All Reviews

Scott,

I liked this script a lot. I can see why it was honored and I judge you to be a competent writer. As I like to end with positives, I will begin with the negatives. (My management team at work would call them opportunities lol).

I’ll start with the biggest “opportunity” first and then work progressively through until we flip poles and just start talking about things I liked and then loved about this script.

1. Veda. I don’t like her arc. I don’t like her motivation. And, in the end, her pages in the script become a distraction. It as though Danny invents his watches to impress his high school crush, and one wonders why he ever had the crush in the first place. In the script, Danny actively tells exactly two people about his incredible devices and both are women he is, (and until later in the script) can only be, ATRRACTED to. I don’t know, I want more from Danny than this. It’s like you were riffing on Sorkin’s take on Zuckerberg’s Facebook. And, while that’s okay when one is talking about a social networking website, it’s a little lacking when we’re talking about the kind of genius Danny has. So, I want more from Veda than robbing cash registers and jewelry stores. She doesn’t seem an adequate villain. I think about knowing her and wanting to stop her and say are you SERIOUS? Danny has invented the most incredible device in the history of history AND THIS is what you think to do with it?

1A. I did find myself wondering also why Veda never tells anyone about the watches in the time before Danny meets Sara. Is she the kind of person that keeps things like this to herself? She doesn’t strike me this way. If you open up her world a bit to the possibilities of the watches, she becomes a better villain, immediately. She could try and bribe Danny with her “fake” love in order to try and convince Danny to actually rule the world. I’m thinking Lady Macbeth here.

1B. For sure though, I am not a fan of the mattress scene at the end (not sure about it for Danny either) which ends in her death. It may be more of a commentary on Veda’s lack of depth, but I felt nothing when she died. I could feel sad for her, the way I do for Lady Macbeth. Or, I could be happy that she’s gone—like when Clarice kills Buffalo Bill at the end of Silence of the Lambs. Instead, I’m thinking about the physics of falls and mattresses and if she was going to die anyway, if Danny was going to fail in saving her, then what was the point in lugging the mattresses four feet to the side. Probably be better, for me, if they almost, but not quite, got the mattresses in the right place but missed by half a person and this is why she dies. She just dies, and I would have been just as happy if she’d been arrested. (That would also give Danny the chance to REJECT her. I envision her pleading with him to stop time so she can get away.)

2. There are really only 6 characters in this whole script. Sara, Danny, Tom, Veda, Richards, and Ford. (The cameos by Fred and Al et al don’t count; but they don’t detract from the point I’m about to make ((much)) either). They’re all a slight variation on the same psychologically damaged person. The agoraphobic type. I would think that if you’re writing a script in which all of the people in the world are frightened or otherwise uninterested in human company (if that’s to be their flaw), you would have them come out of the self-imposed chrysalis at the end. This would be the goal you as a screenwriter would give them unbeknownst to them (but beknownst to you). Yet, I don’t see this in the script. No character fully emerges from his protective shell. The script even ends with one last hurrah for the silences. Even Tom who is arguably the most outgoing character in the script is an AUTHOR. And the one thing I can say for sure about every person who has ever slapped ink to a page is: they’re still living in the chrysalis. So, I want to see them, all of them, grow toward the world. Actively choose to be a part of the world. Even Danny.

3. The watch logic is VERY hard to follow at times. Especially how, or even why, there is a hierarchy of watches. I’m not sure what it means to jump between silences, and I’m not sure if the silences are a physical part of reality or if they are CAUSED by the watches. This seems to me, as a science geek, kinda important. If there are an infinite number of silences then it seems impossible for time to actually “run”. If the watches cause them, then there is a sort of preordained quality to Danny’s jumping which he doesn’t seem to notice. In other words, it is determined that he do the things he does because the silences exist in order for him to jump between them. Also, the scene at the mosh pit, while visually impressive gets about three times removed from coherence by its end.

Now, on to the good stuff.


1. I love that you have created a science fiction love story. Very unique. It reminds me of Motherless Brooklyn—with gadgets. Very cool. The damaged nature of the characters makes them perfect fits for each other and perfect accomplices to an aberrant physics. In other words, of course they must stop time to find each other, because they WASTE all the time that is given to them. Major props for premise.

2. Your writing is also top notch. It flows from the page and only once did an individual collection of words pull from the story. The dialogue is authentic and practiced and still wholly believable and true. Great work with the writing.

3. By far, though, my favorite aspect of this script was “the silences” themselves. Whenever the script is in one of these places, I switched from reading to seeing and it was (often) beautiful. (Which is a word you don’t just bandy about when talking about a script.) I tried to think of something it reminded me of and the closest I could come was Coppola’s Black Beauty. A movie which puts to rest the idea that things have to constantly blow up in order for people to pay attention. Your script is like that, these moments of the movie would (in the right director’s hands) sing.

Anyway, that’s my take on your script. I hope you find it helpful.

Below are the page notes. I usually delete non typo notes I make while reading (they seem overly harsh), but I’ve decided to leave them in from now on. I think it might be nice for a writer to get a reader’s visceral reaction to the pages as they unfold.


TMAC







doesn’t see a SMALL DENT appears pg. 11

suddenly instantly pg. 12

lands on perfectly on top of pg. 16

do the watches interfere? Does one have precedence?

Pg. 31 necklace story worries me

Pg. 37 are you an angel rings false for me

Pg. 40 won’t his head on her lap start time again?

Pg. 41 She stops to eye to

Pg. 65 thought you were looking

Pg. 69 the Veda connection is a little weak

Pg. 71 the drink?

Pg. 74 murky world physics here

Pg. 76 There’s a random demand.

Pg. 77 ford,sarah,Richards???

Pg. 80 the Veda plotline is killing me

Pg. 81 Okay. I need you to take them

Pg. 82 Any of my orders that

Pg. 85 the bullet scene is DENSE

Pg. 86 He comes out with too towels;

Pg. 86 He wipes the head with the

Pg. 87 Like you amnd Tom.

Pg. 88 carrying a bag a loot.

Pg. 89 spot on his boss’

Pg. 92 slamming into her. Vera
Pg. 94 Breaths a sigh of

Pg. 102 Veda dies?

Pg. 103 She saved her life.

I liked the start of the story. It had a hook, and kept me wondering, "What happened to her mother and brother?". I got a little lost with the explanations of the watch and how it works, but I eventually got the hang of it. The main character's (Sara) actions were realistic and believable.

I felt that Danny's character reminded me too much of Wybie's character off of Coraline - plays pranks on everyone, "stalks" people, and just his attitude. Danny's character was still enjoyable, anyhow. I liked how Sara's dad's personality changed drastically until the incident that happened with the mother and brother. He became paranoid, and way overprotective.

The dialogue was great. The story had a perfect balance between showing and telling, which I found most helpful, as I have trouble with that area of writing. The emotion was good... at the beginning. I felt it could have returned in many places somewhere in this screenplay. So let me list my pro's and con's -

PROS CONS
- science fiction -climax was a little disappointing
-believable -could have been longer
-short read (read it in one sitting) -I felt the writer needed to show more scenes
-characters were introduced calmly... not all with Al, as he is a bad guy who's supposed to
at once do something

Really enjoyed this! My fav script on AS so far. Clever concept. Loved the idea of “the Silences”. Script was well-written.

I agree with TMac in that Veda doesn’t seem like a formidable villain. I expected the main antagonistic force to come from something having to do with her father’s business… an evil business partner… or the security guy… even her dad, maybe. Having the witchy ex-girlfriend be the bad guy seemed a weak choice. I also thought the antagonist needed to be introduced a lot sooner.

This concept is really strong & has potential. There's also a strong emotional core that's appealing & could be strengthened. I can see this being a vehicle for Amanda Seyfried or Emma Roberts or someone like that. I recommend fixing the antag problem and going forward with this.

Despite your inexplicable obsession with the semi colon, I’m looking forward to reading some more of your work!