All Reviews

There are a number of really good ideas in The Prisoner of Alpha Prime. The Neural Link that binds newborns and old folks alike to a super-internet of knowledge, both technical and emotional (but provides no insight into what people are doing beyond its network reach) is a fun idea (and if Ray Kurzweil is right, is mere decades away). Still, the script reads like an episode of Stark Trek: The Next Generation. Like ST:TNG, the characters speak a lot of technobabble, particularly aboard ship. What is a 'communications logarithm' and why do ship officers need to speak about it casually, in the privacy of their quarters? This tendency to move the story forward by means of dialogue runs throughout the script and is its greatest flaw. Characters move here, then there, and then speak at great length about what's happening, or may happen, or could happen, instead of the writer showing us what's happening. Science Fiction is difficult in that it deals with alien worlds and ideas, and complex concepts are hard to communicate easily and forcefully without someone standing up and saying, "Now, this is what's happening here." ST:TNG was guilty of this because dialogue was easier and cheaper to shoot than visuals and it lowered the standards for science fiction generally because if they can do it, surely we can do it, too. No.

The ship action could be Star Trek rewritten (choose your franchise). The Captain did not say, "Arm phasers," but he might have.

All of the above said, the author of The Prisoner of Alpha Prime has the potential to be a really good writer. Except for the dialogue-is-action aspect of the script, this screenplay is a good read and filled with novel ideas. The author handles words well (never to be discounted) and reading was never a challenge (something I can't always say covering screenplays).

Here is what I think he needs to work on:

Dialogue exists only when it must.
Dramatic tension begins each scene and demands the next.
The plot should be expressible in a single sentence (read Lajos Egri).
The human heart in conflict with itself is always at the center of great drama, no matter the genre.

I hope the author accepts this critique in the spirit in which it was given, and I wish him all the best with revising this story and creating others.

p4 "Your (not You're) growing desire..."

p5 He *subconsciously* scratches his arm? I think you mean unconsciously.

It currently takes 8 pages for the ship to take off. Lay off the technojargon and you can probably take off in 1, 2 pages max.

p12 Aaliyah says she doesn't know what either of them wants. Then on p13 she says SHE knows what she wants, but Rhett doesn't.

p17 "They're (not Their) hailing us"

p18 "in violation of trespassing in restricted area" sounds awkward. Try "You're trespassing in a restricted area"

First he's DISTRAUGHT CAPTAIN and then next character slug he's DISTRAUGHT MAN. Consistency.

Jesus, Rhett is not registering as "captain" material so far.

p26 "Your (not You're) captain did not..."

Not sure what "MYSTERIOUS FACE" looks like. Describe?

p47 Rhett comments that one child is more than enough to keep him occupied. Really? Haven't seen him spend more than a couple minutes with the kid.

p48 So a prostitute is handing down life lessons, or rather, on-the-nose dialogue.

p49 Patrons aren't donned in elegant dresses--to don means to put on, it's the act of getting dressed.

p67 Police would say their entire name when conducting a raid like this.

p78 The scene with Dannus and Kathryn seems absolutely superfluous.

p79 I have a difficult time thinking Aaliyah would hug and cry upon seeing Rhett. But maybe that's the subroutine...

p83 Why is Rhett showing anger?

p83 "But YOUR (not you're) husband has been..."

p85 "But what [ABOUT] the coordinates?"

p86 "unless he SHOWS (not show) up with..."

p90 You haven't justified Faye's reluctance to relinquish the case; at this point, as written, it's cliche (oh, the old "I'm not giving up this case, even if I have to break protocol to keep it" trope). Tropes are fine, but you have to give your character depth and reason to do the things they do. Right now, Faye and Rundam have no reason to buck the system.

p95 You mistakenly inserted RHETT's name as a Character slug when it should be RUNDAM.

p108 Simultaneously panicked and disappointed? Generally those two reactions aren't display together on one face...

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I found your script to be both interesting and challenging to read. I love the various ideas and cool sci-fi stuff forming the backdrop of the story; you have a lot of interesting concepts that feel very well thought out and visually would probably be quite spectacular on screen.

On the other hand, the script itself suffers from a number of structural deficiencies and characters are almost entirely one-dimensional.

One of the most common complaints I have in characters like the ones you've drawn is that they don't seem to possess proper motivation for their actions; they may be scripted, but that doesn't mean they have to follow a script. When a character does or says something, it should be because THAT'S WHO THEY ARE, not who you want them to be (see my note about Faye, above, for an illustration).

It also feels like you have a mish-mash of sub-genres mixed up in this story. It starts out as a straight-forward sci-fi drama, turns into a mystery (where did the ship come from?) and then morphs into a detective story on multiple levels (what has infected the crew, and who killed the prostitute?), and then turns into a chase/action movie (capture the crew!), which finally reverts back to pure sci-fi (Meet ADAM (aka HAL)).

I think you'd serve yourself well by confining yourself to one or two of these sub-genres. Focus on the pure sci-fi for sure, since right now it bookends the entire story and more or less forms the core of the story itself (humans combined with a life-long AI projection companion must confront a planetary AI system that wishes to invade their world). Basically, you've got a very solid framework for building a more cohesive narrative, but I think you need to narrow your choices and focus on the most important elements.

Let's talk about things that work and things that don't.

Rhett and Aaliyah's relationship, well, it's stock, not much interesting there, and I don't see why either one of them cares about each other. Likewise, I don't really understand Dannus' obsession with Aaliyah, and none of them stick out in my mind as being really unique, memorable characters. They could stand to have something, a hook, to make them stand out a bit more.

I liked Faye and Rundam, though they're also stock (two cops trying to figure out who killed the prostitute) and don't have a ton to do once the ISP steps in.


As far as emotional impact, I think the script is very dearly lacking. None of the characters are likable, with exception of Faye (but she's too stock and has too little to do to be of much interest). None of the characters go through a significant amount of change or growth to make reading about their journey worthwhile. I had no emotional connection to the hero, who 1)is having an affair even as he's in the middle of having his first child; 2) has almost no connection in the script with his family; 3) shows no remorse or feelings one way or another about his actions or how he's treated his family. Meanwhile, Aaliyah is a dead weight when it comes to emotion; she's overwrought and tearful at all the wrong times (interacting with Rhett), and yet shows almost complete diffidence and disdain for most of the other people around her (Kathryn, Thadeus). Dannus is at least somewhat more dynamic, starting out as a lovelorn officer and slowly going crazy until he snaps. That's at least interesting. But then you make him more or less a mindless obsessive drone. The lapse back into one-dimensionality isn't fun to read.

But I'll tell you, the first moment you got me really interested in the story was when Dannus killed the prostitute. That was the first genuinely chilling and arresting moment for me, because it displayed an unexpected side of Dannus, and opened up a world of opportunities. You might have explored the nature of the virus inside each of the crewmen's heads, but I feel like you gave that short shrift and instead answered the question of what was infecting them almost immediately, by taking Rhett to Aiden, who amazingly solves the riddle instantly. So much for making your characters work for information.

The wormhole jump and trip to Alpha Prime was confusing, but I got through it, and it was interesting, even if it raised more questions than it answered. It felt very 2001 to me, and ADAM felt like a direct rip of HAL, the murderous self-aware computer from 2001. Not a bad pedigree to emulate, but the premise comes a bit too close to the core of 2001 that I felt a bit let down by the conclusion.

As to structure, you didn't do a bad job. I think the big problem is in pacing. For a ripping sci-fi yarn it moves ponderously; this can easily be improved by reducing the non-essential scenes, cutting as much from the exposition and setup (we don't need 8 pages of getting the Leviathan for launch), and really honing dialogue down to its bare essentials. In short, the script needs to be cut down by at least 20 pages, if not more.

A few technical errors in grammar and punctuation are present throughout the script. I recommend printing it out and reading with a red pen--errors will be a little easier to spot that way.

For a first draft, this is a promising start. Good luck in your next draft.

This script was like an episode of Lost for me. I came out of it not quiet sure what happened but, somehow, I knew I liked it.

I thought the plot was cool. The NC concept was very clever (not exactly sure how that would translate to the screen) but it was a great touch. I thought that the whole plot was intriguing and I was engaged the entire time...I wanted to know how it all ended! The characters were cool, the setting was intriguing and I thought you kept the momentum going.

Now you have reviews that really spell out some suggestions so I'm not going to do that...I'm more of a short and sweet kind of reviewer :) I was just a little lost as I was reading. There are so many characters in this script that I forgot who was who quite frequently-maybe "un-name" some people that we don't need names for (guys on other ships, random crew members) and simplify it. Also, did you really kill Maureen and Aaliyah or did I just get that confused as well. If you did, I didn't feel like Rhett much cared in the end about that.

I think that this script is clever and conceptually quite cool. What I'm not a huge fan of is that it's very long and there's a lot of stuff going on that is a dream(?) or if not a dream, not too well explained. I'm sure on the screen, I'd be able to follow it but in a script, I was getting lost.

I am not a science-fiction writer, and I am always impressed when I read a story that crafts a new vision of the future. I had that feeling with Native State. And now I have it again with The Prisoner of Alpha Prime. I am amazed at the depths of your creativity. You have crafted a society from the ground up. Kudos.

Now for the feedback!

You're throwing a lot of characters at us in the beginning. You might want to rethink this. It's difficult to get into a science-fiction story anyway. As a reader/viewer, I'm looking for clues, trying to understand this new universe and the rules in it. You have a protagonist--Rhett--why not stick with him for the first few scenes? He'll keep us grounded while we get our bearings in this new world.

I can just imagine watching this movie and getting annoyed and confused at all the voiceovers. One voiceover, than another voiceover, than another voiceover. Every character is actually two characters. In the first scene we're introduced to Rhett, Maureen, an old Priest, Caleb, Ameida, and Lumina. In the next two scenes we are introduced to Aaliyah, Mishak, Dannus, and Lavine. Then we're introduced to Aiden. You're just throwing a huge number of characters at us at once, and my brain is unhappy because it's trying to focus on the universe that we are in.

Not only are you introducing a bunch of characters, but you are setting up a bunch of plotlines simultaneously. Aaliyah is backing her mother into a corner. (What?) Dannus wants to know if Lavine has gotten the recording. (What?) And I know things will be explained, but our opening vibe is one of confusion and mild unhappiness.

I get my first happy feeling when Rhett and Aaliyah are in bed together. It's like Kirk getting it on with Uhura. Nice! Naughty and nice. This is the first plotline I actually understand. Adultery. I get that one. Unfortunately after introducing a promising, easy-to-understand plotline, she breaks up with him. I don't like that at all. I say keep them shallow and happy. They're doing bad things. And what keeps our interest is whether they will be discovered. Will his wife find out? Also, there have to be regulations about commanders sleeping with ensigns. This is a promising plotline that can go in many directions.

I would suggest ditching the Mom plotline completely--you've got way too much plot anyway--and focus on the Rhett, Aaliyah, Dannus romantic triangle on the ship as your B storyline. And replace that break-up conversation with a discussioin about Dannus' obsession with Aaliyah and how they might get in trouble if their superiors find out what's going on.

I think sex on the Enterprise (so to speak) is a very promising storyline.

I love your action sequence, 16-24. This is completely awesome. I can see this. It's a great inciting incident. I am on board now.

You confuse the hell out of me with Mysterious Face, Shadowed Face, Mysterious Voice. Is this all the same person (Manke) or not? If it's the same person, I feel strongly that you should give him the exact same character slug every time. Mystery Man, whatever. Just give him the same name to avoid confusion.

One thing that annoyed me was that the cargo ship was abandoned completely as a plotline. It seems to me the deaths of all these people would bother Rhett a lot. His actions (destroying their ability to move) led indirectly to the deaths of everybody on board. Wouldn't he want to investigate a little and find out why the cargo ship was out there?

I got the feeling that everybody on the cargo ship had been "reprogrammed" like Rhett and his crew, and set up for destruction. But if this was the plan, wasn't their destruction accidental? Rhett didn't kill them intentionally. Why was the cargo ship out there? Who sent them out there? Rhett might want to explore this a little.

I feel like we could use some more clarity in the "corrupted brain" storyline. I can see how Rhett was corrupted, as he downloaded data into his subconscious. But how was everybody else corrupted? Radio waves? And why did this affect only the people on the bridge and not the rest of the crew (i.e. Aiden etc.)?

By the end of the story, it appears that all the people who were corrupted were corrupted via their NC. That's how Adam had access to their brain and made everybody OCD. Yet for the majority of your story, the NC seems fine. For instance, when Dannus kills the prostitute, Dannus is acting like a really stupid computer program, and his computer program is all human and wonderful. ("What are you doing? Don't kill her!") And yet later in the story, to be free of the infection the people have to rid themselves of the NC. If the NC is infected, shouldn't the NC be malfunctioning?

The boy was Adam, right? So why is Adam telling Rhett and everybody else to free themselves from the NC? That seems like the last thing he would want them to know.

If the boy frees himself from Adam's control and self-destructs the ship, that's cool. (Seems like a difficult job for a boy to do, but hey). Maybe you should have a different set of voices for the boy, an Adam voice for when Adam is speaking, and a boy voice when he warns them to "Turn her off!"

Maybe we should have some images of brain waves being corrupted or something. Sparks in the brains. Some kind of visual manifestation of the OCD virus in the humans.

It's hard to believe that everybody in this society volunteers to install a computer program in their brains. When do you get a 100% compliance rate in humanity? I've never seen that.

Why would the authorities have to kill all the people that have been exposed to a computer virus? There's no evidence that the virus spreads to other people. (And if there was, wouldn't they quarantine them?) When one of the infected people (Dannus) kills somebody, it's like they don't even notice. Why do they assume that Dannus was a killer last week and this is normal behavior for him? That seems like a retarded assumption. If you're following people looking for signs of odd behavior, doesn't killing somebody qualify?

If the authorities suspect that the NC has been contaminated by exposure to Adam, why not take out the corupt NC and put in a new one? Why the assumption that these people cannot be a) fixed or b) restored to free will?

Why do the people in power love the NC so much and insist that everybody has one? There is no indication in your screenplay that the NC is ever bad, or a tool of the authorities. You want to break a law, the NC helps you break a law. The NC never rats you out to the authorities. The NC just suggests things and provides information. It's a nice computer. Okay. Why do the authorities care if you have one or don't have one? How does the NC keep the authorities in power?

The Rhett-Maureen-Dannus-Aaliyah confrontation is really bad. Dannus is threatening to kill people and Rhett is running to his wife and calling her "Baby." Shouldn't he be smacking the crap out of Dannus? That whole scene seems melodramatic and overwrought right now.

It seems really complicated to capture an entire crew, wipe their memory and sent them out to a place where another starship has orders to kill them. Now you've got to capture all the people on that starship and wipe their memory, too, otherwise you're going to have a morale problem. Since you've captured them, why wouldn't you just kill them? Wouldn't that be simpler? Since killing them is the plan anyway?

Why do the police have a star cruiser? That seemed a little comical to me. I imagined a starship with a blue flashing light on top. Aren't they really out of their jurisdiction now?

Mishak starts off the story being Aaliyah's NC, and then at the end of the story he's Faye's NC. I'm not sure but I think that's a mistake, right?

"Allow me to provide you with a bit of history." That's horribly clunky exposition. Maybe Rhett discovers a video file or something. Maybe these visuals are uploaded into Lumina while he's asleep.

What would be really cool is if Manke was artificial intelligence.

You have a great universe going here. Good characters and dialogue. And clever technologies especially the neuro link humans have. If this is meant to be a novel it doesn't work as a movie script. There is no momentum in the story, page 17 when something happened, the encounter with the boy. Then 32 pages later another incident, a murder. The story starts to kick in at page 81. I think if you want this story to work as a screenplay you need to start at page 81 or even 130. You wil have plenty of back story and drama from the outset.

This would make an interesting space thriller and saga as both a novel and a script, but you need to approach the two formats in different ways.

Good luck.
Mark

Script begins like a bad episode of Star Trek. It reads like old sci-fi with it's outdated ideas and philosopies. People implanted with a chip to integrate them with the matrix. Been done on Star Trek.
Who is this mysterious man? Too much strange stuf going on.

Script is too long.

make it shorter.