First of all, I should take off one star for having your characters eat at an Applebee's in the middle of Manhattan. That's like promising a woman a sophisticated brunch in Toronto and taking her to a Tim Hortons. I could understand if you wanted to show that Jerry isn't as sophisticated as he thinks he is. Otherwise, I'd like to see Chris insisting on Applebee's to show his lack of sophistication.
I decided to maintain the five star ratings because this review is being posted late in your process. But, I do think the first ten pages still need work (Yes, I did read the rest of the script). Get Chris to New York faster. Also, it's not really necessary for Chris and Arwen to be together for a month. Give them one hot night and BAM! If you want to show the relationship lasting longer, maybe you could have a series of shots of Arwen looking hot in various types of underwear or skinny dipping or covering herself with organic chocolate... Actually, I'm not sure that would improve the script but consider it. Please?
Another point is the Rose trigger. There seems to be a large gap between the times she's mentioned. I'd like to see Jerry bring her up a little more often so when he deploys it packs a greater punch.
One last idea. I know this is the middle of Manhattan but give the magazine and the club it's own building. In fact, you could have the apartment in the magazine's building. It's probably not realistic but in a comedy like this you could get away with it.
I decided to maintain the five star ratings because this review is being posted late in your process. But, I do think the first ten pages still need work (Yes, I did read the rest of the script). Get Chris to New York faster. Also, it's not really necessary for Chris and Arwen to be together for a month. Give them one hot night and BAM! If you want to show the relationship lasting longer, maybe you could have a series of shots of Arwen looking hot in various types of underwear or skinny dipping or covering herself with organic chocolate... Actually, I'm not sure that would improve the script but consider it. Please?
Another point is the Rose trigger. There seems to be a large gap between the times she's mentioned. I'd like to see Jerry bring her up a little more often so when he deploys it packs a greater punch.
One last idea. I know this is the middle of Manhattan but give the magazine and the club it's own building. In fact, you could have the apartment in the magazine's building. It's probably not realistic but in a comedy like this you could get away with it.