We don't usually see such detail about the cast. Lots of work went into creating it, but I wonder if the readers will appreciate that.
I probably mentioned before that the first action paragraph is very lengthy and would be a turn off for a speed reader who typically takes in a maximum of four text lines per click.
I see passive voice and continuous tense.
Maybe the first long action might work better as a montage of typical shout action paragraphs.
We get the comedy set-up from the information revealed in the paragraph, but I don't see the on-screen visuals of it.
For example, what visual clue do I get for this? "A restaurant called "The Mad Male" offers estrogen free beef from England."
Great the way the job interview goes! 10K for stuffing envelopes. Wow !
The long action paragraph on page 11 scene 4 might also work better as a montage of short action.
I'm just thinking about the mechanics of reading the script. I have a tendency to only retain the first and last sentence of long paragraphs.
Page 15 action not film-able. "They are both on steroids and work out and consequently are very muscular for women."
That one paragraph on page 15 begs to be a montage of short action.
The funny scenes on page 22 might stand out more with modern style. Let me try and see:
--------------------------------------------
Howard holds the rail; looks faint. Dale slaps him on the back, hard.
BOOM, shotgun blasts. Girls scream. Diana falls as if shot.
Diana's friends carry her away.
Howard, in shock, holds his head, fearful. He drops the shotgun.
------------------------------------------
I see some tendency in recent scripts here on Amazon to deceive. (Example Villain - A robot kills the protagonist in the beginning. He shows up alive at the end)
I don't like that. But if we followed that tendency we would leave off the, "as if shot." and shorten it to, "Diana falls."
That might work since the next few paragraphs clear it up.
Page 28 Character names in action paragraphs need only be in all caps the first time the character is introduced.
Page 32 Very funny situation with the boobs.
Page 36 The girls get away with the disguise, seems a little over the top. But, hey, it's a comedy, so it works.
The outrageously funny comedy continues through to the wedding at the end.
We don't usually see such detail about the cast. Lots of work went into creating it, but I wonder if the readers will appreciate that.
I probably mentioned before that the first action paragraph is very lengthy and would be a turn off for a speed reader who typically takes in a maximum of four text lines per click.
I see passive voice and continuous tense.
Maybe the first long action might work better as a montage of typical shout action paragraphs.
We get the comedy set-up from the information revealed in the paragraph, but I don't see the on-screen visuals of it.
For example, what visual clue do I get for this?
"A restaurant called "The Mad Male" offers estrogen free beef from England."
Great the way the job interview goes! 10K for stuffing envelopes. Wow !
The long action paragraph on page 11 scene 4 might also work better as a montage of short action.
I'm just thinking about the mechanics of reading the script. I have a tendency to only retain the first and last sentence of long paragraphs.
Page 15 action not film-able.
"They are both on steroids and work out and consequently are very muscular for women."
That one paragraph on page 15 begs to be a montage of short action.
The funny scenes on page 22 might stand out more with modern style. Let me try and see:
--------------------------------------------
Howard holds the rail; looks faint. Dale slaps him on the back, hard.
BOOM, shotgun blasts. Girls scream. Diana falls as if shot.
Diana's friends carry her away.
Howard, in shock, holds his head, fearful. He drops the shotgun.
------------------------------------------
I see some tendency in recent scripts here on Amazon to deceive. (Example Villain - A robot kills the protagonist in the beginning. He shows up alive at the end)
I don't like that. But if we followed that tendency we would leave off the, "as if shot." and shorten it to, "Diana falls."
That might work since the next few paragraphs clear it up.
Page 28
Character names in action paragraphs need only be in all caps the first time the character is introduced.
Page 32
Very funny situation with the boobs.
Page 36
The girls get away with the disguise, seems a little over the top. But, hey, it's a comedy, so it works.
The outrageously funny comedy continues through to the wedding at the end.
Still loved the story. Great read.