All Reviews

your title is so hilarious! I had to read to it and I couldn't put it down.

I really enjoyed your characters. I didnt have to read the names to know who was speaking most of the time and they all had their own funny moments. Jeff Pants had me rolling throughout. A guy who thinks he knows so much about the world, but in reality has no idea -- I know a few guys like him.

The other scene with Rishi and his mom butting into the internet conversation was hilarious. I thought you put your own spin things that usually feel familiar.

The idea seems so current so real and has the next generation written all over it. My kids play the silly games all the time so I could relate to a lot of the humor.

I thought it was innovative how you showed the conversation between Owen and Jessica. Letting their conversations happen in an alternative facebook reality was much better than watching it on a computer screen. My favorite scenes were those flashback shot. My heart was BREAKING for him.

The heart was what one me over in this. The underdog ragtag group learns how to be real friends. People are meeting on the internet more and more so it was funny to see how you used this.

I thought you could have done more with the bad guy. Dmario struck me as too stereotyped.

I can't wait to see it in theaters!

You’re a dialog genius. A lot of this dialog is extremely funny and cool. Your characters are great, very eclectic, very funny. I like Rishi and Pants in particular. I think your premise is pretty sharp, in that a lot of people are obsessed with Facebook and I think this movie will appeal to them. But there’s also the basic problem that many scenes in this film are not cinematic at all. Watching people as they watch a computer or make a phone call is about the most boring visual I can imagine. In cinematic terms, your hero spends the first 23 minutes of the movie in his house. Nothing is happening. The bad guy is an icon on Farmville. The love interest is a photo on Facebook. I mean this is just sad. Your characters are so alienated, it makes me want to deactivate my Facebook account.

I liked the bit with the babies. “Those two are dirty.” That’s funny. I particularly like it because your heroes are so terrified of adulthood anyway. It doesn’t get more reality than babies and poop bags. I also liked it when Pants had to call the bad guy for directions to the evil lair. That was funny. Rishi’s break-up with his girlfriend was hilarious but that flashback is in a really awkward location, in the middle of the third act.

You might think about reading Blake Snyder’s book, Save the Cat. He is really into screenwriting formulas and while I think screenwriting is more artistry than science, I also think your screenplay needs a huge amount of structure work. So Snyder might help.

I definitely got a Scott Pilgrim vibe from this. If you work your Facebook or Farmville scenes into the storyline, that might help a lot. Right now these scenes come across like a bunch of fantasy sequences that have nothing to do with our plot. I find many of them annoying on the page. When the fantasy sequence is over, it’s like, “back to reality” (a.k.a. back to our story). Your fantasy sequences are taking us out of the movie. The fantastic elements in Scott Pilgrim work because that is the story. Here it’s just a distraction.

What’s worse than the fantasy sequence are all the minutes we spend watching our characters watch a video screen. Boring!

You have to work your dramatic elements a lot more. You need to set up your bad guy, set up the love interest. We need to meet them much earlier in the screenplay. For 90% of this story the girl comes across like a figment of our nerd’s imagination. That’s not working at all for me. This is why their third act love story seems so unbelievable, as does Rishi’s reuniting with his ex-girlfriend. It’s out of left field.

It’s pretty damn absurd that Owen can’t be sure what the love of his life actually looks like. “Oh, a hooker, that might be her. I don’t know.” The alienation here is so profound (and pathetic) that I’ve lost all interest in the love story, which is the frickin’ spine of your whole story.

I think your premise is good, your road tripping characters are very strong and your dialog is fantastic. But your structure is a mess right now. Your first act is too long, and your third act is horrible because you have neglected to set up your bad guy and love interest and make them feel authentic to us. Right now they come across like fantasy props.

You might consider a page 1 rewrite and have Owen fall in love with somebody on the road trip with him (a girl, presumably). This is how they worked it in Overnight Delivery and The Sure Thing. The hero abandons his fantasy in favor of a real person (and co-star of the film). Now imagine if those two movies had the hero getting together with the fantasy love interest at the end of the movie. It would feel fraudulent and leave us unhappy. That’s the vibe I’m getting from your third act right now. She’s not in the movie at all. So your third act resolution falls completely flat.

I really enjoyed this story. It kept me reading, Facebook is a giant thing that hasn't amazingly had a lot of films on the topic. "The Social Network" which had it as a main theme and then you who has it as a side theme. The story structure is awful though, I'd hate to say that though but its not in a official spec script or shooting script format, I rated the premise 4 stars because It was good but it just threw me away from the acual script. Its brilliant though. Change the format and you may have a film in the future.

This movie has a great pemise and could be a winner. My take has nothing to do with homophobia, everything to do with context, fit and feel and what could be a far more plausible story. Jessica hiding out in a gay men's bar is too dark and it makes no sense, and completely incongruent. You take the audience somewhere completely inconsistent with where young men and women attracted to boy-girl story are wanting to go. Screams out hidden agenda, "I like this gay performer, I want to force her character, song, and the whole stereotype agressive and predatory male homosexual bar atmosphere into a heterosexual movie plot." Why Jessica would find this as a sanctuary is not possible or established.

What works much better is a Strip Bar. She is not making it in LA. She is drawn to make ends meet by performing or considering doing so (you decide how far she has gone), her girlfriend works there. The secret she is ashamed of is this choice, this is the dilema behind not being the nice farm girl Owen thinks she is. Can be R, PG 13, or PG by scene choices and how much is revealed. Geeky charachters can be as uncomfortable confronting real world inhabitants of this bar, and Bad Guys can be twarted by bouncers when called out for alleged advances on the performers, not attacked to celebrate their coming out party. Makes sense as a Favorite place for Jessica to go, can be called a Strip Mall obvious and better double entende.

After reading this, i was left with that 'feel-good' factor, which is important for your audience. I enjoyed being part of that journey, despite not being obsessed by "tech-know world" some love. ;)

The characters are good and they work well as a unit. The dialogue is good, yet needs more impact and personality, with some commentary upon a broader sense of perspectives of the world. I understand their way's, yet it was the journey and tribulations i related to more.

The story and linear narrative is logical and progressive. There are some opportunities for additional comedy and such events would give a comical feel and understanding to all the characters.

With some characters their particular dynamics are one-dimensional and seem inserted for the sake of variation, not the character as an individual - Jeff is gay and no-one remotely picks up on it!?

Vince and Vy are archetypal and functional baddie roles and would benefit from having their own tics and distinct mannerisms. D'Mario would also benefit with this type of development.

Maybe a play on the perceived expectation from Owen as to who D'mario is or what he looks like - then you could turn that on it's head which add layers to their dynamic. What Owen imagines, is what D'Mario is - so maybe his fb profile can be disguised, so everytime Owen imagines D'Mario he can be different until the big reveal; which could run until the final showdown between them both.

Owen's backstory and motivations need addressing. Rishi is a good character, but has more development and backstory than Owen, so that needs to reverse, in order for the main protagonist to have the right kind of arc with which the audience will relate. Mobu is underused, yet has lots of potential to add. Jeffpants is funny, but i don't know why he's called Jeffpants??

I feel adding some physical humour would give the comedy more depth, plus a cheekier and cerebral sense of humour would be great too. Developing everyone's individual dynamics with one another would bring all the characters out and would bring more plausibility to their motivations and their interactions and the story as a movie.

The biggest change needed is running time - get it under 90 mins/pages. Be more concise and economical with your story; 111 pages is too long for this type of comedy! Obviously there are exceptions to any rule, yet those are established for a reason...because it works better that way.

Potentially a very good comedy road movie, get the character dynamics and the script length right and I'll go get the popcorn ready :O

I thought the idea is wonderful. The characters need to stop forcing the comedy. The characters need to develop a little more of a serious tone(instead of goofy). You need a perfect balance so that the comedy can be brought out more. All the best.

Bottom line, if I saw this in the theater I would walk out saying, "That was excellent. I had no problems with that."

When I watch a movie I either think about the story structure while I'm watching it, or I get so lost in the fun that I don't notice the structure. "I had no problems with that" is for when I get lost.

Is it perfect? No, but it's professional quality. I feel like I just watched the movie, and I actually laughed a few times -- and it's not easy to get me to laugh at something written down.

Your premise is possibly a hard sell ... it's so specific that it could have a relatively short shelf life. You might want to rethink the title so that a potential buyer can imagine the non-licensed version of the poster.

I was going to give the structure three stars because it felt just the slightest bit flat, by which I mean there is not a crescendo of tension leading up to the climax, it's more of a gradual increase in volume. On the other hand, everything is very tightly woven -- setups and payoffs are very well-done. The ups and downs are comfortably paced. It would be hard for a director to mess with this script.

The characters are also very well-drawn, illustrating different thematic aspects as well as having inherently funny and dramatic qualities. I would agree slightly, though, with Jonathan Poland about the D'Mario character representing a stereotype. Making him quote Shakespeare is a fairly gratuitous attempt to break stereotype ... if feels grafted on, since it doesn't really have anything to do with the way he is. You might want to consider switching the races of two of the characters, such as Jeff and D'Mario. Or find a way to make the Shakespeare quoting a more integral part of the character and of the story as a whole.

Dialogue: In a word, excellent. You have a very sharp ear.

Emotion: For this style of comedy, you have perhaps fallen slightly short of Apatow-level emotional power, but you've got enough punch to support the laughs and make the good moments earned ones.

Very funny and action-packed. Definitely a page-turner. Didn't want to put it down. The four protagonists really come alive (yes, even MoBu). You obviously had a lot of fun with them and I had a lot of fun caring about them. I don't understand the critique about spending to much time in front of a screen. That was the setup and mostly it's a road-trip movie. I can even buy Azita taking Rishi back given his personal growth. A few issues though:

1. The transition from Owen's apartment to the outside world doesn't work for me. He would never go to his landlord to try to borrow his car for a road trip, especially since they have a poor relationship, he owes him money and can't drive anyway. The uncle/aunt thing was a weak caricature throwaway. Your screenplay deserves better than that.

2. A Mercedes wouldn't have government plates -- unless it was the German government. Why bother to mention government plates?

3. It's a shame that the only black person in your screenplay is a stereotypical bad guy. That may make it a tough sell.

4. Your script is 111 pages. I'm new at this, but my understanding is that's pretty long for a comedy. At least your pacing seems quick.

5. I don't buy that when they get to Dreamz, they suddenly believe that D'Mario may be a decent guy after all. Not credible given what he and his cronies did leading up to the meeting.

6. Why did Kat decide to help MoBu?

7. If the cronies got their guns taken away at The Library, how are they shooting at the protagonists during the car chase? Just assume backup guns? Why were the protagonists even running away from them at this point? How didn't the protagonists get at least one of those guns to shoot back? Did I miss something?

I don't want to sound too critical. Just hope this is helpful. I actually learned a lot about how to write a good script from you.

I read this script a few months ago on Scriptshadow and I LOVED it. I even put it on my TOP 5 list for "Scripts of the Year" for the site - out of the 70-80 scripts I've read this year. The premise is timely and the supporting characters are hilarious. The word Facebook alone will probably bring millions and millions of people to the theater. GREAT JOB guys, I really enjoyed it.