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2
people found the following review helpful:
Not fun, not entertaining, not profitable.
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people found the following review helpful:
Interesting premise
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people found the following review helpful:
Great idea, characters need more development.
I thought the idea is wonderful. The characters need to stop forcing the comedy. The characters need to develop a little more of a serious tone(instead of goofy). You need a perfect balance so that the comedy can be brought out more. All the best.
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people found the following review helpful:
The Gay Men's Bar DOES NOT WORK as the final destination
This movie has a great pemise and could be a winner. My take has nothing to do with homophobia, everything to do with context, fit and feel and what could be a far more plausible story. Jessica hiding out in a gay men's bar is too dark and it makes no sense, and completely incongruent. You take the audience somewhere completely inconsistent with where young men and women attracted to boy-girl story are wanting to go. Screams out hidden agenda, "I like this gay performer, I want to force her character, song, and the whole stereotype agressive and predatory male homosexual bar atmosphere into a heterosexual movie plot." Why Jessica would find this as a sanctuary is not possible or established.
What works much better is a Strip Bar. She is not making it in LA. She is drawn to make ends meet by performing or considering doing so (you decide how far she has gone), her girlfriend works there. The secret she is ashamed of is this choice, this is the dilema behind not being the nice farm girl Owen thinks she is. Can be R, PG 13, or PG by scene choices and how much is revealed. Geeky charachters can be as uncomfortable confronting real world inhabitants of this bar, and Bad Guys can be twarted by bouncers when called out for alleged advances on the performers, not attacked to celebrate their coming out party. Makes sense as a Favorite place for Jessica to go, can be called a Strip Mall obvious and better double entende.
What works much better is a Strip Bar. She is not making it in LA. She is drawn to make ends meet by performing or considering doing so (you decide how far she has gone), her girlfriend works there. The secret she is ashamed of is this choice, this is the dilema behind not being the nice farm girl Owen thinks she is. Can be R, PG 13, or PG by scene choices and how much is revealed. Geeky charachters can be as uncomfortable confronting real world inhabitants of this bar, and Bad Guys can be twarted by bouncers when called out for alleged advances on the performers, not attacked to celebrate their coming out party. Makes sense as a Favorite place for Jessica to go, can be called a Strip Mall obvious and better double entende.
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people found the following review helpful:
I don't know about this one....a professional rewrite then see?
Scripts are all about timing, that's why it's important to get the beats down and follow structure. And why every script in Hollywood, goes through so many rewrites from basic plots points to dialogue to final rewrites: as in a Alvin Sargent (who's brilliant at it)
SO, on that note, I would agree with one person here... can't get pass the first ten pages which is death in Hollywood (even though I re-read to page 30). Like the title, needs a major rewrite, think amazon passed this solely on facebook hype and tech savvy readers. Hence, that's where the problems can lie, hard to shoot stories based off of computer screen...even Social Network never did any big numbers in the US...did overseas, based off of Fincher's rep...he's a God like figure in the European film-making community.
Would like to see the next draft to fully review this script.
SO, on that note, I would agree with one person here... can't get pass the first ten pages which is death in Hollywood (even though I re-read to page 30). Like the title, needs a major rewrite, think amazon passed this solely on facebook hype and tech savvy readers. Hence, that's where the problems can lie, hard to shoot stories based off of computer screen...even Social Network never did any big numbers in the US...did overseas, based off of Fincher's rep...he's a God like figure in the European film-making community.
Would like to see the next draft to fully review this script.
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1
people found the following review helpful:
couldn't get past page 10
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people found the following review helpful:
A road movie with humour, heart and lots of potential :)
After reading this, i was left with that 'feel-good' factor, which is important for your audience. I enjoyed being part of that journey, despite not being obsessed by "tech-know world" some love. ;)
The characters are good and they work well as a unit. The dialogue is good, yet needs more impact and personality, with some commentary upon a broader sense of perspectives of the world. I understand their way's, yet it was the journey and tribulations i related to more.
The story and linear narrative is logical and progressive. There are some opportunities for additional comedy and such events would give a comical feel and understanding to all the characters.
With some characters their particular dynamics are one-dimensional and seem inserted for the sake of variation, not the character as an individual - Jeff is gay and no-one remotely picks up on it!?
Vince and Vy are archetypal and functional baddie roles and would benefit from having their own tics and distinct mannerisms. D'Mario would also benefit with this type of development.
Maybe a play on the perceived expectation from Owen as to who D'mario is or what he looks like - then you could turn that on it's head which add layers to their dynamic. What Owen imagines, is what D'Mario is - so maybe his fb profile can be disguised, so everytime Owen imagines D'Mario he can be different until the big reveal; which could run until the final showdown between them both.
Owen's backstory and motivations need addressing. Rishi is a good character, but has more development and backstory than Owen, so that needs to reverse, in order for the main protagonist to have the right kind of arc with which the audience will relate. Mobu is underused, yet has lots of potential to add. Jeffpants is funny, but i don't know why he's called Jeffpants??
I feel adding some physical humour would give the comedy more depth, plus a cheekier and cerebral sense of humour would be great too. Developing everyone's individual dynamics with one another would bring all the characters out and would bring more plausibility to their motivations and their interactions and the story as a movie.
The biggest change needed is running time - get it under 90 mins/pages. Be more concise and economical with your story; 111 pages is too long for this type of comedy! Obviously there are exceptions to any rule, yet those are established for a reason...because it works better that way.
Potentially a very good comedy road movie, get the character dynamics and the script length right and I'll go get the popcorn ready :O
The characters are good and they work well as a unit. The dialogue is good, yet needs more impact and personality, with some commentary upon a broader sense of perspectives of the world. I understand their way's, yet it was the journey and tribulations i related to more.
The story and linear narrative is logical and progressive. There are some opportunities for additional comedy and such events would give a comical feel and understanding to all the characters.
With some characters their particular dynamics are one-dimensional and seem inserted for the sake of variation, not the character as an individual - Jeff is gay and no-one remotely picks up on it!?
Vince and Vy are archetypal and functional baddie roles and would benefit from having their own tics and distinct mannerisms. D'Mario would also benefit with this type of development.
Maybe a play on the perceived expectation from Owen as to who D'mario is or what he looks like - then you could turn that on it's head which add layers to their dynamic. What Owen imagines, is what D'Mario is - so maybe his fb profile can be disguised, so everytime Owen imagines D'Mario he can be different until the big reveal; which could run until the final showdown between them both.
Owen's backstory and motivations need addressing. Rishi is a good character, but has more development and backstory than Owen, so that needs to reverse, in order for the main protagonist to have the right kind of arc with which the audience will relate. Mobu is underused, yet has lots of potential to add. Jeffpants is funny, but i don't know why he's called Jeffpants??
I feel adding some physical humour would give the comedy more depth, plus a cheekier and cerebral sense of humour would be great too. Developing everyone's individual dynamics with one another would bring all the characters out and would bring more plausibility to their motivations and their interactions and the story as a movie.
The biggest change needed is running time - get it under 90 mins/pages. Be more concise and economical with your story; 111 pages is too long for this type of comedy! Obviously there are exceptions to any rule, yet those are established for a reason...because it works better that way.
Potentially a very good comedy road movie, get the character dynamics and the script length right and I'll go get the popcorn ready :O
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1
people found the following review helpful:
Potential Blockbuster!
PREMISE:
The premise is very much innovative. "A lonely web designer ventures into the real world with his Facebook friends to rescue the internet girlfriend he's never met." A potential hit premise just waiting to hit the cinemas that is what I will say about this -- Just excellent!
Story Structure:
Structure of this story is also well-done but I think premise of this script is so good that I think one more look on structure is needed.
CHARACTER:
I thought every characters of this script is well crafted for this kind of script -- From Owen, Jeff, Jessica, Rishi and even Morbid-bunny-3. All are brilliant in their own, and they all add something to the script. Nobody feels wasted or left alone.
DIALOGUE:
They are brilliant, super funny and flows nicely!
EMOTION:
Every emotion is well described from beginning to the end, they just make you fall in love with characters. That's all I have to say.
OVERALL:
Great read and brilliant premise along with story that makes you laugh and love in its own way. This is something that any producer from Hollywood want to make a full length movie on it!
BOX OFFICE ASSUMPTIONS:
If this movie is made than I think budget should be around 30's to 40's. They way I see it, considering the premise and the story itself, I think this one is potential comedy BLOCKBUSTER, may be end up like hangover with earning of 250M, because this one definitely has that spark!
BUDGET: 30 MILLION
DOMESTIC: 200 TO MILLION (Somewhere close to it)
OVERSEAS: 170 TO 200 MILLION
VERDICT:
BLOCKBUSTER!
The premise is very much innovative. "A lonely web designer ventures into the real world with his Facebook friends to rescue the internet girlfriend he's never met." A potential hit premise just waiting to hit the cinemas that is what I will say about this -- Just excellent!
Story Structure:
Structure of this story is also well-done but I think premise of this script is so good that I think one more look on structure is needed.
CHARACTER:
I thought every characters of this script is well crafted for this kind of script -- From Owen, Jeff, Jessica, Rishi and even Morbid-bunny-3. All are brilliant in their own, and they all add something to the script. Nobody feels wasted or left alone.
DIALOGUE:
They are brilliant, super funny and flows nicely!
EMOTION:
Every emotion is well described from beginning to the end, they just make you fall in love with characters. That's all I have to say.
OVERALL:
Great read and brilliant premise along with story that makes you laugh and love in its own way. This is something that any producer from Hollywood want to make a full length movie on it!
BOX OFFICE ASSUMPTIONS:
If this movie is made than I think budget should be around 30's to 40's. They way I see it, considering the premise and the story itself, I think this one is potential comedy BLOCKBUSTER, may be end up like hangover with earning of 250M, because this one definitely has that spark!
BUDGET: 30 MILLION
DOMESTIC: 200 TO MILLION (Somewhere close to it)
OVERSEAS: 170 TO 200 MILLION
VERDICT:
BLOCKBUSTER!
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out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Ok
Can be better. Good.
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out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Eh.... Not for me.
Overall, this is so passe. I mean, there are some funny parts and the writers seem to be decent, but it's just not that original.
Reviewing these scripts, I'm expecting to find something really original. Something that isn't done twice a year in Hollywood.
I just think this script is average, if that.
Reviewing these scripts, I'm expecting to find something really original. Something that isn't done twice a year in Hollywood.
I just think this script is average, if that.
Reviews for
Winner: Best Script
Finalist: Best Script, Best Comedy Script
Semifinalist: Best Script, Best Comedy Script
This is not personal, even what I take to be insensitive racist overtones - which others have noticed - can be overcome. Cliff can be a good writer. I hope he becomes one.