All Reviews

I don’t think we’re going to like your girl heroes. Some of your raunchy bits are funny (“My vag hurts every time I get near a baby”). It’s amusing, but it’s also rude and vulgar.

Compare your girls to the characters in Almost Famous, with its likable groupies. Why do we like them? We like Kate Hudson’s character because all her sex scenes are off-camera. She doesn’t flash anybody or talk about her vagina. In fact, she’s in love. She’s 16 years old and a lot more innocent than she realizes.

Your girls are young, too, but not that young. Seven years older than Kate Hudson’s character. And quite a bit more cynical and jaded. Neither of these girls are in love with anybody. They’re flashing their bodies to get what they want, obsessing about sex, and mocking all the men in their lives.

The absence of love in your story is a killer.

Right now it seems to me that this story has a pretty severe vibe-shift from a raunchy buddy comedy to a rom-com (without any romance). Kimmy’s pregnancy makes Reeves completely irrelevant. What’s her arc? Mom buddy? Your audience is going to be looking around for a dad. And that’s a problem, as the parents of the baby have no feelings for each other.

I like that Kimmy gets pregnant. It reminds us all that girls do get pregnant and you really ought to have love in your heart when you have sex with people. But there’s no love in your story. So it’s not romantic at all. In fact, the vibe I get is that Kimmy wants to have a rock star baby, and maybe be famous and have a lot of money, too. That’s an ugly vibe.

In a couple of scenes she gets very angry when Zander sleeps with other women. Does she love him now? When did that happen? There’s no chemistry at all between the two of them.

You have some cute visuals. I like all the musicians touching her belly for good luck. Zander’s desire to find rock motivation in parenthood is funny.

But there’s no romance in this comedy at all. It’s the least romantic triangle I’ve ever seen. Randy is in love with Kimmy and wants to be a father to her baby. (Are you sure this is the character you want to mock? Why?) And Zander wants to be a dad (but not too much) and has no feelings for Kimmy one way or the other.

It’s really hard to bring a baby into a raunchy sex comedy. All the humor disappears. We’re worried about the baby now. I think it’s a noble idea--more raunchy sex comedies should have unintended pregnancies, it would reflect reality--but it’s really hard to pull this off.

Right now this isn’t working, at least for me.

This is definitely a movie waiting to happen. With the wave of quirky, offbeat comedies that have hit the big screen and the tv screen in the past 5-10 years, this fits right in. It shares a tone with something like "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and has a clear kindred spirit in "Knocked Up", but I think it could find additional inspiration in a film like "Dan in Real Life". What it has in droves is big laughs, what it needs in part is the roller coaster ride of emotions that makes onscreen romance so gut-wrenching when done right.

I should note that after taking one look at the cover image - i assumed wrongly that no one who takes themselves or their script seriously would submit that cover. So I delayed reading it. I regret judging it by it's cover, it was a great read. Having said that - that cover sucks. hahaha

GENERAL NOTES TO THE WRITER:

The writing is great right from the start, very comedic and with a lighthearted 'Thelma and Louise' vibe at the start which I think is a great way to open things up. Lines about an 'aching vag' and people 'taking it in the no no' are brutally honest and will make people laugh from embarrassing places.

p18 - Personally, I think they get into the concert a little too quick. The road trip aspect, or at least stopping at a gas station and having a conversation with people about the concert, or witnessing something foreshadowing - this could add more buildup. Right now it's like a wave carries them to the next juncture in the plot. Show us that Kimmy and Reeves are cool, funny and weird by contrasting them with people outside their home town. Show us that it is liberating to get out of town and go to the fantasy world of a concert. Build it up a bit.

Since people will think of the Aldous character from "sarah marshall" and "get him to the greek" - maybe re-think the zander character. You could go bigger or in a tangential direction in terms of stage persona.

Whatever the case, the line "sex dripping like spring rain in a national park" made me think that you, sir, are a poet.

p23 - i think the girls should have more of a reaction about stank and zander. what is their first impression? are the interested or repulsed? there's more drama when people meet or exceed expectations than if they simply exist un-assessed.

p23 - sorry, the whole 'you should tolerate rape' line is off the mark.

p26 - spelling. i think you meant 'she could peel the metal of _a_ pole.' if SHE'S got a pole, it's a whole different story.

p32 - spelling/grammer - "make it up to you"

p34 the Anderson Cooper cameo is great

p37 - for ease of writing, maybe call the character MEXICAN RANDY JACKSON

p39 - confusing writing. I don't think you establish Reeves as being in the bar. Is Kimmy there too?

p42 - the 'tuners' discussion is laugh out loud funny. this is GREAT

p49 - seeing someone 'on the down low' sounds a little bisexual, which may or may not have been the intent. they're rock stars, so i'm just sayin'

p57 - maybe shorten and sweeten this hilarious line... an unwanted pregnancy and maybe the beach if we have time. either way, this is COMEDY

p64 - might be better to save the blackmail for later, and for now they get fired. adds drama and they can always come back with the idea for a stank concert and get their jobs back. NOTE: definitely saw that coming - but I like the 'acoustic' touch that was nice.

p67 - it works as is, but a part of me thinks zander should get out and meet the parents in some grandiose, alienating manner. maybe with a weird gift.

p69 - FUNNIEST LINE IN MOVIE - "i cannot look at fries". WOW what a story. the entire confession sequence is amazing. THIS is the trailer of the movie hahaha

p73 - please go back an add an awkward convo between ted and zander around page 67 so that we can think about it when ted says his lines here

p76 - nice description - decadence is waking up from a long day's nap. impressive.

p79 - maybe add a moment where she grabs reeves or reeves grabs her and says 'let's go' and they drive off. right now it's just like a dissolve or something, which will seem lazy and disconcerting onscreen.

i think you could pull at heartstrings more in this area. maybe the girls have a slightly deeper convo about whether or not zander would be a good dad. so that when she sees what she sees on the tour bus, it's like the wind gets pushed out of her sails. she feels despair. and then they leave.

p84 - the question mark is unneeded after "but i was renting this place for kimmy?"

personally, I think we need more of an emotional connection between zander and kimmy. like if zander scoured the whole town to find her, and then they have a romantic moment. in my opinion it's better if you take the audience up and down on an emotional roller coaster. sometimes we should be saying 'they're such a great couple - he might change his ways for her, and look at how she glows around him' - and other times we should say 'this will never work'. "Dan in Real Life" did a good job with a roller coaster of emotion with the whole forbidden love and stolen moments sequences. Right now their relationship only hits the notes "this is doomed" and "this is fun!"

p99 - spelling - theodore not theodoore i'm guessing

p105 - damn jacco that's pretty messed up


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OTHER NOTES:

It's awkward that Randy is known as plan B, in light of the effect of the prescription medication of the same name.

I think the decor of the house could provide great visual contrast. As in, they buy, not rent, the house next door. Or actually move the neighbors out of the house next door instead of it being conveniently available -and do some major construction. it becomes like the playboy mansion with maybe a cove connecting the two back yards. Remember in 'Coming to America' when Semi spruced up the apartment and Akim got pissed? Sort of like that. The two homes side by side, with Ted out mowing the lawn and Bazo sucking himself off or Jacco pissing on the flowers - something like that could be good.

Ted and Janet have amazing back-and-forth potential, even on top of what you already have.

The current ending is predictable and a little drab. You've started so well and have some epic aspects of act 2, I think you can do better with the finale. Surprise us a little. Shock us. It's a Closed Script - so it's your move.

Overall impression - it's solid and worth a read. For a first draft, I think there is some great foundation here. I thought the dialogue was, for the most part, engaging and funny. Lots of jokes and high energy. It doesn't need a complete overhaul.

Strengths:
The dialogue is fairly strong throughout. The story set ups pay off for the most part. I think the energy overall keeps the reader engaged.

Weaknesses:
While a comedy, the script could use some fine tuning with regard to creating a stronger emotional arc between Kimmy and Zander. There are a few instances of connecting, like with the montage sequence, but would like to see more interaction between the two main characters.

The script is a great read. I like the premise that the only way to stay inspired and light hearted, not taking yourself seriously, is to learn how to start taking other things serious. And taking yourself seriously is the end of any inspiration. Randy and Z are the opposite of each other, and it's right that the polarization between this two attitudes towards the pursuit of inspiration is triggered by Kimmy, and construed around her. I also like the fact that both, Randy and Z kind of continue to coexist in Kimmy's life. I think that is a true attempt to strike this humanity and menscheit cord, that comedies need to serve in the end. Maybe this could even be made stronger by hinting at some point at the fact that maybe the only difference between Randy and Z is that Z is a early rising star and Randy just ... slow. That difference is often enough to turn to human beings in very different person, leading to very different attitudes towards life. The fact that the song Randy plays towards the end is actually 'not that bad' is somehow suggesting that.

In all this, the weak spot is ... , because the pursuit of inspiration is such a central topic, .... the robe-man! Of course he is a fraud. But he is a serious fraud. Even if he is only a charlatan, he needs to remain credible, when indicating the path to recover your inspiration. I think he should be definitely be someone who is a bit better in believing in himself as an inspirational caracter. He somehow can't be cinical about his own fraudulance. In fact if he would believe in him self a little bit more, that would actually make him an even bigger fraud. This is the beauty with inspirational figures, charlatans or not: they do believe in themselves, and it's really what they make with it, that decides if they will be good or bad.
So of course the robeman is vain, but that is also why he can be a charming caracter. Rather then being a fraud, he should be very charismatic, and of course he wants Z's money. Still he can end up being of help to Z by accident. He could be a sort of Great Lebowsky guy, where you do ask yourself how you can be so laid back, and there is something budistic about his dudeness. I would like fore example to see the robeman being like overweighted but, for some magic a skateboard champ, or something like that .... which would do the trick with me: i would buy what ever you tell me, if you can pull some of this tricks infront of my eyes, even on a topic that has nothing to do with that skill (if you read Alister Campel's journal, as Blairs spin doctor, the only person who got some credit in his eyes is Gerhard Schroeder bouncing a football life on camera at some G7 meeting, or remember the 3 pointer that Obama shot life when visiting the troups in Irak). He would still be vain ... and a very lazy guy sounding in what he says like a SPA advertisment who encourage you to 'indulge your soul'.
With the robeman a more consistant character i would love the script.

I know I’m reading a great script when the scenes of the movie play out in my head as I read along. This is what happened when I read Rock Daddy, a hilarious script by Chad Pennington.

The script was well-paced and flowed along easily for most of the 117 pages. Although, I felt the last act was a bit rushed. It seemed as if too much was being crammed into a certain number of pages.

The material at times was a bit raunchy, but nowhere near some of the comedies that are released in theaters today. Most of the jokes hit their marks with me, as I found myself laughing out loud at times. I thought the robed man was great, and the last scene was hilarious.

My favorite characters were Kimmy and Reeves. I loved the relationship between the two women and the strongest and funniest scenes were with them interacting. They sort of reminded me of a cross between Romy & Michele and Cheech & Chong. I was actually a little disappointed to see Reeves take a back seat to Zander later in the script. But it’s the exchanges between Kimmy and Reeves that make the dialogue for Rock Daddy such a great script.

The script’s biggest flaw is the relationship between Zander and Kimmy. It’s pretty much non-existent and there is no chemistry between the two. Even for a raunchy comedy such as this, there should be more emotion between them for the situation that they are involved in.

As for script presentation, the format was excellent. However, there are a few typos scattered throughout.

Overall, Rock Daddy is a funny script that, with a little tweaking, deserves a green light.

Great beginning, and the writer paints a great picture. I got a little hung up on the dialogue right at the beginning between the young women. There was a flatness that didn't seem like realistic phrasing.

I love all the characters in this play. Chad is a Genius at dialogue. The dialogue is so well written that it makes the characters come to life. I loved Kimmy and Reeves but the situation and the plotline of the story is a bit far fetched. I know it is a comedy. But there are just some things in this play that don’t wok for me. The Robed Man under the bridge, I didn’t get it. Going on tour with a pregnant woman just seems contrived. Moving to Ohio to record an album is even more contrived. Although my favorite line was “Randy I swear to god if it’s another dead body…”. Which is what I really don’t get. The dialogue is so fantastic it is almost real. It’s as though the one genius dialogue writer lost a bet to back woods Hill Billy and had to write the dialogue for his fantasy script. By the way I loved the line, "My vag hurts everytime I see a baby...".