All Reviews

This script has numerous little problems of execution, but overall it keeps on pumping. I think you have to like historical stuff to go for this one, but I bought into it entirely and was never disappointed. Just a little disgusted when all the children died. Didn't see it coming. I like your characters, particularly Chester, who seems like a clever combination of Igor (from Frankenstein) and Gollum (from LOTR). The Rat Catcher and Burgermeister also have good subtext.

Here's a few tactical things I think need to be addressed:

The transition from Friar Kristoff as an old man, and then into the dream sequence and his days as a young man isn't clear enough. IMO you need a cleaner, clearer way to transition directly from old Kristoff to young Kristoff so we know we're visiting the past. His past. I didn't pick up on this until around page 70. Perhaps if you also did something to develop his relationship with young Peter in the opening scenes you could find a way to work this in a better transition.

There are some problems with changing verb tenses from present to past within individual paragraphs, or from one sentence to the next. You should do a pass just to check for and fix this stuff.

The script mentions that the rats of Hamelin had been bothering the town for a year, yet I was under the impression the Rat Catcher had just arrived. You're telling, not showing with this bit of information, and it doesn't matter to the story. I'd drop it, or shorten the time frame.

As to the Old Bog Witch - she's interesting, but I think you should introduce her earlier. Perhaps she smells the villainous Rat Catcher when he arrives, or from her perch in the nearby woods, and therefore knows that evil is afoot. This way we suspect something, and when she appears around page 20 it doesn't come as a complete surprise.

At one point the Rat Catcher says that he never lies. Since he's possessed by the devil, and the devil is the "father of lies", one would think this claim is itself a lie, as it should be because he always lies. But if he admitted he always lies, he'd be telling the truth, and thus not always lying. But if he's not always lying, then the statement that he always lies is actually a lie. It could go in circles like this and drive someone nuts. I thought you could have done more with this, but then again it may interrupt the flow to dwell on clever conundrums.

On page 35 Chester starts to hit the rat cages, and then a few lines later he starts to hit the rat cages. Really? Twice? This is probably one of those artifacts that appear after a rewrite when you didn't catch every little thing that had to be changed. Also on page 36, the description of Chester and the rats gets repetitive. There should be some development in the conflict between Chester and the rats, or perhaps some escalation of the level of agitation in the animals.

On page 49, when the thugs beat each other to death you gave away the result a little too soon. You told us they were beating each other to death before they had actually done so. I would suggest finding a better way to describe this action so the reveal when the smoke clears comes with some dramatic surprise.

That's about it. Overall a good job. I'd make a point of watching this movie if I had the chance. I'd want to make it if I had the money.

/begin random notes while reading

Page 1: “An old wooden barn and stables is being used by a carriage company to deliver people and messages.” Show…don’t tell. How can you SHOW this to your audience? Remember, everything that is described on paper should be able to form a mental image to the viewer. Maybe a sign, or a short piece of dialogue. How does the viewer know the wooden barn and stables does this?

I wouldn’t try to fabricate dialect too much. Southern speak such as y’all and yer, and fer are easy to read. Qvickly – not so much. Perhaps when you introduce the characters and describe them, state that they speak with a broken German dialect.

Double check proper formatting of character introductions.

The hook was good. It was a big event, child dying, and we get the feel of the antagonist’s demeanor. We also meet the protag, Friar, and the problem is set – a rat problem.

I think the Bog Witch warning the Burgermeister before Rat Catcher starts would have been more effective. It would have sweetened the dilemma he had to make the choice in the first place. Then during the town meeting when they discuss payment, she could warn them again and let them know what evil they’re in store for. The Bog Witch’s warning seems a bit too late.

Page 39 seems to the break into ACT II (Rat Catcher hints at revenge). If so, this might be a little too far ahead to start ACT II. The inciting incident was the town’s folk hiring the Rat Catcher to take out the rats – which he did. The plot turn (beginning of ACT II) would be the Rat Catcher being betrayed and then deciding on revenge. Almost half way through your movie may be a bit too late for this turn.

Also, you haven’t really given your protagonist, the Friar, a role or much of an exposition. You’ve introduced him, but up until page 39, you haven’t really defined a clear protagonist. It’s apparent that the Friar is the protagonist, but we need to get to know him more. Give us a reason to cheer for him to defeat the Rat Catcher. You should incorporate this way before page 39. Involve the Friar more. How will he play into things? What is his tie with the Rat Catcher? I know more about the Rat Catcher and his rats than I do our hero.

Page 41, Chester just made a big pot of stew and Rat Cather says break camp?? Either ditch the fact Chester is making stew or this would be a good spot to have Chester dump the stew and make it a running gag. I remember in the beginning and one other spot where Rat Catcher didn’t want Chester’s stew. This would be a perfect spot to reiterate it subtly.

Page 44, I like that the Rat Catcher was leading the children out, but it was too quick. This should be a big event. It’s magical. Not only can he make rats follow…but humans as well!! You only used a few lines describing children sneaking out. They should have been in a trance. Describe more of the children dropping toys and dancing away. Half eaten fruit falling to the ground. Dolls falling. Make it more dramatic. And if it’s all the children, wouldn’t parents be following? I doubt ALL the children could sneak out. Parents keep a sharp eye out. What about toddlers? Babies? At what age are they not “children”? What about teenagers? Maybe the parents just all think their kids are playing and ignore it. But having them ALL sneak out is a bit bland. Also, I would make this more of a big deal with the parents. Maybe the children run through thickets that the parents can’t follow. That would really strike fear into them. Then maybe the Bog Witch reiterates her warning. I would really rework this.

Page 47, the parents should be way more passionate about this. Shoving. Fighting. Accusing. THEN Kristoff reveals what happened. This just all happens to nice like. It’s like reserved anger. If my kid went missing, I wouldn’t be pointing a stiff finger at the Burgermeister, I’d be grabbing my buds and some pitch forks. They’d have to calm me down and think with a clear head. The children dancing away and the parents’ reactions needs to be a way bigger event.

Something I can’t understand: Rat Catcher has this magic flute, can make rocks appear from the water, walks through a big rock, appears to the Bog Witch magically, and can make the raft move by itself…but he got his a$$ handed to him by a few thugs??? Personally, I would ditch the thugs and the scene of him recovering. Use that space to maybe have the town all closed up. They’re locked inside because they’re hiding. In the middle of the town is a small chest with the hundred gold pieces. The Rat Catcher is angered and kicks it over. He yells out. The Burgermeister peeks through his curtain and quickly shies away when the Rat Catcher catches him peeking. Behind one of the buildings maybe Gus and his gang are waiting to pounce if anything happens. The Burgermeister cowardly apologizes that’s all they can afford. Rat Catcher leaves angered. The townspeople then think everything is ok. To me, this is more dramatic than a magical Rat Catcher getting beat up.

Page 48, I really don’t like the dialogue at the bottom of page 48 between Rat Catcher and Burgermeister. It’s too on the nose. “This is no game.” “You should be trying very hard after that beating you gave me. Why you almost killed me.” “I don’t know what you are talking about and regardless we want our children back.” He passes the beating off to subtly and then throws a regardless as if to say, yeah, whatever. He should be more fearful. Pleading almost.

Puking blackjacks? How about if all the men start beating each other?

Page 50, the dialogue is starting to get bad. “I don’t what trickery by which you do this but stop it nonetheless.” That doesn’t seem very scared or passionate. It sounds like a dissertation. ‘I don’t know what’s going on here but never mind that…you just need to quit’. Children are gone for God’s sake!! They should be crying out and pleading.

Page 61, ok, the people have already seen how powerful Rat Catcher’s magic is and he warns them and yet they ignore it? If he had warned me, I’d probably have listened. Catching him on fire after hearing that warning just seems sloppy in execution. Perhaps Burgermeister thinks twice and someone else grabs the torch and tosses it on.

Page 66, so this was all a dream the Friar was having?? This doesn’t work. The reason why is that it took until page 66 to involve the Friar. Isn’t he the hero? The young Friar should be more involved or ancestor or something. And what really happened to the children? You never really explained. Did the townspeople eat them?

Page 68, the letter is a bit too…ugh. After 60 years, it seems Friar Kristoff would have told someone about what happened. 60 years later and 1000 gold pieces is still the going rate for catching rats? No inflation?

Page 69, how can you SHOW the purpose of the letter unless the Friar says aloud what he’s writing or writes it and then reveals what he’s written? Or we see what he’s writing?

So page 68 appears to the break into ACT III as this is a new mission, but where is the midpoint? Where is that time when the hero is at his lowest? This could be because you never really gave the hero an arc because he was absent most of the story up until this point.

Also, exactly why was Kristoff spared? What would have made this better would be if Kristoff would have been an orphan. Rat Catcher would have sarcastic pity on him because Rat Catcher wanted revenge on the parents by taking their children. If Kristoff had no parents, it’d have been a moment of compassion by Rat Catcher. Then, how fitting for it to be the only child he let go to come back and be his demise? Or maybe Kristoff is deaf and couldn’t hear the music? Speaking of which…there were no deaf children in this town?

Page 73, the rats seem to laugh??? Laughing rats? How could you show this?

Why does Rat Catcher like some rats and hate the others? Why couldn’t his magical rats, the ones he likes, actually be the children he stole? Maybe children from other villages as well? Just a thought.

Page 76, “In my defense all I wanted was some advice.” ?? He seems to play this off but the letter said urgent. Why? This doesn’t mesh well with the story.

Page 80, never mind what I suggested about Friar being orphaned. If this was mentioned…I didn’t catch it…which means your audience might not either. So you need dialogue between Rat Catcher and Friar (Kristoff) reinforcing as such.

Page 86, why make them go through all that trouble to make the gold look bigger than it is, only to have Rat Catcher notice, and then it be a passing thought?

Page 87, Rat Catcher has been the player and now he’s being played? Why? How did Friar get such a witty way about him to propose a simple game to Rat Catcher and Rat Catcher agree so willingly? This is too bland and quick.

First, how did Hansel find the children? What happened to Chester? And cotton balls? Really? You drifted from the original Pied Piper and yet you keep cotton balls? Why not something more clever? If you use cotton, why could it not have been discovered by Friar? Perhaps he was calling to Hansel before and Hansel couldn’t hear and then it was revealed that Hansel had cotton in his ears so he could sleep. Then Friar remembers? It’s just too quick and the tables get turned too easily.

Instead of cotton balls, and since Friar “blessed” things, why not have the entire town, children included, in the church singing a loud and glorious hymn? Friar could tell Rat Catcher that the only music they hear is God’s music. Their ears have been blessed.

Rat Catchers end…meh. More cotton balls? Rat Catcher is swindled by a few guys in their 70’s and a kid?

End…meh. I realize that the flute, like The Ring, is passed on along with its evil. But I saw it coming a mile away. Maybe a better backstory to Rat Catcher. Maybe Chester was the keeper of the flute? Only near the end did we see Rat Catcher acting weird and talking to himself (or something). What’s the backstory of the flute? And why is gold so important but yet Rat Catcher and Chester lived like gypsies who didn’t seem to have anything? Maybe Rat Catcher took on the flute to get powers to get gold to give to a higher more sinister being? Maybe someone in the church!! There’s just too many unanswered questions.

Maybe Chester got the calling to the master right as he was making stew and once again, must abandon it.

/end random notes while reading

PREMISE: Pied Piper with a dark twist. It’s new. Different. But I think you could have done WAY more with it. You give it a clever, darker theme, but without much backstory to Friar, Rat Catcher, and the flute, it leaves too many unanswered questions. Giving it a dark theme is one thing, but it needs twists. There needs to be more conflict. The only conflict is Rat Catcher being cheated of his gold. Where is HIS conflict? He’s a powerful man (even though he gets beat up) but shouldn’t even he have someone to answer to? Darth Vader was most feared, but even he had someone higher that controlled him. Give some explanation of the flute. Yeah, we know what it does, but it’s an important part of the story. Like The Lord Of The Rings, even the ring was given a back story and why it’s so powerful. A greater opening might have been how the flute came to Rat Catcher. You just need more twists.

STORY STRUCTURE: For the most part, it’s there…just not outlined well. You made a 50+ page dream sequence that drags ACT I on forever. The hook is decent, but could have been better. There was some intensity in it, but it sort of dies down. I wouldn’t say you really HOOKED me into your story. Rather, I knew what this was going to be about and that made me want to keep reading. ACT II starts way late. I would condense the large dream sequence and involve more exposition of the Friar and the flute.

The midpoint is sort of missing because the hero really is never given an arc and so we never get to see him at his lowest. Other than maybe when he cries he can’t follow the Rat Catcher. But he never had a mission to begin with. The hero needs to go on a mission. This was more about Rat Catcher than the hero. The hero never really makes an interest until late in ACT II.

ACT III would be where Friar goes to see Friar Schultz and help him. But it’s too late, structure wise. Other than witnessing what happened long ago, Friar Kristoff should have been DRIVEN to help. He has a dream, writes some stuff down, and then BAM – I need to go help someone!

The ending is very bland. There’s no drama. Rat Catcher is defeated too easily. Friar never gets challenged. Rat Catcher falls into a trap by a 70+ year old. Grows old, gets caught, confesses some sins after only a few short lines of banter, and then that’s it. Then – albeit predictably – Peter ends up with the flute. Which I must say is clever in the fact that maybe a sequel could be Peter, now a piper, picking some pickled peppers [sorry, I couldn’t resist].

CHARACTER: You gave the characters a tone and personality. But none of them have an arc. Rat Catcher maybe. He plays music for rats and forces small villages to give him gold. He never has a conflict to face. No one higher to answer to. No personal dilemma. He does show some small compassion for Kristoff and he confesses his sins (why?) at the end. But other than that, his character is pretty flat.

Friar Kristoff doesn’t have an arc. In fact, he’s never really taken on the hero role until late. And why does he have guilt? He didn’t do anything wrong. So for that, he doesn’t have a dilemma either. And he doesn’t have a low point because he easily defeats Rat Catcher. His arc is VERY flat.

Burgermeister and the others just seem to disappear. You spend 50+ pages incorporating them and then they just disappear.

Chester needs a better arc. Involve him more than just some creepy sidekick. He needs some darker backstory if he’s to survive the end. It just doesn’t fit.

All of the characters need arcs, no matter how insignificant…otherwise just seem like fillers.

DIALOGUE: I won’t lie, the typing out of dialect made for a slower read. Just state that they speak in that dialect and let the actors produce it. Also, some of the dialogue is bland and too on the nose [see my random notes above]. While it does keep the story going…sometimes it’s just too quick. But your banter and the way you get the effective points across is good. It could use some work though.

EMOTION: I could feel Rat Catchers emotion most of the time. At the end though, he’s really bland because he’s defeated so quickly and we never really understand why he gives in to confessing to Friar Kristoff. Friar Kristoff is a bit bland…but that’s because he doesn’t really get much of a role other than a duex ex machina hero role at the end.

Burgermeister had moments of good emotion but then follows it up with making it all a passing thought. The parents should have had more emotion after learning their children were gone. Even the children themselves. You seemed to give too much attention to Rat Catchers character than anyone else.

Also, the Bog Witch is given some role and then she’s quickly taken out because her eyes are burned out. Why have her in the first place?

Overall, this has a lot of potential…but it needs a rework. The “story” is already there because it’s basically the Pied Piper…now you need more twists to make it more interesting. Consider some of my suggestions and give it a better twist with more conflicts.

Please don’t take any of my comments personal. They are just that – opinions – and they are only meant to help. Best of luck!! I’ll bet your next draft will be much greater!

I must confess, initially I wasn't sure about a reworking of "The Pied Piper." Most retellings of fairy tales or early fables are either overblown or too sweet to watch without falling into a diabetic coma. And then I read it and realized that my first instinct was wrong. It is a beautifully dark retelling of the classic fable with bits and pieces of "The Name of the Rose," Argento's "Phantom of the Opera," and all of those classic Universal movies with Chester acting out the part of the great evil assistants, a new Renfield or Igor.
The Rat Catcher's character is the embodiment of evil who maintains control over his rats through his music, much as Dracula held dominion over the beasts of the forest. Friar Kristoff is like a combination of Friar Tuck and Sean Connery as William Baskerville in "The Name of the Rose," a lowly Holy man with much more going for him than most recognise. He is the heart of the story. Hansel adds just the right touch of hope for the future throughout and then......
The script pulls no punches, not only are children kidnapped but babies die. Pretty strong stuff for a fairy tale. It would be especially effective if filmed in the style of a Mario Bava, or Dario Argento, or even Guillero del Toro. I'm sure there are touch ups that could be done but I would be hesitant to play around much with changes to the story. I liked it very much.