1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Solid Screenplay
The screen play entitled video shoot was well written with special attention paid to atmosphere. The story structure invites reader and viewer alike into a glimpse of a odd and wondrous world of the rock star and the reality they seem to dwell. The characters were well presented and had true feeling of being real "live" people. My largest difficulty was that of cliched stereotypes. I recently viewed a movie called "suck" it shared many similarities with the story here, but only the idea of vampire rockers. Though suck was a vampire rock opera/comedy. But it is hard for me to say someone else's work is cliched when I am writing screen plays about zombies and vampires at war. Either way good story randy I hope it takes you far.
4
out of
6
people found the following review helpful:
Video Shoot review from a non-experienced reviewer
First of all, I'm not a good reviewer.
I'll keep this short and simple.
What I liked:
1- The Dialogue is amazing.
2- The characters are very well portrayed.
3- The script isn't short or rather lengthy.
4- The amount of blood and gore is satisfying for this genre of movies.
5- Nina. Although she was portrayed in many movies and video games before, but she is more bloody and brutal in this version.
What I didn't like:
1- The huge amount of descriptions that, in my opinion, ruined the dialogue track. I suggest that you let the dialogue speak more.
2- For a moment while I was reading, I got bored. elaborate and add some speed.
3- I hated the sexual relationships and the guys jumping between being gays and straights so quick. Generally, I believe the movie would be better without all of these scenes.
4- The falling p..... scene was totally annoying.
5- I kinda find it weird how easily Napoleon just settled down with Nina presence. I understand that he is crazy, high, and desperate, but I believe you should have showed us earlier that he is an unbalanced person.
Finally, I believe that if you put some speed on it and let the dialogue speak instead of the heavy description of every move a character does, you'll have a thing in your hand, a good thing :) and don't forget the annoying sex scenes. i found them too graphic and unneeded, but it's only me.
I'll keep this short and simple.
What I liked:
1- The Dialogue is amazing.
2- The characters are very well portrayed.
3- The script isn't short or rather lengthy.
4- The amount of blood and gore is satisfying for this genre of movies.
5- Nina. Although she was portrayed in many movies and video games before, but she is more bloody and brutal in this version.
What I didn't like:
1- The huge amount of descriptions that, in my opinion, ruined the dialogue track. I suggest that you let the dialogue speak more.
2- For a moment while I was reading, I got bored. elaborate and add some speed.
3- I hated the sexual relationships and the guys jumping between being gays and straights so quick. Generally, I believe the movie would be better without all of these scenes.
4- The falling p..... scene was totally annoying.
5- I kinda find it weird how easily Napoleon just settled down with Nina presence. I understand that he is crazy, high, and desperate, but I believe you should have showed us earlier that he is an unbalanced person.
Finally, I believe that if you put some speed on it and let the dialogue speak instead of the heavy description of every move a character does, you'll have a thing in your hand, a good thing :) and don't forget the annoying sex scenes. i found them too graphic and unneeded, but it's only me.
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Monster Mash
Hey Ran, horror is a good genre for you as you write for the camera and your violent scenes are very descriptive. It’s strong visual writing and you have some original ideas for violent, gory deaths.
You have a great opening horror scene, it’s very visual. It’s easily your best scene in the first act. So I would hate to screw that scene up. And yet I think there’s a problem with this scene. Right now it’s not scary at all. It’s feeding on the dead, so a little gross (and cool) but not scary. I think horror films should always shoot for scary.
You might consider a rewrite of the scene, and not showing your monster so early. How about a scene with the couple in the car, driving fast, desperate, trying to escape something we can’t see, freaky sounds, dark shadows, screams, fade to black, slurping sounds. Something like that. In other words, don’t show the monster (yet) and let our imagination scare us.
Of course you have a nice tie-in with the band (I like that the monster wants to play music and is a fan of the band, that’s funny and cool). So a rewrite might not work. But I want to flag a potential problem in that your introduction seems to show the monster too early (ruining any suspense) and the scene itself isn’t scary at all.
I feel like the rest of your first act has an even bigger problem, in that nothing happens. Napoleon sees an apparition on page 16. Your first character to die, Chloe, dies on page 31. But mostly it’s 30 minutes without any horror/violence or scary scenes. No screams, no moans, no weird noises, nothing. (You should watch the original The Haunting to see how scary not showing the monster can be).
Your first act has a huge amount of exposition right now, probably too much. You could definitely trim the first few scenes and get us to our primary location quicker. Also I think you should lose the reading-from-the-diary scenes, which are very weak and not visual at all.
A big problem for me was my dislike of your protagonist. He’s very obnoxious, unlikable, obvious, and there’s not a lot of depth to his character. A lot of horror movies get made with 2 dimensional characters, so this is not a fatal flaw, but it does make your screenplay a slog to read. I’m not liking these characters or their dialog and I wouldn’t want to hang out with them.
On the positive side, I really liked the idea of ghost/vampires. I don’t watch a lot of horror, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen ghost bites before. So that's definitely cool.
On page 26, Napoleon sees the ghost and is totally cool about it. He plays music for her. I don’t think you set this up at all so it seemed really unbelievable. I see a ghost, I freak out. Maybe he should be on drugs or something? That would explain why he’s not freaking out--he thinks it’s a hallucination.
On page 34, when Chloe disappears, Napoleon doesn’t mention that he saw a ghost?
After the death of Chloe, you have several scenes without any suspense. It’s a great idea to release tension, but you probably release too much of it, and for too long. They leave their scary location, go to a pub, there’s a bunch of band drama, pages and pages without any scares at all.
On page 46, Napoleon is now in cahoots with the ghost vampire, wanting her to kill everybody in the band (I guess). It’s a nice surprise reveal (you don’t expect one of the victims in a horror movie to team up with the monster). But it’s so implausible I think it’s a bad idea. And aside from the implausibility, it causes big time structural problems with your story. Napoleon dominates so many scenes, he feels like the protagonist. And the ghost is the antagonist. But now they have no conflict at all. I think emotionally this leaves us adrift. I feel like you’ve screwed up your structure in the 2nd act.
Napoleon’s piano rants (page 49-50) are pretty horrible.
Right now there’s way too much focus on the band stuff. I go into a horror movie expecting to be scared, frightened, filled with dread, maybe some laughs to release the tension, maybe some gore to freak me out. Emotionally I feel sort of cheated by this. An hour into the movie, and we have no rising tension at all. Nobody in the movie is scared, I’m not scared, it’s not a scary movie. I’m not even sure you’re trying for a scary movie. It seems to me you’re almost aiming for a gothic romance. But you haven’t really set that up. I’m expecting to be frightened, and you're dashing my expectations. Sometimes it's awesome to do the unexpected, here it's leaving me unhappy.
“Bill’s head is gone. It has been replaced with his guitar.” This is going to be a funny scene, at least to me. Guitar head is funny. So if you’re aiming for scary (and in the 3rd act you definitely ought to be), I would rethink this. Ditto with the erect penis falling off. That will get you an NC-17 for sure. But aside from that it's going to be comical, not scary. You have no comic horror scenes in your first two acts, so tonally this is really awkward.
You have so many competing genres mashing into one another (horror, porn, gothic romance, cheesy B movie, comedy) that your story is really losing me emotionally. I would strongly suggest eliminating 2 or 3 of these genres. For me in particular the gothic romance and porn scenes aren't working. Simplify, simplify.
I like horror and comedy, that's a good combination. But I definitely would suggest increasing your scare ratio. You might consider locking your cast into this one location. I think containment might help this story a lot. Good luck.
You have a great opening horror scene, it’s very visual. It’s easily your best scene in the first act. So I would hate to screw that scene up. And yet I think there’s a problem with this scene. Right now it’s not scary at all. It’s feeding on the dead, so a little gross (and cool) but not scary. I think horror films should always shoot for scary.
You might consider a rewrite of the scene, and not showing your monster so early. How about a scene with the couple in the car, driving fast, desperate, trying to escape something we can’t see, freaky sounds, dark shadows, screams, fade to black, slurping sounds. Something like that. In other words, don’t show the monster (yet) and let our imagination scare us.
Of course you have a nice tie-in with the band (I like that the monster wants to play music and is a fan of the band, that’s funny and cool). So a rewrite might not work. But I want to flag a potential problem in that your introduction seems to show the monster too early (ruining any suspense) and the scene itself isn’t scary at all.
I feel like the rest of your first act has an even bigger problem, in that nothing happens. Napoleon sees an apparition on page 16. Your first character to die, Chloe, dies on page 31. But mostly it’s 30 minutes without any horror/violence or scary scenes. No screams, no moans, no weird noises, nothing. (You should watch the original The Haunting to see how scary not showing the monster can be).
Your first act has a huge amount of exposition right now, probably too much. You could definitely trim the first few scenes and get us to our primary location quicker. Also I think you should lose the reading-from-the-diary scenes, which are very weak and not visual at all.
A big problem for me was my dislike of your protagonist. He’s very obnoxious, unlikable, obvious, and there’s not a lot of depth to his character. A lot of horror movies get made with 2 dimensional characters, so this is not a fatal flaw, but it does make your screenplay a slog to read. I’m not liking these characters or their dialog and I wouldn’t want to hang out with them.
On the positive side, I really liked the idea of ghost/vampires. I don’t watch a lot of horror, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen ghost bites before. So that's definitely cool.
On page 26, Napoleon sees the ghost and is totally cool about it. He plays music for her. I don’t think you set this up at all so it seemed really unbelievable. I see a ghost, I freak out. Maybe he should be on drugs or something? That would explain why he’s not freaking out--he thinks it’s a hallucination.
On page 34, when Chloe disappears, Napoleon doesn’t mention that he saw a ghost?
After the death of Chloe, you have several scenes without any suspense. It’s a great idea to release tension, but you probably release too much of it, and for too long. They leave their scary location, go to a pub, there’s a bunch of band drama, pages and pages without any scares at all.
On page 46, Napoleon is now in cahoots with the ghost vampire, wanting her to kill everybody in the band (I guess). It’s a nice surprise reveal (you don’t expect one of the victims in a horror movie to team up with the monster). But it’s so implausible I think it’s a bad idea. And aside from the implausibility, it causes big time structural problems with your story. Napoleon dominates so many scenes, he feels like the protagonist. And the ghost is the antagonist. But now they have no conflict at all. I think emotionally this leaves us adrift. I feel like you’ve screwed up your structure in the 2nd act.
Napoleon’s piano rants (page 49-50) are pretty horrible.
Right now there’s way too much focus on the band stuff. I go into a horror movie expecting to be scared, frightened, filled with dread, maybe some laughs to release the tension, maybe some gore to freak me out. Emotionally I feel sort of cheated by this. An hour into the movie, and we have no rising tension at all. Nobody in the movie is scared, I’m not scared, it’s not a scary movie. I’m not even sure you’re trying for a scary movie. It seems to me you’re almost aiming for a gothic romance. But you haven’t really set that up. I’m expecting to be frightened, and you're dashing my expectations. Sometimes it's awesome to do the unexpected, here it's leaving me unhappy.
“Bill’s head is gone. It has been replaced with his guitar.” This is going to be a funny scene, at least to me. Guitar head is funny. So if you’re aiming for scary (and in the 3rd act you definitely ought to be), I would rethink this. Ditto with the erect penis falling off. That will get you an NC-17 for sure. But aside from that it's going to be comical, not scary. You have no comic horror scenes in your first two acts, so tonally this is really awkward.
You have so many competing genres mashing into one another (horror, porn, gothic romance, cheesy B movie, comedy) that your story is really losing me emotionally. I would strongly suggest eliminating 2 or 3 of these genres. For me in particular the gothic romance and porn scenes aren't working. Simplify, simplify.
I like horror and comedy, that's a good combination. But I definitely would suggest increasing your scare ratio. You might consider locking your cast into this one location. I think containment might help this story a lot. Good luck.
3
out of
5
people found the following review helpful:
With any paranormal/horror story there must first be a sense of the real for the reader to sink their teeth into.
Premise: With any paranormal or horror story (or movie), there must be some sense of the 'real' for an audience to sink their teeth into before the paranormal or horror event(s) begin(s). This script was not believable for me starting with the interaction of Parker and Napoleon on page 3. The best scripts/films in these genres, are the ones that start with a firm foothold in reality then slip into the unreal.
A 'video shoot' might be the last shot Artemus Napoleon, a prima donna (a vain or undisciplined person who finds it difficult to work under direction or as part of a team) musician has, for his last solo CD tanked big time, his band (haven't done a CD in six years or played together) is on the verge of a break-up, (the members do not like Napoleon) and Napoleon's 60+ year old talent manager, Parker, seems to have had enough of loosing money. So, Art, the band with all their equipment, a large film making crew and many cling-ons move into an English mansion without a release (not sure but is it breaking and entering?) haunted by Nina, a vampire ghost, (known by everyone, from all the locals to the airport terminal, auto rental agency clerk) to make a music video of the band doing a stage performance (to be complete with an audience of zombies/monsters as in Michael Jackson's Thriller -- where are they coming from?). From opening to end, I am scratching my head, what?
Some on AmazonStudios, will say that proper formatting, pace of story, following a 3-act play standard with plot-points, character arcs are not important. That the idea within the story is the only thing important. Randy, the author of Video Shoot was very clear when he wrote me (direct quote) "that writing for free is like writing for nothing. Don if they even like the premise nothing that you or I say will really matter. Many times they just buy the premise and hire their own writers."
When story structure does not matter, generally speaking, there is none. I do not agree with the script author's premise above, I think it is vital to have the best written script (one can write) out there for the world to see with well defined characters, strong 3-act, exciting plot points with fascinating arcs and a believable base within the story. If the author were to work on several rewrites, polishing, there could be a story in this script worth reading. But by his own admission, story structure does not seem important. Too bad, for I think everyone has something to say of importance.
Video Shoot's characters never ran true for me, whether it be the Promoter, film makers, musicians, locals, etc. As the protagonist, Napoleon has no arc, in the end he's the same prig as he was in the beginning. I had no feeling for those within the story, no fears or care for those that died (or how they died). This story left me with no feeling for anyone. Understand, this is an honest review from my point of view. Others may disagree.
Dialogue was erratic, at times far too wordy. See above comments.
Emotion, others on Amazon Studios may feel differently, but think about it, if you don't like or care about the characters in a script (movie) or believe in the story -- it is hard to get a handle on any emotional feel while reading (or watching). I can't get emotional about cardboard while I read the entire script, from beginning to end, spent 5 hours, giving the author detailed examples from his script with suggestions, comments and analysis's (in three seperate E-mails).
A 'video shoot' might be the last shot Artemus Napoleon, a prima donna (a vain or undisciplined person who finds it difficult to work under direction or as part of a team) musician has, for his last solo CD tanked big time, his band (haven't done a CD in six years or played together) is on the verge of a break-up, (the members do not like Napoleon) and Napoleon's 60+ year old talent manager, Parker, seems to have had enough of loosing money. So, Art, the band with all their equipment, a large film making crew and many cling-ons move into an English mansion without a release (not sure but is it breaking and entering?) haunted by Nina, a vampire ghost, (known by everyone, from all the locals to the airport terminal, auto rental agency clerk) to make a music video of the band doing a stage performance (to be complete with an audience of zombies/monsters as in Michael Jackson's Thriller -- where are they coming from?). From opening to end, I am scratching my head, what?
Some on AmazonStudios, will say that proper formatting, pace of story, following a 3-act play standard with plot-points, character arcs are not important. That the idea within the story is the only thing important. Randy, the author of Video Shoot was very clear when he wrote me (direct quote) "that writing for free is like writing for nothing. Don if they even like the premise nothing that you or I say will really matter. Many times they just buy the premise and hire their own writers."
When story structure does not matter, generally speaking, there is none. I do not agree with the script author's premise above, I think it is vital to have the best written script (one can write) out there for the world to see with well defined characters, strong 3-act, exciting plot points with fascinating arcs and a believable base within the story. If the author were to work on several rewrites, polishing, there could be a story in this script worth reading. But by his own admission, story structure does not seem important. Too bad, for I think everyone has something to say of importance.
Video Shoot's characters never ran true for me, whether it be the Promoter, film makers, musicians, locals, etc. As the protagonist, Napoleon has no arc, in the end he's the same prig as he was in the beginning. I had no feeling for those within the story, no fears or care for those that died (or how they died). This story left me with no feeling for anyone. Understand, this is an honest review from my point of view. Others may disagree.
Dialogue was erratic, at times far too wordy. See above comments.
Emotion, others on Amazon Studios may feel differently, but think about it, if you don't like or care about the characters in a script (movie) or believe in the story -- it is hard to get a handle on any emotional feel while reading (or watching). I can't get emotional about cardboard while I read the entire script, from beginning to end, spent 5 hours, giving the author detailed examples from his script with suggestions, comments and analysis's (in three seperate E-mails).
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Someone to hate. Someone to love (?)
I enjoyed Video Shoot. I like the concept of the band and haunted mansion - it's a captivating twist on haunted mansion movies. The reviews have also been informative.
I liked the characterization of the band members - the totally self-absorbed people that you just love to hate. The ending seemed very fitting for them.
I liked the Napoleon / Nina relationship. I think this should be further developed - they fell into it too easily, although they are a good fit. Need a little back story on Nina. Is her selection of victims predicated by her fascination with self-absorbed and uncaring people? We get readings from her diary and the servant book - what was Nina like?
I like the way the vampires materialized (somewhat like ghosts). The guitar head was novel.
There are a number of areas that I think could be improved.
This is clearly an NC-17 story, with the graphic descriptions of violence and sex. I would recommend pulling this back to R for a larger audience. You can suggest many things without being so graphic. I'm not very familiar with NC-17 stories, so I won't comment further on this aspect.
Standard formatting would help. It's a long read and I think needs reformatted to get a more accurate picture, and then cut. Horror movies more typically run around 90+ pages.
The American stage builders seemed like an odd thing to interject, as did the references to Napoleon's heritage. Consider just dropping these plot points from the story line. What if some of the photography crew left instead - there are a lot of people in this story.
The town folk seemed like an appendage to the story, not fully integrated..., not a plot point, although the size of the police force was relevant. But I think it should be more evident that the police were simply afraid, while not wanting the publicity.
In several places the action text was telling what a character was thinking, and I didn't see these as useful to production or reading. These are lines that could be cut.
Some reviewers have said that there was no protagonist to like (identify with) in this story. I would like to see either one of the towns people, or one of the groupies (Chloe), or crew, or the manager be that person that you don't want to see hurt and barely manages to escape. This would raise the stakes and the anticipation. I think the crew in the servant's quarters should not be hurt - we didn't love or hate them - maybe they get threatened if they insist on spending the night in the mansion and then they decide not to do it again.
Anticipation (suspense) is big part of horror. Horror develops anticipation in at least two important ways. One, we suspect there is a danger from the start, we're looking for it, and it is a danger to everyone. Two, each person comes into danger, comes under attack, and then tries to escape - they run. This causes conflict (anxiety) of much longer duration. These characters quickly came under danger and then were quickly attacked and died.
So, for your next rewrite I recommend eliminating the unnecessary people and text, giving us someone to love that will be in danger but escape, to raise the stakes and maybe even actively fight against the vampire, use the conflict between band members to isolate them and push them into harms way, and integrate the different story elements more.
Good story - would like to see it. A couple of classic horror movies good for reference are Hitchcock's Psycho, and Hush Hush, Sweet Charlotte. Good luck with it. - Dorian
I liked the characterization of the band members - the totally self-absorbed people that you just love to hate. The ending seemed very fitting for them.
I liked the Napoleon / Nina relationship. I think this should be further developed - they fell into it too easily, although they are a good fit. Need a little back story on Nina. Is her selection of victims predicated by her fascination with self-absorbed and uncaring people? We get readings from her diary and the servant book - what was Nina like?
I like the way the vampires materialized (somewhat like ghosts). The guitar head was novel.
There are a number of areas that I think could be improved.
This is clearly an NC-17 story, with the graphic descriptions of violence and sex. I would recommend pulling this back to R for a larger audience. You can suggest many things without being so graphic. I'm not very familiar with NC-17 stories, so I won't comment further on this aspect.
Standard formatting would help. It's a long read and I think needs reformatted to get a more accurate picture, and then cut. Horror movies more typically run around 90+ pages.
The American stage builders seemed like an odd thing to interject, as did the references to Napoleon's heritage. Consider just dropping these plot points from the story line. What if some of the photography crew left instead - there are a lot of people in this story.
The town folk seemed like an appendage to the story, not fully integrated..., not a plot point, although the size of the police force was relevant. But I think it should be more evident that the police were simply afraid, while not wanting the publicity.
In several places the action text was telling what a character was thinking, and I didn't see these as useful to production or reading. These are lines that could be cut.
Some reviewers have said that there was no protagonist to like (identify with) in this story. I would like to see either one of the towns people, or one of the groupies (Chloe), or crew, or the manager be that person that you don't want to see hurt and barely manages to escape. This would raise the stakes and the anticipation. I think the crew in the servant's quarters should not be hurt - we didn't love or hate them - maybe they get threatened if they insist on spending the night in the mansion and then they decide not to do it again.
Anticipation (suspense) is big part of horror. Horror develops anticipation in at least two important ways. One, we suspect there is a danger from the start, we're looking for it, and it is a danger to everyone. Two, each person comes into danger, comes under attack, and then tries to escape - they run. This causes conflict (anxiety) of much longer duration. These characters quickly came under danger and then were quickly attacked and died.
So, for your next rewrite I recommend eliminating the unnecessary people and text, giving us someone to love that will be in danger but escape, to raise the stakes and maybe even actively fight against the vampire, use the conflict between band members to isolate them and push them into harms way, and integrate the different story elements more.
Good story - would like to see it. A couple of classic horror movies good for reference are Hitchcock's Psycho, and Hush Hush, Sweet Charlotte. Good luck with it. - Dorian
3
out of
5
people found the following review helpful:
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll... and Nina
This was a pretty cool story. I would love to see this especially with the musical score.
You had a bunch of twists and turns and when I thought I had it figured out... You did a 180. Good job on keeping this reader guessing.
A rock band films a music video(or tries to)... one of the characters finds a creepy diary and they all get killed one by one in bloody and gory ways... Nope!
Napoleon had some kind of connection with Nina and he seduced her with his music. He pleased her with his talent and passion and in turn she would make him the sole survivor of the Streaks and gain all the glory... Nope!
Nina actually gives Napoleon what he wanted. His concept. His Thriller. It didn't occur to me that was what she was doing all along. She made them a great Rock Band. Together. Forever. That was pretty cool.
Just a few suggestions and in no way do I mean to rewrite your movie but as I read the last page these ideas popped in my head... here it goes:
Maybe kill Brush later in the movie. He seems like the biggest obstacle for Napoleon at first. He shouldn't be the second character to get killed.
Maybe save Napoleon for last. Maybe the band and groupies all (or most of them) get killed to the tune of Napoleon's Piano music.
Your death scenes were well written (you're twisted but in a good cinematic way). Thanks for the read and good luck with your work.
You had a bunch of twists and turns and when I thought I had it figured out... You did a 180. Good job on keeping this reader guessing.
A rock band films a music video(or tries to)... one of the characters finds a creepy diary and they all get killed one by one in bloody and gory ways... Nope!
Napoleon had some kind of connection with Nina and he seduced her with his music. He pleased her with his talent and passion and in turn she would make him the sole survivor of the Streaks and gain all the glory... Nope!
Nina actually gives Napoleon what he wanted. His concept. His Thriller. It didn't occur to me that was what she was doing all along. She made them a great Rock Band. Together. Forever. That was pretty cool.
Just a few suggestions and in no way do I mean to rewrite your movie but as I read the last page these ideas popped in my head... here it goes:
Maybe kill Brush later in the movie. He seems like the biggest obstacle for Napoleon at first. He shouldn't be the second character to get killed.
Maybe save Napoleon for last. Maybe the band and groupies all (or most of them) get killed to the tune of Napoleon's Piano music.
Your death scenes were well written (you're twisted but in a good cinematic way). Thanks for the read and good luck with your work.
1
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Campy Fun
Finalist: Best Kids and Family Script
Semifinalist: Best Script, Best Sci-Fi/Action Script, Best Kids and Family Script
May 23, 2011
Not your typical vampire flick whereas the the entire band and their groupies get
together to jam at a castle only to become vampires at the end and that's where they
rise to eventual super stardom.
I could see this being made into a campy fun horror that does not take itself seriously. There are
a few things to mull over before moving on to the next draft.
The bands conflict that drives them to one castle that doesn't work out only to move to the next
castle where the bloody Nina Hall lives - this could easily be slashed (if you pardon the expression)
out.
Just have the bickering bunch show up at the castle where Nina Hall lives and have all hell break out.
The reason for this is because the story takes too long to set up and the first kill doesn't really factor in
until page 30 and it is kind of late into the story - as a reader, I was starting to lose interest.
Thus brings me to the point - the first act really needs to be rewritten - too much on the nose dialog is spent explaining the bands conflict and why they are at odds with each other. I was intrigued by the line that they had to record their individual playing at separate studios - why can't we SEE this in the first five minutes? This would be funny.
Have Napoleon play in a studio. Have each band member play in separate studios. The engineer records them. When he's done, have it all compiled into a track. The manager, furious, after listening to the demo orders them to a castle or a place to make a video or it's the end of the road for them.
In other words, we need to SEE more and HEAR less.
There are parts of the script where the prose is unfilmable. You may have to work your way through the
script and try to omit them. Here is one example:
"Meloe mouths the food he is eating wondering where things broke down. The shepherd’s pie may as well be humble pie for the beleaguered location scout"
The Paul, Miranda Griffith love triangle story while humoerous, comes off a bit over the top when it comes to their sexual antics Griffith's back story - slowed the plot down - you can safetly take it out and still keep the plot going.
best wishes on this!
together to jam at a castle only to become vampires at the end and that's where they
rise to eventual super stardom.
I could see this being made into a campy fun horror that does not take itself seriously. There are
a few things to mull over before moving on to the next draft.
The bands conflict that drives them to one castle that doesn't work out only to move to the next
castle where the bloody Nina Hall lives - this could easily be slashed (if you pardon the expression)
out.
Just have the bickering bunch show up at the castle where Nina Hall lives and have all hell break out.
The reason for this is because the story takes too long to set up and the first kill doesn't really factor in
until page 30 and it is kind of late into the story - as a reader, I was starting to lose interest.
Thus brings me to the point - the first act really needs to be rewritten - too much on the nose dialog is spent explaining the bands conflict and why they are at odds with each other. I was intrigued by the line that they had to record their individual playing at separate studios - why can't we SEE this in the first five minutes? This would be funny.
Have Napoleon play in a studio. Have each band member play in separate studios. The engineer records them. When he's done, have it all compiled into a track. The manager, furious, after listening to the demo orders them to a castle or a place to make a video or it's the end of the road for them.
In other words, we need to SEE more and HEAR less.
There are parts of the script where the prose is unfilmable. You may have to work your way through the
script and try to omit them. Here is one example:
"Meloe mouths the food he is eating wondering where things broke down. The shepherd’s pie may as well be humble pie for the beleaguered location scout"
The Paul, Miranda Griffith love triangle story while humoerous, comes off a bit over the top when it comes to their sexual antics Griffith's back story - slowed the plot down - you can safetly take it out and still keep the plot going.
best wishes on this!
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