All Reviews

There really is a lot of mystery to this story; right from the beginning. Never will we know the main character's name; just Mister, which adds a lot more to the story. It makes the reader want to continue reading. It makes the reader want to know what his story is. His story becomes more than personal when we figure out what the villain has done to the Mister and his family.

The writer of this screenplay really knows how to work the reader. He knows how to keep the reader interested and knows how to get them on the side of the Mister. This truly is a great screenplay, and will make for an excellent movie.

Pros:
Good Story line
Good artwork
Good Characters
Cons:
More Character Backround

I do like this script. The civil war setting mixed with the demons/zombies is brilliant. However, that is really the only clever part. The plot is pretty straight forward, predictable, and by no means mind blowing. The author tried to tie some family background in there, but it wasn't too substantial. Heck, you would have had me if the scene where the girl was dreaming was actually real!!

Lets be honest, was anyone questioning whether or not the girl was going to disobey Mister and return to "save the day"? Nope, that sequence of events has only appeared in hundreds, if not thousands, of story lines already.

With that said, the writing and dialogue is top quality, and is what ultimately kept me entertained. This script could be turned into a solid movie. It isn't lacking in action. Like I said, I like it! Respect... congratulations

This screenplay suffers from trying to be several genres and sub genres but not being good in any of them. It tries to be a western, but fails because it's set in the pre-civil war antebellum south. It fails at trying to be southern Gothic because it tries to be a western. It fails as a horror movie because it's trying to be like "The Frighteners."

The screenplay also suffers from a great deal of cramming, with skewered margins, and overstuffed pages. Things that would automatically have gotten the screenplay tossed out by any major agency.

There's an error on the very first line of the screenplay.

How did this win the grand prize?

Love the idea of old west/supernatural! You must be a Joe Lansdale fan! Sort of reminds me of his "Deadman's Road" novel.

CONCEPT: What if a nomadic ghost hunter came across a whole village full of monsters? I think it's a good concept, one that has a lot of potential.

STORY: The story could potentially be set up better. For instance, adding more mystery by rumblings of occult activity taking place at the Mayor's farm or some such (maybe the Shopkeeper tells Mister this). Or maybe have a crazy drifter utter something prophetic to Mister as he walks on into town.

Coming up to page 42, Mister had not faced insurmountable odds yet. I always thought he'd make it out alive by either killing the monster or running away. This could be improved.

By page 51 we learn Mister lost a wife and son to something demonic. Which is good, giving Mister a history, a reason to do what he does. I think Mister could do with more of a backstory, though. Maybe make him an ex-priest.

By page 62 Mister's goal changes to going back to Blackburn Burrow and killing the 30 or so monsters there, stating that it is more or less his duty and that only he is capable of destroying them. I think this is a bit of a weak motivation. After all, Mister and Merrin haven't really been in danger ever since escaping from the town.

By the end of page 70 Mister is on his way to Blackburn burrow with a map made for him by Merrin. Personally, I think there needs to be more at stake them simply his duty. Also, Harper, the Army commander, just trusts Mister to take care of business without even asking what's going on. I would've rather there have been a subplot with Harper, him being a coward perhaps, and perhaps going with Mister there to clear the town of monsters (maybe even make him a skeptic) but when things get tough, he turns on Mister and runs away. But maybe he ends up coming back to save Mister in the end.

I think, overall, the stakes that drive him into Blackburn Burrow need to be higher—like Merrin has been kidnapped by the demons, or is herself possessed, and Harper's army wants her dead. Ergo, Mister has to save Merrin before Harper kills her. Mister, obviously, would need to be assured that he can exorcize the demons in Merrin first. Maybe he used to be an ex-priest or some such.

The Missing Soldier Monster tells Merrin they can't die, they live off of fear, so the only way to kill them is to not fear them. It is Batman-Villain-esque. Not good.

Raise the stakes. Doing such will make this story that much better.

CHARACTERS: Mister is a bit strange. He's one-part aloof, invincible, wisecracking ghost killer around almost everyone and one-part talky, sensitive caretaker when he's with Merrin. Not that that's bad. I just felt like his character might be almost just as quiet around Merrin as he is everyone else.

Merrin is a bit strange, too. I mean, would she really trust Mister right away, when she first meets him in town? It might be plausible all things considered, it just feels a bit contrived, or unbelievable, the way it is set-up. But still, overall, it is plausible.

With Harper I felt there was a missed opportunity. He never gave Mister any problems. I think he should have ended up being a thorn in Mister's side. Such would've added to the conflict.

The Monsters were pretty run-of-the-mill. It was disappointing to see them talk so much in the end, toying with the hero. It really took away from their gruesomeness, I thought. Plus, when the Missing Soldier Monster tells Merrin how they can be killed, that just seemed like something a Batman Villain might do.

STRUCTURE: The first act was good for the most part, with Mister meeting Merrin and agreeing to accompany her to safety. That way we have a goal for Mister, get to the Mayor's farm.

I think the second act, however, lacked in horrific scenes, with only the escape from the Mayor's farmhouse and the Merrin's dream serving to horrify the reader to some degree. I think a lot more could be set up in this act. Maybe hint that the world is in danger, use the relief to suggest such.

The third act simply lacked stakes. Mister doesn't even discover that the monsters are coming to take over the world until late in the third act. If anything, something along those lines should be driving the third act to some degree.

Mister also appears far too good in that third act. He really doesn't have any flaw. Add to that overconfident enemies which toy with him verbally and that substantially reduces the antagonist's formidability. The reader needs to think that Mister is facing some pretty epic odds here, seemingly insurmountable. I think a lot could be done to make this third act better than it is.

The ending sets up for a sequel and suggests a new foe. But Mister doesn't even fear killing his son, so that sort of takes away from any tension that could come down the line.

DIALOGUE: While the dialogue was long in parts, I felt that, overall, it was well-written and fitting.

OVERALL: It's a good script. But there is room for improvement. And I think this concept is definitely worth spending some time on to improve.

The actions lines are mountainous. Just scanning a few pages and seeing such big blocks of text will turn a lot of readers off instantly. Surprisingly, though, I found that the blocks of text didn't always slow down the read. But they did puff up this story to make it seem bigger than it is. I would reduce them to three lines max. Focus on showing only the pertinent information.

An interesting time and place for a standard zombie type movie. It hit all the beats, but... it hit all the beats. There just didn't seem to be anything different about this movie -- we're already familiar with its twists and turns. On the positive side, I like the Mister character. I like his gun. Merrin starts to feel a little too 'True Grit' for me, but to each his own. The visual details were well-fleshed, but felt a little too dense at times. The story (and the genre) gets a little convoluted, especially with the introduction of another bad guy and plot right at the end.