I think your premise is awesome. I love your science talk. You discuss the scientific issues involved in layman's terms, and it's really easy to follow. You have a gift for writing science in a way that is interesting. I think your lab scenes involving your protagonist talking about the science are way more interesting than your normal scenes. Do you have a science background? I am very impressed with your ability to excite us about science and scientific possibilities.
Have you applied for a Sloan grant yet? They specialize in giving money to filmmakers with projects that have science themes. Here you go:
http://www.sloan.org/program/18
I haven't researched the Sloan grants--I suck at science--but I believe that nothing in that grant would conflict with the option that you granted A.S. in the work. So try to get some free money.
Before you submit your screenplay to Sloan, let give you my feedback.
Your non-science scenes need a lot of work. Your bad guy is unbelievable. Right now he's a cartoon. He's competing with your hero scientist for grant money. And he's a contract killer on the side. And he's trying to steal your hero's wife.
I think you need to start over with your villain. Right now he's like Satan the Scientist. He needs to be way more realistic. I believe in your hero. He's a real guy. Now give that authenticity to your bad guy as well. Really focus on him. Think of the story from his point of view.
For instance, why is he a contract killer? Doesn't he like being a scientist? I would abandon contract killer. But if you keep it, you really need to set this up better. (We don't discover his debt to the mob until late in the screenplay). Right now it's like he's diabolical because it's a plot device. Also his rocket arrow noose strangulation technique seemed aerodynamically impossible to me.
Why is the bad guy romancing the scientist's wife? That seems like a huge coincidence. Again, this seems more like a plot device than a real event.
One possibility that might work, is that he's romancing the scientist's wife in order to distract our hero from his mission to win the grant money. That would remove the "coincidence" problem. But you have to set that up.
I would omit the scene where the boss at the institute yells at the bad guy. It makes the bad guy look weak. You want the bad guy looking strong. I think we want our hero to be the underdog, overcoming great odds. For the same reason, I would rethink the scene where the bad guy finds out that all his test subjects are dying. It makes your bad guy seem incompetent and it came too soon in your screenplay.
Instead, you might add a scene where the boss yells at the hero. "You're too distracted with your family problems. You need to get your head in the game." A scene like that would motivate your other storyline, the love triangle with the angry wife. And maybe the bad guy overhears that conversation, and that sparks his intent to ruin their marriage.
I have another suggestion: test animals. Wouldn't a scientist test the vibration machine on a chimp before using it himself? Chimps would add humor and a lot of fun to the lab scenes.
You need to do a better job of crafting a story around the vibration device. Right now, almost all your conflicts are about the love triangle. I would focus on the science competition--that's your primary story. And that's where your strongest writing is, too. Maybe something goes wrong with the device. Maybe the bad guy steals it and is using it to commit crimes. Or he makes his own scientific breakthrough. Kind of like Hollow Man when the power of the scientific discovery made the scientist mad. What if the bad guy's scientific discovery is what inspires him to crime? And what if our good scientist uses his scientific discovery to stop him?
Or here's another possibility. You might open with a rivalry between the two scientists. Imagine a credit sequence where the two play practical "jokes" on each other's work. You could show the rivalry in a kind of humorous fashion. Kind of like the scene where our hero runs into a wall. That was funny. If you bring your bad guy down to human level, and they have a friendly rivalry, that would set the stage for a bigger conflict. Their boss calls them into his office and lets them know that there is a $1,000,000 grant competition, and it's between the two of them. The winner gets the money and the loser gets kicked out. (Kind of like that scene in Glengarry Glen Ross).
I think we need a scene like that, an inciting incident. And our bad guy's arc is like this: he goes from friendly rival who engages in shenanigans to deadly serious enemy who is determined to crush his foe. And he will go to any lengths to stop our hero. Something like that. Really motivate your bad guy and give him a human face. Right now he's a cartoon. I didn't believe in him at all.
Have you applied for a Sloan grant yet? They specialize in giving money to filmmakers with projects that have science themes. Here you go:
http://www.sloan.org/program/18
I haven't researched the Sloan grants--I suck at science--but I believe that nothing in that grant would conflict with the option that you granted A.S. in the work. So try to get some free money.
Before you submit your screenplay to Sloan, let give you my feedback.
Your non-science scenes need a lot of work. Your bad guy is unbelievable. Right now he's a cartoon. He's competing with your hero scientist for grant money. And he's a contract killer on the side. And he's trying to steal your hero's wife.
I think you need to start over with your villain. Right now he's like Satan the Scientist. He needs to be way more realistic. I believe in your hero. He's a real guy. Now give that authenticity to your bad guy as well. Really focus on him. Think of the story from his point of view.
For instance, why is he a contract killer? Doesn't he like being a scientist? I would abandon contract killer. But if you keep it, you really need to set this up better. (We don't discover his debt to the mob until late in the screenplay). Right now it's like he's diabolical because it's a plot device. Also his rocket arrow noose strangulation technique seemed aerodynamically impossible to me.
Why is the bad guy romancing the scientist's wife? That seems like a huge coincidence. Again, this seems more like a plot device than a real event.
One possibility that might work, is that he's romancing the scientist's wife in order to distract our hero from his mission to win the grant money. That would remove the "coincidence" problem. But you have to set that up.
I would omit the scene where the boss at the institute yells at the bad guy. It makes the bad guy look weak. You want the bad guy looking strong. I think we want our hero to be the underdog, overcoming great odds. For the same reason, I would rethink the scene where the bad guy finds out that all his test subjects are dying. It makes your bad guy seem incompetent and it came too soon in your screenplay.
Instead, you might add a scene where the boss yells at the hero. "You're too distracted with your family problems. You need to get your head in the game." A scene like that would motivate your other storyline, the love triangle with the angry wife. And maybe the bad guy overhears that conversation, and that sparks his intent to ruin their marriage.
I have another suggestion: test animals. Wouldn't a scientist test the vibration machine on a chimp before using it himself? Chimps would add humor and a lot of fun to the lab scenes.
You need to do a better job of crafting a story around the vibration device. Right now, almost all your conflicts are about the love triangle. I would focus on the science competition--that's your primary story. And that's where your strongest writing is, too. Maybe something goes wrong with the device. Maybe the bad guy steals it and is using it to commit crimes. Or he makes his own scientific breakthrough. Kind of like Hollow Man when the power of the scientific discovery made the scientist mad. What if the bad guy's scientific discovery is what inspires him to crime? And what if our good scientist uses his scientific discovery to stop him?
Or here's another possibility. You might open with a rivalry between the two scientists. Imagine a credit sequence where the two play practical "jokes" on each other's work. You could show the rivalry in a kind of humorous fashion. Kind of like the scene where our hero runs into a wall. That was funny. If you bring your bad guy down to human level, and they have a friendly rivalry, that would set the stage for a bigger conflict. Their boss calls them into his office and lets them know that there is a $1,000,000 grant competition, and it's between the two of them. The winner gets the money and the loser gets kicked out. (Kind of like that scene in Glengarry Glen Ross).
I think we need a scene like that, an inciting incident. And our bad guy's arc is like this: he goes from friendly rival who engages in shenanigans to deadly serious enemy who is determined to crush his foe. And he will go to any lengths to stop our hero. Something like that. Really motivate your bad guy and give him a human face. Right now he's a cartoon. I didn't believe in him at all.
Good luck.