All Reviews

It's obvious why this script has been a winner. Good luck with it. Some copy edits and a couple of minor ideas for what they're worth.

Page 9: typo. "Breathe" instead of "breath."

CRAWLSPACE
Sara doesn’t dare breath, her eyes wide and staring.

Page 14: typo. "Hear" instead of "here."

All three Sailors promptly jump Jack.
SARA
(rushing over)
Seamen! Stand down! You here me?!

Page 16: Recommend breaking into two sentences. Full stop at "victory," new sentence begins "If we don't stop it..."

Fascism is spreading across the
face of Europe, and growing
stronger with every victory, if we
don’t stop it, it will consume the
whole world.

Page 19: Drop "While" from beginning of second sentence.

Sara, NAVY CAPTAIN WITTMORE (50s), and MARINE MAJOR JOHNSON
(40s) occupy one side of a conference table. While NAVY CHIEF
O’DELL (30s, glasses, very by-the-book) occupies the other.

Page 22: typo. "An" instead of "and."

CAPTAIN WITTMORE
No Commander. Not an act of war.
But and act...

Page 26: possible anachronism. I don't think the term "give it up" was used until fairly recently. For the period, I think "How about another round of applause" or "Let's hear it for" works better.

BARON BOB (OVER THE PA)
Ladies and gentlemen, please give
it up for the one, the only, the
fearless, Major Jack Danger!

Page 26 and throughout: typo. Small anachronism, but for period's sake, Sara should be referred to as "Miss" instead of "Ms." There's a slight difference in pronunciation, and the term didn't exist in the 1940s.

CAPTAIN WITTMORE
Mr. Danger, the reason Ms. Ashford
brought you here is because we need
a pilot who can perform the skyhook
maneuver.

Page 27: Jack is a rogue, but since he's the hero, you might want to soften this a bit to keep the audience sympathetic. What if instead, you wrote the first line below to read, "Well, my country's gratitude doesn't put food on my table" or "Well, my country's gratitude doesn't pay my bills" or something similar.

JACK
I don’t give a damn about no
country! So there better be
something else you have to offer.

Page 28: typo. "Manoeuvre" is not used in the earlier references to the skyhook. Should be consistent, either maneuver or this way, but not both.

CAPTAIN WITTMORE
All right. If you can perform the
skyhook manoeuvre, then you’ve got
yourself a deal.

Page 47: typo. "Sarah" appears instead of "Sara."

Sarah is thrown out the open doorway.

Page 47: typo. Should read "breaks the surface."

Jack breaks surfaces.

Page 52: recommend reversing the order of these two sentences. First thought when reading now is, "How is O'Dell getting to the hole to patch it?"

O'Dell squeezes a tube of adhesive onto a circular patch.
Presses the patch over the hole. Then holds it tight.

O’Dell sits on a bosun’s chair suspended from the top of the
blimp’s envelope.

Page 52: typo, fragment. "Mans" instead of "man's." Recommend this as "Johnson hovers impatiently over him, while O'Dell mans the controls."

Johnson hovers impatiently over him. While
O’Dell man’s the controls.

Page 56: typo. "Second to last" instead of "second last."

That’s the
second last landmark. Your job is
to find the last one.

Page 72: typo. Should read "One Nazi crumples with a spear in his chest..."

One Nazis crumples with spear in his chest, while the other
three saturate the jungle with SUBMACHINE GUN FIRE,
slaughtering the fearless Pygmies.

Page 73: typo. "Whistle" instead of "whistles."

More BULLETS WHISTLES past.

Page 77: typo. Search for "manoeuvres" and replace all with "maneuvers."
Jack pulls several evasive manoeuvres,
then banks sharply towards the Drake.

Page 79: typo. "Damned" instead of "damn."

And I'll be damn if
I'll risk any more lives over some
mythological temple.

Page 79: Getting really close to Raiders of the Lost Ark here with the discussion of mythological weapon, occult. Do you need it?

Page 80: typo. "its" instead of "it's."

Passing underneath it's giant tail fins,

Page 99: I don't think soldiers would gather their dead comrades in a pile, not even Nazis. I think they would lay them out in a line with their faces covered.

A large pile of bodies is forming as dead Nazis are brought
in from the surrounding jungle. The Marines certainly gave
better than they got.

Page 99: typo. "its" instead of "it's."

The golden cube remains nestled within the stone pillar, but
it's lid has now been pried open.

Page 100: typo. Singular "antenna," plural "antennae."
The view moves across the
clearing to the half-track, which also has a radio antennae.

Page 106. This is a cool idea, but 235 is not the weight of Uranium-235. What if instead of relying on our arbitrary element table, you had the cuneiform describe the characteristics of uranium in the same very cool way you had the village elder describe the Zeppelin? Something like, "Knowledge... of how... to split... the core of this element... two sets of 92 smaller components... binds 143 other components... (looks up, horrified)
That's uranium.

SARA
Knowledge... of how... to split...
element... 92... weight... 235.
(looks up, horrified)
That's uranium.

Page 115: typo. "approaches" instead of "approach."

Unseen behind them, the Drake’s drop car slowly approach with
the four Marines on board.

Page 128. typo. "its" instead of "it's."

It's duralumin trusses look very much like the
skeleton of some gigantic beast.

There are a lot of positives about this script. Great pitch! Money Pitch! It got my attention and i read the whole script based on the pitch in my own spare time! I like the setting, the jungle and the use of Zeppelins.

Characters were okay. I thought they were a little cookie cutter. I wanted something a bit different with this because there is such a great setup. I wanted the Villain to have more personality. I wanted to dislike the guy and i didn't.

This would play as the next Indiana Jones film in terms of setup.

I liked the structure, it kept me reading. The set piece near the end is a good one. I would have liked more laughs in this adventure film.

Another four or five good laughs would really drive it home for me.

This was a fun romp to read through. Good comedic moments such as the scene where one of the characters yells out something in a high pitched voice because of the leaking helium. Now I know that you are already deep into your test movies, I hope some of my suggestions can help you along the way.

In the opening scenes we are introduced to Sara and her father. After her father is killed, Sara presumedly flees. The next scene is that of  Jack Danger and his amazing flying abilities. Then Jack meets Sara after his aerobics. These scenes had me thrown a bit for a looping had me asking these questions. Why was Sara in the United States all of a sudden - to recruit a flyer for her mission? Why didn't she recruit in England? 

Suggestion - start the Jack Danger scene with Sara first then have Jack flying in etc. expand on why she's in the United States in the first place as opposed to England as she is British. Can she be American?

Jack Danger is an interesting character but I feel that he needs to be more of a take charge man despite his reluctance to take on the mission but does so for the gold.

Just my thoughts here and with the right set of rewrites this will hit the  theaters I'm sure.

Action is great.

Love story a bit forced, I didn't like she turns him down after they kiss. Not too clear to me why.

I would make her character more feisty. How many Germans did she kill? She has to settle the
account with the man who killed her father. Doesn't she?

All in all it would make a great action movie. Good luck!

Good story line. you need to lose all the cussing, it takes away form the quality of the story.