0
out of
1
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Good dialogue, sometimes great dialogue, elevates this script.
0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Has Potential
I generally enjoyed this script until I got the final act. The story has nice pacing and is suitably gory for horror fans (I’m not an over-the-top-gore lover, so this seemed a nice balance).
I do feel that there is a real discord (pun intended) between the synopsis + set-up in the early parts of the script and the later parts of the action in terms of who the primary focal characters are/end of being. The synopsis and the early set-up focuses on Dale and Kalie; those are the characters whose personal lives we get to see, and that puts the focus on them. However, the focal characters really end up being Polly (who I really liked and wanted more of!) and Kalie, and to a lesser extent, Pembroke.
I liked this turn of events, but I think that the earlier misdirection does not help. Yes, I was surprised when Dale was killed, but then when I realized the way the script was going, I felt cheated that I didn’t get to learn more about the other female characters before they were thrust into main roles in the action.
I also was not very sympathetic to Kalie, although this is more likely personal bias that others may not have an issue with. I thought her depiction as sitting around crying about her relationship and wanting to quit her job made her seem emotionally weak and subservient. This may have been the intention because it is a contrast to her brave actions in the end, where she steps up and makes a great sacrifice. For me, though, the initial passivity and weakness did not endear her to me.
The big problem that I think this script has, however, is that the Shadow Peoples’ motivations were only mentioned in one or two lines of dialogue that, frankly, did not make sense to me. They were trying to be like humans? Why would they need women’s uterus’s to do that? Why do they only go after women? If they want the men’s faces, why not go after the men themselves? They are clearly strong enough. None of this made any kind of sense, and this is where the script completely fell apart for me.
I think a better thought-out motivation and a much better explanation for all of the violence would make greatly improve this script.
A few specific nitpicks:
In an early scene, Dale attempts to shock a patient who has flat-lined. You can’t actually shock a flat-line. Only abnormal – but *present* – heart rhythms can be shocked back to normal; flat-lines require manual CPR and drugs.
Patients showing up with unexplained bleeding from the eyes, nose, and mouth would probably immediately trigger medical professionals to discuss and consider hemorrhagic diseases, all of which tend to be highly contagious and thus involve quarantine. Granted, the characters eventually discuss this, but I think it is unrealistic that they *don’t* discuss it for as long as they do.
Similarly, when the hospital loses power, goes dark, and stays mostly dark, my first thought was “Well, that’s not right. Hospitals have emergency generators”, and that yanked me right out of the story. No character remarks on the unrealistic nature of this for quite a while. It might be better if Dale and George notice this when they first get to the hospital to make it clear that the generator is having problem and that this is not an error of fact.
Late in action, Kalie calls Julia Pembroke by her first name. How does Kalie know it?
At the end, the CDC doctor questions Polly immediately after she wakes up. I find this unrealistic.
Overall, I enjoyed this script, and I think it has potential. I just think the Shadow People need to better explained and the focal characters developed better.
I do feel that there is a real discord (pun intended) between the synopsis + set-up in the early parts of the script and the later parts of the action in terms of who the primary focal characters are/end of being. The synopsis and the early set-up focuses on Dale and Kalie; those are the characters whose personal lives we get to see, and that puts the focus on them. However, the focal characters really end up being Polly (who I really liked and wanted more of!) and Kalie, and to a lesser extent, Pembroke.
I liked this turn of events, but I think that the earlier misdirection does not help. Yes, I was surprised when Dale was killed, but then when I realized the way the script was going, I felt cheated that I didn’t get to learn more about the other female characters before they were thrust into main roles in the action.
I also was not very sympathetic to Kalie, although this is more likely personal bias that others may not have an issue with. I thought her depiction as sitting around crying about her relationship and wanting to quit her job made her seem emotionally weak and subservient. This may have been the intention because it is a contrast to her brave actions in the end, where she steps up and makes a great sacrifice. For me, though, the initial passivity and weakness did not endear her to me.
The big problem that I think this script has, however, is that the Shadow Peoples’ motivations were only mentioned in one or two lines of dialogue that, frankly, did not make sense to me. They were trying to be like humans? Why would they need women’s uterus’s to do that? Why do they only go after women? If they want the men’s faces, why not go after the men themselves? They are clearly strong enough. None of this made any kind of sense, and this is where the script completely fell apart for me.
I think a better thought-out motivation and a much better explanation for all of the violence would make greatly improve this script.
A few specific nitpicks:
In an early scene, Dale attempts to shock a patient who has flat-lined. You can’t actually shock a flat-line. Only abnormal – but *present* – heart rhythms can be shocked back to normal; flat-lines require manual CPR and drugs.
Patients showing up with unexplained bleeding from the eyes, nose, and mouth would probably immediately trigger medical professionals to discuss and consider hemorrhagic diseases, all of which tend to be highly contagious and thus involve quarantine. Granted, the characters eventually discuss this, but I think it is unrealistic that they *don’t* discuss it for as long as they do.
Similarly, when the hospital loses power, goes dark, and stays mostly dark, my first thought was “Well, that’s not right. Hospitals have emergency generators”, and that yanked me right out of the story. No character remarks on the unrealistic nature of this for quite a while. It might be better if Dale and George notice this when they first get to the hospital to make it clear that the generator is having problem and that this is not an error of fact.
Late in action, Kalie calls Julia Pembroke by her first name. How does Kalie know it?
At the end, the CDC doctor questions Polly immediately after she wakes up. I find this unrealistic.
Overall, I enjoyed this script, and I think it has potential. I just think the Shadow People need to better explained and the focal characters developed better.
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Note: The author already has a new draft, and I just read this draft last night! I swear it was the latest draft! :)
Premise: I gave this four stars because the story did keep me interested. Zombie-esque women (for lack of a better term and to avoid spoilers) lay siege to a town. Great concept. It has twist and turns, the plot is moved ahead by the characters and not dumb luck, and it has monsters (the women) and villians as well. Normally in zombie/infection movies you just have the one adversary. The addition of a second threat (other then the played out "Humans are the real monsters" BS) was great.
Story Structure: In the beginning, we flash from character to character as we watch the infection take hold. This reminded me a lot of the old disaster films like The Raging Inferno or The Posideon Adventure, but unlike those it jumps right into the action. It's a great way to kick things off, and once all the primiary characters meet, it generally stays focused on them and their actions. I liked it.
Character: This was a mixed bag for me. Some of the characters seemed fleshed out and their dialogue was natural. But Farnsworth and Polly reminded me of NCIS, a show I hate. The coroner and the goth girl in that show seemed a lot like the coroner and his assistant in this script. And Farnsworth, just that name reminds me of Futurama. This may seem like an unfair criticism, but it can go either way. If I didn't hate that show it probably would have helped me picture the characters better. But I do hate that show, and honestly I groaned when whenever Farnsworth would appear.
But here's the thing: I don't think you need to change anything about those two characters. They work in the context of the script. I can't say "Make Farnsworth do this" because that's not the point. The point is readers will always have weird biases you can never expect. I could write the best script in the world and send it to a producer just to find out the main character is named after his son who died last week! I'm just noting it because it was something that distracted me, but I doubt other people had an issue with it.
Dialogue: Wow! I'll be surprised if this author doesn't work in the medical field. The way everyone talked to each other about complicated medical issues came off very naturally AND as a bonus, I knew exactly what they were talking about. A lot of times, writers will mash every medical or legal term into a script to show how smart they are, but not this author. He gave us enough terminology to show us he knows how doctors talk, but not so much to show how smart he is. Aside from the medical stuff, I think he has a real handle to how people in relationships talk as well, which isn't as easy as it sounds. There were a few word choices like "woo hoo!" and "This place is jumpin" that I think sound more like a script and less like real life, but guess what? Both those example happened at the beginning and the rest of the script sounded very real. Farnsworth's dialogue bugged me because it reminded me of the NCIS guy but it was natural for that character, so who am I to complain?
Emotion: lol OK I'm running out of steam, this review was longer than I thought, but let's keep moving! I thought the scene between the two nurses (Im sorry I forgot their names!) where they discussed her quitting her job was great. It was a quiet moment right before the storm hits and it seemed almost like it could springboard into a dramatic film all on it's own. It gave both of the characters an inner strength while exposing their weakness for each other. Awesome scene! Other than that, in the beginning a lot of the characters really seemed to mourn when other people died, but as the body count started to rise that sympathy seemed to disappear. It's weird when you read a script and people stop acting like there's a tradgedy and start acting like it's an action movie, but every movie of this type does that, and honestly it happens in real life too. There's a time to mourn and a time to survive!
Cons: I saw that the motivations of the main villian have been reworked in the new draft so I'll skip over that. I think it would be helpful to establish earlier why some women die and some don't because that kept me trying to figure that out than trying to figure the characters out. How did Farnsworth and Polly get away from the girl in the morgue? (The first one they see alive.) Why would you say an autopsy is complete before checking the brain? I didn't get that stuff, and some other questions that are a little more spoilery, so I'll save those until I read the next draft.
TL;DR Great script, fun read, give it a chance!