me of my college friends. Not saying I had a friend like Hope, but the personalities of all the characters. So I think a lot people would be able to relate to this story one way or another. I would maybe suggest taking it up a notch and throw in some more comedy even silly or slapstick since it is college and anything can happen, make it a bit more exciting.

I know it is college and students meet and get together quickly, but I would make Ben work even harder to gain Hope’s trust in the first act and to make room for it, some scenes are a bit drawn out and can be shortened or cut out completely. Otherwise, I’d like to reiterate that it was pleasant to read, but I was looking for something to strongly stand out, besides Hope being called out that she’s not a virgin near the end.

The author has added a fun twist to a serious subject that is told in such an entertaining fashion that will have pre-teens smiling versus being turned off. The main concern I have with the script are the jump cuts that forced some re-reads to clear up my confusion. Thanks for letting me review your work. Enjoy!

I have broken down my review into categories based upon a checklist I found online.

A. Concept and Plot:

The concept of this script works pretty good. The over-lying theme of the plot was developed nicely. The concept is intriguing, and it has a nice arc to it. There we're some portions of the storyline that seemed either rushed or underdeveloped but overall it has a nice flow to it. It surely kept me reading the entire way through.

Looking back, I do understand some of the issues relating selling ones virginity to making a statement about the need for sex to be a romantic rather gesture. The act may seem a bit backwards to the intended outcome, however with a little bit more development I think it could be explained very well.

B. Execution

The overall execution of the script is good. The acts of the plot are discernible, and thought out. I was a tiny bit confused about there being two inciting incidents, for there are two times that she has to say no to different boyfriends. As noted earlier, the plot may need better execution in Act I to develop the story of why she does what she does. Some of the scenes could also have been a bit more developed, as I felt in certain places like I was missing something once a scene was over.

C. Characters

I felt that overall, the characters we're a bit like strangers through the story. For example, by the time I had reached the scene where the daughter goes home for the open house, I had forgotten or not really realized that the parents even ran a school (although some of this may be assisted by the visuals). Also, I still feel like I wanted to know a bit more about the main character and what motivated her into her decision. There needs to be a bit more back story to why she want's her first time to be so special.

D. Summary

Overall I felt like this is a really good start, especially since the story held my attention through the entire script. I also thought that the dialogue was witty and natural (although I would not be afraid to use a bit more). With a bit more thought, this could turn out to be a really good script.

Great idea but it takes too long to get into the plot. The characters aren't 3 dimensional or believable. The scenes are too short and too many.

Five stars for the smok'n hot bird alone. am reading this now and would def pay to see it

Mildly funny beginning, but has the potential to be a very funny movie and a great success. Don't put my money on it yet.
(1) Too preachy. Most people who view movies don't want to get preached at for their already gone virginity. But the ad Hope ran is very funny. Mention her reason once and then do not repeat it! Her speech is on woman's rights or something. She's feisty, not frigid.
(2) Romantic comedies usually stick with one guy, not three or more. There should be a true romantic spark between Ben and Hope.
(3) The introduction of Steve the famous actor was hilarious. Play up the funny part. As a celebrity and a jilted girlfriend, she can explore him as a date.
(4) Please don't have a climax as the worst of all the possible endings that we dream of at the beginning. Yes, we, the movies goers since birth, all anticipate how the movie will progress and when some ideas actually appear it gives us an ulcer. I must admit, when she was arrested for prostitution, after being so preachy, I had to laugh. But her whole world is destroyed? PLEASE! Public embarrassment is even too much!! (Anyway, she could get a Doctor to prove her point.) How about a more loving and caring ending, like:
Ben is kicked out of school for his football mistake. That is truly a bad enough turn of events.
Hope reluctantly takes the million dollar bid so she can pay for Ben to finish school
Ben refuses to take the money because it would mean she would have to prostitute herself.
The benefactor sees how much she loves Ben and offers to pay off his tuition. He says,
"Afterall, I got a million in publicity from all this."
She is then arrested for prostitution with a similar ending. Benefactor is not arrested. No preaching. You figure out the details.
(5) Painting the mustache is way too mean for Hope to do. Just leave that whole thing out. Ben loves Hope. He is just being pressured by his friends, but is not unfaithful. How about a whole series of dates at the beginning, where he takes advice from his male friends on ways to loosen her up. Potential for funny stuff there. Like the sexy smell of male pee. Don't be afraid to be mildly raunchy. Again, never give away the plot with the title of the movie, no matter how catchy.

Overall, good writing. I really enjoyed reading this script. Good luck!

I'm just coming round to reading the March finalists and got to this script second. Light and day. While the first script I read was mostly prose and if cut down to a shooting script would hardly fill an hour's screen time (in other words, somewhat amateurish), Going, Going, Gone is a funny, snappy, timely treatise on the war between men and women, how one gender's flirtation is another gender's frustration, and a challenge of the questionable market value of virginity. It's a date movie. Date movies attracts dates. Dates are two-fers. AS could do much worse than make this its first produced movie, and pocket a few million shekels in the process, as well.

Really very good work, Phil, you bastard. May your pencil rot from the bottom up!

Envy, y'know?

I very much enjoyed reading this screenplay, and this seems like a very cool, origional, and hip concept.

I think the a little work could be done to push it from good, to outstanding. The characters seem a little bit two dimentional, and the dialouge seems to need a little stepping up. Push the envelope and really let go. You have the potential for some really over the top and hysterical situations that could have an audence on the floor.

I would also develop some real tension in the first two pages. Something like a huge fight that sets the bar high from the start.

I think you are really onto something with this one.