1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Kingpin has picked-up a pool stick.
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
You really catch the spirit of Will Farrell in this
There should be stars for funny. This would get 5 on that.
Review of Jump The Shark by Brandon Ralph
First Impressions:
It really didn’t take me long at all to dial into the characters in this screenplay. You’ve got a Will Farrell joint here. For a minute I was seeing a Faraley Bros Matt Dillon (ala Something About Mary) playing the lead, but it eventually gave way completely to Will and John C. Reilly. Once it did, I could see it very clearly and found it very funny.
You do a great job of keeping the humor in the character. I just get this. I’ve seen some of those scripts for Will’s movies and a lot of the funny isn’t on the page—it’s improvised by Will and his co-stars. As such, I’m not sure how much you need to fix to get this ready for them, but it wouldn’t hurt to get it as good as you can.
Strengths: Character based humor was very funny at times. The beginning could be a bit a stronger, but it picked up a lot once Ralph got on the scene to give Johnny a foil. I could see it as a movie very easily. Competitive pool hasn’t been done by those guys so it’s ripe for the picking. It’s simple, funny, and written well. Although it’s short, I think that may even work to leave room for the improvisational work of the actors in these comedies.
Weaknesses: I’m going to go with the lack of subplots. You’ve got one story going here and nothing else—no doubt why it’s so short. It’s an easy fix. I’m not sure if the point of these reviews is to give fixes or not, but just having Ralph’s wife object and try to stop him from going at the beginning and playing that through the whole movie, but work. You could develop a bit more with Big Cecil and his plan and follow it throughout, etc.
There is also a lack of obstacles. It’s very easy for Johnny to do everything he does. Normally, there are a few more obstacles—a better player, someone on the lead’s ass threatening him, etc.
For movies from that era, I wanted to see a fight. A huge fight scene ala Burt Reynolds (every movie he ever made). It certainly wouldn’t hurt. You have the knife stabbing at the very point where the fight should occur. The joke with the stabbing is funny though, so I’m not sure if the fight goes there or not. I liked this a lot. It was a fun read and it felt like I was watching it.
Finally, I don’t think movies like this win awards even though they make money. I can see why it might not win a screenplay contest, too—it’s very simple and easy—the simple characters explaining their every action, or telling us what we just saw them do works for humor but goes against all the normal qualities of good screenwriting. Does that make sense? In other words, even if it doesn’t do well here, it doesn’t mean it won’t sell later.
Good luck.
Review of Jump The Shark by Brandon Ralph
First Impressions:
It really didn’t take me long at all to dial into the characters in this screenplay. You’ve got a Will Farrell joint here. For a minute I was seeing a Faraley Bros Matt Dillon (ala Something About Mary) playing the lead, but it eventually gave way completely to Will and John C. Reilly. Once it did, I could see it very clearly and found it very funny.
You do a great job of keeping the humor in the character. I just get this. I’ve seen some of those scripts for Will’s movies and a lot of the funny isn’t on the page—it’s improvised by Will and his co-stars. As such, I’m not sure how much you need to fix to get this ready for them, but it wouldn’t hurt to get it as good as you can.
Strengths: Character based humor was very funny at times. The beginning could be a bit a stronger, but it picked up a lot once Ralph got on the scene to give Johnny a foil. I could see it as a movie very easily. Competitive pool hasn’t been done by those guys so it’s ripe for the picking. It’s simple, funny, and written well. Although it’s short, I think that may even work to leave room for the improvisational work of the actors in these comedies.
Weaknesses: I’m going to go with the lack of subplots. You’ve got one story going here and nothing else—no doubt why it’s so short. It’s an easy fix. I’m not sure if the point of these reviews is to give fixes or not, but just having Ralph’s wife object and try to stop him from going at the beginning and playing that through the whole movie, but work. You could develop a bit more with Big Cecil and his plan and follow it throughout, etc.
There is also a lack of obstacles. It’s very easy for Johnny to do everything he does. Normally, there are a few more obstacles—a better player, someone on the lead’s ass threatening him, etc.
For movies from that era, I wanted to see a fight. A huge fight scene ala Burt Reynolds (every movie he ever made). It certainly wouldn’t hurt. You have the knife stabbing at the very point where the fight should occur. The joke with the stabbing is funny though, so I’m not sure if the fight goes there or not. I liked this a lot. It was a fun read and it felt like I was watching it.
Finally, I don’t think movies like this win awards even though they make money. I can see why it might not win a screenplay contest, too—it’s very simple and easy—the simple characters explaining their every action, or telling us what we just saw them do works for humor but goes against all the normal qualities of good screenwriting. Does that make sense? In other words, even if it doesn’t do well here, it doesn’t mean it won’t sell later.
Good luck.
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Good Start
Brandon,
I know I’m a little late in the game here. I agree with Scott, J.B. and the Dude. I just read their comments and they said a lot of things I was going to say.
About half way through I was wondering if you intended to tell this story like Rudy with Johnny trying to overcome personal obstacles to with the big tournament, or if you were trying the Kingpin approach with over the top, gross out comedy. I think picking a style and driving it harder would work.
I also think there could be a lot more to the characters. The opening didn’t work well for me and all of Johnny’s dialog sounded forced and had no depth.
I know the Dude likes Ralph, but he was annoying me. He reminded of Vince Vaughn’s character in Made. At the end of that movie, I thought John Favreau’s character should have shot him half way through that move and had a better ending. Ralph is like that for me here. The only thing he did to help Johnny was tell him about the tournament. And on that alone, Johnny is loyal to Ralph. I don’t think a lot of people would. At first, I thought Ralph needed some redeeming qualities. But maybe I just need to feel more like Johnny is really stuck with this guy and then have Ralph take his stupidity to the next level.
And you almost lost me at the diner stabbing. I wrote “WTF?” on that page. Granted, you explained it away later, but that was too far, too fast. Same thing with the Tuna line. If you are taking the Kingpin path and set it up well from the beginning, I could probably swallow that easier.
With Johnny’s dad also, he goes on about how upset he is and seems to go on and on about it and suddenly says, “That’s in the past.” And he’s over it. I didn’t see what motivated him to flip so quickly. I was having a hard time buying that Trick-Shot got Fats to sit out of the Tournament with a bucket of Chicken. That seemed too easy.
A couple of things about cultural references: first, does anyone outside of the movie business know the association with Fonzie in “Jumping the Shark?” Second, I think MC Hammer was more of a 90’s thing than the 80’s.
I liked the idea of the tournament being like a big WWF thing where everyone was playing a character.
Overall, I think Scott’s comments about adding are right on. In particular, adding some depth to Johnny and Ralph. And a little more character development across the board could go a long way. I’m not saying we need Fat’s life history to understand his love for chicken, but I’d like to know why that’s more important than the tournament.
You’ve got a good premise and the makings of a good story. I look forward to the rewrites.
I know I’m a little late in the game here. I agree with Scott, J.B. and the Dude. I just read their comments and they said a lot of things I was going to say.
About half way through I was wondering if you intended to tell this story like Rudy with Johnny trying to overcome personal obstacles to with the big tournament, or if you were trying the Kingpin approach with over the top, gross out comedy. I think picking a style and driving it harder would work.
I also think there could be a lot more to the characters. The opening didn’t work well for me and all of Johnny’s dialog sounded forced and had no depth.
I know the Dude likes Ralph, but he was annoying me. He reminded of Vince Vaughn’s character in Made. At the end of that movie, I thought John Favreau’s character should have shot him half way through that move and had a better ending. Ralph is like that for me here. The only thing he did to help Johnny was tell him about the tournament. And on that alone, Johnny is loyal to Ralph. I don’t think a lot of people would. At first, I thought Ralph needed some redeeming qualities. But maybe I just need to feel more like Johnny is really stuck with this guy and then have Ralph take his stupidity to the next level.
And you almost lost me at the diner stabbing. I wrote “WTF?” on that page. Granted, you explained it away later, but that was too far, too fast. Same thing with the Tuna line. If you are taking the Kingpin path and set it up well from the beginning, I could probably swallow that easier.
With Johnny’s dad also, he goes on about how upset he is and seems to go on and on about it and suddenly says, “That’s in the past.” And he’s over it. I didn’t see what motivated him to flip so quickly. I was having a hard time buying that Trick-Shot got Fats to sit out of the Tournament with a bucket of Chicken. That seemed too easy.
A couple of things about cultural references: first, does anyone outside of the movie business know the association with Fonzie in “Jumping the Shark?” Second, I think MC Hammer was more of a 90’s thing than the 80’s.
I liked the idea of the tournament being like a big WWF thing where everyone was playing a character.
Overall, I think Scott’s comments about adding are right on. In particular, adding some depth to Johnny and Ralph. And a little more character development across the board could go a long way. I’m not saying we need Fat’s life history to understand his love for chicken, but I’d like to know why that’s more important than the tournament.
You’ve got a good premise and the makings of a good story. I look forward to the rewrites.
2
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
Good Start, but writing is rewriting... and rewriting, and rewriting
Keep in mind, everything here is an attempt to help a fellow writer create a better screenplay. Feedback. Criticism. That seems to be what we’re all here for. Sure, a pat on the back feels nice, but it doesn’t help us grow. I’ve spent some time reading and re-reading “Jump The Shark,” trying to provide as much help and insight as I can. I am going to leave the ratings blank until I read the next draft… which I plan to do. If you find any of the useful, and want some help and tips along the way, shoot me an email. I’ll be glad to give some outside perspective.
(Forgive the long-winded format, but I took a page from the review playbook of the great Ryan Madison, to help pinpoint issues with the script)
Overall:
Some genuinely funny moments that could use some development. This world hasn’t really been touched on from a comedic point-of-view before. You have the opportunity to delve deeper into the world. Show the audience a story and subculture they’ve never seen before. Bring some authenticity to the world of pool, even if it’s done in an exaggerated over-the-top manner. (It can be done. The characters and story of “Anchorman” were completely unbelievable when comparing them to our world/reality, but it still shined a whole lot of truth on the world of television news in the 70s.)
Premise:
A good premise shouldn’t just tell what your story is about, it should emphasize the major conflict of the story. In comedies, that conflict usually has some irony to build the jokes off of. “A lawyer is unable to tell a lie.” “A badass Israeli mercenary wants to become a hairdresser.” “A pool player tries to win a pool tournament.” See my point?
Story:
Your story elements are there, but they need some direction. What are you trying to say with your story? What theme is linking everything together?
The story itself is pretty predictable. Everything comes pretty easy to the character, so the audience isn’t taken on much of a roller coaster. The highs aren’t too high, the lows aren’t really there.
The double-cross was a little transparent and could be fleshed out a little better. But then Johnny gets out of it too easily (once again) with sort of a deus-ex-machina on the part of Tracy declaring her love and saving the day. The only contact Johnny had with Tracy was boning her then leaving her stranded on the side of the road. If this is the storyline twist you’re gonna hang the whole movie on, it has to be executed a little more seamlessly.
Format:
The script is pretty short. (Which actually can be a good thing. Most of the time, scripts run too long. It’s easier to add content.) I don’t just mean the 87 page count. With all of the extended prose, the run-time will be way too short.
A lot of the description/action can be shortened. Line after line after line of description draws the reader out of the story. Tell us as much as possible in as little words as possible. If you show us how cocky a character is, you don’t need to spend three lines telling us.
The scenes are themselves are too long. The first 30 pages only has 3 scenes. They should be quick and to the point. Arrive late, leave early. Determine what each scene is about, then determine the best way to get there. A lot of them seem to meander around without focus.
Add some meat. Cut some fat.
Structure:
As it is now, it loosely follows the 3-Act Structure. Pinpoint your major turning points so the audience feels when it shifts into a new direction. Making a detailed outline before you write one page of script goes a long way in solving structure problems.
Characters:
At the risk of sounding like a novice who just read “Save The Cat,” you have to give Johnny something we can empathize with, a reason to join him on his journey and root for him along the way. If not, go the Kenny Powers route. Make him so outrageous and unredeemable that we can’t wait to see what he’ll do next. But right now he’s sort of on the fence with everything. Is he cocky or humble? A douchebag or a nice guy? Johnny doesn’t seem to know who Johnny is.
Also, Johnny doesn’t really make any choices or “do” anything. It seems like everything sort of happens to him and he just rolls with it. We don’t know why any of this is important to Johnny. Sure, $50,000 is nice, but what makes him unique? If he wants to prove something to his father (which we learn on page 45) the audience needs to know sooner.
This goes for the supporting characters too. A lot of them are a little too cookie-cutter to get into them. Give them some dimension. What do they want? Every character in your script, no matter how small, is the MAIN CHARACTER in their life. Give them some life.
Dialogue:
A lot of the dialogue could be shortened so you don’t risk rambling, or dwelling on the same thing for too long. The jokes are there, but right now they are tough to see through all that talking.
Back to the “Show, don’t tell” thing. A lot of the dialogue is expository and just tells us what’s going on, rather than putting the characters into action and letting us watch for ourselves.
Act I Page By Page breakdown:
Page 1-12:
The opening image stays with the reader throughout the whole script. What do you want our first glimpse of the protagonist to be? What about the world he’s in? I realize you want to start him off losing a tournament, but what you have here is a pretty uneventful 12 pages when you should have 3-4 pages of hilarious, audience-hooking, story set-up.
Page 12-20:
This is basically 8 pages of exposition. We are all guilty of this, but if you are going to have a scene where the characters just “talk” about what’s going on, it needs to be in a more interesting setting, not just Johnny’s living room. Or, rather than trying to set-up everything with talking heads telling us, show us in the previous scenes, so we know what’s going on before Ralph tells us.
Ralph stops by and sets up Johnny’s journey, as well as the player who is going to be Johnny’s enemy. If Trick-Shot Taylor is going to be the antagonist, there should be more of a conflict between him and Johnny in the first sequence. As it is now, he beats him in one shot, slaps his hand away and that’s it. Sure, Johnny loses to him, but he doesn’t seem too upset about it. You want the audience to know that *THIS* is going to be Johnny’s nemesis for the rest of the film. As you have it now, we don’t know this until Ralph tells him (and us). If Johnny absolutely despises Trick-Shot, then finds out that he must beat the great Trick-Shot to win the national tournament, and rekindle the life he once had, it makes the stakes and motivation deeper.
Ralph doesn’t bring anything to the table. Why would Johnny even want him in his corner? Johnny is painted as this cocky dude who is a prick to everyone, yet he welcomes Ralph, a terrible pool player and all-around loser, as a sidekick. Give Ralph something that Johnny needs, otherwise the relationship seems forced and artificial.
For the same reasons above, give Ralph a reason for wanting to help Johnny. “I see a champion in you” really isn’t enough. Characters have to have motivations. Maybe Ralph has a personal problem with Trick-Shot. Maybe Trick-Shot slept with his wife, broke up his marriage and his raising his kids, which is the reason Ralph is so lonely. Ralph can’t get his wife back, so the only thing he has left is spoling Trick-Shot’s championship run. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. But there has to be something.
Pages 20-32
Everything seems to come too easy for Johnny in this scene. He beats this biker at pool, so suddenly the biker is willing to shell out $500 to some stranger? Then for no reason at all, these two barflies want to sleep with them? It needs to be fleshed out a little better. Conflict and tension is what keeps a story moving. I realize they come back later as part of the “double-cross,” but if you don’t want people raising their eyebrows, let them work a little bit to get laid. As it is now, the “Here’s $500 and some pussy” scene sets off red flags in the readers head.
(Forgive the long-winded format, but I took a page from the review playbook of the great Ryan Madison, to help pinpoint issues with the script)
Overall:
Some genuinely funny moments that could use some development. This world hasn’t really been touched on from a comedic point-of-view before. You have the opportunity to delve deeper into the world. Show the audience a story and subculture they’ve never seen before. Bring some authenticity to the world of pool, even if it’s done in an exaggerated over-the-top manner. (It can be done. The characters and story of “Anchorman” were completely unbelievable when comparing them to our world/reality, but it still shined a whole lot of truth on the world of television news in the 70s.)
Premise:
A good premise shouldn’t just tell what your story is about, it should emphasize the major conflict of the story. In comedies, that conflict usually has some irony to build the jokes off of. “A lawyer is unable to tell a lie.” “A badass Israeli mercenary wants to become a hairdresser.” “A pool player tries to win a pool tournament.” See my point?
Story:
Your story elements are there, but they need some direction. What are you trying to say with your story? What theme is linking everything together?
The story itself is pretty predictable. Everything comes pretty easy to the character, so the audience isn’t taken on much of a roller coaster. The highs aren’t too high, the lows aren’t really there.
The double-cross was a little transparent and could be fleshed out a little better. But then Johnny gets out of it too easily (once again) with sort of a deus-ex-machina on the part of Tracy declaring her love and saving the day. The only contact Johnny had with Tracy was boning her then leaving her stranded on the side of the road. If this is the storyline twist you’re gonna hang the whole movie on, it has to be executed a little more seamlessly.
Format:
The script is pretty short. (Which actually can be a good thing. Most of the time, scripts run too long. It’s easier to add content.) I don’t just mean the 87 page count. With all of the extended prose, the run-time will be way too short.
A lot of the description/action can be shortened. Line after line after line of description draws the reader out of the story. Tell us as much as possible in as little words as possible. If you show us how cocky a character is, you don’t need to spend three lines telling us.
The scenes are themselves are too long. The first 30 pages only has 3 scenes. They should be quick and to the point. Arrive late, leave early. Determine what each scene is about, then determine the best way to get there. A lot of them seem to meander around without focus.
Add some meat. Cut some fat.
Structure:
As it is now, it loosely follows the 3-Act Structure. Pinpoint your major turning points so the audience feels when it shifts into a new direction. Making a detailed outline before you write one page of script goes a long way in solving structure problems.
Characters:
At the risk of sounding like a novice who just read “Save The Cat,” you have to give Johnny something we can empathize with, a reason to join him on his journey and root for him along the way. If not, go the Kenny Powers route. Make him so outrageous and unredeemable that we can’t wait to see what he’ll do next. But right now he’s sort of on the fence with everything. Is he cocky or humble? A douchebag or a nice guy? Johnny doesn’t seem to know who Johnny is.
Also, Johnny doesn’t really make any choices or “do” anything. It seems like everything sort of happens to him and he just rolls with it. We don’t know why any of this is important to Johnny. Sure, $50,000 is nice, but what makes him unique? If he wants to prove something to his father (which we learn on page 45) the audience needs to know sooner.
This goes for the supporting characters too. A lot of them are a little too cookie-cutter to get into them. Give them some dimension. What do they want? Every character in your script, no matter how small, is the MAIN CHARACTER in their life. Give them some life.
Dialogue:
A lot of the dialogue could be shortened so you don’t risk rambling, or dwelling on the same thing for too long. The jokes are there, but right now they are tough to see through all that talking.
Back to the “Show, don’t tell” thing. A lot of the dialogue is expository and just tells us what’s going on, rather than putting the characters into action and letting us watch for ourselves.
Act I Page By Page breakdown:
Page 1-12:
The opening image stays with the reader throughout the whole script. What do you want our first glimpse of the protagonist to be? What about the world he’s in? I realize you want to start him off losing a tournament, but what you have here is a pretty uneventful 12 pages when you should have 3-4 pages of hilarious, audience-hooking, story set-up.
Page 12-20:
This is basically 8 pages of exposition. We are all guilty of this, but if you are going to have a scene where the characters just “talk” about what’s going on, it needs to be in a more interesting setting, not just Johnny’s living room. Or, rather than trying to set-up everything with talking heads telling us, show us in the previous scenes, so we know what’s going on before Ralph tells us.
Ralph stops by and sets up Johnny’s journey, as well as the player who is going to be Johnny’s enemy. If Trick-Shot Taylor is going to be the antagonist, there should be more of a conflict between him and Johnny in the first sequence. As it is now, he beats him in one shot, slaps his hand away and that’s it. Sure, Johnny loses to him, but he doesn’t seem too upset about it. You want the audience to know that *THIS* is going to be Johnny’s nemesis for the rest of the film. As you have it now, we don’t know this until Ralph tells him (and us). If Johnny absolutely despises Trick-Shot, then finds out that he must beat the great Trick-Shot to win the national tournament, and rekindle the life he once had, it makes the stakes and motivation deeper.
Ralph doesn’t bring anything to the table. Why would Johnny even want him in his corner? Johnny is painted as this cocky dude who is a prick to everyone, yet he welcomes Ralph, a terrible pool player and all-around loser, as a sidekick. Give Ralph something that Johnny needs, otherwise the relationship seems forced and artificial.
For the same reasons above, give Ralph a reason for wanting to help Johnny. “I see a champion in you” really isn’t enough. Characters have to have motivations. Maybe Ralph has a personal problem with Trick-Shot. Maybe Trick-Shot slept with his wife, broke up his marriage and his raising his kids, which is the reason Ralph is so lonely. Ralph can’t get his wife back, so the only thing he has left is spoling Trick-Shot’s championship run. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. But there has to be something.
Pages 20-32
Everything seems to come too easy for Johnny in this scene. He beats this biker at pool, so suddenly the biker is willing to shell out $500 to some stranger? Then for no reason at all, these two barflies want to sleep with them? It needs to be fleshed out a little better. Conflict and tension is what keeps a story moving. I realize they come back later as part of the “double-cross,” but if you don’t want people raising their eyebrows, let them work a little bit to get laid. As it is now, the “Here’s $500 and some pussy” scene sets off red flags in the readers head.
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Page 14... The bit between Johnny and Ralph needs to be wax a bit more. I’m not laughing. All the Q/A dialogue makes this feel like a first draft, which is okay, because these are just my thoughts as I go through your script.
Page 21... I’m starting to like Ralph. Most great comedies have this type of character. His character is the one thing that keeps me turning the page at this point.
Page 25... I’m not finding the bit about “nice rack” funny and that might just be me.
Page 28... Tracy and Angie come over and sit with them? Things happen way to easy. I’m thinking that maybe there might be miss opportunities for comedic moments by having it flow to easy. Even if this leads to a payoff, don’t skimp on the setup. It still needs to be rich, funny, with all the elements that should go into establishing a scene.
Page 30... My first real laugh when Ralph mentions that they can’t go to his place, because his wife is there.
Page 34... Again, the thing that keeps me reading is Ralph. I find him to be a great character. Not only do I find his antics funny, but I think he’s deep with some raw emotional baggage.
Page 35... The Cowabunga remark feels like it’s planted just to add that flavor of the eighties. And the flip side of that is I also get the feeling you held back in so many situations, because you felt it might not feel eighties?
Page 37... The whole bit with meeting Lefty and the Steel Fortress is so on the nose, just as lots of other parts of the script is. Again, it really feels like a first draft where subtext hasn’t been pondered upon yet.
Page 44... When Ralph tells Johnny that his dad banged his high school sweet heart, was hilarious. And this line totally comes from character. If by chance you are going to rewrite this, that would be my top advice, let all the comedy come from character.
Page 48... This idea that Johnny had a fallen out with his father, because Johnny wanted to play bumper pool is a nice choice. And again, it’s a choice that’s embedded in character.
I am really starting to see the potential here. Dude, you just have to get back in there and get this thing flush out.
Page 53... Having Tracy and Angie with Big Cecil works out perfectly and I can see this being a visually fun moment.
Page 56... We don’t need lines like, “I’ve been dying to get a hold of you ever since you broke my stick.” The script is littered with stuff like this. It’s as if the writer thinks he has to reorient the reader for every scene. Trust your reader.
Page 61... I absolutely love the bit when Johnny tells Ralph, “Big Cecil’s not going to try to kill us until after the tournament; and that’s only if I lose, you idiot.” Too funny.
Page 66... When Bubby Boone’s speech impediment is corrected, that was hilarious.
Page 84... I’m thinking now, that 50 grand is not a whole lot of money to go through all this trouble, especially on Big Cecil’s part, but I guess it does fit in with that whole thing of being a wacky comedy.
Page 87... Up until this point, the script didn’t have that much heart for me, but after this scene, I did realized this is where the heart of it is. Two losers finding their way to morality. If you do a rewrite, I’d say approach it from this angle.
As short as the piece is, I still think you have a grasp of what structure is. And the stuff you created with Ralph shows me your talent. Reading through this reminded me a lot of Kingpin. And although not near the mark yet, I do think your story could be just as big.