What I absolutely hate about this script is how it feels like a paint-by-numbers screenplay. What I absolutely love about the script is the third act. Those are my extremes.
I really thought the opening scene was nicely done. It pulled me right in.
But by page 20, I started tuning into my emotions and I wasn’t feeling this. And I wanted to like this, I really did, because I know of the hard work and dedication this particular writer puts in.
One of the problems I think is too many characters. I know it’s an assemble piece, but when it comes to this many characters, there’s usually a method to doing it where all characters are individualized. I feel that the script falls short of accomplishing this. As of right now, the characters are just flying by and I can’t relate to anybody. I somewhat get a sense of Dale/Kalie and Rachel/Morris, but I’m more in tune to their situations, their plans, that sort of thing. But I’m not liking or relating to them as characters. Around page 15 I’ve realized that the two most “important” relationships are between Dale/Kalie and Rachel/Morris and I shouldn’t be thinking along the lines of what is important and what isn’t. But this is what the script has conditioned me into thinking. I’m mentally trying to grab onto something of substance narratively, when I should be enjoying the story emotionally.
Page 17, Polly is introduced in the scene and we stay with her while meeting a few other characters, then three or four pages later the focus is taken off her and ends on Farnsworth and Rachel? It felt like Polly just faded away in the scene. I can’t say this is a focused issue, because the script does a good job of never confusing a moment. Even your action scenes are laid out nicely, very descriptive. Again, I think it’s just a matter of getting control of your characters. You started with Polly, but it felt like you were jumbling so many characters, you lost POV.
Page 38, Rachel leaves her partner at the cave, because the chief needs to see her? In the midst of what’s just happened, I don’t know if I’m buying that. That just feels all wrong.
Page 49, A small thing, but I’m wondering why hasn’t the government been called in yet? Yeah, I get let’s keep it focus on the town, and you can still have it that way, just mention that help is on the way. Might be an opportunity to put an actual time clock in the story. A small thing that’s more of a preference than anything else.
Page 68, the bit about Dale/Kalie going on about we’ll be together forever. I liked this bit, it resonated with me. So what I’m about to say, might seem like a contradiction on my part, but what if this bit was played more under the subtext? Up until this point, everything is lay out on the page, nothing is left to reader’s imagination, there’s no subtext at all, and yeah, it’s a slasher film, so how much of that stuff do we need. I just think if you approach it as writing this great master piece, with all the ingredients, a lot of the stuff I’m talking about will work itself out. Trust me, for all those mindless movies we see at the theater, there was at least one person above the line that was shooting for greatness.
Page 74, when Rachel tells Polly and Kalie how she was infected, why not show that in a flashback since you been using memory flashes up until this point?
Okay, now this has never happened to me reading a script or even watching a movie. But when Rachel, Polly, and Kalie, are set on the course of action and head for the cave, I really enjoyed it from then on. I’m still confused by the logic of the shadow people, but I really enjoyed the 3rd act. It had heart, movie moments, and it made me feel something.
That whole husband and wife war thing going on, good. I can’t say it’s original, but it makes us feel something. I would even consider dropping the Polly/Beth bit and give Polly a husband who’s probably best friends with Morris. Just spitballing here, but you get the idea, it’s all about connection.
There is no doubt, you can write. But I remember some advice that was given to me that I think applies here. “Don’t be a writer, be a storyteller.” Find the irony in every scene.
Take everything I say with a grain of salt, Joseph. Because, you do have one of those scripts that if it gets in the hands of some up and coming director, then everything I said goes out the window.
I really thought the opening scene was nicely done. It pulled me right in.
But by page 20, I started tuning into my emotions and I wasn’t feeling this. And I wanted to like this, I really did, because I know of the hard work and dedication this particular writer puts in.
One of the problems I think is too many characters. I know it’s an assemble piece, but when it comes to this many characters, there’s usually a method to doing it where all characters are individualized. I feel that the script falls short of accomplishing this. As of right now, the characters are just flying by and I can’t relate to anybody. I somewhat get a sense of Dale/Kalie and Rachel/Morris, but I’m more in tune to their situations, their plans, that sort of thing. But I’m not liking or relating to them as characters.
Around page 15 I’ve realized that the two most “important” relationships are between Dale/Kalie and Rachel/Morris and I shouldn’t be thinking along the lines of what is important and what isn’t. But this is what the script has conditioned me into thinking. I’m mentally trying to grab onto something of substance narratively, when I should be enjoying the story emotionally.
Page 17, Polly is introduced in the scene and we stay with her while meeting a few other characters, then three or four pages later the focus is taken off her and ends on Farnsworth and Rachel? It felt like Polly just faded away in the scene. I can’t say this is a focused issue, because the script does a good job of never confusing a moment. Even your action scenes are laid out nicely, very descriptive. Again, I think it’s just a matter of getting control of your characters. You started with Polly, but it felt like you were jumbling so many characters, you lost POV.
Page 38, Rachel leaves her partner at the cave, because the chief needs to see her? In the midst of what’s just happened, I don’t know if I’m buying that. That just feels all wrong.
Page 49, A small thing, but I’m wondering why hasn’t the government been called in yet? Yeah, I get let’s keep it focus on the town, and you can still have it that way, just mention that help is on the way. Might be an opportunity to put an actual time clock in the story. A small thing that’s more of a preference than anything else.
Page 68, the bit about Dale/Kalie going on about we’ll be together forever. I liked this bit, it resonated with me. So what I’m about to say, might seem like a contradiction on my part, but what if this bit was played more under the subtext? Up until this point, everything is lay out on the page, nothing is left to reader’s imagination, there’s no subtext at all, and yeah, it’s a slasher film, so how much of that stuff do we need. I just think if you approach it as writing this great master piece, with all the ingredients, a lot of the stuff I’m talking about will work itself out. Trust me, for all those mindless movies we see at the theater, there was at least one person above the line that was shooting for greatness.
Page 74, when Rachel tells Polly and Kalie how she was infected, why not show that in a flashback since you been using memory flashes up until this point?
Okay, now this has never happened to me reading a script or even watching a movie. But when Rachel, Polly, and Kalie, are set on the course of action and head for the cave, I really enjoyed it from then on. I’m still confused by the logic of the shadow people, but I really enjoyed the 3rd act. It had heart, movie moments, and it made me feel something.
That whole husband and wife war thing going on, good. I can’t say it’s original, but it makes us feel something. I would even consider dropping the Polly/Beth bit and give Polly a husband who’s probably best friends with Morris. Just spitballing here, but you get the idea, it’s all about connection.
There is no doubt, you can write. But I remember some advice that was given to me that I think applies here. “Don’t be a writer, be a storyteller.” Find the irony in every scene.
Take everything I say with a grain of salt, Joseph. Because, you do have one of those scripts that if it gets in the hands of some up and coming director, then everything I said goes out the window.
Look forward to talking about this some more.