All Reviews

You've done a great job creating this world (or perhaps better, these worlds). I can see the movie you are writing. With all the exotic names for people, places, and ships, things become hard to follow. I like that you show the "human" side of the characters, but I think with sci-fi, they need to be secondary to the plot. But... I'm not sure what the plot is.

The Prisoner -- I'm assuming he's the boy in the ship Vennecius -- makes an appearance early, then basically disappears. The story then feels like an episode of NYPD Blue crossed with a soap opera. I don't quite get why, A. Dannus turns into a psycho, and B. because of a bad date, Aaliyah decides that Rhett is no question the guy for her.

A whole array of characters get introduced and it's difficult to remember who's who. The dialogue is witty at times, too on-the-nose at other times. I don't get how Dannus is back on the Leviathan as though nothing has happened. Aaliyah disappears for long stretches.

What happened to the Prisoner? He seems like an afterthought. Is Adam supposed to be the prisoner? If so, that needs to be made clearer and also, there needs to be a progression of scenes that lead us to Adam's appearance. Right now, it feels like he comes out of the blue. At the end, Rhett has all these heavy scenes with Faye... nothing that has preceded this really prepares us for this.

It's no small feat making the fantastic believable. You've done that here and there's a lot of good stuff, but I think things need to be coalesced into a much tighter and clearer plot. I think the question of "who is the Prisoner of Alpha Prime?" needs to be a thread throughout the story, building to the payoff of Adam's appearance (assuming he is the Prisoner -- and if he's not, he should be).

Great title, btw.