Descriptive passages should never include things you can't see in the moment. They should only say what you're actually seeing on screen right this second. You need to eliminate things like "Electron specializes in supercomputers and electronics." Instead show us a moment that illustrates this.
Another example: Don't say a character is "never without a cigar." Instead, show him in the toilet with a cigar, or whatever. Show how it irritates everyone. Create conflict.
Characters should never just say things that we can see, like "The engine's blowing smoke!" Minimize and economize the dialogue.
You've made MIPS have a human personality ... but of course, it's differences in personality that make characters interesting in how they interact, not similarities. You have a chance to create dramatic tension by having a character with an extreme, non-human personality -- don't throw it away, use it. More HAL, less Twikki.
Houston has people monitoring everything that astronauts are doing every second of every day. They don't need to be told about weird instrument readings. I think you need to do more research on the space program.
Even sketchy evidence of an alien spacecraft -- seeing something big moving behind the moon - would be create a massive freakout among the observers. Everyone working in the space program has been waiting for this all their lives ... it isn't just a "call the president" moment. You need to get more inside the heads of your characters, create stronger emotions and reactions, build scenes with depth.
No astronaut will admit he couldn't "get back in the saddle." Jack should be an adrenaline junkie, outwardly denying any kind of fear. Let the psychological damage lurk under the surface.
There are maybe aliens behind the moon and what they care about is the new computer? I think you need to revisit the way the plot unfolds ... The alien threat either needs to be much more subtly and slowly revealed, which allows other concerns to guide the characters' actions until it's too late to have many options ... or they need to react more realistically to the situation that's presented.
I think if you focus your second draft on shortening, economizing, taking a second pass at the dialogue and making it less "on the nose," and focusing more on characterization, you can take your intriguing concept a big step forward. Good luck!
Another example: Don't say a character is "never without a cigar." Instead, show him in the toilet with a cigar, or whatever. Show how it irritates everyone. Create conflict.
Characters should never just say things that we can see, like "The engine's blowing smoke!" Minimize and economize the dialogue.
You've made MIPS have a human personality ... but of course, it's differences in personality that make characters interesting in how they interact, not similarities. You have a chance to create dramatic tension by having a character with an extreme, non-human personality -- don't throw it away, use it. More HAL, less Twikki.
Houston has people monitoring everything that astronauts are doing every second of every day. They don't need to be told about weird instrument readings. I think you need to do more research on the space program.
Even sketchy evidence of an alien spacecraft -- seeing something big moving behind the moon - would be create a massive freakout among the observers. Everyone working in the space program has been waiting for this all their lives ... it isn't just a "call the president" moment. You need to get more inside the heads of your characters, create stronger emotions and reactions, build scenes with depth.
No astronaut will admit he couldn't "get back in the saddle." Jack should be an adrenaline junkie, outwardly denying any kind of fear. Let the psychological damage lurk under the surface.
There are maybe aliens behind the moon and what they care about is the new computer? I think you need to revisit the way the plot unfolds ... The alien threat either needs to be much more subtly and slowly revealed, which allows other concerns to guide the characters' actions until it's too late to have many options ... or they need to react more realistically to the situation that's presented.
I think if you focus your second draft on shortening, economizing, taking a second pass at the dialogue and making it less "on the nose," and focusing more on characterization, you can take your intriguing concept a big step forward. Good luck!